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Falling in love with a porn star.

by Naked Cricket

The last day of exams meant the boys made it to Nirula's for a Big Boy burger and a hash brown followed by somebody's empty house that had a VCR with a remote control that worked. Before that a visit to Horizons video library for a blue movie.

“Print acha hai? Chal chal ke phut toh nahi gaya?”
“Nahin, nahin, brand new print, very good movie”
“Print acha nahin toh vapis kar denge, ok?”

Sometimes, the print would be returned in an hour just to get another blue. Sometimes it would be kept for an extra day, sometimes two extra days, sometimes it would never be returned.

That day, seven made it to the safe house, panting, eager to slide the blue into the new front loading VCR. But the blue ejected itself. “Oh, wrong side, idiot”. Laughs. “Right side, she likes it” “How do you know the VCR's a she?”

Seven seated around that new 20” colour TV with their shorts down to their ankles with yesterday's Matrimonial supplements and last week’s Appointment Ads scattered in front. It was around then that BB was called Big Boy first. Followed by Boner Baba. Years later, when the other blues happened, BB King was the obvious upgrade. BB didn't play any games, he wasn't hot in his studies, he was just cool enough to be part of the group. That day, someone even suggested he be called Maha Burger but it was BB that stuck.

BB took his porn seriously. While watching he got so intense, you'd think he was a fireman on the 27th floor. He'd started watching porn way earlier than all of us, partly because he'd sneaked into his dad's collection, partly because he hung out with older boys. All this came out the day of the grand unveiling, before that, nobody cared enough to ask. Once we were done, someone played Steppenwolf, and out of nowhere someone sang, “Porn to be wild”. That became our anthem of sorts.

In college, the girls felt secure around BB, he never hit on them. Legend has it that one summer afternoon, BB's first girlfriend was ready to sleep with him but he was nowhere to be found. They were alone at home but BB had excused himself, leaving her alone in the bedroom. When she went looking for him, she found him in his parent's room, with the front loading VCR playing a blue. She sat next to him. Together they watched their first blue together. She confessed to him that it was her first time. BB said it was his first time with a woman. From that day, they watched many blues together, very often with the same actress. BB confessed he was in love with her, and while he hated to see her get it off with other guys, he didn't mind her doing it with other women. Would he finally like to do it with her? BB didn't answer. They soon stopped watching films together.

The front loading VCR gave way to a VCD player to a DVD player to Blue Ray. The lame joke in the old gang was Blue in Blue Ray at BB's! BB failed to have any long term relationships, his love for porn proved fatal. And that porn star was like the other woman in the relationship. By now he was well out of the closet – she was his screen saver, his cover photo. Often mid-way through parties, he'd excuse himself and return after a five minute quickie with his phone.

He was especially touched by the movie, Her, and quoted verbatim from its IMDB page

“Left heartbroken after his marriage ends, Theodore becomes fascinated with a new operating system which reportedly develops into an intuitive and unique entity in its own right. He starts the program and meets "Samantha", whose bright voice reveals a sensitive, playful personality. Though "friends" initially, the relationship soon deepens into love.  

He would go on and say, Alexia and me are no different. After her, I find it tough to be with another woman, even another actress.

BB followed her on FB, Twitter, Instagram, you name it; he’d already coughed up a small fortune to chat Live with her. What did he say to her? BB said it wasn't important. Had he told her about his feelings? One day when he was whacked out of his mind, BB asked us friends to join him for a video chat with her. It was awkward. BB was quiet. It was like he was mystified, speaking to a beautiful stranger he was in awe of. Alexia was professional, doing her routine. BB introduced us all. Alexia said that since it was the seven of us, it would cost more. BB paid. He asked her not to take her clothes off. It was an odd ten-twelve minutes, spent mostly silent, with a few wisecracks from the very drunk ones - “So, how's work?” “Have you been working HARD lately” “Do you know his name is Big Boy” “Boner Baba”. Most of us looked at our glasses, a few cigarettes were lit and passed around. BB even apologised for the jokes, she didn’t seem to mind though.

On Sunday, 2nd August, 2015, BB learnt that Alexia's website had been blocked by the Government of India.   A few of us caught up with him in the evening. He's thinking of leaving the country. “I'd rather be somewhere, somewhere where people will just let us be...” he said staring into his empty glass.

(However plausible this might sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)  

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