Six Point Plan For India

The following is a six point plan India can use to win the first test:

1. Show up for days 2 and 3
2. (i) Learn 10 saffer swear words (ii) Make a point of saying one of them to each of Kevin Pietersen's batting partner (iii) Turn to KP and wink, and send an air text message. For e.g., if Alistair Cook is batting alongside Pietersen, say "Oh look, another stupid English captain with all his doos and don'ts", turn to KP and wink, and send him an air text message.
3. Take the latest shiny Apple product, smash it smithereens, and sprinkle the shards all over the crumbling pitch. Then let ZaK walk up to the English and say "I hear you English are very fond of Apple crumble"
4. Keep Harbhajan as far away from proceedings as possible.
5. Zak should only bowl left-arm slow to KP. I meant left-arm slow orthodox. As in spin.
6. See 1.