How the Pope took on the BCCI...and lost

A security breach into the Vatican’s email systems has uncovered a trail of communication, amounting to thousands of emails between members at the highest offices of both institutions; including Lalit Modi.

It is incomprehensible why a relationship would even exist between the two institutions; each commanding the following of over a billion people world wide; mostly distinct; in matters relating to God. However, it is now quite evident that the Pope had tried to take on the BCCI…..and lost.

Emails exchanged as recently as early this week reveal how miffed the BCCI was with the Pope’s use of words announcing his resignation.

“After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry”

Emails sent to the Vatican office’s email address from a BCCI email address, confirm that the BCCI believes the Pope used his resignation to take a dig at Sachin Tendulkar.

“We had instructed you to keep Sachin out of this” 

reads one of the emails sent after the Pope’s resignation.

When asked for a reaction to the Pope’s words and whether he felt it was a “dig” at him, the ever humble Sachin Tendulkar flatly denied having ever “examined” the Pope’s conscience. “I don’t tell anyone when to resign” is all Sachin was willing to say on this, reaching deep within his humble self to carefully construct the most humble set of words that can be humbly uttered by the humblest of beings, firmly grounded in his humble achievements in the most humble fashion. 

Communication between the two institutions started on a contentious note to begin with; when India decided to elevate Sachin to God-hood; and have deteriorated ever since. It was an elevation that left the Vatican in a position of “spiritual insecurity” as per an email from the Pope’s own offices.

“We can offer Sachin saint hood but he cannot be God” is what the email said.

Legal advice to the BCCI at the time, was in favor of the BCCI forging a working relationship with the Vatican in order to escape the tax bills that were anticipated. However, when the Church realized that the BCCI stands to gain financially if they were to grant Sachin sainthood, based on his miracles in the cricket field, the Vatican had demanded that the BCCI grant the rights to the IPL Kochi franchise, in exchange

The real reason behind the scrapping of the IPL Kochi franchise is now apparent. Even after the BCCI refused the deal, they believed that the Church was secretly funding the franchise and benefiting from it. So the BCCI had moved fast to cancel the franchise.

In several subsequent emails the Vatican has tried to find common ground, with one email going so far as to equate the BCCI’s “admirable” stance against the DRS to its own stance on contraception.

“The DRS is the contraception of cricket. Given your admirable stance on this subject, we find reason to believe that the Holy Spirit intends that the Church and the BCCI find a way to work together and heal the world from suffering”

Growing increasingly uncomfortable with the Vatican’s advances for another IPL franchise insisting that…

“Lalit had promised us a franchise. Email Attached"

…the BCCI raised the stakes by threatening to go public with the relationship, the Church's demands for an IPL franchise and its challenge to Sachin's God-hood. This was the last thing the Pope wanted. He could survive scandals involving alleged cover-up of child abuse, but the Pope did not believe he could survive the scandal that might erupt when the public learns of his unhappiness over Sachin’s God-hood.

When the BCCI got a whiff that the Pope might indeed retire, they were forceful in ensuring that the Pope "resigns" and not "retires". While Vatican agreed that the Pope would indeed "resign", they were still unwilling to share the final copy of the Pope's speech.

"We do not wish that your retirement in any way draws attention to Sachin's non-retirement. Best you resign" 

This was the only course left open to him by the BCCI; but not before he could take a dig at Sachin Tendulkar.

Disclaimer: Yeah! you guessed it. This didn't actually happen like that. Work of pure fiction; that's what this is.

- By Golandaaz - Blogs @ Opinions on Cricket, Follow Tweets @Oponcr, Facebook likes @ Opinions Facebook page

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Indian cricketers to attend training camp before solitary T20 match vs. South Africa.

Taking no chances before India’s do-or-die match against South Africa, coach Duncan Fletcher cracked the whip, demanding an emergency Training Camp in Leh, Ladakh as early as 27^th March.

Fletcher’s lips moved, but we couldn’t hear what he was saying. At which point, a lip reader was called in. “We want the players to acclimatize to Leh’s high altitude and not rush into their training right away - we arrive in Leh on 27^th, train on 28^th and leave a full day early for Joburg on the 29^th for the one-off T20 match on the 30^th…” the lip-reader translated most skillfully as Fletcher’s jaw dropped further.

Fletcher: Read my lips

 Leh (11562 ft) is at twice the altitude of Joburg (5751 ft).  Fletcher who has lost more games than he’s coached believes training in Leh will doubly prepare the Indians for the arduously short tour of South Africa.   

It’s learnt the BCCI wants to win this pointless T20 match at all costs, and will send a full-strength team (sans Sachin  and Sehwag) India: MS Dhoni (C), Virat Kohli (Vice-Captain), Robin Uthappa, Gautam Gambhir, Rohit Sharma, Suresh Raina, Ravindra Jadeja, R Ashwin, Praveen Kumar, Vinay Kumar, Rahul Sharma, Yusuf Pathan, Manoj Tiwary, Irfan Pathan, Ashok Dinda.

 Meanwhile South African could field up to three debutants with only Kallis and Tsotosbe from the test side in New Zealand being included. South Africa: Johan Botha (C), Farhaan Behardien, Faf du Plessis, Jacques Kallis, Colin Ingram, Richard Levi, Albie Morkel, Justin Ontong, Wayne Parnell, Rusty Theron, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Morne van Wyk, Dane Vilas.

A Board spokesperson believes this T20 game will be excellent preparation for the IPL which begins on either April 4^th or 5^th, in the same breath he also rued the absence of warm-up matches in South Africa.

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Lalit Modi offers to shift IPL-5 to England.

After being declared bankrupt and subsequently asked to pay damages to the tune of $142,000 to Chris Cairns, Lalit Modi tweeted somewhat incoherently – Tell Srini I can shift the IPL to England in a few weeks. When reminded that the IPL starts in a few days in India, he muttered something about South Africa – and even though I’m not at the best of terms with the BCCI, they should still give me a few weeks.

But what can be the reason behind this vague offer – Modi experts claim it’s nothing more than a parent pining to hold his baby and cell phone again, simultaneously.

   

Experts questioned IPL chairman, Rajiv Shukla on this custody battle – Shukla snorted, saying neither he nor former chairman, Chirayu Amin ever thought of Modi as their Baap!  It was only when Modi was chairman that he was both Baap and Beta!

In other news, Chris Cairns hopes to fulfil his dream of playing for the IPL now that his name has been cleared, hopefully alongside Sachin Tendulkar in the Mumbai Indians - "Today's verdict lifts a dark cloud that has been over me for the past two years. I feel great relief that I am able to walk into any cricket ground in the world especially the Wankhede and the DY Patil…with my head held high.” He quickly added that he was even happier that Sachin had made his 100^th 100.

Lalit Modi also tweeted his congratulations to Sachin, but for the master blaster’s maiden IPL ton.

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Reasons why Viru won't play Holi.

It’s still unclear why Viru hasn’t been picked for the Asia Cup. While both the Board and Viru agree on injury and rest, their versions are poles apart.

Now it’s come to pass that Viru will not play Holi with the team. Why, what now?  While the first explanation from the selectors was that he’s been rested from the game of Holi, word doing the rounds is that he has indeed been dropped.  

While BCCI claims that Sehwag's balloon throwing arm is not 100%. Sehwag says he's allergic to colours.

Already Uthappa has been picked to play Holi instead of Sehwag. Sachin Tendulkar chose to play Holi with his family in Mumbai, so in all likelihood Uthappa’s pichkari partner will be Gambhir.

Gambhir himself is quite miffed, as the coveted job of filling pichkaris has been handed to Kohli.

Some conspiracy theorists claim there’s no need to look any further than the IPL next month. Delhi Daredevils have a new jingle, Viru will need at least four weeks to get one of his two left feet moving.  

Yet another crass explanation was he doesn't want to be a damp squib and play with MS, Raina, Ashwin, Jadeja and the CSK boys.

Viru’s friends say - He keeps laughing after Bhang. He keeps crying after Bhang. He keeps contradicting MS after Bhang.  He keeps running away with Gauti after Bhang.

Manoj Tiwary has decided against joining the team, even though there’s a seat on the bus reserved for him. Tiwary is staying back in Bengal, and will play Holi under Dada’s watchful eye.

In his preparation to play Holi with the team next year, Bhajji has started juggling balloons and pichkaris and fast colours simultaneously – some say his balloons can hurt when there aim is true as he inserts pebbles into them.  

Bhajji said as he has played Holi internationally, his fellow revellers try and stay out of his way, which is why, he rarely gets to hit anybody.

A word from MS – “I don’t know whether I’ll be playing Holi with the team in 2013, especially the longer version where we get Bhanged all day and hurl random strangers into swimming pools and feel each other with more lust than love”

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Shahrukh Khan will dance at Sahara weddings for generations to come (price of BCCI-Sahara peace)

It was never going to be about sorry or money, but something the Sahara clan can’t get enough of: star power. In 2006, Saharashri signed on Anna Kournikova, Boris Becker, Nadia “10” Comaneci. Before that he coughed up $128 million for the wedding of his two kids, invited 11,000 guests and your mother too.

Somewhere Sourav Ganguly linked up stardom, sports and weddings – his winning proposal to the Saharas, if SRK is so damn keen to dance for the BCCI, why not make him dance for you too? Translated from the Bengali – if SRK wants to negotiate on the BCCI’s behalf, make him dance for you.

Sourav and SRK go back some way, mostly 'my way or the highway'. What better than to make SRK dance; the Saharas pounced on the idea. He may not be Salman, but he’s still SRK. And he likes doing weddings.

Sourav sweetened the deal for both Sahara and himself: Make him dance for the next four generations of Sahara weddings, let me choose the dance mixes.

SRK who’s known to be fiercely loyal to his KKR franchise agreed on the condition that Dada dances with him to Korbo Lorbo Jeetbe Ro. 

Dada who has a poor dancing record, last seen with Hrithik Roshan in the Hero ad, blurted out, “who me??”

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The Number ‘One’ resigns its post.

Following the one-sided Edgbaston Test, the number ‘One’ has petitioned the world of Math’s to reorder the number system. Embarrassed by the erstwhile No.1 team’s performance, the Number ‘One’ was at a loss for words – “One cannot continue as the head of natural numbers, one wants to resign one’s position…” 

If the request is accepted then apart from the obvious alterations in Arithmetic one expects changes in other texts too. "Famous Firsts" in History could be changed to "Scintillating Seconds" and water won’t be H20 anymore but H3O2. Neil Armstrong, Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay will lose relevance while Buzz Aldrin and Jurg Marmet will be elevated to further celebrity status. Everest itself could lose prominence to K2. China will officially change its 1 child policy to 2 many. 

Extra: While it has been accepted that the Number Zero was India's contribution to the world, it is now believed that the Indian was none other than Jatman, Sehwag.

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Ishant Sharma has a plan.

It’s been learnt that Ishant Sharma could force the batsman to play the ball on the 5th day of the Edgbaston test. The plan until then is to muddle the batsman’s mind with a shrewd mix of wide outside-off and way outside leg bowling. In a nutshell, Ishant intends to play the waiting game. 

The erstwhile conqueror of Ponting plans to bowl in the extended-corridor of uncertainty (keeping 3rd slip and gully honest) and only gradually move his probing line closer to the stumps. 

“Look at my figures, I am the cheapest bowler today – 7 overs for just 16 runs, I want to make The Zaks proud…he once sang to me, you’re still young, it’s not your fault” explained Ishant as he gathered his goodies from the Riot! Sale. 

In the absence of Zaheer Khan, Ishant could also attempt copying the injured bowler’s action, yet again. Last seen Ishant was looking for a hamstring injury. 

Meanwhile Sachin Tendulkar, who is still enjoying the game, has postponed plans of scoring his 100th 100 until the 4th Test to put the team's interest ahead of personal milestones.

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BCCI announces more warm-up matches

India’s second warm-up game hasn’t gone too badly, someone other than Rahul Dravid has made a hundred – the third opener Abhinav Mukund. He had no right to, but if he can, everybody should, is the thinking doing the rounds – if we have more warm-ups, who knows, MSD and Raina could get 50s, and that augurs well for CSK.

The 2 day game against Northants is over on Saturday, which leaves a full three days for the Indians. BCCI is in talks with the ECB to shove a few more warm-up games, the odd T20 (the boys like that) and even a one-day international, the kind of thing the world champions like. There is also a strong push from the BCCI for coloured clothing in test cricket. But the BCCI is no hurry, a test series with the Sri Lankans could be a good testing ground for that.

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Bangladesh question India’s test status.

In a shock move, minnows Bangladesh have questioned India’s test status after the massive 319 run defeat at Trent Bridge. A BCB official snorted, “we have bin on the receiving end, and after the phuture tours program wherein India will not visit our beloved nation for the next ten years, we believe enough iz enough – our test status has been questioned by every Tam, Dick and Harry, why don’t they put their glass house in order before throwing test status stones at others”.

When asked if Bangladesh will also encourage illegal immigration from across the border, the official snapped, “that’s not cricket!”

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Sachin’s schedule for next Wimbledon.

Sachin can be very perceptive: he holds himself responsible for Federer’s defeat at Wimbledon. He believes that it was soon after their meeting that Federer was knocked out, whereas players like Nadal and Djokovic who he did not hangout with made the finals.

It could be a punishing schedule next Wimbledon – Sachin is taking no chances, and wants to be in London for 2 weeks till Federer seals the deal.

His plan: acquire Federer’s draw way before hand, and then meet each one of Federer’s opponents from the first round onwards. Rumour is Sachin could also meet some of Federer’s warm-up partners, for he knows only too well, how losing warm-up games can demoralize a champion.

As for meeting Federer, that can wait. Sachin will not appear at any of Federer’s matches. Superstitious as he is, he feels eye contact could prove fatal.

Another thing, Sachin will don a different suit next time around: A pajama suit if you please.

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Steyn alive, but just

After slaving through 31 overs, the most by any bowler so far, Dale Steyn will bowl unchanged in the Indian second innings. Out of 117.1 overs, Steyn bowled less than half the overs – he could have bowled as many as 58 overs, but Smith wanted to save him for India’s second innings - “No matter what the workload is, he is ready to go all out for his team”, said Smith; while Steyn on conditions of anonymity told us he secretly prayed South Africa doesn’t score too many – “a lead of 150 is fine by me – we can get the Indians out in 50 overs, and I will only have to bowl 25 overs. But if the Indians get 250 plus then I will ask Smith to save me for the tailenders – that’s when I get a spring in my step and touch the 90 mph mark”.

Smith was also seen speaking to a masseur and physiotherapist about Kallis – “I don’t care, make him bowl, bat, the fielding is not a concern”. Meanwhile Kallis is looking to grow a beard now.

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Sachin Tendulkar on his 49th and 50th test hundreds

“It’s just another number for me”. That’s what you’ve heard Sachin say. What you haven’t is this –“my 49th hundred was very special, it was not just another number…I still remember, it was 9th October in Bangalore, we were playing Australia and we beat them but here we could lose to South Africa and in two months time I’d like to forget all about this hundred and the bad memories attached to it…it’s just another number for me” Sachin added again. "But the 49th was the reason I interacted with a lotta weirdos who kept asking me about the 50th (which I kept telling them, was just another number) – anyway, most of these weirdos knew nothing about cricket, they were being paid to ask me about my 50th – so I would ask them what do you think of my 49th hundred…and one guy actually said, oh that one, wasn’t that the first double hundred in a one-day game? Of course talking about the 49th hundred, which incidentally, was a double hundred, made me write to the ICC to reconsider double hundreds as two hundreds – that way I could have been at 50 hundreds already (which is just another number for me)..."

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Wikileaks: India’s team for the World Cup

On the back of some unexpected success from their part timers albeit against New Zealand, a document that reveals India’s starting XI for the World Cup has come to light. The thinking is obvious - pack the team with batsmen, though closer examination shows these are all batsmen who can bowl.

Apart from Gautam Gambhir, everyone who makes the final XI, including Dhoni will bowl. Gambhir himself made the team only after he bowled a few in the nets. With Rohit, Raina, Yusuf and Yuvi, India’s strategy is to stun the opposition into complacency. While more often than not, Yusuf takes a wicket in his first over, Raina is the partnership breaker, Rohit a relative unknown, and Yuvraj, the senior part timer. Together they will control the middle overs on the sub continent's slow and low wickets.

Plan B: In case the part timers are taken apart, there's Kohli or Sehwag, and when all else fails, there is Tendulkar.

India’s XI for the World Cup: Sachin Tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Virat Kohli, Yuvraj Singh, Suresh Raina, MS Dhoni, Rohit Sharma, Yusuf Pathan, Harbhajan Singh, Zaheer Khan.

While Zaks and Bhajji will open the bowling with their medium pacers, Dhoni will be first change with his seamers. The back-up keeper will be Kohli.

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Dan sings the Rain Blues

Spotted outside the MA Chidambaram stadium, venue of the 5th ODI between India and New Zealand, a handful of crazy fans are praying for rain. This went largely unnoticed, till a group of Black Caps led by Daniel Vettori joined them.

Even though Vettori and his boys were in disguise, dressed appropriately as peacocks, the theme for this congregation, it was the captains’ hangdog look that gave him away.

Cover blown, Vettori mumbled something about how it was unfortunate that rain had postponed the one-day series in Sri Lanka. Carrying on in the same vein, he added that the Aussis did not deserve to be saved by rain at Adelaide.

“I will gladly play a rain-effected match today, as we have had some success in the past against India in T20s.” he said, as he turned to sing the Rain Song in Tamil.

James Franklin was still at the hotel, watching the highlights of his 98 not out in Bangalore.

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Warne's pre-Ashes workout and beyond

Shane Warne has decided to play for Pakistan first, and then consider his options with Australia. Comebacks, even post retirement, have always been much easier in Pakistan, Mohammed Yousuf will vouch that that. Also playing for Pakistan will ease Warne into international cricket, he can get away with 2 over spells, then go off for a drink, smoke, put his legs up, Akhtar will vouch for that.

Appears he will return for the tour opener - Auckland vs. Pakistanis, a warm-up match on 23rd December. If he wants, he will be allowed to captain the side. In all likelihood, if he has a good game, he will seriously consider playing in the Boxing Day test in Melbourne.

Warne claims if fitness is an issue, he will stand at first slip throughout the test. He wants to be there to captain the side, and reduce Ricky’s load so he can focus on his batting. Warne also said he was looking to replicate his Rajasthan Royals’ model in the Australian team, and having Shane Watson play for him was just great. Though he did quickly add, that not having Yusuf Pathan was a huge blow.

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Australia beat weather, lose Adelaide.

Even before the weather could intervene, Australia made quick work of the 2nd test, losing their last 6 wickets in the first session itself. “We didn’t want to be dependent on the weather – it’s terrible when you’re constantly reminded that the weather saved you..also now the Poms don’t have the gloating rights, they won a test but we can live with that” said Ponting.

In another instance, Cricket Australia has come down heavily on their players. By losing well within the first 90 minutes, that is way before 7 AM Indian Standard Time, there was a massive loss of Indian viewership. It is still not certain, but the players could lose up to 70-90% of their match fees. North and Doherty could even face a one-to-two match suspension. Expect the official reason to be CA’s rotational policy, injury or something as lame as loss of form.

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India to rest everyone for 4th and 5th ODIs

After another pointless game, this time in Baroda, India will play only debutants for the fourth and fifth one-dayers. However, as it’s also the Ranji season, most of the first class players will be unavailable for selection. Che Pujara, will however make himself available to lead a team of retired players that will include Arun Lal, Ravi Shastri, LS and Sunny Gavaskar amongst others.

Naturally this will leave a void in the commentary box, one the BCCI is hoping, cricket bloggers and enthusiasts will fill up. This will be an honorary job, and the compensation will be limited to board and lodging. If interested, please mail us at bcciwrites@gmail.com

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Tendulkar's remodeled workout for the World Cup

By now you must know that Sachin Tendulkar along with a few others will leave early for South Africa, thereby missing out on the one-dayers against New Zealand, and with that, any pre-World Cup ODIs on Indian soil. That’s how it looks now. The BCCI, however, has moved swiftly on this – they have ensured that Sachin along with a few others will leave early for India, immediately after the test matches, thereby missing out on the one-dayers against South Africa. The wheels are in motion to set up a minimum 6 match one-day series against Sri Lanka. Dhoni will return as captain, along with what is being talked about as the starting XI for the World Cup. In Dhoni’s absence, Che Pujara will lead an Emerging India XI against South Africa in the one-dayers.

Appears India will play Sri Lanka at Mirpur, Kolkata, Bangalore, Delhi, Nagpur and Chennai. Except for Mirpur, which is in Bangladesh, there’s nothing odd about the venues – except that India will play all their World Cup Group matches at these venues.

If Sri Lanka pushes hard for a few one-dayers at Colombo and Hambanthota, the venues for their World Cup games, it’s possible, Che Pujara will lead an Emerging India XI in the Emerald Isle.

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Jaipur one-dayer tied in knots.

New Zealand scored 258, India, with a wide, and two byes, made it 259. Even then it was unclear whether the match was over. At the post-match conference, Shastri reminded Gambhir that New Zealand’s 259 was a good score. Gambhir echoed Shastri’s sentiment, agreeing that 259 indeed was a good score.

In light of what was spoken on television, it is learnt that the Jaipur match stands tied. To correct this, the Kiwis will play one more delivery, score another run, and arrive at 259. After which the Indian team will return to score the winning run.

It was also debated whether Ravi Shastri along with the Hon’ble committee in their white jacket-black pants and kurta pajama-muffler combos can return for another post match conference, and carry out a quick edit wherein Shastri and Gambhir correct themselves stating “258 was a good score” instead of 259.

This possibility was ruled out when the cameraman walked out, flatly refusing to film the clowns again.

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India to field weakened side for second game

After a second string side beat New Zealand in Guwahati, the selectors are determined to pick an even weaker team for the 2nd one-dayer. Virat Kohli continues to be a spoke in the wheels, staying the selection of India’s next great batsman, Rohit Sharma. A selector who claims to be from no zone in particular yet always in the zone, claims Sharma’s selection will have a long term impact on where India will be ten years on, whereas Kohli is scoring all these hundreds now, but lacks the staying power of a Sharma. He further added that Twenty20 will be the only format played in 2020, for which Sharma is a must-have.

Naturally the return of the two Ys, Yuvraj and Yusuf, is not entirely a cricketing one. The selector says, Yuvraj fills the stands faster than free passes to the girls while Yusuf’s monster hits into the stands make the spectators feel like they’re an integral part of the game. Can you imagine holding a freshly smoked ball, that too by Yusuf Pathan? The board is in talks with a chewing gum company to have the gum pasted on Yusuf’s 6s. Bubbles will be a bonus.

To make the next match far more competitive, Yuvraj will not bowl, will Yusuf will bowl his full quota of ten overs.

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