Inside Sehwag's spotless mind

• As the shadows lengthen on the ground
• And the close in fielders suck the air from all around
• Can hardly breathe, it's the last over of the day
• There's a night watchman at the crease
•  
• And with him is this guy hell-bent on fu*king the living daylights out of everyone around
• What will happen now?
• Will we be alive tomorrow?
•  
• Dodgy single up for grabs
• Virender Sehwag is now on strike
• Five more deliveries to go
• Inside outside field, behold
• Hold your breath, bite your lip, chew your nails
• This will not be a smooth sail
• He who lives by the sword
• He who dies by his word
• A mad man is on strike
• Possessed by the songs running in his head
• Kishore Kumar remix
• There's only one way to go, hit a six
•  
• Ball left outside off with an exaggerated leave and smirk, is he taking the piss
• Can almost hear the serpent hiss
• Four balls to go
• Forward defence, bat in front of pad
• Ball fizzed out into ground
• One too many fielders around
• Extra guy in at leg slip
• Third ball on middle turning into leg
• Turned by Viru past leg slip's crouching hands
• Down to fine leg for four
• For you got to keep adding to the score
•  
• Two to go
• Point comes in from the ropes
• Expect one, turning away
• Hey, flashes fast, in the air
• Hey, flashes past, in the air
• Not Jonty, not AB, not today
•  
• Last ball of the day
• Night watchman runs up to Sehwag
• Who pats him and seems to find something funny
• Short mid wicket comes in
• Deep mid wicket and long on stay
• Are they laying a trap
• Crap
•  
• Shadows lengthen on the ground
• And the close in fielders suck the air from all around
• Can hardly breathe
• It's the last ball of the day
•  
• Flighted outside leg, Mendis is dragging him out
• And he comes out for the bait
• It's tasty, he cannot wait
• As he hurls his hands, on the ball
• It seems an eternity, from spring to fall,
• The ball is a space cadet
• And we wait
• And we wait some more
•  
• Was it a six
• Or was he out
• It was hardly the outcome
• That mattered
• It was the ride
• It was living
• And knowing we will never be more alive as we were with Viru.

*************************

Sehwag & Gambhir (and Dhoni)

That's it, folks, today, not just Viru, but that Viru-Gauti partnership too has retired. It retired almost in stages for altogether baffling reasons. First, Viru-Gauti gave their opening a break at DD (Delhi Daredevils) to promote David Warner up the order. Next, DD did not retain Gambhir. Before they knew it, neither player was opening for India. And when one returned, the other did not. Still there was the Delhi state team. That too changed this season. Sehwag, who had been threatening to for a while, finally got away to Haryana. Haryana played Delhi at the Kotla; Viru scored a 50, raised his bat, and was caught yet again by his buddy, Gauti.

Why India's best gelled opening pair did not last longer is a question that will always haunt me - suspect it has much more to do than a mere loss of form. If loss of form and not scoring runs were the sole criteria for selection to the Indian team, then someone like Suresh Raina wouldn't get an opportunity to score back-to-back ducks in Tests in Australia in 2014 and back-to-back ducks in ODIs vs South Africa this series. And on top of that, be defended by his captain and friend, MS Dhoni, repeatedly match after match. When did either Sehwag or Gambhir have this luxury? For whatever reason, Sehwag did not play in the World T20 Finals in 2007. For India, he has only played 19 T20 Internationals. Those were the Srini-Dhoni years, when their powers were absolute in all matters cricket.

Sehwag and me

Sehwag was born 37 years back. Jatman, the headless superhero, was born much later. The thinking: who needs a head when you can play with your heart. It's hard to tell when exactly it happened, but such was our cosmic connection, I could often tell when he was about to be dismissed. If not watching him bat, listening to him post-match or reading his interviews became the most sinful of pleasures. It wasn't just Viru the batsman, I wondered why he didn't bowl much more - I rated his part-time off-spin much higher than that of the regulars. Surely his not bowling more was part of some other conspiracy. Grudgingly I accepted Sehwag is many things but he's not a great captain. Maybe the cricket world wasn't ready for him. So what, even his guru, Sachin wasn't a great captain. If anything, his shortcomings as captain firmed my beliefs that he indeed is the Jatman.

The only presser I've attended had Sehwag in the spotlight, this was soon after the Ajanta Mendis Mystery series in Sri Lanka where only he and Gambhir scored runs for India.

A few years back when Sehwag was still with DD, and his powers were very much on the wane, I saw him score a hundred. It was an IPL 100. But it did for me, much more than many India hundreds had in a long time. It made me feel connected to a hope again. A hope that I knew, however faint, or unrealistic, was there - while I watched and he played. What happened from then did not matter. Sehwag had done it one more time for me, and I was grateful. As I am today, for being able to watch him play cricket all these years.

• 
  
• From the back of beyond
• Played his cricket off a pond
• Walked on water when the ball went in
• Hit you hard and unearthed that teethy grin
• Started off as a clone
• Then shaved his head like a dome
• You will never mistake him for another
• Not his sister nor his brother
• He's original, he's authentic
• He will hit you till you feel sick
• He's honest, he's happy
• He will hit you till you feel crappy
• Jatman!
• Jatman!

First published here

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Watching your children fall.

It's a strange kind of cosmic connection with these two, but then why won't it be, I named them. Maybe not quite my biological kids, more my adopted children, but my children nonetheless.

Jatman was the first, and I thrived in his madness, his lack of worldliness, his simplicity, his Jatmaness.

I remember the day, 11^th March, 2009; Nikhil Kalaan (himself a Jat, though only half by his own admission) had sent in a piece.

"Haryanvi Jats continue their domination of Indian sport as Virender Sehwag's blistering century powers India to their maiden ODI series triumph in Kiwiland. This nerveless & free spirited wonder (sehwag) doesn't flinch for a moment (super-human quality) before launching the ball out of the park despite being at the doorstep of a historic century, double century, triple century (very un Tendulkarlike).

The best part being: he retains the same dumb expression at all times as if he's playing with a bunch of kids. Nevertheless, a once-in-a-century cricketer for India whose positive attitude makes him a true ambassador of a legendary martial race (the Jats) that has also produced the ONLY Olympic heroes in combat sports (boxing, wrestling) for India. With the exception of the great Maratha wrestler Khashaba Jadhav (bronze medalist, wrestling, Helsinki Olympics 1952)."

There wasn't a headline to the piece though. And just like that, Sehwag became Jatman.

And for his family on Bored, those that loved him, laughed with him, often at him, as he surely did, Sehwag was and will always be Jatman.

The second, 19 days apart, Che Pujara, at 3 pm, March 30th, 2009.

Before this, a few of us were possessed by Che's showing in the first class playground. He had started to own us. And just like that, one day, I started to believe, I owned him.

Cheteshwar Pujara became Che Pujara. I spoke with SP (Pankaj Sharma), and he brought him to life, giving him a face.

It's a terrible thing, constantly praying for the best and fearing the worst for someone.

At the Daredevils-Chargers game in 2011, I was sitting alongside Sean; Jatman was at the crease. I sensed his fall. I vocalised it, telling Sean how I felt terrible but I could actually tell when he will get out. He got out.

And then at the beginning of the series down under, I thought to myself, Che will be dropped by the 4^th Test. Glad I didn't mention it, I just couldn't bring myself to, why tempt fate.

Before match day, there were reports about his dropping. Made me even less inclined to wake up at 5 and watch the game, decided I'll get up when I get up.

And when I did, and saw that Che had been dropped, I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't so I decided to write instead.

Even though in the last few years, his is the only wicket that has acutely pained me, his dropping didn't.

I have his number but I've never spoken to him, should I send him a message?

Jatman lived in the neighbourhood, but I've never met him.

Yesterday Jatman scored another ton, it just felt good to see him smile in whites again. Wonder when we'll see Che smile again in whites.

Over the last year or so, I've run through Che's numbers repeatedly. I've kept tabs on the gap between his Test centuries, how the gap was growing; how Che and Virat started the series on six tons; how they care so little for time in the middle; how except for Mike Atherton at the Lord's post-match, nobody saw the value of those 28 runs.

Someone give Che a hug from me. Hang in, long nose.

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Sehwag's on-field problems.

click on cartoon

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Jatman ispeaking

  Jatman Returns by bored cricket

Hold that lath tight and listen to Jatman's first interview in the language close to his heart.  

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My preparation for England.

I will be frank with you, I am yet to lift a bat after my surgery. Only in the last few days my coach and doctor agreed that I can now look at a bat again, but not from very close, maybe from say, 15-20 feet. They call it ‘cricket-love-therapy’ and believe if I lust for a bat, my heart will engineer a revolt whereby it will make me physically strong. Anyway, it is no secret I play with my heart and not my head – as I have often said, who needs a head, when you can play with your heart? See, I have already said it twice here, that qualifies for often, no?

I have spent a lot of time with the kids in the last two months – they are not kids anymore or maybe as my friends say, I am quite childish so they appear to be grown up.

In articles like this it is the done-thing to thank your coach – but I will be frank with you, he has been no assistance in these months. I have been loading a lot of Bhajans on my i-pod, that is the only exercise I have got, that and putting food into my mouth – my appetite has grown eating home food again, so my ‘hand-to-mouth’ existence exercise has been intense.

Unlike before when I was not in the reckoning, this time everybody called to check on me – I taped a message for these well-wishers “Hi, I am unable to take your call, but if you want to listen to Sachin cheering at Wimbledon, please call him on..” Of course I did not give Sachin’s full number, just the UK code!

Sachin has been an inspiration these last few months, I have learnt to relax from him. I even wore a suit and tie and watched Wimbledon. It was the first time I have tried something like this. It helped that I was at home, and could quickly shift to my t-shirt and boxers. And no, like Sachin, I did not wear any shades at home, what do you think I am, crazy?

Now I am going to take a walk in the Hauz Khas park, I like to tease the kids there.

Your man,

Jatman

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We are an ordinary team.

So are the Royal Challengers, how else did they take nearly 20 overs to beat us? I think we are just warming up, in the next few games our defeats will be more convincing – new players and combinations will be tried, and the regulars will lose whatever confidence they had in the beginning.

I have now been run out twice in six games. But getting run out without Gauti is not the same.

It’s very tough saying in English when you want to abuse in Hindi, but this Daredevils’ team is the worst IPL team ever. No player from this side has any chance to play for his national side – I can say that confidently for the Indian players at least. Maybe Warner plays T20 for Australia, but by the time he’s through with this season, he may not want to lift a bat again. He can become a fielding coach.

You may say that Morkel is already playing for South Africa, as I am for India, but then you don’t understand my argument.

I hope GMR will spend the money saved on buying this team wisely.

Your man,
Jatman

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Our next revenge match is against Sri Lanka.

It was during the 2007 World Cup that we watched Jim Carry’s 23. It was a weird movie and I liked it. Everybody said our match against Sri Lanka on March 23 was a bad thing. I thought that was weird and I also liked it. When Sri Lanka made only 250 odd I thought we would get them easily. Even though I have done well as an opener, I have always said I am a middle order player, so Greg made me bat at No.3. That is neither middle-order or opening. Greg was weird but I didn’t like him. I think even Greg didn’t like Greg.

When we chased 250 we had a bad start but I was hitting the ball well. Anyway I don’t want to talk more about that game. But like the Bangladesh game when we play Sri Lanka it will be a revenge match. They are very lucky we are not playing them in the first round. Otherwise I would have made sure no quarter finals for them.

Whenever we play them, quarters, semis, finals, it will be a revenge match for us. I want to not only bat 50 overs against them but also bowl 10 overs.

There are many differences from 2007 and now: Both Dilshan and I open the batting now. Arnold and Dada are in commentary. Dravid and Jayasuriya are not in the team. This time there is a quarter final on March 23 but it is in Mirpur, Bangladesh. India will play its quarter finals in India. So even March 23 cannot help Sri Lanka this time.

I also know that both Sachin and MS will make more runs than they did in 2007.

Your man,
Jatman

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Join the Indians after the Bangladesh match

After the previous two pre-match meetings, both in the swimming pool, the team is back on land, at the bar, sipping on their mocktails. And because there is no intention to get high, in jest, the players are lowering a toast. Sehwag, fondly Viru, the Jatman, is the first to lower a toast…

Viru: Gary, thanks for making me believe that the white ball is not that different from the red ball. Thanks for making me practice against the white ball in whites to simulate half test half ODI conditions, then in blue against the red ball and finally in blue against the white ball. Only you had the patience to talk me through my hate for this lowly form of cricket. Now I feel one day cricket is not that different from test cricket. I only hope I don’t start hating test cricket because of yo

Gary (lowers his toast, deadpan as ever) Thanks Viru, I hope it doesn’t come to that…Virat, you like to make a toast

Kohli (getting off the phone with Mallaya Jr): Yeah, Bangladesh is toast…

MSD who has been silent for some time now, steps in…

MSD (lowers toast) Well of course this is in the right spirit even though we are having mocktails and there are no spirits involved but we still have a few niggles and Sreesanth as Viru rightly said was the only player who did not do well so let me take this opportunity to lower a toast to Sree

Sreesanth’s nostrils further dilate at the reminder

Sreesanth: But I can dance, sing, I even sung a song for the Indian team when I wasn’t in it

MSD: Well of course you can still sing it

Sreesanth (overcome with emotion at being wanted): You serious? I can sing? Dance too?

Sachin (interrupts as he hints at exiting) Er..it’s getting’ dark…

Sreesanth (who mistakes that for Sachin singing continues) too dark to see, I feel like I’m knocking on heaven’s door…knock, knock, knocking on heaven’s door…

MSD: Gary, of course Sree is very talented…see out of Sachin’s comment he has made a new song…and like Viru he is also better off in test cricket so can you first make him practice with red ball in whites then red ball in blues and then white ball in blues because if it worked with Viru who knows it can work with Sree

Gary (reluctant) Err…I dunno…I can try…

Sreesanth (running out of the room, returns with a red ball in his whites): When can we start??

Viru (to Sree): You come with me, I will make you bowl at me for 50 overs…

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Who made 175 - Sehwag, Viru, Jatman or Sachin?

Days like this, I miss the Jatman. The Jatman now has a head. But if you saw him go nuts against poor Bangladesh, you know, the heart is there – not quite the front desk but still the backend where the coding is done. And isn’t it the backend that calls the shots in such a cricketer?

who needs a HEAD, i play with my HEART

The way I see it, Jatman’s head usually short circuits with his heart in the first ten overs of a one-dayer. Put yourself in Jatman’s shoes – then put yourself in the company of fools, how long can you suffer them? If it’s easy enough to smash the bowler once, then the same must apply twice, thrice. It worked in guli cricket.

Often what happens is this – the fool, or the said bowler varies his length, but Jatman, such is his commitment to the heart, he must play that shot – he must muscle the ball over mid-off because there is a mid-off. Don’t you see that dismissal?

If you follow the Jatman, chances are, you can feel his maverick heart beat – and sense that very moment when his heart feels that itch to break. It is a beautiful moment, almost like knowing one’s own foibles. Yet how can you change what you are?

You change who you are – Jatman becomes Sehwag, fondly Viru, from the headless he becomes the headlines, man of the match, but then he says it -

He says, “Revenge match”. That is the heart speaking. Not the PR driven cricketer. He says something about everybody played well but not Sreesanth. Both are truths. Who speaks truths? Not the minds of cricketers that speak at such times – these are the headlines too, in the sports’ pages not the front pages that are reserved for Sachin, Yuvi, Bhajji.

Once again, Sehwag, fondly Viru, becomes what I like to know him as – Jatman. He is the heartscape of the wild, straight shooting badlands of Haryana and Delhi.

That by default the Jatman adopted Delhi and not Haryana, is part of the flawed process that keeps Jatman from being either Sehwag, fondly Viru or the Jatman for any consistent point of time.

But this is the least of it. You know about the Jatman’s love for Sachin – the sameness in play, the art of imitation, similar stature, and Sachin too agreed, didn’t he?

Wasn’t Sehwag, fondly Viru, Jatman’s 175, an exercise in Sachin? What about Sachin’s long cherished dream of the world cup? What will it make 3 of the greatest followers of Sachin do, what won’t they do?

Will they tap dance from one to the other – so when teams’ plan to tackle the long playing bunny, Sehwag, they will be up against the all heart, ten over nut, Jatman, and when they work against his short assaults, Viru will just walk away singing his bhajans.

And somewhere in between all this, if he conspires to be Sachin again...

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Media misquotes Jatman

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OBAWC (Overgrown bachchas at the World Cup)

Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Floating in their kachchas in the world cup
Hanging by the drawstrings
Waiting for the ball to hit
Yanking at the drawstrings
Batting at a call
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup

Life’s a pitch and then we die
Stolen wicket ooooh we cry
Who’s on next?
Duck or bye
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup

It’s never too late for a happy childhood
It’s never too late for Sreesanth to turn good
It’s never too late to touch the willow wood
It’s never too late to do all that you could
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup

Thank You Sachin, you’re the boss
What the fuck, I like to bowl from a horse
This is now, and what was, was
We’re out to battle and win many wars
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup

Hang up your chaddis, there’s the Jatman
Who needs a head, when he’s all heart man
All you can hear is the TAN-TA-DAAN
Again, again, and again for the Jatman
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup

Anhoni ko honi karde
Honi ko anhoni
Ek jagah pe jama ho teeno
Sachin, someone and Dhoni
Sachin, someone and Dhoni
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Overgrown bachchas at the world cup
Bored Cricket Crazy Indians at the world cup

By Vandu+NC

Sing it, send it - Sing 'Overgrown bachchas at the World cup' and send it to us - bcciwrites@gmail.com We'll put the raunchy ones up on Bored. Naturally record companies will line up. 

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Jatman the great born in 1978

With so much cricket being played, I really can't get myself to watch too much of it nowadays. There is no recall value. You can't tell one match from another. I think the only cricket I can follow these days includes the T20 world cup, IPL, India playing Tests overseas or the final 2 days of a Test in India.

However, I find cricket entertaining in all its forms when our very own Jatman (Sehwag) is at the crease. After his dismissal it goes back to being a regular (yawn), boring day of cricket.

JATMAN KI JAI HO

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Bored Cricket Crazy Indians and Sachin Fans are Invading the World

Not like I had to point it out to you guys. They're bloody everywhere and they show their craziness in the craziest of ways. I thought I saw some really BCC!s at the Motera today. There were the usual suspects - Dharamvir who travels to all of India's home matches and helps the players in their fielding and batting drills, that crazy dude who paints himself in Indian colours at every game. There were even a few Kiwis going "Ganpati Bappa Moriya", another sign of the conversion programme we have secretly launched.

But I met the craziest Bored Cricket Crazy Indian after the day's play. Seeing I look like a hobo I decided to get myself a haircut. So I went straight to the "hajaam ki dukaan". The barber there was especially chatty and suggested I even get a facial (Yeah! Like that's gonna happen. While you're at it, why don't you suggest I get a mani-pedi too?). I told him I had come straight from the stadium and we got talking about the day's play. I filled him in on the exploits of Jatman and RDX. While he was disappointed about Jatman getting out, he was also looking forward to Sachin getting a hundred tomorrow. To my surprise, he went on to say that if he got his hundred it would be his fiftieth and that he can cut out the number 50 on my head for tomorrow!

You have to be really nuts to know stats like these, but you have to be crazier to make the kind of suggestion he made. Do you think I should take him up on his offer if indeed Sachin gets his hundred tomorrow? All those in favour of it gimme a HELL YEAH/Thank You Sachin!!!!

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JATMAN speaks out on the spot fixing business

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This is Jatman speaking

achcha waqt toh khushi khushi nikal jaata hai... kharab daur ka ek ek lamha kaatna mushkil ho jaata hai...

Refreshing to see a message from Viru to his fans, even if it was to push his new website, www.sehwagworld.com But then you see RP Singh, Ishant, MSD and Sree, with their messages to the fans. What next, Ponting's message - probably not, he doesn't have any fans.

And here is the fake one down player sounding...fake?

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Balls to Sehwag

Bedi’s gone and said, what quite a few of us, including SP and me have felt for a long time. Why didn’t we say it before – how could we, we were too busy aimlessly targeting Bhajji, better judgment failed us.

But Bedi is different, in spite of his son’s misdemeanors at the IPL, he still can tell an off-spinner from an off-darter. Here’s what he said –

“I think Sehwag is probably the best offspiner in the Indian team. He has a clean action and also spins the ball”

Point taken, and Bhajji taken along with it. But when does Sehwag bowl – rarely. If it’s not a shoulder injury, it’s his arm that’s hurting. Either that, or MS Dhoni has underbowled him. Better to underbowl Sehwag that overbowl him, next thing you know, he’ll have trouble lifting his bat.

But when Sehwag bowls, he looks like a bowler more in the classical mode. At times I’ve had to adjust the picture tube, because we go all sepia when he comes on. He’s that pretty to watch, and he wears his cap, his hair, anything, that bindaas he is.

There’s that elusively slow, easy run-up from a few paces, like a languid morning stroll, then that charming action, the release, the flight, landing, smart lengths – damn, it’s time for Sehwag to abandon batting, just bowl Jatman.

And then he can be almost as good as Bhajji, the next great bowling all-rounder. Another train of thought, Sehwag in the middle order? But that’s another post.

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No Need for Two Weeks

Dear Bored Members and the Passionate Followers of IBL,

I do not need two weeks to prepare my defense to the utterly frivolous charges against me. I have conducted the business of the League with utmost integrity and passion. Allow me to reveal the men who tried to bring the game to disrepute.

One of the esteemed Bored Members had a benami stake in Jatman's team. The Bored Member violated the spirit of equal opportunity by only buying players from his country. This league was based on equality, what with each franchise being given $1,000,000 to buy talent. I was offered money and when I declined, was threatened of being removed from my post.

My conscience was clear and I considered it my moral responsibility to move out of my job. At the end of the day, one has to be able to look themselves in the mirror even if they are as ugly as Shilpa Shetty without makeup. Hence, I contacted Bored Member Achettup to take over the reins of the IBL before the start of the next tournament. However, Bored Member Achettup had other commitments. Thankfully, vice-president Aditya stepped forward and showed the IBL is beyond mere personalities. I have full faith in his ability to run it in a smooth and fair manner.

Also, I would like to respond to Shri Thiru Cumaran's allegations of me bribing international players during the New Zealand v/s Australia series.

Mr. Cumaran, I'm afraid you have continued to underperform even after your underwhelming stint with the Indian team. You had accused me of, and I quote,

"He is known to have paid all the NZ and Australia bowlers to bowl tripe for the 2nd T20 to ensure a thriller. He paid extra to the Australia bowlers to ensure that Brendon McCullum made a century."

Allow me to point out to you that the T20 leg of said series was not even considered for scoring points. It was only the ODIs and Test Matches for which the game was active, so clearly your allegations are flawed.

Lastly, I would like to say that I am extremely disappointed by the conduct of everyone concerned. This has been a witch hunt against me and unlike the perpetrators of this hunt I will not lower myself to their level by revealing the names of those behind it. They are naked in public for all of us to see.

Sincerely,
Mahek Vyas

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JATMAN: Origins of my shoulder injury

Many years ago I was very fond of acting – my favourite film was Sholay. My favourite character was Thakur – my favourite scene was when Gabbar cuts off Thakur’s arms – I’m a sucker for punishment, I loved to do retakes of this scene till it was perfect, till my arms ached and my shoulders were nicely screwed.

Even today I cannot forget those painful days – every T20 World Cup something happens to my shoulders. They are served notice by my Thakur days.

People only remember the 2009 and 2010 T20 World Cup – but if you think back, I even missed quite a few games in the first T20 World including the Finals that India won.

The way I look at it, even if I don’t play some youngster like Vijay with more passion will get a chance.

And yes, another character I like a lot for obvious reasons is Veeru – but most of the time I am playing myself so I will always be partial to Thakur’s role.

My shoulder is hurting and I must stop writing now, time for physiotherapy.

Your man, Jatman

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Jatman's hands are aching

Place - Jatman's house
Time - The day before the MI match at Mumbai

Jatman comes home shouting for his mom asking her to heat a bucketful of water.

"What happened Puttar? Why do you need a full bucket of hot water for relaxing your fingers? Won't a small bowl suffice?"

"No Maa! My entire hand is paining after all the exercise."

"Why? Did you bat for more than 4 balls at the nets today? Those DDDs really overwork you. My poor kid! Should I call up Gouti to stop treating you like an ordinary batter? Wo meri baat jaroor sunega."

"It's not like that Ma! I batted only 2 balls as usual. But later I had to massage Gouti's hamstring, which unlike RCB, doesn't wilt under pressure."

"But why didn't Gouti ask the physio to attend to him?"

"DDD pays pittance to even its star players. The physio is paid peanuts so he refuses to do overtime as it was past 5.30 p.m. So I had to do the job "

"But how much is he paid?"

"I told you no Ma, peanuts! 1kg every day."

"Ohh puttar you must be really tired."

"Maa, it doesn't end there." Jatman said with tears in his eyes "Later I had to go to Sachin Paaji's place."

"Why did you go to meet Sachin?"

"You see, we are playing a match against him tomorrow. I was sent by the coach to plead and beg with him to let us win the match."

"And what happened there?"

"As I entered the room I saw Sachin sleeping on his bed and Anil bhai sitting near his pillow. He was there to plead for his team's cause as well."

"So if Anil beta was sitting there puttar, how could you beg and plead with Sachin in his presence?"

"Arre Maa, I always play my natural game and today was no exception. Pressure doesn't get to me. Ever!! My natural pleading style is pressing people's feet and today was no exception. I went and sat at Sachin Paaji's feet and started pressing them."

"The what happened Puttar?" JatMa asked with baited breath

"As soon as Sachin Paaji opened his eyes, he saw me first. So I was given the first option of choosing either he desisting to play against us or the rest of his team not playing against us."

"So what did you choose?"

"Obviously I asked him not to play against us. But he said that he would have to take permission from his owners."

"And what did Anil puttar get?"

"Well, Sachin Paaji said to him that RCB couldn't be helped even by HIM if Kallis batted for 15 overs."

"Puttar, the water must be boiling hot by now. You have a long day tomorrow. Go get some rest and don't start your hourly night phone call to Gouti now."

This piece is a mix of a figment of one's imagination and some ideas inspired from the Mahabharata. This is an MI fan's ungli cricket piece. Let the battle begin :-)

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Jatman: Proud to be an Indian.

I started with 6 players from DD in the Bored Game. But we kept losing so I had to rest some of these useless DD players – I was tempted to rest myself but it was my team. Anyway, I have still played only Indian players – my motto is simple, be Indian, pick Indian. And if you pick a firang, then they can always drop him at the last minute - look at Murali, at his age he doesn't deserve to be dropped. Dropping Murali is like dropping Anil Kumble. They are both very senior players with very senior egos. They may not show it on TV, but on the bench#@$%

Soon, not only my Bored Game team, but all IPL teams will have Indians playing. The foreigners will be there for drinks and sitting on the bench – anyway they sound very good on TV as they know better English than us. Of course when the telecast is in Hindi and regional languages we won’t even need them to serve drinks and talk to the firang commentators.

Your man, Jatman

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