Poor Monish Moorthy is having a rough day at work. After watching India lose to the West Indies, he now has to contend with a bunch of losers at work. Yeah, the very same ones that say the very same thing: "Tu kal Wankhede gaya aur match haraake aaya" (you went to the Wankhede stadium, you made India lose).
Tu kal Wankhede gaya aur match haraake aaya - wish I got 10 bucks everytime someone cracked this joke in office today. Unoriginal chunts.— Monish (@Crownish) April 1, 2016
It's not easy being a loser. We all are at some point or the other. It reeks of unoriginality and makes us say stuff like "Tu kal Wankhede gaya aur match haraake aaya." (Translation above, in case you haven't got the drift yet.)But what should Monish's co-workers do, or for that matter, what should we all do to cope better with this defeat? And blanking it out and saying it never happened is not an option.
1. Blame the toss: If you can reconcile yourself to India lost the toss, India lost the match, you've got it made. Arm yourself with handy stats of the Wankhede, how it's a ground-to-chase, and once you bat first, no score will be big enough to defend. Throw numbers like 220+ has been chased on this ground. Also be thankful that India stayed in the game for 20 overs in spite of the lost toss - you will reek of positivity and could even land yourself a promotion at both work and home.
2. Blame Rohit Sharma: It's cool, usually leads to more Rohit jokes and banter. You will lighten the mood. All his three sixes were off gifts, one off a full toss, one, one off a free hit, one off a length ball. He wasted too many overs in the power play and got out when he should have kicked on (and shared Virat's load) was plumb in front with no foot movement whatsoever -adding "whatsoever" will show you've got a grasp of the nuances of leg before wicket. Also add Wankhede is Rohit's home ground, he underachieved, yet again.
3. Blame Ajinkya Rahane: 40 off 35 with just two fours on this batting Bahamas of a wicket? Seriously? At least Dhawan got out early. No wonder Dhoni doesn't like to pick Rahane. This was Shastri's pick, has to be. (Even better transfer some of the blame on Shastri, always acceptable). Was dismissed in the 16th over, way too late. Was trying to ape Virat's game by not playing ball in the air - but did not have Virat's placement and power, match losing knock. Be dismissive, definite with the last bit. Will gain the respect of your peers.
"This guy knows his stuff," they will say.
4. Blame Suresh Raina: He was just being protected, why else did Dhoni bat before someone who is allegedly India's best T20 batsman? Has done nothing to earn his place. Should have been dropped long, long before - also, hardly bowls (because he's being protected again). Is far more useful on the bench where he boosts the bench strength. Should have played another quick bowler instead of him. At this point, also Blame dew and Dhoni and combine the three points, they make for a strong argument. Also blame CSK, always works.
5. Blame dew: And move on. It'll be like blaming the toss. With that much dew, India did well to push it to the 20th over, that too with a sniff. Nothing the spinners could have done. Just glad that none of our fielders are injured and missing the all-important IPL. On that lighter note, expect loads of Likes and LOLs.
6. Blame Dhoni: Why did he lose the toss? Why did he pick Raina? Why did he drop Dhawan? Why did he not guard against the dew and pick another quick? Why does he pick Jadeja? Why did he not take his glove off in the last over? Why did he not speak to Srini uncle before the match? It's up to you, which way you want to go with this point. But blaming Dhoni has always worked and helped millions cope better with defeat for years.
7. Blame Ashwin: And that no ball he bowled. How could he? That was the match there? He didn't even bowl his full quota, what's he in the team for? Can't field either. Best Indian spinner, not for me. Wilts under pressure. Can't run between wickets. Just good on twitter. Just play on twitter only. If you aren't from Chennai, and have a bone to pick with CSK, and have very little understanding of the game, go full on and blame Ashwin. Works well when you like to Keep It Simple Stupid.
8. Blame Hardik Pandya: And that no ball he bowled. Why was he in the team? To bowl long-hops and be smashed out of the ground - 3 6s and 4 4s! That's as many as Jadeja. Anyone with a haircut that cool should either be from the West Indies or not play cricket.
9. Blame Ravindra Jadeja: And that foot of his - why was he not aware of where the boundary was? Has he not seen the Aussies or the Kiwis take relay catches? Does he even know what a relay is? Frankly, without Dhoni's guidance he can't string two balls together once he's starts getting smashed. If the wicket isn't tailor made for him, he shouldn't play. When was the last time he did anything with the bat?
10. Blame Bumrah: He started it all. Had he not clean bowled Gayle on the first ball of his first over, India wouldn't have taken the match for granted. And after dismissing Gayle, did he forget to bowl yorkers? Went for as many runs as Pandya, nearly - he went for 42, Pandya for 43. Have you seen him run after the ball, funnier than his action.
Take your pick, if this doesn't help you out, not much will. Or maybe you're one of those guys with staggeringly high standards, in that case, you'll find a way to blame Virat Kohli or Ashish Nehra. Good luck with that, not gonna help you out.
First published here