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Shoaib Akhtar’s Retirement Party

by Gaurav Sethi

At an undisclosed night club, Shabby has his mates and the requisite female company. He has everyone seated, Kamran Akmal as is befitting a wicketkeeper such as him, is ordered to sit behind everyone.

Akhtar is poised to deliver his announcement, but he walks away, very much like his unending run-up, he walks on and on, exits the night club, crosses the street, and only turns in when he hits a dead end. It is then that he races in – water-sprayers are at hand to recreate the resplendent sweat spray from his crazy mane. 

Running in he enters the nightclub, knocking out a bouncer at the door, and a hostess at the entry…he arrives in front of his mates and feigns one of his manic appeals. A sexy broad is at hand, dressed in an umpire mini outfit – she raises her finger.

More babes appear from every corner, start to throw themselves at Shabby who is in a trance of sorts. He glides through the dance floor as the babes chase him. Music kicks in. As too do replays of Shabby knocking over Dravid and Sachin at Eden, the replays are in a loop.

His mates look on zapped. Akmal claps on in customary clueless fashion. Afridi is making a random speech which is lost in the music. Younis has caught a few youngsters and is giving them catching practice with nips and pints. Umar Akmal has feigned injury, not participating.

Meanwhile Shoaib Akhtar is still doing his gig – though everything is still stuck in a loop. It is then that he slides in front of his mates, arms wide open –Kamran stomps ahead and is the first to hug, ruffle, make indecent contact.
And then through the night club a dark tall shadow with a bat appears. And whacks Akhtar’s leg with it – none other than Mohammad Asif it is.

Waqar and Wasim appear, with some Bollywood types – Akhtar rips his shirt and does an Item Number. Salman Khan makes a guest appearance.

The OSO OST plays. The place gets smoked out. Bob Woolmer’s voice …Talking about Shoaib as a genuine tearaway fast bowler, this is mixed with some random rap…OH YEAH! HE’S THE MAN, when the chips are down…

And then silence…Akhtar takes the microphone…

HEY! Thanks, thanks…(reacting to taped applause) I love you too babe! (Reacting to a taped “I love you” from a babe)…It’s been a long journey… so many great moments guys…and babes…hey…I feel like Human sometimes…hey but mostly GOD…hey..Love you too!! But every great cricketer’s great journey gotta end and this is the time I gotta give the babes some attention…and Bollywood here I come…SRK do you hear me

(Cut to clips of SRK + Shoaib Akhtar from IPL, when Shabby lifted SRK n other mush)

SHOAIB AKHTAR: I coming man…I’ll be there, ROCKING! YAY, love you too man…(reacts to footage of SRK from one his films where he confesses Love)

Which is when Kakmal deems it right to suck up to Shabby

KAKMAL: Shoaib bhai, Shoaib bhai don’t go, please don’t go…

Akhtar strikes a John Travolta, and that silly song, “Baby please don’t go” starts to play

The entire Pakistani team breaks into Bollywood dance, but of course, in different groups, there is the Younis dance group, Misbah gang, Afridi beat poet’s band, and of course, Shoiab Akhtar going nuts by himself.

Which is when Sehwag walks in with Ranbir Kapoor, and they start doing that DAMN Pepsi Ad – worse, when they start to mimic Sehwag’s upper cut (blasphemously called the uppar cut)…there is footage from that damn 2003 World Cup, when Sehwag and Sachin upper-cutted Akhtar for six.

The Pakistanis are pissed. Shoaib shrugs…

SHOAIB AKTAR: Hey guys, be cool, they were the fucking sponsors


Wasim said...


Faran Ghumman said...

LOL, last line was hilarious

Asad said...


Govind Raj said...

SHOAIB AKTAR: Hey guys, be cool, they were the fucking sponsors

Party poppers those sponsors !

harry said...

brilliant nc, rofl!!

Anonymous said...

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