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Magnetic Stumps - A Sri Lankan Cricketing Innovation

by Bored Guest

by Achettup

Apparently yesterday's match between Sri Lanka and India was a humdinger. Cricinfo's headline is "India Survive Kandamby Thriller". Maybe two out of form blokes stitching a 100 run partnership off 161 balls off the likes of Raina, Ojha, Sehwag and Pathan makes rivetting viewing for some, but when there isn't much of an act to follow all they've done is taken the game away from their team. Kandamby and Jayawardne probably played out 16 overs in dot balls between them. Just about the only time the game looked close to being a contest was when Sri Lanka got a few runs in the powerplay, but honestly against the likes of Zaheer and Ishant, who apparently doesn't think, think, think, think clearly as he and unfortunately Dhoni chose to remind us in the presentation ceremony, wickets tumbling was a formality.

There was something thrilling out there though, especially for all you tech savvy cricket fans who've been demanding the sport embrace innovation. It wasn't Kulasekara managing to hit 130ks which I thought was quite special considering his average speed seemed to be 105kph. It had a little to do with another bowler who manages to hits the 130ks on a regular basis. In fact he manages to hit the stumps at 140ks too... but the batsman isn't out! How can that be you say?

In the late '90s there was this crazy rumour doing the rounds that had something to do with Sanath Jayasuriya, a cricket bat and a spring... as in a coiled a spring... as in embedded in his cricket bat... Sanath Jayasuriya's cricket bat. I mean how else could you explain the ball rocketting off his bat? I've seen some Peter Pan movie where Captain Hook shoots the ball before some dork swings his baseball bat... so maybe it wasn't a coil. But there can be no doubt about this latest innovation. Might I present evidence Exhibit One:

Zaheer bowls to Mahroof who makes room to smash the ball on the offside, swings, misses and the ball smashes the leg stump... but wait... its 4 byes. The ball deflects well enough to have evaded a diving Dhoni and perhaps even a diving leg slip if one had been placed there. The bails... they're still there. WTF! India, quite rightly dismiss this as a freak incident, since this is the first time its happened in the match.

Exhibit Two: 49.1, Kandamby chips the ball down to long-off, sets off on a mad dash for two, Dhoni collects the ball and flicks with a good deal of force onto the stumps and appeals for a run out. The umpire refuses to oblige and motions towards the stumps. Dhoni looks back and is shocked to see the bails are still on them. WTF, did Kandamby quickly pick them up and put them back on? Oh wait... now I get it... super glue... shakes stumps and lo and behold, the bails fall off. Dhoni is in shock. His theory has been destroyed in one swift blow.

Never fear Dhoni, I've solved this one for you. It has to do with Kumar Dharmasena, a button, bails with metal implants, and stumps with coils in them. Might I also recommend that you wear shoes with rubber soles the next time you're standing upto the stumps in Sri Lanka. Kumar Dharmasena, scourge of Indian cricket, is at the heart of the matter on this day when he makes his debut as third umpire. When ever the ball is live or in play, presses down this button which passes electricity through the coils in the stumps. This induces a magnetic force which is strong enough to keep the bails attached to the stumps, irrespective of any external force that acts on them save a singularity like a black hole that temporarily pops up and destroys all the laws of physics and then pops back out again. Its a quite brilliant innovation that has helped the home side twice now. Oh yeah, and when there's suspicion all KD has to do is take his finger off the button and look bemused at Dhoni's puzzled expression.

There is a simple way to get round this MS... All you have to do is switch the bails upside down or in some reverse order... that way they'll never stick to the stumps! Hah! Now what Sri Lanka?


Gaurav Sethi said...

we'd be better off playing against a tree or a broken chair.

sraghuna said...

... & I thought that this was a case of induced dmf(Dhoni magnetic field) as opposed to the electro version ... thanks for clarifying the matter & exposing the dastardly forces of young religious armies (a somewhat literal transalation of KD's name)!