Bored Members - Guests | Media | White Bored | Interview | Bored Anthem - Songs | Boredwaani | Cartoons | Facebook | Twitter | Login

Have you been approached by the Mumbai Indians yet?

by Naked Cricket

Mumbai Indians' pursuit of Sir Donald Bradman as their mentor-in-chief has never been documented. Unlikely as it sounds, it never happened. The Don’s time was way ahead of the IPL. Countless others such as Sachin Tendulkar, Ricky Ponting, Anil Kumble, John Wright, Jonty Rhodes and Robin Singh were far luckier. Give it a few more years and Bhajji will join his Sachin Paaji on that watchful bench, with Pragyan Ojha as his apprentice. Match after match, these fine cricketers squat in that Mumbai Indians’ dugout with an intensity only an Ambani can afford. The Mumbai bench extends to old faithfuls Sunny bhai and brother Ravi in the com box. There’s Nita bhabhi and her sons, and on occasion Mukesh bhai too. And what better if the match is at Wankhede. We are family.

On the field, the Mumbai Indians are stuck in a time warp – after years, there’s still a plan underfoot to eke out a return on investment from Kieron Pollard. For years he batted so low, you’d think he was being saved for the IPL after party. And when he did surface, so did the bouncer or a spinner with guile. In between there were petrified IPL virgins sacrificed on the altar of Pollard the match winner. In 2010, Michael Holding said, "Pollard in my opinion is not a cricketer". Since his international debut in 2007, Pollard is yet to play a single Test. By the look of it, it’s doubtful he ever will. Once retired, he too may find himself on the MI-bench.  Position – Catching coach. Key areas – Acrobatic catch, the dodgy ones on the boundary. Additional responsibilities – how to sledge Australians, especially Shane Watson. Overheard saying, “My moves are better than Dwayne’s”.
Lasith Malinga went easy on his Sri Lanka career, retiring from Test cricket so he could be called the world’s best death bowler in a local league. To extend his IPL career, Malinga could play even fewer matches or none at all. Having captained Sri Lanka, an appointment as the Ceylonese Ambassador on the MI bench appears likely. It’s another thing that apart from Angelo Mathews and Thisara Perera there are no Lankans in the IPL. So what if Perera doesn’t play, there are still two MI vs. DD matches for Malinga to pen his "Sri Lankans in the IPL diary". Perhaps even a chapter on MI’s match in Chennai – titled ‘No Sri Lankans in the IPL diary’.  Additional responsibilities – On your toes & off-your-yorker coach and how to mysteriously smile while being smashed around. Overheard saying - “For me, MI stands for Malinga Indians”.
Aaron Finch’s indifferent World Cup run is leading to an even more indifferent IPL run. Form-is-fickle coach for Finch. A largely philosophical assignment, he will speak of his record breaking 156 that was preceded by three single digit scores and followed by yet another such score, only to be followed by two half centuries...there, you get the drift. Position – Hit out or get out coach. Additional responsibilities – help under nourished, uncapped Indians put on weight – Eat right or get out coach. Overheard saying – nothing. 
Corey Anderson, signed on by the Indians after he knocked the fastest ODI century, has mastered the what-am-I-doing here look. Will be Finch’s assistant in the philosophical class. Will also hold special classes for sacrificial virgins (young Indian bowlers in the IPL) on how not to bowl at all by being picked as a flash bat who can bowl a bit. Additional responsibilities – how to keep your chin up and out. Overheard saying – nothing.
Unmukt Chand: English speaking coach. Will introduce the players to the Oxford Dictionary and St Stephen’s college. Additional responsibilities – social media. Overheard saying – stuff nobody understands.
Parthiv Patel: Will screen The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. After the screening will stand there as Display No. 1 and a much younger Display No. 2 barely five minutes later. Additional responsibilities – are you kidding, someone so young? Overheard saying: “Mummy!”
Harbhajan Singh: Once retired, he will sit next to Sachin paaji. They will laugh. Not since VVS and Cheeka will there have been such levity in an IPL dugout. In inner circles it will be rumoured that his position is that of Mental Mentor or MIMM – Mumbai Indians Mental Mentor. Additional responsibilities – lifting, slapping, clapping, other mundane tasks. Overheard saying: “Teri ma ki” or “Monkey” or “Maan ki" or "thank you, Sachin”
Rohit Sharma: Talent Scout. Will solely work on himself. Will continue to scout for hidden talent within. Will spend time behind closed doors with Shastri’s booming voice. Additional responsibilities – to pout. Overheard saying – “Thank you, Ravi!”

First published here


Mr Benaud: Death of a gentleman.

by Naked Cricket

“A boy, just beginning...25 years of age...baggy green number 408.”
“His father’s best mate...son, brother, fighter, friend...inspiration.”
“Phillip Hughes, forever rest in peace, son.”

I have time for you, Mr Benaud
I have acres of time for you, Mr Benaud
It’s taken me half your life to know that
It’s taken me all my life to know that
It’s taken your life
And it’s taken your death
For me to know
It’s time to slow down
Wait at the kerb of a sentence
Wait mid sentence
Just like that
Like this

Drop words like teardrops
Drop words like teardrops
Like they’re hardwired to the heart
Hold words back like tears
Hold words back like tears
Like they’re hardwired to the mind
Like they’re meant to be.

Oh, you, Cohen of cricket,
Oh, you, Cohen of cricket,
On your knees, serenading us
With a twinkle in that eye of blue
With a twinkle served with that Sydney sky of blue
Crisp as cotton, ironed and creased
Crisp as the cover drive, ironed and teased
Just about there, just about there
A prod, a push, a fable, all timing
Never a nick, nor an edge, all timing
“Simply superb”

Through the 80s and the 90s
At 5:30 in the AM
Through the haze of bleary childhood sleep
I hear ya, Mr Benaud
“Morning everyone”
And I wake up
To the bikinis on the banks
And the landscape of your chosen words
And the cricket they served me in courses.

Now I’m quite sure you knew of
Tony Greig and yourself
In addition to the Channel 9 box
A birthday
You may even have known
Of Morne Morkel being an October 6 born
But how could you know
It was the four of us all along?
Two down, two to go.

This is the death
This is the death of a gentleman
This is the death
This is the death of Test cricket’s man
This is the death
This is the death of Kerry Packer’s man
This is the death
This is the death of the cricket man
The is the death
This is the death of the voice man
This is the death
Of someone who was seldom not his own man
This is the death
This is the death of a gentleman

A gentleman, just finishing, 84 years of age...baggy green number 190
Bill’s best mate...father, husband, fighter, friend....inspiration
Richie Benaud, forever rest in peace, sir.

If you strain your ears some
You’ll hear him call
“That’s Stumps.”

Hat tip – Death of a Gentleman is the title of a film by Sampson Collins, Jarrod Kimber and Johnny Blank. 


Farewell Richie Benaud, and your Marvelous commentary team

by achettup

And so, Richie is gone, and it shook me up a lot more than I thought it would, more than when I first learned he was fighting skin cancer. So much so that, despite having lost almost all interest in cricket over the last few years and barely watching half a game this world cup, I woke up at 3 am this morning sweating, recalling how much I loved Boxing Day in the 90s. And how far I drifted from the game as it evolved, both inside the commentary box (ah, so regrettably) and outside.

Two decades ago, it was such a joy to watch a test series being hosted in Australia. The grounds always looked so pristine under azure skies. The quality of cricket was almost always top notch. And then there was the commentary, which just took the experience to another level. Perhaps it was the banter and camaraderie that came so naturally with working together for so long, perhaps it was how strikingly different and original each member was. But whatever it was, the Channel 9 commentary team of that era brought the game to life.

There was Bill Lawry of course, who could barely contain his exuberance. There was the mischievous  Tony Grieg, always needling either one of his co-commentators or sections of the audience. There was Ian Chappell with his no nonsense and common sense approach, always trying to spot something seemingly insignificant and pointing out its technical importance. None of these three ever hesitated to call out one another if they believed a tall claim was being made, and they minced no words. But when they disagreed with Richie, there was always that little bit of extra respect.

Richie almost never chastised anyone, the one time he did not hide his disgust, (the underarm incident) people were so stunned that the video has endured to this day as the quintessential reaction of the age to the controversy. He stood by his convictions though, and a few years ago while the rest of the (new and not so admired) crew were tearing into Nathan Lyon, it was Richie who backed him up and compared his own stats to Nathan's after the same number of tests. As with most of his prescient observations, that faith he showed in Lyon was built on a solid understanding of the game drawn from both playing and observing at the highest levels.

They all had roles to play, and they played them perfectly. Lawry was the excited patriotic fan (who can forget his "Canary yellow??? That's Australian gold and don't you ******* forget it" to of course, none other than Tony), Grieg the brash antagonizer, Chappell the straight talker and Richie... well Richie just brought it all together with a pithy one liner. They agreed, they disagreed, they held completely different points of view, but all the while they kept the viewer engaged and enriched those few hours of the day. What shone through though, was their love and knowledge of the game. Several commentators since have tried emulating their style, individually and as a group. Yet I don't know if any will ever garner the affection this team did.

Sport commentary comes in all shapes and forms. For some sports, such as Snooker or Billiards it is perhaps not needed (the commentators do actually go silent during a break), while for others like Formula One, it is integral to the sport (just imagine watching a race without the commentary, the only audible sound being the engines). For the more fast paced sports, like boxing or football, the television commentator's role is hard to distinguish from a radio commentator's role, merely describing events as they happen, yet people adore their passion, they just love hearing that simple narrative. Cricket has always been a different beast, given that people have always referred to it as being more intellectually inclined, and the long pauses between play... between each ball, each over, each session, each day... It is only natural that television viewers demanded more of the men and women who would describe the game. Very few could ever have demanded more of Richie, as he succinctly captured the essence of a moment, or his team. Cricket, and especially cricket commentary, may never again have that charm.


Rajeev Shukla Returns!

by Naked Cricket

click on cartoon

Also published here


How SRK cleared Sunil Narine

by Naked Cricket

click on cartoon

also published here


How #RainaKiShaadi happened

by Naked Cricket

click on cartoon

hat tip @aanchal for photoshop First published here


The Tendu of small things

by Naked Cricket

It took two cameos for Sachin to capture the World Cup.

Sachin appeared in a suit and a tie
He was there, a reminder that he wasn't there anymore
Sachin flashed, Sachin didn't flash hard
He painted his portrait and yours too
With a camera phone this time

A chitchat here and a chitchat there
Sachin was gone before long from the cricket
Sachin's never ever gone long from the cricket
a chit chat here and a chit chat there
Sachin was talking TV cricket

I didn't see much of him talking TV cricket
Prefer it when his bat’s the ventriloquist
And it speaks Thonk Tonk Thud Tonk
Some divinespeak that always spoke
Seldom squeaked

Sachin returned to the ICC world cup
For Indians and those that love Indianness
He was the best ambassador on two legs after that ambassador on four wheels

Sachin appeared in a suit and a tie
He was there, a reminder that he wasn't there anymore
A chitchat here and a chitchat there 
Before you could say Srini, the finals were lost
Before you could say Srini, the crowds BOOOOOOED
Before you could say Sachin, the crowds OOOOOOOED

Sachin and Srini stood there together
One gave away a trophy,
One was the trophy.