How to survive the Champions Trophy.

1500 overs of cricket, from September 22nd (that’s today, sunshine) to October 5 - fifteen games lasting two weeks flat – that’s a fraction of England’s interminable summer with Australia.

The dodgy bit is a game every day, and two on Super Sunday – but it’s not that super really, you have South Africa-England and New Zealand-Sri Lanka playing. In a way, that’s not two games, that’s half a game – England and New Zealand aren’t teams, they are a bad assortment of cheap chocolates, the type you gift to save money.

Straight away that’s thirteen games you have to survive. Looking much better already. Do not underestimate the indelible scars the Windies can leave on your young impressionable self – Do Not Watch Them. In fact, place a Do Not Disturb sign on your forehead that day.

Whether you side with the WICB or the WIPA, you can’t side with this team that makes England nigh watchable – it does help if you know the players, in this case, you know of Tino Best by fluke, and the others by puke – you threw up while watching them.

It’s not so much as the team, or maybe it is, as the reason they’re here – how can anyone replace Chris Gayle and his merry men.

So, the West Indies are out – that’s another 3 games knocked off, you’re now left with ten.

If you’re really strapped for time, you could knock off all the England games, that is optional – but they won’t last long. And it is fun to watch the odd county game in an international tournament. England will play 40-potty over cricket. You’ll see earnest players with limited skill at the highest level – it will be funny, the collapses after Strauss is dismissed, the gloom on Flower’s face, and then Strauss’ smirk for no particular reason.

Chances are you will only watch one game, India v Pakistan on the 26th. And if India make the semis, then one more, and if India makes the finals, another one. And ok, you could watch India-Australia too, on the 28th – that’s 2 games for sure, and possible 4.

The Champions Trophy isn’t that bad, you’ll survive.