My Characters XI

- by Bhaskar Khaund

“The cricketing worlde is a stage and forsooth these guys are some characters!”
- William Shakespeare

Well , no, Bill Shakespeare didn’t say that but here’s my Characters XI anyway:

Marcus Trescothick
I doubt The Stones wrote 19th Nervous Breakdown for Marcus Trescothick. If they did, Mick and Keef were probably trying understatement. The circumstances behind his withdrawing from international cricket from a secure England opening position are well documented (at least with his analyst). The insinuating rumors went beyond that: stuff like how he’d weep when fielders appealed for bat-pad or how he once fainted at the crease when the non-striker twisted his ankle. Malicious and utterly ridiculous rumors! However, to be on the safe side, team support infrastructure should probably include soft handkerchiefs, a couch and a couple of shrinks.

If names were based on depth of skin, he’d be called Marcus Trescothin.

Virender Sehwag
He gets to 99 off 20 balls and then holes out in the deep. The rest collapse for 20 off 99 balls.

Veeru learns. Next game, he gets to 199 off 40 balls and then holes out in the deep.

The rest collapse for 10 off 199 balls.

Veeru's talking about Vinoo Mankad and Pankaj Roy on TV .

Or not.

Ricky Ponting
Probably the best bat in the world currently.

Probably on account of solid shoulder protection.

In the form of large chip placed thereon.

Whether acquired from a bar brawl though is unclear.

Kevin Pietersen
KP is the complete performance player - will put heart, soul and nationality into it.

South African? English? Who gives a toss, apart from Greame Smith maybe…?

Or Andrew Strauss or Paul Collingwood or Monty Panesar or John Smith from rural Warwickshire or Javed Siddiqui from urban Birmingham or whoever else may be handed the English captaincy once KP chooses Characters over England ?

Andrew Symonds
Outside off stump is not the only place this man goes fishing. And just when he had found easy bait in Harbhajan, he finds himself in the same boat. Symo is never one to feel all at sea however and at any rate, this fishy all rounder at no. 5 provides that vital imbalance crucial to any team.
(Note - ‘fishy’ in good faith on firm assumption that it can by no stretch of imagination be construed as racist)

Rashid Latif
Keeps wickets.

Does not keep the silence.
Bowler to batsman. Latif goes up in appeal.
Was that a nick? Was that an LBW shout?
Oh no, hang on, Rashid’s actually appealing against his ex-team mates’ match fixing ways.

Shane Warne
From Ball Of The Century clean bowling Gatting round his legs to balling sundry maidens round theirs, Warnie has done it all.

We wanted a few words from the great magician himself but all we got were SMS messages that we can not possibly publish here.

Harbhajan Singh
Although he is not averse to indulging in monkey business, at heart Bhajji is a warm and emotional team player. Check that high five on Sreesanth’s cheek that moved Sree to tears.

(Although, it has to be asked, what could be a patch on Sreesanth’s cheek?)

They say Harbhajan comes across as too crude, too, erm, slapstick.

He is considered an inarticulate and a tactless speaker.
Thats unfair.

As he doesn’t speak.

As he has a foot in his mouth.

S.Sreesanth
Sreesanth of course has a mouth in his foot.

No silly, it is not Harbhajan’s doing.

It’s a dance move.

This man is a tour de force, a power horse dynamo, a super-aggressive sledgehammer.

Off the field , he makes dance moves . On the field, he sledges batsmen.

When alone, he dances in a frenzy in front of the mirror and sledges himself.

(At least on moonlit nights).

In short, Sree has it in him to withstand any of life’s – if not team mate’s – blows.

Shoaib Akhtar
Speed Akhtar is a fast man for our fast times. Fast cars, fast gals, the fast life.

Plus there’s the little matter of his delivering the fastest ball ever on the face of planet Earth.

There’s also the little matter of his delivering the fastest bat ever on the thigh of player M.Asif.

Beyond that is the speed at which this enfant terrible gets into controversies.

Faster than that is the speed at which the PCB places bans on him.

And fastest of all is the speed at which the PCB then revokes them.

Mohammed Asif
The talented M.Asif has a way of counter-attacking the odd career low: he gets high.

Between Shoaib and drug controversies, Asif could well have proclaimed this motto:

Once beaten, twice bitten and never shy.

Only he’s probably too stoned.

Sub continental sociologists may well bemoan cricket becoming an opium of the masses but Asif is okay with that so long as it means masses of opium

Right. So that’s my Eleven. And yours?
(PS – what about Coach? Javed Miandad I was thinking…)