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Showing posts with label Zaheer Khan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zaheer Khan. Show all posts

Dravid, are you Delhi Daredevils or Cautious Caretakers?

by Gaurav Sethi

Before Delhi Daredevils became a heap of cricketing waste, before they lost to Kings XI Punjab in Mohali, they actually had a positive net run rate. For the bottom ranked team to have a positive NRR is an anomaly of sorts – it just doesn’t add up. Higher ranked teams had far more abysmal NRRs, but here was DD, in spite of the abyss it was inhabiting as usual, it continued to cling on to one positive, if you can call it that.
Before the DD-KXIP mismatch, DD’s NRR stood at +0.514. Rising Pune Supergiant, ranked fourth, had a NRR of -0.240, KXIP, Gujarat Lions, and RCB, ranked at five, six and seven, all had NRRs that were negative. The defeat to KXIP, set straight some of this irregularity. After eight matches with six defeats, DD slid into the negative.
Looking back, DD lost its first match to RCB by 15 runs – 19 year old, Rishabh Pant played a lone hand, 57(36). This was also the first of Karun Nair’s many failures with the bat. This was also the only match Carlos Brathwaite played in IPL 10. And one of the four games left arm spinner, Shahbaz Nadeem played – two against KXIP, one each against RCB and RPS.
DD went on to smash RPS by 97 runs, while Sanju Samson’s 102 (63) set it, Pant and Morris sealed it with blazing cameos - 31(22) and 38(9). This was one of those near perfect games, where pretty much everything went DD’s way.
Four days later, DD notched another score and beat KXIP by 51 runs. Two overseas’ players, opener Sam Billings and Corey Anderson at six set this win with the bat. After back-to-back wins, DD started its five match losing spree.
A peep into these defeats could also be a peep into mentor, Rahul Dravid and his thought-partner, Paddy Upton’s minds. In spite of the defeats, not much has changed – DD has stuck on, largely to what it considers the core of its batting – a top order packed with Indian batsmen with little or no international experience.
To overcompensate for this lack, the big hitters bat lower down in a cluster – the first aim for the DD batting is to hang in, and not lose the game too early, to not show its hand too soon, to let the game go as deep as it can. DD’s batting strategy is born out of a handicap acquired at the auctions – one that hopes to make a mark in IPL-14, when these Indian batsmen are far more influential on the international scene. Samson aside, none of the Indian top order batsmen has made much of a mark. By the time they’re done, invariably, the innings is in a stasis – there’s way too much for Pant and Morris to do.
What is quite perceptive is that DD’s brain trust has almost preempted their batting problems – they have also arrived at a solution, to let Samson, Tare, Nair, Iyer bat early, use the batting power play and set it up before the death overs. What this has often meant is that whatever early momentum Samson achieves in the power play overs is squandered in the next 10 overs or so.
New captain Karun Nair has a highest of 33, his other scores are 4(3), 0(3), 21(27), 5(15), 15(17), 11(10). Often he’s been scoring at less than run a ball, far more than often he’s looked clueless in the middle – of his seven dismissals so far, he has been clean bowled four times and LBW once. He has come in at one down six times, and opened once. The only time he did not bat, DD scored over 200 runs, winning their first match. The other occasion when he was dismissed for a duck, DD managed 188 and won their second match.
Yet in Zaheer Khan’s absence, he has been made captain ensuring he both plays and leads the team; that when he can barely put bat on ball and defend his stumps. It is unthinkable that Dravid-Upton cannot see the mess that Nair is in, to make him captain, and continue to play him is largely responsible for the 67 all out against KXIP. Whether it is born out of belief or stubbornness, or a complete lack of options, cannot defend this move.
That Zaheer Khan has bowled in six matches, and 1.1 overs in the seventh is nothing short of miraculous. Zaheer retired from international cricket in October 2015, and IPL-9 was to be his last season. However, after an extended break from cricket in 2016, Zaheer decided to make IPL-10 his last season. While Zaheer has been inspirational as a captain, and often held his own with the ball, for him to last the season was asking too much of him. Zaheer as captain, is no different from the many myopic moves made by DD, they are far more invested in a safety first approach than embracing the aggression of the format.
Picking Angelo Mathews as captain, still recovering from injury, was another such pointless move. So far he has played in two out of eight games – in his second knock, he was controversially sent in before DD’s biggest hitter, Chris Morris – that when DD was chasing 191. Morris did not face a ball in the innings, remained not out at 0. DD lost by 15 runs. The irony wasn’t lost on anyone. Mathews hasn’t played since that day.
There are other sub-plots too, like not playing the only overseas’ top order batsman, Sam Billings for two games, persevering with Corey Anderson, that too lower down the order, waiting for DD’s sixth game to play a top bowler such as Kagiso Rabada, not using Amit Mishra as an attacking option, often underbowling him – it doesn’t end, as you’d expect with a side sinking fast into the quicksand of defeats.
DD is being beaten, more off the field than on the field. With an attitude that is seeped so deep in caution, it appears they’re playing an altogether different format. While it is the 10th season, it does bring back memories of an RCB team put together when Dravid was their icon player – jokingly it was often referred to as the IPL Test XI, Dravid at the helm, there was also Wasim Jaffer, Jacques Kallis, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Misbah-ul-Haq, Anil Kumble, Zaheer Khan and Sunil Joshi in that side. That side lost 10, won 4.
It will take a lot for this bunch to win two more matches. During 67 all out, their lowest ever IPL score, DD had not just been beaten, they had been broken – their batting memories had been erased, they were petrified, aware that they were about to be stripped naked on Live television.  The batsmen saw it coming, by walking out to bat they made it real.
It wasn’t too different from their early slide to 24/6 or RCB’s own 49 all out. It’s an unforgiving tournament, and even the best in the business are feeling the heat. It may only get worse – and for both RCB and DD to find answers, they might need to look further afield, away from cricket. It’s up to Dravid, as much as it is to Kohli now, to find a way to inspire themselves, only then can they find a way to inspire their team.
For starters, maybe Delhi should try and play like Daredevils. There’s a big difference in going down with a fight as opposed to going down with a fright.

First published here

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Dravid’s Delhi Daredevils – from double Ds to triple Ds

by Gaurav Sethi

Can one man defy a DNA of cricketing chaos?
There's a joke in the IPL, it's repeated every season: Delhi Daredevils. It's not a team. It's a random collective of cricketers who come together to lose their sense of purpose. That's what a badly run franchise does to its stakeholders, be it the fans, the players, the coaches, the owners.
The owners? Who are these guys? What do they own? A building enterprise? With DD, they've deconstructed whatever they had in the first season, year after year, with meticulous lack of method but with an abundance of thoughtlessness. Players, coaches, whole teams have been picked and dropped, even India's great World Cup winning coach, Gary Kirsten couldn't do much, what could an U-19 guy do?
What if that U-19 guy was Rahul Dravid?
From the IPL auction table onwards, there was something different to DD this time. They had a computer printout on the table. This printout called the shots right through the auction. Who to chase? Who to buy? What's the limit? When to stop? When to go all out?
Going into the auctions, DD had a fat purse. It's easy to blow money badly when you have so much of it. In the previous auction, DD had gone all out for Yuvraj Singh. This season, they stayed clear of the big names. Rahul Dravid and Paddy Upton were yet to be signed on but their wish list appeared to be sitting on the table.
After Rajasthan Royals, Dravid and Upton were busy putting together yet another "moneyball" team. Who were these guys? Exactly. Why was Kurun Nair (base price Rs 10 lakh) going for Rs 4 crore? Another DD brainfade?
Nair is from Dravid's state, Karnataka, his batsmanship has been built on first class honours. He averages above 50. He shares his birthday with that other RR superstar, Ravindra Jadeja. Another December 6 born? Was Dravid looking at that too? What all does Dravid look at?
Against RCB, Nair added 134 runs with Quinton de Kock. He finished with a 54 not out. DD won their second match on the trot, chasing 191 down. DD doesn't chase down 191, what was happening?
Wasn't Pawan Negi Dhoni's boy at CSK? Why was DD gunning for him? That too against Dhoni's Pune? What had got into them? Rs 8.5 crore for an uncapped player? A lower order hitter and a part-time spinner at best? Rs 1.9 crore for U-19 wicketkeeper Rishabh Pant? Rs 7 crore for Chris Morris? Why wasn't DD going after famous international players? Why a faceless bunch?
And who's this guy called Carlos Brathwaite, why would you pay Rs 4.2 crore for a West Indian nobody has heard of? The IPL auctions were on February 6. By April 3, nobody had not heard of Carlos Brathwaite. And who he went to school with. On April 10, he hit his first ball in the IPL for a six. Into the Hooghly.
Quinton de Kock barely got a game last season. He's played all of DD's games this season. One fifty, one century, one not out, two wins. QdK is DD's biggest match winner with the bat. As an opener, and now a regular for SA in limited overs, he has ten ODI hundreds, half of them against India. Doubling up as a glovesman, he's a genuine all-rounder in the Gilchrist mode. He's also been the front for the franchise with the media, surely this is no coincidence?
In three matches, Amit Mishra is yet to bowl his full quota. Not even when he had 4/11 in three overs. Is there a science to that? Either way, it's still better than Mishra not being a regular in the team.
After the first match, Nathan Coulter-Nile hasn't played again. Last season's captain and top run scorer returned: Duminy is T20 T&T, just having him on the field ups the adrenaline. At some point he will bowl to left handers on the prowl. At some point, he could finish off a tight chase on a dodgy pitch.
Scores of 0, 3, 0, how long is the rope being handed to opener, Shreyas Iyer? He's a Mumbai kid, a FC average of 57, aT20 strike rate of 130, are they hoping his pedigree will finally pay off? What about Sanju Samson at three? When will he get unstuck? Will he rekindle some of that RR magic?
Zaheer Khan as captain, had he not retired? After dropping a dolly in the second over against Punjab, the only champions he resembled were in the Masters Champions League. After the drop, it took a cosy assist to Karun Nair at the boundary to get the ball to the keeper. A run out happened. DD won. Zaks dismissed Gayle off his third ball, he owned him for two balls before that. Never mind he went for over 50 off his four overs, Zaks already appears to be DD's most successful skipper in a long, long time.
It's too early in the season to know how far DD will go - usually not finishing at the bottom is an improvement for them. Having a settled playing XI is an improvement for them. Tinkering with the XI only if the conditions demand, is an improvement for them.
Already Dravid seems to have greyed a tad bit more, sitting in the DD dugout does that to you. Having Upton's thoughtfulness alongside will stem that greying somewhat. Having a plan, sticking to that plan no matter what, is not what DD does. That's what RD does. Who will win? DD or RD? Or both, together?
Can one man make the double Ds into the triple Ds - Dravid's Delhi Daredevils? Stay tuned.

First published here

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After Zaheer Khan's appointment as Delhi Daredevils' captain, it's now Ashish Nehra's turn to lead his IPL team.

by Gaurav Sethi

On the back of Zaheer Khan's appointment as Delhi Daredevils' captain, it has now been revealed that another IPL franchise is looking to a senior Indian medium pacer for leadership. Sunrisers Hyderabad (SRH) who purchased Ashish Nehra at the IPL auctions this year, have decided to make him their captain.

Ashish Nehra made a surprise return to the India squad for the Australia and Sri Lanka T20 series, and was subsequently picked for the Asia Cup and World T20. Before this, Nehra last played for India in the 2011 World Cup semi finals against Pakistan. He opened the bowling with Zaheer Khan in that match. Before his latest comeback, Nehra's last T20 for India was more than five years ago. Since his return in January this year, Nehra has already played 14 matches for India. (also the maximum matches one can play in the IPL group stages).  

SRH coach, Tom Moody, commented on Nehra's appointment, “We have been following his progress closely. He has been unbelievably consistent. In three out of the four matches in the World T20 he has very similar bowling figures – twice he has bowled his four overs for 20 runs and once his three overs for twenty runs. It's as if he was born to play Twenty20 cricket and go for just 20 runs”. A closer examination of Nehra's figures show that he has gone for less than 30 runs in nine out of his previous 14 matches.

Ashish Nehra has his own ideas when it comes to captaincy. Not a big fan of technology or social media, Nehra has gone on record to say, “I think smart phones are making people less smart. As I have said before, I still use my old Nokia phone. In our team dugout, I will expect the players to uninstall facebook, twitter and whatsapp. This way they will apply themselves on the games and not on the apps...I have just learnt that's what they call them”

In the current World T20, Nehra has been extremely vocal with his opinion, as was evident when he was seen speaking to MS Dhoni and Hardik Pandya before the decisive 20th over against Bangladesh. Whether or not his advice was heeded is still unknown but that has never stopped Nehra from giving his two cents. Turning 37 next month, the old workhorse might well be in the twilight of his career, but it's obvious he still has a few tricks up his short sleeves.

Zaheer Khan last played for India over two years ago. Previously, in IPL 7, he only played half of his franchise's 14 matches. Now in his 38th year, the old fox has been made Delhi Daredevils' captain, with the backing of former teammate, and DD mentor, Rahul Dravid.

For years, Zaheer was team India's bowling captain, setting fields for various captains and chatting with bowlers from his fielding position at mid off. Reacting to his appointment as captain, Zaheer believes that nothing will change - “I'll still be fielding at mid off and talking to the bowlers”.

In addition to Dravid, Zaheer will renew his association with India's former mental conditioning coach, Paddy Upton. Welcoming Upton’s appointment as DD’s head coach, Zaheer was honest in his assessment, “Some of the decisions DD have taken in the past...they have chopped and changed way too often...they have also exposed a mental fragility. Someone like Paddy (Upton) will help them overcome...”

Most experts are sceptical but cricketer turned commentator, Virender Sehwag, was bullish as usual: “Go Nehraji old is gold” and “ZAKS old is gold 2”. Shoaib Akhtar disagreed, “I have to disagree...my producers have told me too”. Sehwag had the last word, “Of course...you are not...agreeable guy”  

Thanks to my friend, Bhaskar Khaund, for inspiring this post.

(However plausible this may sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)

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Play It Again Sam : 2 - Benchion Not

by Bhaskar Khaund

A (fairly) new series on Player-Commentators

Play 2
Sometime in the future. Arun Lal, Harsha Bhogle and Zaheer Khan in the commentary box

HB : So Zaheer you reckon there's anything for the seamers here ?
No reply from Zaheer
Wicket falls

AL (excited) : Peach ! How good was that ! You must be impressed ,er, Zaheer ... ?
No reply from Zaheer. In fact ZAK has been quiet the entire time.
AL (uneasy little laugh) : Er Zaheer , I say , you haven't been , er , haha , injured , haha... ?

And ZAK nods !

AL(despairing): " Oh my goodness ,it's a mouth injury this time is it...(Agitated) but I..but I .can't understand it !"
HB ( bright , cheerful and pleasant self) : " Oh dear injured again but not to worry. Luckily for us we have a very talented reserve. Yes (smiles) step forward please won't you Manoj ?

Manoj Tiwari makes to move BUT..Suddenly ZAK starts speaking

ZAK : " Oh yes , definitely something in here for the bowlers ... "
HB (beaming) : " Ah Manoj , so we won't trouble you just yet now. But thanks so much, off you go to that bench of yours ,run along now ! Oh good lad ! "

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Six Point Plan For India

by achettup

The following is a six point plan India can use to win the first test:

  1. Show up for days 2 and 3
  2. (i) Learn 10 saffer swear words (ii) Make a point of saying one of them to each of Kevin Pietersen's batting partner (iii) Turn to KP and wink, and send an air text message. For e.g., if Alistair Cook is batting alongside Pietersen, say "Oh look, another stupid English captain with all his doos and don'ts", turn to KP and wink, and send him an air text message.
  3. Take the latest shiny Apple product, smash it smithereens, and sprinkle the shards all over the crumbling pitch. Then let ZaK walk up to the English and say "I hear you English are very fond of Apple crumble"
  4. Keep Harbhajan as far away from proceedings as possible.
  5. Zak should only bowl left-arm slow to KP. I meant left-arm slow orthodox. As in spin.
  6. See 1.

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The minutes of the first day: Zaheer Khan is bowling within Vinay Kumar.

by Gaurav Sethi

After two Jamesons, I turned in early at half past midnight. I refused to set an alarm. If it’s important enough, I will be the alarm. I have no stories to file, no deadlines to meet, I’m breaking into S&G there, feeling groovy.

That’s the way it was. I first woke at 3.32 am. By then I had dreamt deeply – vivid, weird cricket story. 

The Boxing Day test was being played in the Junior school lawns of St Columba’s. The pitch though, was more like a side practice pitch. India was batting, Gambhir played on, Sachin retired hurt 60, Sehwag was out, not out, it was confusing.

And then I woke up again, around 4.40 am by my watch which is ten minutes ahead. I wake to assemble myself, the laptop, tracks, woolens, a quick net search on the phone – Australia will bat, there will be cricket.

I retreat to an isolated TV that will not wake sleepers. The first hour is yet another warmup for India’s seamers, they are bowling so-as-not-to breakdown.

@BoredCricket tweets (from the night before 1st day)
Indian cricketer (overheard) saying - "The real test will be when we have to prove our match fitness in the morning"

Match day -
Zaks, Ishant prepare for a net to prove fitness

Zaheer Khan is bowling within Vinay Kumar

First we wake up early. Then this bowling. Time for a wake

 Someone tell the Indian bowlers that this bloke Ed Cowan is not right handed.

Vinay Kumar warming up in the nets for the 2nd test. Little does he know Mithun will play before him.

Haha cricket, Ponting. #EarlyBoredCall - Ponting makes runs today.

Oh look, this lean patch of Ponting's has made him lose hair - of-the-arms

Ponting has a new shot to fall back on - the one where you fall after the shot

Ed Cowan, Rahul Dravid conspire to take boxing day test into the 4th day

 Ishant Sharma is what you call a Thoughtless Man's Bowler

Australia go past 100. That sub 100 score will have to be the 2nd innings then

Ponting is on top of India's game.

Buy-a-wicket-time, Umesh Yadav

Things that make you go UMMMMESH Yadav

OK now till our next tour down under, this Yadav over to Ponting will be spoken of as that Ishant over was.

Zaks finds his voice. And a wicket

Point to be noted:  It takes Zaks 64 overs to warm up.

Aus 214/6. Bigger question, how did they let them get past 100

Dogged style departs. Well played Cowan.

Unrelated:
Good thing about Romesh Powar is, he doesn't rest on his Laurels. He rests on his Hardy's

On to some wine now, we’ll be @BoredCricket on twitter tomorrow, join us for #EarlyBoredCalls – got a few bang on today, including Ashwin dismissing Cowan and Ponting scoring runs. 

Today was Australia’s day, even though they don’t know it. India, be happy they had Hussey for free. Moral: Bowl good balls, APPEAL in all caps, and Erasmus will deliver. 

Where is this test going - nobody has a clue but Australia will bowl better first up than India did.

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Zaheer Khan has all the answers.

by Gaurav Sethi

Still fresh from his speech at the Bradman Oration, Rahul Dravid is asked to captain the Indians in the tour opener against the Chairman’s XI. Some of the youngsters are apprehensive, why play against a team that consists of Chairmen? They may run their big corporations, but what good could they be in a cricket match?

Dravid is amused, Duncan Fletcher is unmoved.

Dravid cites an example of the Board President’s XI, how Pratibha Patel or Abdul Kalam never played for the team – it’s just a name, like the Prime Ministers XI or the…at which point, the whole lotta them crack up, and the joke’s on Dravid.

Dravid though, stoic as ever, prepares to address his team, called the Indians. He stresses that under him, instead of huddles, each player will have the chance to make a speech – to signify the 37 minutes of his Bradman Oration, the duration should be no more than 37 seconds. He takes it upon himself to make the opening speech…

“To begin with, I’d like to thank you all for playing under me. I know it’s another useless tour opener, but we must do our best. I know Sehwag doesn’t think much of warm-up games, MSD refuses to play them, and Zaks isn’t playing because..

At which point, Coach calls time. The players are perturbed, why isn’t Zaks playing?

As the tour game plays out, more speeches are made. Ishant Sharma on bowling the third delivery of his 6th over, asks for the players to gather around him…

“I was feeling good, my rhythm was good for five overs, and I was really enjoying myself, hitting the bat hard, my lengths were good too, after I bowled the third ball of the fifth over, I felt something and remembered what The Zaheer Khan had said…”

At which point, Dravid calls time. Ishant throws the ball to Ojha who completes the over but not his sentence. The players are perturbed, what had The Zaheer Khan said?

As the second day gets underway, the Indians are 240/3, Sachin on 92, on his way to a well- deserved 100. It’s been a while too, he tells himself – this hundred could make that elusive 100th somewhat easier. Which is when Zaheer appears with  gloves, and a message for Sachin. Sachin starts to walk off, the scorecard reveals Sachin Tendulkar Retired Out 92

Sachin enters the dressing room. It’s time for a speech. Coach Fletcher starts his stop-watch.

Sachin – “ I was stroking the ball well, and enjoying myself in the middle, it was one of those days when my timing was good, both VVS and I had a good partnership, we were looking good for many more when Zaks came to me and said…

And then Coach Fletcher mumbles TIME. Sachin walks off. The players are perturbed, what did Zaks say to Sachin?

The players all look to Zaks, who also walks away. 

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India loses five one-dayers at Lord's.

by Gaurav Sethi

This test, India lost, day after day after day, all five days; if there was a rest day, they would have conceded that too.

Day 1, first ten overs, India opened the bowling with the weather. Just put the ball there, anywhere, the conditions will missile the ball to an outside edge.

The lines Zaheer bowled were Bhajjilike, wide. That the hamstring retired him after he knocked two over was a surprise. They should have credited those wickets to his aura.

In the early overs, Zaheer close-in, at short-midwicket, failed to touch his toes and missed an easy ball. Did Zaheer go through a fitness test before the game, could he touch his toes? Do they make you touch toes?

It appeared Zaheer's injury was the game. Much like a dementor, it sucked the joy out of the boys, at least the bowlers. Praveen Kumar, who opened the bowling, went on to be India’s stock and strike bowler – he bowled more than 40 overs to Bhajji’s 35.

India was three bowlers short in the first innings.

And then Raina (MS will tell you he can turn his arm), arrived to usher KP’s double hundred.

This was a friendly, and India had turned the other cheek.

In exchange, England was hostile. India’s second innings’ top order dismissals seemed innocuous, but they were a mere detail in the plot – the build-up, shake-up, even the reprieve each received, made the batting Gods more mortal.

Sure, the bowling was sharp, but more than that, the bowler's engaged, not quite an Aussie sledge, more an English taunt – “think you’re better than us?” You could almost eavesdrop on No. 1 banter.

On the last day, the only shot that reeked of an Indian defiance led to Bhajji’s dismissal.

So what lessons from Lord’s

1) Three bowlers don’t draw you matches

2) A less influential fully-fit fourth bowler gives you the added option of bowling your strike bowler after lunch on the 5th day (in case he isn’t too human or too tired)

3) If over-rates are a problem, play both Yuvraj and Raina

4) If the captain finds the 2nd new ball hard to handle (dismissed in 83.4 and 85.2 overs after 102 and 77 minutes, he could consider batting higher up, midway between the two new balls)

5) Bhajji will play, so how do you humour him – bad enough he sulks with the ball.

6) Gambhir close-in?

7) If you want Dravid to open and keep wickets, no use being discreet – ask Sourav what he said, still better, ask Sourav to say it again. Haven’t you heard it often enough, Rahul Dravid is a team man.

This would be ideal, the fairytale batting line up on paper – the Star cricket boys will read it out with aplomb - without having to stop and start at Abhinav Mukund.

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See Ishant copy Zaheer's Action

by Gaurav Sethi

click on cartoon

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Just who is Zaheer's replacement

by bored cricket crazy indians

Jaidev Unadkat
E.T.

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The Night Before the first InSaf test,

by Gaurav Sethi

Outside Zaks room, some of his mates sing a parody of the Complan tune

Chrous: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin boy…”

Zaks not amused, snaps at them

Zaks: Tumne pee rakhi hai kya?

Bhajji: Haaan!

Sreesanth: Complan!

They all sing again

Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl”

Zaks too is amused

Zaks: Haha groin ki toh #@%$* lug gayee. Chalo, let’s disturb Dravid

Bhajji: Areh, whoh toh pahele se hi disturbed hai…

Elsewhere, in Kirsten’s room, Dravid arrives with his books

Kirsten: Hi Rahul, that’s a lotta books

Dravid: Yeah, I got the history of Centurion here…and some stuff on cricket heritage of South Africa…the Cronje secret diaries…some stuff by Woolmer, take your pick

Furious knocking outside Kirsten’s door

Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl…”

Dravid: Oh, I’ve heard that…that’s from the 80s ad…for Complan

Kirsten: Serious, they said Groin boy??

Dravid (half smiles) Oh, that’s just some of the youngsters laughing at Zaheer…not the ideal preparation the night before a test but…as they say…to each his own…

The boisterous bunch is in Kirsten’s room, someone asks –

Voice: Garry sir, should we take him or his books??

Kirsten (smiles): Ok boys, let's call it a night. Big day tomorrow.

The players exit Kirsten's room. Dravid makes his way back to his room, at the end of the corridor, humming to himself...

Dravid: I'm a groin boy, I'm a groin girl...

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The Ponting - Zaheer saga, Part 1

by Ankit

in the Ponting - Zaheer Saga, what you think is not what they think. Here is the what and how:

two days before the Mohali test, at a 5 star hotel somewhere in Mohali


The Aussies are all in a room, drawing strategies to bring the downfall of India and to take home the Border-Gavaskar Meme. Everyone seems to be serious. Suddenly, Ponting takes off his earphones mumbling something to the tune of "who put Radiohead in my iPod?"

Then, convinced that everyone had stopped thinking and talking about the Indians, he proclaimed: "this is your  skipper speaking. North, look here! Your concentration levels are so low I would not be surprised if even if someone as bad as Zaheer Khan bowled you while you were shouldering arms. Ok, where was I. Yes, we play Ind... Dougy!!! stop that singing. No wait, as a punishment you have to sing it loud so that everyone can listen and make fun of you. On my count. 3....2...1...go..."

Bollinger, not at all ashamed, stuffs a $100 bill which he had been playing with into his pocket and starts singing:

I like IPL 'cos it is good 

I love IPL because I should
if there was a song to sing
I sing it and IPL you bring
I think IPL when I am sad
''cause the IPL it makes me glad
now there's nothing left to say
so lets go get auctioned...

to this tune.

Ponting gets more upset and starts spitting on his palm. "See, this is what becomes of people who just care about money. Look at Pup, look at me. We have the power of restraint, a willingness to just represent our beloved nation." Pup smiles in servitude. Ponting continues, "Don't all of you think that we should not sell ourselves like Bollinger has?"


Everyone else, apart from Pup, responds in chorus:


IPL is good 
IPL is good 
IPL is good
... and Stuff 

IPL is good 
IPL is good 
IPL is good 
let's go think some IPL



to be continued...



find ankit here

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Why do I watch cricket

by Gaurav Sethi

Why do I watch cricket
Not for Ijaz Butt and his shenanigans
Why do I watch cricket
Not for happy hour with the boys at Bennigan’s
I don’t wanna keel over, on the side
With some mongrels arguing about the sanctity of their side
But it’ll do, too, if that’s all there is, it’ll do

Why do I watch cricket
For that precise moment when I know
I’m about to call it right
And Ishant Sharma won’t be able to resist
To follow a good one
With some overpitched scum
That will be driven right down
By Shane Watson for four runs

Why do I watch cricket
For the last ball of the day
By an old hand rookie called Amit Mishra
That knocks Michael Clarke
One of his five
For that precise moment when I know
I’m about to call it right
On his debut, that this kid will be history soon

Why do I watch cricket
When I don’t wanna spend money on a ticket
You got a free pass
I’ve got 8 sports channels with everything on
With cricket to football
From Berlin to Bonn

Why do I watch cricket
To walk through an empty Mohali
With a fourth day hangover
To see Zaheer - Khan through them
On the fifth

Why do we watch cricket?
We all saw something
And we think we’ll see it again

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What is a Show Cause Notice?

by Gaurav Sethi

Nehra, Zaks, Yuvi, Raina, Jadeja, Nohit, Chawla, Vijay, all the pub brawl suspects are lounging together, they’re together to discuss the show cause notice, but nobody is saying anything.

They continue to acknowledge each other

Jadeja: Hi guys

Nohit: Hi Ajay, I mean Ravin…

They all laugh, spontaneously

Speech blurb appears over Jadeja to express his thoughts:

Speech Blurb: I’m going to change my team, then they’ll see what’s funny…

Chawla: Hi Zaks, Yuvi

Zaks:
Hi Piyu

Vijay: Hi guys, good to see you guys again

Yuvi: Areh stop beating the bush guys, why are we here…let’s talk about that

Nohit: Notice kya tha..?

Raina: Show…

Chawla: Cause bhi tha…

Yuvi: yeah, yeah, that only bloody Notice Show Cause…

Raina: Haha not Notice Show Cause…it’s Cause Show Notice

Vijay: Drop it guys, it’s called a Show Notice Cause

Zaks: No, no, no…none of the above…

Chawla: Then what?

Zaks: Aaaah the envelope says…someone has torn the envelope…it just says Show…

Yuvi: Hahha! Then we will go and Show! Here boss, See what you wanna see!!

The cricketers all join in, in a lewd act, indicative of what they will show..

Nehra: SHUT UP! You #@^^%% salaah, they will send us another Show…Zaks tweet to Sachin and ask him, he will know…

Yuvi: Idiot! If you tweet all can see, send him sms…

Instead Zaks speed dials Sachin…

Nohit: Wow, you have his number…

Zaks: Hi buddy, sorry to disturb you, I was with the boys, and there’s a Show
Problem…Some Cause problem…and some Notice problem…kya hai bole toh???

Sachin on speaker phone…

Sachin: I-LA! That is Show Cause Notice…it’s all over the news, have you guys received it…relax, I will not make any comment on it…wishing you and the boys best of luck…

Everybody stands at attention and sings in Chorus:

Everybody: Thank You Sachin!

Sachin squeaks back:

Sachin: These things happen…I'm sure you will bounce back, take care...

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India's big budget T20 cast:

by Gaurav Sethi

GG: What am I doing here, my place is back home in Delhi with my loved ones.

M Vijay: What am I doing here, my place is back home in Chennai with my loved league.

Raina: I can’t win every game when you all are hell bent on losing every game.

Nohit Sharma: I’m telling you I NO HIT the ball – it was my arm

Yuvraj Singh: I’m sulking. Why am I not Kings XI India captain? Areh, I didn’t know Windies had a spinner – who’s this Benn Ch*d??

MSD: Yes, of course…you cannot plan for everything…if we win the toss against Sri Lanka, I will field first just to show you what a cocky guy I am…and yes of course we will field the same team too…I’d like to..to show what a cocky guy I am…but there are a few passengers on this tour…

Yusuf Pathan: I’m giving you 4 overs, and you can’t even give me Warne as coach. Thank you for batting me down the order, my gifts are well hidden there.

Bhajji: I want to bat up the order, bowl up the order, field up the order but not at silly point!

Jadeja: I’m sorry for being me. Soon I will vanish.

Nehra:
I sound like an arrogant sob but that’s what works in a team where appearances are everything..and don’t get me started on Mishra…

Zaks: I’m pricey of course I’ll be costly.

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caption time: zaheer is boasting about...?

by straight point


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Hello, was that you Bhajji?

by Gaurav Sethi

There was something about Bhajji today; from the moment he greeted Jatman’s hundred with a slavelike bow, you could tell he was determined to put in a special performance.

This of course was aided by not bowling in the power play overs; that’s for kids like Jadeja. Bhajji ages like wine, and the uncorking must not be rushed.

Bhajji came on to bowl after every bowler had been smashed. By then he believed in his legend, that he will save this cricketing race from decline.

He knocked Dilshan and Sanath over, though closer examination will tell you they knocked themselves – but Bhajji had it all today, for he doesn’t like it easy. When the wicket helps spin he doesn’t help himself. Today as he saw lesser mortals like Zaks and Nehra fall around him, he decided – I will bowl slow; a ball at 80 kmph. They will not expect this.

And when they try to play it off their pads, I will sneak one on the off stump. Ha! That will have them in a quandary. How do you think I knocked Dilshan’s off stump?

Also, let it be known I was the only bowler who went at less than 6 runs per over. Bhajji being a creature of habit likes to go at 5.80 runs per over; irrespective of the conditions, and today was no different. Who cares if the other guys go at 10 and 12 r.p.o., I’m good with my 5.80 r.p.o.

Of course Bhajji was the man of the match. But the modest man that he is, he requested the commentators to honour a lesser player. Well done Bhajji, you played so well, even we didn’t recognise you.

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Wag away, we're No. 1

by bored cricket crazy indians

One is thinking of McDowell’s No. 1 whiskey and their advertising. Pin stripes wag fingers to toast their success; the jingle, “Mera number one” repeats itself.

One believes India’s ascent to No. 1 is a perfect foil for McDowell’s - Bhajji, Sachin and Zaks have already done time in their Mumbai Indians’ jerseys for Zandu pain relief balm. Together they heal the nation’s pain in the ad. One is also convinced an audience with Bhajji should be accompanied with Zandu pain relief balm.

Seeing how they gel, imagine the trio wagging their fingers, and who knows, their WAGs too, in a McDowell’s No. 1 ad – a great tribute to India’s No. 1 position. It has a strong brand fit, think one could pitch this to McDowell’s.

Another possible collaboration could be a U2 remix of their song, One. One can speak to Bono and request him to rewrite the song, making it Number One.

"One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it"


The catchword 'One' is repeated a few hundred times – throw in a montage of players wagging their fingers; think one can make McDowell’s the sponsors.

So far one can think of these ideas, any more would be more than welcome.

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We Are No. 2. We Fry Harder.

by Bhaskar Khaund

Ind-SL 2009-10: Test 1 : Day 3 : Session 3

SL are 138 runs ahead with 5 wickets in hand.

Personally i dont care. We're still the No. 2 team in the world.

Look , we are playing abroad. We lost the toss and had to bat on an underprepared mine field. We're playing without our top bowler ZAK who's out due to injuries. What's more , the top four batsmen were all given bad decisions when the score was under 50 . Our top bat SRT was not given another chance after getting out , despite this being his 21st year in international cricket.

So this score is not indicative of our true position.

I tell you we're still the No. 2 team in the world and by far better than all other teams in the world.

Except the No. 1 team of course

And cest moi - that's me.

Why ?

Well , why not.

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Short of length Ashish Nehra.

by Gaurav Sethi

Nehra has been around, not just with his celebratory glides, but before the North zoned in. He’s always been there, before Jatman, before Yuvi, before Bhajji, before you were born. And he knows it, and he says it, and he will continue to say it.

He is the master. Even old man Srinath laughs about Asheesh’s gyaan. Asheesh is all about gyaan.

When he bowled in another age, he was India’s only bowler to land it on the same spot, ball after ball, that sweet short of length. Zaheer was too full those days, and not half the bowler he is now.

Years later, India’s pace attack runs on Zaheer, elsewhere Nehra stumbles into the Delhi Daredevils. That clicks, West Indies ODIs happen, Compaq Cup happens, Nehra happens.

It’s tough to tell how long Nehra will last. If his bony, Bruce Reidlike frame isn’t very encouraging then neither is his fitness record.

But grant Nehra this much: Indian sans Zaheer was all about who will lead the pack? Pat came the reply, I will!

Nehra won’t have it any other way. Short of length bowler but never short of words.


If you enjoy Short of Length

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