Yusuf Pathan is to Gambhir what Jadeja is to Dhoni.

The Kolkata Knight Riders have more baggage than Louis Vuitton. Most of the Final XI are no longer part of their national squads. Skipper Gambhir has a team of amazing has-beens. The very reason for this team is the nostalgia they serve at the post match party. The memory chest overruns with Gambhir on top. Manish Pandey was the first Indian to score an IPL 100. Uthappa hasn't done much since he doffed his imaginary hat against Pakistan in 2007. Yusuf Pathan. Where do you start with Yusuf? You could ask his dad? Or Irfan? Or speak to his chewing gum. They all will have a tale to tell. And if this wasn't enough, there's the blast-from-the-past, Piyush Chawla. If only these guys could play in sepia. But play they will, for Gambhir must prove them wrong every season. The Avengers come to mind. But there is thought to this team, and it challenges Gambhir, Yusuf, Uthappa, Chawla - to start thinking, from has-beens to wannabes to will-bees, to who knows, maybe even a Beatle. Chawla would be Ringo. Gambhir, Lennon. Uthappa, Paul. And Yusuf, George. Surya Kumar Yadav could be the fifth Beatle.

But what will Umesh Yadav be? From being India's go-to bowler, he was either injured or benched, before doing his thing in Australia this World Cup. But those were ODIs; Yadav has played only one T20 international. His IPL numbers aren't that hot either but against his old team, the Daredevils, he was man of the match for his 2/18. A second, third, fourth coming? Gambhir has enough patience to pull him through bad days.

Firangs have their own baggage: Shakib Al Hasan, KKR barely played him, not foreign enough for them? Then when they wanted to, the Bangladesh Cricket Board didn't let him. And just when he started this season, Pakistan came along.

Andre Russell inhabited the DD bench more than Manoj Tiwary, India's. And when Russell did play, he bowled that one over that invariably was his last. Under Gambhir's watchful eye, life has been more play and less bench - just the other day a match winning 66, and before that a naughty 41*. Suddenly everyone's talking a lot less about Andre Russell's hair.

Morne Morkel was dropped by DD for a qualifier/semi-final/eliminator when he was their top bowler. And he's seen some bad days in the IPL; bowls length, almost as readily as Ishant. Gets hammered, like Ishant. But can run through the batting, unlike Ishant. But if you watched him slide and sort-of-field, your heart will bleed for the turf and his limbs in equal measure. So far he's been picking wickets every match.

It took a while for KKR and Gambhir to figure out that Ryan ten Doeschate must play - and pronouncing his name right should have nothing to do with it. Has an ice cool head, can close games in case Russell and Pathan don't, and even bat up the order - has two T20 centuries. That he played for the Netherlands can no longer be held against him.

And then there's Sunil Narine, who doesn't quite fit into this team but won them the tournament, outsourcing it's called. This year though, Narine has had more than his share of baggage - his action was called and he missed the World Cup. Seems largely unaffected by everything but it could be just be that blank look he wears.

After KKR's victory against the Daredevils, Gambhir took backing Yusuf Pathan to a lofty new level - "I have always had a lot of faith in him. Faith and trust is one thing that does not go very quickly. So I always feel he is the game-changer for us and the way he has batted in this tournament till now, I think he is just going to be our biggest game-changer." Going by the last few IPLs, it's tough to tell what the basis for this faith and trust is - but it appears to be paying some dividends now. Gambhir's approach to team selection isn't too dissimilar to Dhoni's - back your boys, then back them some more, and if that isn't paying off, back them some more still.

Yusuf Pathan is to Gambhir as Jadeja is to Dhoni. #DDvsKKR
— Gaurav Sethi (@BoredCricket) April 20, 2015

KKR should make the playoffs. Let's see how far can one man's belief in his jaded army push them?

First published here

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After Yusuf Pathan Slapped Abusive Fan

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KKR – #IPL7PervView

This team has more baggage than Louis Vuitton. Most of the Final  XI are no longer part of their national squad.

Skipper, Gambhir, has a team of amazing has-beens. The very reason for this team is the nostalgia they serve at the post match party.

The memory chest overruns with Gambhir and Kallis on top.  Manish Pandey was the first Indian to score an IPL 100. Uthappa hasn’t done much since he doffed his imaginary hat vs. Pakistan in 2007. Yusuf Pathan.  Where do you start with Yusuf? You could ask his dad? Or Irfan? Or speak to his chewing gum. They all will have a tale to tell.

“..and what a time it was, it was...”

And if this wasn’t enough, there’s the Blast-from-the- Piyush Chawla.

If only these guys could play in sepia.

But all play they will, for Gambhir has to prove them wrong. The Avengers come to mind. Only KKR does not have an A in it.

But there is thought to this team, and it challenges Gambhir, Yusuf, Uthappa, Chawla – to start thinking, from has-beens to wannabes to will-bees, to who knows, maybe even a Beatle. Chawla would be Ringo. Gambhir, Lennon. Uthappa, Paul. And Yusuf, George.

Vinay Kumar would be the 5^th Beatle.

But what will Umesh Yadav be? From being India’s go-to bowler, he’s either injured or benched, even Varun Aaron’s beamers play before him.  Yadav has played only 1 T20 international.  Ishant Sharma has played 14, going at 8.63 runs per over, 8 wickets, average 50. Their IPL numbers though are woefully similar. As are most Indian medium fast types.

Other firangs have their own baggage: Shakib, KKR barely play him, not foreign enough for them.  Should be their first overseas’ player.  Kallis started with Wasim Jaffer and Chanderpaul in RCB’s famous Test Playing IPL team. Since then, he’s retired from Test cricket. Kallis can bat, bowl and grow hair. But in spite of all his greatness, there’s way too much method in his batting to be your go-to-T20 batsman top of the order. Can’t you see that dot played straight to cover with that beautifully angled bat?

Andre Russell inhabited the DD bench more than Tiwary, India’s. And when Russell did play, he bowled that one over, that invariably was his last.  Morne Morkel was dropped by DD for a qualifier/semi-final/Eliminator ; yeah, one of those things, when he was their top bowler. And he’s seen some bad days in the IPL, bowls length, almost as readily as Ishant. Gets hammered, like Ishant. But can run through the batting, unlike Ishant. But if you watched him slide and sort-of-field, your heart with bleed for the turf and his limbs in equal measure.

And then there’s Sunil Narine, who doesn’t quite fit into this team but won them the tournament, outsourcing it’s called.

Likely Playing XI (batting order)

1 Gambhir

2 Kallis

3 Manish Pandey

4 Uthappa

5 Shakib

6 Yusuf Pathan

7 Ryan Ten Doeschate / Chris Lynn / Cummins / Morne Morkel

8 Piyush Chawla

9 Narine

10 Vinay Kumar

11 Umesh Yadav / Bisla

KKR could make the playoffs, either for the top four or the bottom two: depends how far can one man’s belief in his jaded army can take them?   

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Pathans at the IPL Auction

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Save the Pathans campaign

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Paging Yusuf Pathan because nobody’s calling him.

Did the missing tooth do him in?

Hey Yusuf,

You, me and cricket are doing some strange things together – when I didn’t want you in the team, you were always there. Now when I want you in, you’re out, baby.

I could always tell when you were about to hold out first ball, second ball to long off or long on. You know why? Because it usually was first ball or second ball, long on or long off. It was as if the pressure of hitting the first ball for six was making your head and the bubble gum explode simultaneously – must have been a freak of a pressure equation, you poor Pathan. 

I was convinced you were not only a selector but also the guy who owns a cement company. The way it worked was, you were being rewarded for trying to hit a hole in one - which as per my calculations is making all the runs in one ball.

Then one day, you wrote a letter to yourself – finally had enough of your shenanigans.  

Dear Yusuf,

It’s not working, gotta drop you.

Yours truly,

Yusuf

You returned to the domestics, and how you domesticated, nay, enslaved the bowlers, you brute of a boy. I have not forgotten the 2010 Duleep trophy finals.

You returned, I was still sceptical. These were not domestics anymore. They do bowl fast and short here, you know. But you played two knocks, and took many on your body, you pulled, you plotted, you played, how you played.

I remember, and so should every Indian. They were not too different from the Duleep trophy back-from-the-dead turnarounds. I do not recall watching knocks of such intensity, by an Indian batsman in the last few years (in ODIs ok?). If I recall, you were good enough for a few overs too.

Then the World Cup happened, you were hurled around the order, and it was obvious – your failures would accommodate Raina. That when Raina’s form had been on the wane for a while.

You didn’t make the Caribbean or England. Now when Gambhir, Sehwag, Yuvraj, Rohit, Bhajji, possibly Sachin, are all out of the one-dayers, you still don’t make it.

Ravindra Jadeja, and now Manoj Tiwary got a call.

You can tell us, what did you say to the doctor?

(Thanks to @forwardshortleg's tweet - So Yusuf Pathan's stock has Nosedived so much since the World Cup that Ravindra Jadeja and Manoj Tiwary are picked ahead of him!)

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Come again, what did MS Dhoni say about crowd and country?

I ditched Nirula’s stink, seeking lunch at Anapurna. Obscured by the mithai station, two guys were talking about how Bhajji should have bowled. Is there anyone on earth, other than MSD and Bhajji who thinks Bhajji should not have bowled?

I snacked and slammed MSD, you gotta get it out somewhere. I’m gonna tell you what I told them – MSD and Bhajji collectively chickened out. This is not the first time, over the last year or so, it’s always the other specialist spinner (if there is one) who bowls the powerplays – I have seen Amit Mishra and Ashwin bowl in the power plays, hardly Bhajji. Bhajji has been shielded through both bad form and the power plays. In the meantime, Ojha and Mishra have been eliminated, now Chawla, and soon Ashwin.

That last over could have cost Bhajji – instead of a ‘I hate Ashish Nehra” facebook page, it could have been ‘I hate Bhajji’ page. That is what decided the last over. Nehra is expendable, Bhajji is Indian cricket’s expense account.

Yes he bats, I'll give him that gladly. But the only reason Bhajji’s 5 were in the bank till the 40th were that he was gonna bowl out till the death – the 49th or 50th over, and he was not ripped into either, why didn’t you bowl Bhajji, MS? Good luck with the answer, be easier opening Dravid’s mouth on the Chappell years.

Post-match what MS did say was “You don’t play for the crowd, you play for country” – Screw the grey areas here, and let’s be as Black & White as MS is. Who are the players, given their approach and mindset, more prone to play for country –

I know we’re bordering on the ridiculous here, but the way I break this statement down is, who are the hitters or luppe wallahs, and who are the guys who can hold back and taste the moment – from whatever I’ve seen, Sachin, Gambhir, Kohli, and to a lesser extent, Dhoni are the guys who can play in different gears, they can, and have, more often than the others, not been sucked in by the crowds.

Yet, what does MS do – after Gambhir, it’s Yusuf, Yuvraj, MSD and then Kohli. MS, you fucked up bigtime, get off your political high horse, and let the guys play cricket.

In hindsight, 296 should have been a lot easier to chase. But much as I’ve stuck it into MS here, he was captain enough to somehow push it to the 50th. In spite of this match, he’s still the best guy to captain India now, and it’s not all luck. It’s politics, and that can be a positive at times. But just wasn’t this time. Both he and Bhajji need to grow up, there’s a home advantage, and it’s not going anywhere.

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Latest concerns over Yusuf Pathan

"Eh.. we’ve had complaints that this creature 

called Yusuf Pathan has attacked our cricketers"

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Player Profile: Yusuf Pathan

From Irfan’s half brother, he’s now Irfan’s better half brother. Starred in the cricketing equivalent of Godfather where he was Don Warne’s favourite son. Loves the home turf, and if he had his way, all games would be played in his neighbourhood – is used to bashing bad bowling, be it Irfan’s, or whatever else the local goons throw at him. Once upon a time he chewed gum and played with the Rajasthan Royals, then realized it takes much more to be King Richards.

Glamorized the Ranji, Duleep, Deodhar, Irani and other desi tournaments by winning matches solo. Legend has it, when India was 108/4 chasing New Zealand’s 314, Yusuf next in to bat, skipper Gambhir whispered in his ear, “that is not New Zealand, that is North Zone”.

Throughout his savage innings of 123 (96 balls, 7 4s, 7 6s), Yusuf repeated the secret mantra, ““that is not New Zealand, that is North Zone”.

It was only after he came off the field that Gambhir removed the spell, whispering in his ear, ““that is not North Zone, that is New Zealand”. To which Yusuf grinned, “I knew it…they are fair in the North, but not too fair like in New Zealand”.

Yusuf went on to play in the World Cup, where he continued to make bad bowling look worse.

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Yusuf Pathan: I spy....

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Wikileaks: India’s team for the World Cup

On the back of some unexpected success from their part timers albeit against New Zealand, a document that reveals India’s starting XI for the World Cup has come to light. The thinking is obvious - pack the team with batsmen, though closer examination shows these are all batsmen who can bowl.

Apart from Gautam Gambhir, everyone who makes the final XI, including Dhoni will bowl. Gambhir himself made the team only after he bowled a few in the nets. With Rohit, Raina, Yusuf and Yuvi, India’s strategy is to stun the opposition into complacency. While more often than not, Yusuf takes a wicket in his first over, Raina is the partnership breaker, Rohit a relative unknown, and Yuvraj, the senior part timer. Together they will control the middle overs on the sub continent's slow and low wickets.

Plan B: In case the part timers are taken apart, there's Kohli or Sehwag, and when all else fails, there is Tendulkar.

India’s XI for the World Cup: Sachin Tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Virat Kohli, Yuvraj Singh, Suresh Raina, MS Dhoni, Rohit Sharma, Yusuf Pathan, Harbhajan Singh, Zaheer Khan.

While Zaks and Bhajji will open the bowling with their medium pacers, Dhoni will be first change with his seamers. The back-up keeper will be Kohli.

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Yusuf Pathan goes medieval

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Y Pathan? Yusuf answers.

1. Beard transplant via his namesake to maintain a steady head for fluent stroke play. Notice forward defense shots, that’s all beard-head dynamics.

2. Invasive hug to partner as if he was Mrs. Saurabh Tiwari.

3. Render two World Cup hopefuls hopeless. And some Kiwis too.

4. Squatted as if to prepare for morning ablutions, instead sweep-slogged a 6 over long on.

5. Revealed his scary venus fly trap tongue

6. Prepared for IPL auction even before the World Cup

7. No chewing gum

8. Teeth

9. Has his cricinfo profile updated on match day - best bowling analysis + score in one game, and it shows up.

10. Here's to sibling rivalry (Irfan, get off yr ass)

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Y Pathan? is back. Not funny.

(1st ODI, Guwahati)

Dread days like this, when Y Pathan? returns, and does something remotely useful. I ask, why Pathan? He scored runs, not many, but enough to answer at seven for the way he made them. Dropped off a full toss, and then caught off a full toss. Before that, a six, which is what they want at seven – someone who hits sixes. And now Y Pathan? is the new first slipper – 3 catches to his name. Small mercies he bowled his first over for 15, and an improvement was 9 of the second.

But this is little trivia. Y Pathan? plundered in the Ranji’s as he often does. He returns as he will exit, almost as if he is periodically rested. Both fulfill some street parrot prophecy. You and I can call it too. Oh look, there walks in Y Pathan? And today he played New Zealand, ask Gambhir, he will tell you what sort of team they are.

He didn’t even bat at 7, came in at 6. More than Y Pathan?, it’s the selectors that want him to play this World Cup.

(2nd ODI, Jaipur)

Today, a wicket of his first ball. Looking at him celebrate, you’d think he just got Ross Taylor out. Which he did. Bowled only 4 overs, for a run less than Motera. Some improvement. Y Pathan? did not bat today.

Note: We will refer to Yusuf Pathan as Y Pathan? as there is still a question mark to his name. Say it, Y Pathan? Bewildered?

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India to field weakened side for second game

After a second string side beat New Zealand in Guwahati, the selectors are determined to pick an even weaker team for the 2nd one-dayer. Virat Kohli continues to be a spoke in the wheels, staying the selection of India’s next great batsman, Rohit Sharma. A selector who claims to be from no zone in particular yet always in the zone, claims Sharma’s selection will have a long term impact on where India will be ten years on, whereas Kohli is scoring all these hundreds now, but lacks the staying power of a Sharma. He further added that Twenty20 will be the only format played in 2020, for which Sharma is a must-have.

Naturally the return of the two Ys, Yuvraj and Yusuf, is not entirely a cricketing one. The selector says, Yuvraj fills the stands faster than free passes to the girls while Yusuf’s monster hits into the stands make the spectators feel like they’re an integral part of the game. Can you imagine holding a freshly smoked ball, that too by Yusuf Pathan? The board is in talks with a chewing gum company to have the gum pasted on Yusuf’s 6s. Bubbles will be a bonus.

To make the next match far more competitive, Yuvraj will not bowl, will Yusuf will bowl his full quota of ten overs.

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Oh no, it’s Yusuf Pathan again

First the selectors refused to drop him. He refused to score runs. Didn’t matter. He refused to take wickets. Didn’t matter. Then they stopped playing the IPL highlights package, and everyone realized, Yusuf doesn’t score run in real-time anymore. He was dropped.

But today’s Ranji game could prove devastating. He scalped No.10 Hooda. Figures of 1 for 12. And then, take that you *#$% 65 of 47, 6 4s, and 4 6s (how lyrical). Tomorrow if he scores a hundred, it could even undermine Bhajji’s – is that a bad thing? Which begs the question, who of the two is a better batsman? And of course, an even more relevant question, who of the two is a better bowler?

While Bhajji fires with the bat when you least expect him too in tests, Yusuf’s test career hasn't fired off so far. A thought just came to me, why not undermine the Kiwis some more, play Yusuf against them.

Ridiculous? Hardly, he’s played 37 ODIs, and threatens to, with each domestic whirlwind, play a 38th. That I cannot take. With each Ranji knock, he demeans our Gross Domestic Product. I say, recreate an international environment each time Yusuf chews his way to the centre. Bouncier pitches, bouncier deliveries, 6 bouncier(s) per over. Why the hell doesn’t he go South Africa and play there? England? Australia, c’mon Shane, work something out for your favourite sunny boy.

The day Yusuf learns to counter the short ball, he will chew less, and blow more bubbles.

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Frequent flyer miles

That’s what Raina and his rouges picked from the Windies to Zimba to India to Lanka. They dropped their pants in the one-dayers, then they put them on, and got lucky with the toss. You’d expect an India A side to beat the Zim mainstay. Didn’t happen, and it’s swell the toss worked as an alibi.

But the WTF T20 series, that was an assault on the non-senses, could the BCCI not evict their team once they didn’t make the finals. Instead the boys had to see Victoria falls I presume.

Yusuf Pathan became man-of-the-match. Then Yusuf walked in, with little to do except hit a six and win the game. But the wily Zimba boy, bowled a short ball, and how could he let it go – so he tonked it, well within the 30 yards. He got out, as did his judgment. That was entertainment.

Which the Zim commentators are not – they will tell you about Yusuf, “when he hits it, it stays hit”. They will also call Naman Ojha – Dinesh Karthik. And then comes the smug Tony Greg looking down on God’s creation and Arun Lal, which is ok, because A Lal looks down on A Lal.

The WTF T20 series. Everyone gave a flying fck. For miles and miles.

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The WTF T20 Series

If you knew there was a T20 game today, before today, then you are some piece of work. The mobile phone sponsors are doing a great disservice to mobile phone credibility with their advertising, top that, they sponsor a deferred T20 Cup – how can it be telecast Live when both teams are dead. India was all along, now even Zim is. They lost the toss.

Initially I took the solitary T20 game to constitute a cup, but there’s a second game tomorrow. It’s bad enough Yusuf Pathan was the match man of today, denying an anonymous left-armer who went for under three runs-per-over. Clear case of wrong guy getting the award, could have been worse, the wrong Ojha.

Then little man Chawla descended from somewhere; the selectors keen to make up for Chawla’s World T20 invisibility, played him for an entire T20 game – though at one point I did see him walk away.

The openers continued in the rich vein of Tamil Nadu batsmen that make the highest level their lowest level – and before you say, Naman Oja is from MP, I did hear him say, “Areh ho sambar”.

On an unrelated note, isn’t Mpofu a fascinating name, and it makes me wanna sing that Prince song, you sexy Mpofu…how bad can tomorrow’s game be, there is always the football world cup. Same time as your T20 game.

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Nobody was picked, Nobody was dropped.

I feel a little small again. Like I did when I made the team. That day I made the teamsheet but none of the headlines. That I'm used to, now I don't even make it to the fine print. It's always for guys like Yuvi, Yusuf, Sachin sir. When they return, when they're unavailable, when they're dropped.

So I made a comeback, so what? So I got dropped, so what? Was I even in the team? I have all sorts of questions in my head. First I used to feel like a somebody. But that lasted a few days around my debut. I was so happy to be noticed, it was almost too good. Bhajji talked to me, and MS Bhai encouraged me, I still remember those hugs in Mohali. I will never wash that shirt.

But after that, I've been more out than in. And even when I'm out, nobody notices. Not even the papers in Haryana. Then again they say they do not read papers in Haryana. I spoke with Viru bhai, he said I too should start tweeting, everybody reads tweet. But I know, nobody will follow me, I'm a nobody.

Sometimes I get crazy ideas, like that beard I grew. I was also thinking of wearing a blond wig to get noticed, but Gauti said, don't be stupid. I decided against it, Gauti is a good friend.

In between I started to wear Ed Hardy t-shirts like everybody else. It wasn't easy, at the store they said, "Oye, tere paas body nahin hai...kya pahenega" Then I pulled out a clipping of my debut and stuffed it...they shut the f*** up. Sorry, I don't like to swear but I hate it when people treat me like a nobody. Maybe because I know I am a nobody. But I still feel if they drop me the press should say something. It feels good being noticed.

Thanks for listening, and finally my motto is "Nobody is Perfect"

A Mishra (one day I will make it The Mishra!!)

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Proof that our seniors are hung up

It's wrong to say India was knocked out by Sri Lanka. India was knocked out by India. This the seniors back home know only too well, when contacted Kumble said in his typical strong jawed manner, "there was only one team not playing cricket". When reminded that Australia was not part of the tri-series, Kumble hung up.

Tendulkar was kinder when he said, "the boys need our support and I'm sure they'll bounce back." When reminded that these boys will not get a chance to bounce back as the seniors will take their place, Tendulkar hung up.

MS Dhoni stopped his bike in mid-air to answer our phone; he cracked a few jokes, but blamed Nohit Sharma's run-out for the defeats. He further added that Nohit once ran him out and he had not forgotten. When informed that Nohit's twin tons were the only positives from the series, MSD hung up.

Ganguly said that if MS Dhoni is a bit of a gambler, then Suresh Raina is a bit of a gamble. He added that not opening with Yusuf Pathan (as mentioned in his column repeatedly) was a gamble worth taking. When informed that Yusuf Pathan's mastery of the short ball was worse than his, he hung up.

Dravid refused to comment, when reminded that it was high time he said something, he hung up.

Cheeka rambled - "IDunnoWaatToSayWeNeedMaybeMoreCSKPlayersHahahaAfterAllTheyAreWhatYouCallItTheChampionsOfHahahaAndTheBestInTheCountryHahaIWillSpeakWithSriAndSeeIfWeCanPlayHaydosHaha! Which is when we hung up.

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