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A (fairly) new series on Player-Commentators
Play 2
Sometime in the future. Arun Lal, Harsha Bhogle and Zaheer Khan in the commentary box
HB : So Zaheer you reckon there's anything for the seamers here ?
No reply from Zaheer
Wicket falls
AL (excited) : Peach ! How good was that ! You must be impressed ,er, Zaheer ... ?
No reply from Zaheer. In fact ZAK has been quiet the entire time.
AL (uneasy little laugh) : Er Zaheer , I say , you haven't been , er , haha , injured , haha... ?
And ZAK nods !
AL(despairing): " Oh my goodness ,it's a mouth injury this time is it...(Agitated) but I..but I .can't understand it !"
HB ( bright , cheerful and pleasant self) : " Oh dear injured again but not to worry. Luckily for us we have a very talented reserve. Yes (smiles) step forward please won't you Manoj ?
Manoj Tiwari makes to move BUT..Suddenly ZAK starts speaking
ZAK : " Oh yes , definitely something in here for the bowlers ... "
HB (beaming) : " Ah Manoj , so we won't trouble you just yet now. But thanks so much, off you go to that bench of yours ,run along now ! Oh good lad ! "
Play It Again Sam : 2 - Benchion Not
The Bench warmers X1
By scorpicity
This is a long hop and for the Test x1... There are obviously many missed off my memory and hence it is not a well thought-out comprehensive line-up but one born out of waiting endlessly in an airport lobby.
The Batsmen:
Shaun Marsh
Arguably the best of the lads being churned out of the Australian domestic system. Chances of him playing for Australia are when the legendary batsmen in the current line-up develop acute chronic hernia.
Ravi Bopara and Owais Shah
England could easily feature an alternative 11 that will beat their national team 50-0 in any format of the game... that includes playing immediately after a bypass surgery. Victims of the sub-organization that unofficially run the ECB called “Stick-up-to-the-Bum-pals Inc.”
Yuvraj Singh – captain of the bench warming x1
Do we need to say more.
Boeta Dippenaar and Mohammed Kaif
Both remain an eternal mystery on all fronts... One, being, are they actually good enough at this level. Two, where they unlucky to be born at the wrong time and place. One can never know. The only positive is that both are incredibly boring when they bat, which is really cool for us and all the pensioners in the world.
Mark Ramprakash
100 first class centuries, a county cricket legend and a role model among the kids taking up the sport in England... A living testimonial of how overrated English county cricket is.
Russell Arnold
The fall guy, who averages over 40 and has rescued Sri Lanka countless number of times and yet invariably found himself on the benches. Had no choice but to buckle down to a fat lump of solidified flour through much of his career, usually as the by-runner.
The bowlers:
Andre Nel – Spearhead
The chances of this fiery bowler playing for South Africa again under the quota system would be when few of his white team-mates contract hepatitis-C.
Charles Langeveldt
Did a first among the benchwarmers and went straight into the hall of fame. An opportunity to play under the quota system arose for him and he chose to go into voluntary bench warming exile. The last news heard was him calling up Nel on the phone and singing the Def Leppard classic “I'll be two steps behind”.
Nathan Bracken
Australia's best fast bowler in all the shorter versions of the game. Somehow doesn't find favor for the longer version. Maybe it is those ugly hair bands that don't look cool in whites. Pray, cricket Australia did a smart move in not introducing two bowlers like Clarke and Bracken in the same match. Imagine the agonizing hara-kiri fans in the stadium will be committing watching these two boring bowlers in action.
Sajid Mahmood
Right arm fast and wayward. The twin brother of Ashish Nehra, separated at birth.... It is unmistakable... that nose.... All Nehra's have that nose. With the “Stick-up-to-the-Bum-pals Inc.”in full operation, he has no chance other than being the water boy. Not very sad but true.
Stuart Macgill
For over a decade, he was Shane Warne's groupie and trusted sidekick. When he did get promoted, it was too late... he had contracted hip dysplasia along with Shane Warne's Labrador. A really sad but true story here.
Murali Karthik
One like Russell Arnold... An Indian parallel. His best hope is if Middlesex and England adopts him.
Now that we are through with the players, we ought to go for the bench warming coaches. Hey! I know all coaches in the world do nothing but warm the benches. But these are special.
Dave Whatmore
Perhaps the only coach in world cricket today, who has incredible turnaround results in his kitty... Yet, he has no respect or stature as they say due to either what he was as a player or possibly what he showed to his team mates in the changing room. A really really sad but true case.
“Guru” Greg Chappell
Of course, none will associate Greg as a bench warmer... no way. But I say, he will soon be for the future. I doubt after his stint with the Indian team and especially his 'yet-another-failed-vision plan' for Australia in that Indian series, it will be a brave or homosexually desperate board that will employ him in the future.
Sadly, even among my bench warmers X1, there are 14 listed candidates, which means even among the bench warmers, there are candidates likely to be a bench warmer's bench warmer. That takes the cake and the baking soda.
Now who will be so cruel to do that. Not me!
