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Showing posts with label Pakistan Cricket. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pakistan Cricket. Show all posts
After Kashmir, Afridi thanks China.
Claims they will help Pakistan copy ‘India’s Wall’
Afridi has done it again. He might well be on the verge of hanging his Pak playing boots, but he’s showing no signs of ever taking his foot out of his mouth. After thanking the people of Kashmir for supporting Pakistan, not once but twice, during World T20 matches in India, Afridi has thrown yet another spanner in the works: on reaching home, when asked about his Kashmir comments, Afridi was unfazed and determined to thank them yet again.
But it didn’t stop there. To everyone’s surprise, Afridi started to thank China. When asked if this was just another cheap trick to rile India, Afridi first agreed and then disagreed, as he often does in his quizzically fast manner of speaking.
When a reporter asked, if like the people of Kashmir, the Chinese too had supported the Pakistani team, it got a little confusing. Afridi started to ramble: “Yess there weres somes Chinese lookings people in not just the crowds but in many momo counters across the places who wanted to sign autographs with us and take the selfies too, they were happy and lookeds like they was supportings us yess. Their red chillies was entertainment like SRK’s company too”
The bonhomie over momos is the least it. Afridi suggested that China who built the Great Wall of China for their defence will help Pakistan cricket build the “Indian Wall” for their defence – that is, they will arm the Pakistani team with the ultimate defence, a batsman just like Rahul Dravid aka The Wall. Was this even possible, seeing as the Chinese know very little of cricket?
Afridi disagreed claiming that knowledge of cricket was unnecessary. Instead, he is of the opinion that cheap Chinese know-how will help Pakistan cricket tap the technology to zero-in on the aerodynamics of a player like Rahul Dravid. Afridi elaborated, “I have spokens to Chief Cricket Sci-fi Analyst Chu Le Tu in Forbidden City and his coordinates in Beijing and he is ultra confident that a player like Wall is once in a generation but seeing as we ares in the next gen now when can do his mapping and help builds a second player like minded and able bodieds like Dravid if we ares getting the right candidates to do testing on and he is also against animal testings so we are quite happy with the safe approach”
Bordering on the bizarre as usual, Afridi was quick to lose everyone’s interest. In the nick of time he started to talk of his possible retirement from Pakistan cricket. Only recently he had said he was fit to play for Pakistan but unfit for captaincy. Afridi added more of the same, further elucidating that he also felt unfit to be interviewed. He continued in the same vein, “But that will not stops me from taking or giving interviews because I speaks my minds and my hearts and I at times like you say, Ramiz Bhai (he said more out of habit than anything) it can be quite damaging because he’s a jolly good fellow who wears his heart on his half sleeves...”
The Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has distanced itself from Afridi’s latest comments. They have also issued a public apology to the BCCI and the people of Pakistan, India and China for all of Afridi’s past, present and future comments.
It is also learnt that Afridi wishes to pursue a career in either commentary, politics or Bollywood, and will be asking his children for their advice. When asked why he was asking his kids, he invoked Ramiz Raja yet again, “Ramiz Bhai always says childs is the fathers of man so I will go ask daddy, no kidding!”
When contacted, Ramiz Raja was at the beauty parlour having his hair blow dried. He hollered through the noise: “The IPL is round the corner, I gotta look my MAXIMUM!”
(However plausible this may sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)The voices inside Afridi's head.
One day when I was rambling about this and that, K asked me, “Gaurav, do you always have
so many thoughts running through your head?” I replied in the affirmative, and
continued to ramble on, how I loved to be ON all the time. She nodded, in
hindsight now, in a somewhat sympathetic poor you, you gotta put up with your
constant tick-ticking. I have always wondered about Shahid Afridi’s attention
span, how small it is, or if it exists at all.
From the early years, when he used to open the batting and go downright Mad Max, he seems to have mellowed into an eccentric old uncle whose pyjamas fall as he repeats three anecdotes (one for each format) simultaneously. At his peak as a player, all that energy went into cricket – breaking records, filling India’s new ball bowlers with fear, and always holding a threat that he was far more than he actually was. And that was the cricketing dare of Shahid Afridi.
"I hit that
big six you know auntie always tells me Kamran dropped it very nice kebabs the
way I am senior Karachi and Lahore are forget England I like to watch Bollywood
movies especially long drives in my new car to retire" – Afridi mindscape,
impression
From the early years, when he used to open the batting and go downright Mad Max, he seems to have mellowed into an eccentric old uncle whose pyjamas fall as he repeats three anecdotes (one for each format) simultaneously. At his peak as a player, all that energy went into cricket – breaking records, filling India’s new ball bowlers with fear, and always holding a threat that he was far more than he actually was. And that was the cricketing dare of Shahid Afridi.
In the last
few years though, Afridi became a parody account of his former self. His
retirements started to sound like a senile man’s joke – Boom Boom became the
joke joke, there was always an encore to it. And he retired with such
earnestness, only to return with equal earnestness, retiring and un-retiring
from one format or the other, it became tough to keep tabs on which parody
account was still active. What this did do though was spawn an assembly line of
cheap Afridi memes and jokes; it was like they were Made in China. Hell, all
you got to do is watch Afridi bat, talk, whatever, it’s funny enough, you
cannot top that. Not on twitter, not on facebook, not in this lifetime. It’s
like hoping jokes on Jim Carry will be funnier than Jim Carry. Cannot be, so
don’t even try. In a way, I’m glad, and hope Afridi has retired for good, won’t
see any of the tripe anymore. Or maybe I’m just jaded, and can’t make any
Afridi jokes anymore. How I longed for an original Afridi joke – one that was
nothing to do with his age. And that’s when Afridi allegedly said, Thanks My Nigga to Mark Nicholas.
Once upon a
time, I too would make Afridi jokes about his age. This one’s from November,
2011, after one of his many comebacks.
But all the
age jokes pale in comparison to an observation made fielding at square leg –
claiming he saw Sachin’s legs trembling while facing Shoaib Akhtar (who claimed
Sachin was scared of him). This cartoon is from October, 2011, with Shoaib
Akhtar, Afridi and Sachin taking a leak together.
Making fun
of Afridi’s grasp on the language was always fun, here’s one on how he claimed
the captaincy.
Only
recently Afridi wore earplugs to block the crowd noise and up his concentration,
even joking that he wished to keep them on when anyone spoke to him, especially
the captain. Glad he didn’t resort to the plugs earlier in his career; more
than his runs and wickets, Afridi was about a superhero-comic bond with his
manic fans. Though I doubt the BOOM BOOM shrieking fans were the trigger;
Afridi was both the trigger and the gun. One that he pointed way too often to
his mouth. But when heroes go down, they go down fast.
Thank you
for the madness, Shahid Afridi. Next, standup commentary please. Hopefully
during this IPL. Just imagine Afridi and Shoaib Akhtar rapping together.
First published in daily O
First published in daily O
Crazy little thing called Pakistan cricket
For years, Imran Khan whined on TV networks that Inzamam-ul-Haq and Mohammad Yousuf should bat up the order. Imran would often cite Tendulkar’s example - that he was India’s best batsman, opened the batting where he had his best shot at scoring a century whereas Inzamam and Yousuf were languishing at either five or six. Then politics went up the order for Imran, Inzamam retired after playing 378 ODIs, scoring ten centuries, Yousuf retired after playing 288 ODIs scoring 15 centuries.
Sachin Tendulkar retired after playing 463 ODIs, scoring 49 centuries.
Inzamam turns 45 today, Yousuf is 40 and Pakistan’s current captain, Misbah-ul-Haq is older than him. Misbah has played 158 ODIs, scored 40 half centuries. He is yet to score a One-Day century. Like Inzamam and Yousuf before him, he’s spent most of his career in waiting at five or six.
On February 15, 2015, the entire Pakistani team had 21 one day centuries between them - the same as Virat Kohli. Even before India beat Pakistan, Virat Kohli had beaten Pakistan by scoring his 22nd century - 15 of these were made batting at three, the other seven at number four.
***
It’s tough to keep track of when a player is dropped and reinstated in Pakistan cricket - and with Younis Khan this becomes doubly difficult, especially when you consider all that cross pollination between formats. Last year, Younis (263 ODIs, seven 100s) had just been dropped from the One Day side so he got all angsty and made a truckload of Test runs against Australia. Based on those Test runs, we have the pleasure of Younis’ company in the World Cup not scoring any One-Day runs. After two failures, one of Pakistan’s senior most batsmen is made to sit out. If this can happen to Younis, how insecure must Ahmed Shehzad and Nasir Jamshed be feeling?
It shows in the binary opening partnerships of zero and one in the last two games. The best so far, 11, was when Younis opened; so based on some quick research, (throw of dice in a casino) don’t be too surprised if Younis reopens against South Africa. Or who knows, if the dice lands on Haris Sohail or Sohaib Maqsood? And after that, just for a lark, Afridi? Hell, with all those voices back home, they may even make Misbah open, hoping to force-feed him that hundred.
But even before the World Cup, first-choice opener Mohammad Hafeez and his nine hundreds were lost to injury or controversy or both. And even before that, Mohammad Hafeez, the second choice spinner was lost to the bent elbow. That very bent elbow that felled their first choice spinner, Saeed Ajmal.
***
After the defeat to India, Yasir Shah was dropped and Shahid Afridi became the first choice spinner. Imagine not playing your leg spinner against the West Indies. They lost by a round 150 runs. Not to be deterred, they didn’t play him against Zimbabwe either, barely won that. Don’t be surprised if they play him in the next game instead of Afridi – with a leggie for leggie rationale. No, seriously. Waqar Younis is coach and chief selector Moin Khan was packed off to Pakistan after being spotted in a casino. Before selection duties, not too long ago, Moin was coach and team manager. Going by the make-shift arrangements behind the stumps, it’s a wonder he wasn’t called to keep wickets. But for that there’s Umar Akmal. Not quite Kamran, he shamed the family name by catching five in a game – though all five were of the quicks and he’s still suspect keeping to the spinners. But what about Umar Akmal the batsman, Pakistan’s equivalent of our underachieving Rohit Sharma of not too long ago. Again, he’s played most of his 100 plus games batting lower down at five or six, scoring two centuries – how does Pakistan pull this off, how many five and six positions do they have?
But can Umar play. Not always with his head, but when his disparate worlds are aligned, there is no Pakistani batsman who can fly and swoop on the bowling like him. And yet he’s caged with the keeping duties. That’s like telling Rohit you want ten overs from him, possibly worse, considering the millstone around the Akmal name.
There is something magical watching Umar-Afridi partner each other. Nobody quite presses Umar’s buttons like him; Afridi inhabits many roles, father, elder brother, concerned friend, crazy uncle, chatty aunty. There is such love and levity in the middle, you’d think Robin Williams was entertaining a ward full of sick kids.
And that’s what Afridi must do – make Umar forget, set Umar free, plant the seed of hope in Umar, give Pakistan hope.
Shahid Afridi Returns
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| click on cartoon to enlarge |
Shahid Afridi's Retirement Nightmare
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"What a bad dream! Bad man running Pakistani cricket and screwing with my celebration" |
(click on cartoon)
Obama and Akmal - Yes We Can
President Obama today announced that he will be releasing a revised edition of his best selling book "The Audacity of Hope". The revised edition will have a foreword by Kamran Akmal.
"I have always felt with the previous editions that something was missing. That I was never able to articulate and exemplify the audacity of hope", said President Obama
Then Kamran Akmal happened to him.
In a calculated attempt to reach out to the peoples of the subcontinent, President Obama had immersed himself in the recently concluded World Cup. He was advised by his cultural experts that understanding cricket is the quickest way to understanding the subcontinental culture. No one is sure whether that has helped him appreciate the subcontinent better but he was certainly taken in by the sheer incompetence of Kamran Akmal. Its something that has stayed with him for a long time.
He said, "I have never been able to forget that Kamran guy. I know a lot of incompetent men. My field of work often exposes me to such kind. But what stood out about Kamran was the way he conducted himself through the countless dropped catches. He showed me how if one is not good at his / her job, the least he / she could do is learn to enjoy doing it poorly"
Through his daily briefings with his Chief of Staff, President Obama had asked that he be kept abreast about the career of Kamran Akmal.
Yesterday morning when President Obama was informed about Kamran Akmal's statement that he would be open to play purely as a batsman if Pakistan can find a better keeper than him, he is reported to have jumped out of his chair and shout ..... "Yes, we can".
"I mean, here is a wicketkeeper who is so pathetic in his job and yet he is willing to entertain the possibility that there might, just might not be anyone better than him. This is hope and audacity at its most basic level. There is absolutely no one who can take my message on Audacity of Hope, better than Kamran Akmal.
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