Dravid, are you Delhi Daredevils or Cautious Caretakers?
Dravid’s Delhi Daredevils – from double Ds to triple Ds
First published here
After Zaheer Khan's appointment as Delhi Daredevils' captain, it's now Ashish Nehra's turn to lead his IPL team.
In the current World T20, Nehra has been extremely vocal with his opinion, as was evident when he was seen speaking to MS Dhoni and Hardik Pandya before the decisive 20th over against Bangladesh. Whether or not his advice was heeded is still unknown but that has never stopped Nehra from giving his two cents. Turning 37 next month, the old workhorse might well be in the twilight of his career, but it's obvious he still has a few tricks up his short sleeves.
Zaheer Khan last played for India over two years ago. Previously, in IPL 7, he only played half of his franchise's 14 matches. Now in his 38th year, the old fox has been made Delhi Daredevils' captain, with the backing of former teammate, and DD mentor, Rahul Dravid.
Play It Again Sam : 2 - Benchion Not
A (fairly) new series on Player-Commentators
Play 2
Sometime in the future. Arun Lal, Harsha Bhogle and Zaheer Khan in the commentary box
HB : So Zaheer you reckon there's anything for the seamers here ?
No reply from Zaheer
Wicket falls
AL (excited) : Peach ! How good was that ! You must be impressed ,er, Zaheer ... ?
No reply from Zaheer. In fact ZAK has been quiet the entire time.
AL (uneasy little laugh) : Er Zaheer , I say , you haven't been , er , haha , injured , haha... ?
And ZAK nods !
AL(despairing): " Oh my goodness ,it's a mouth injury this time is it...(Agitated) but I..but I .can't understand it !"
HB ( bright , cheerful and pleasant self) : " Oh dear injured again but not to worry. Luckily for us we have a very talented reserve. Yes (smiles) step forward please won't you Manoj ?
Manoj Tiwari makes to move BUT..Suddenly ZAK starts speaking
ZAK : " Oh yes , definitely something in here for the bowlers ... "
HB (beaming) : " Ah Manoj , so we won't trouble you just yet now. But thanks so much, off you go to that bench of yours ,run along now ! Oh good lad ! "
Six Point Plan For India
- Show up for days 2 and 3
- (i) Learn 10 saffer swear words (ii) Make a point of saying one of them to each of Kevin Pietersen's batting partner (iii) Turn to KP and wink, and send an air text message. For e.g., if Alistair Cook is batting alongside Pietersen, say "Oh look, another stupid English captain with all his doos and don'ts", turn to KP and wink, and send him an air text message.
- Take the latest shiny Apple product, smash it smithereens, and sprinkle the shards all over the crumbling pitch. Then let ZaK walk up to the English and say "I hear you English are very fond of Apple crumble"
- Keep Harbhajan as far away from proceedings as possible.
- Zak should only bowl left-arm slow to KP. I meant left-arm slow orthodox. As in spin.
- See 1.
The minutes of the first day: Zaheer Khan is bowling within Vinay Kumar.
Zaheer Khan has all the answers.
The players all look to Zaks, who also walks away.
India loses five one-dayers at Lord's.
Day 1, first ten overs, India opened the bowling with the weather. Just put the ball there, anywhere, the conditions will missile the ball to an outside edge.
The lines Zaheer bowled were Bhajjilike, wide. That the hamstring retired him after he knocked two over was a surprise. They should have credited those wickets to his aura.
In the early overs, Zaheer close-in, at short-midwicket, failed to touch his toes and missed an easy ball. Did Zaheer go through a fitness test before the game, could he touch his toes? Do they make you touch toes?
It appeared Zaheer's injury was the game. Much like a dementor, it sucked the joy out of the boys, at least the bowlers. Praveen Kumar, who opened the bowling, went on to be India’s stock and strike bowler – he bowled more than 40 overs to Bhajji’s 35.
India was three bowlers short in the first innings.
And then Raina (MS will tell you he can turn his arm), arrived to usher KP’s double hundred.
This was a friendly, and India had turned the other cheek.
In exchange, England was hostile. India’s second innings’ top order dismissals seemed innocuous, but they were a mere detail in the plot – the build-up, shake-up, even the reprieve each received, made the batting Gods more mortal.
Sure, the bowling was sharp, but more than that, the bowler's engaged, not quite an Aussie sledge, more an English taunt – “think you’re better than us?” You could almost eavesdrop on No. 1 banter.
On the last day, the only shot that reeked of an Indian defiance led to Bhajji’s dismissal.
So what lessons from Lord’s
1) Three bowlers don’t draw you matches
2) A less influential fully-fit fourth bowler gives you the added option of bowling your strike bowler after lunch on the 5th day (in case he isn’t too human or too tired)
3) If over-rates are a problem, play both Yuvraj and Raina
4) If the captain finds the 2nd new ball hard to handle (dismissed in 83.4 and 85.2 overs after 102 and 77 minutes, he could consider batting higher up, midway between the two new balls)
5) Bhajji will play, so how do you humour him – bad enough he sulks with the ball.
6) Gambhir close-in?
7) If you want Dravid to open and keep wickets, no use being discreet – ask Sourav what he said, still better, ask Sourav to say it again. Haven’t you heard it often enough, Rahul Dravid is a team man.
This would be ideal, the fairytale batting line up on paper – the Star cricket boys will read it out with aplomb - without having to stop and start at Abhinav Mukund.
See Ishant copy Zaheer's Action
Just who is Zaheer's replacement
The Night Before the first InSaf test,
Outside Zaks room, some of his mates sing a parody of the Complan tune
Chrous: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin boy…”
Zaks not amused, snaps at them
Zaks: Tumne pee rakhi hai kya?
Bhajji: Haaan!
Sreesanth: Complan!
They all sing again
Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl”
Zaks too is amused
Zaks: Haha groin ki toh #@%$* lug gayee. Chalo, let’s disturb Dravid
Bhajji: Areh, whoh toh pahele se hi disturbed hai…
Elsewhere, in Kirsten’s room, Dravid arrives with his books
Kirsten: Hi Rahul, that’s a lotta books
Dravid: Yeah, I got the history of Centurion here…and some stuff on cricket heritage of South Africa…the Cronje secret diaries…some stuff by Woolmer, take your pick
Furious knocking outside Kirsten’s door
Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl…”
Dravid: Oh, I’ve heard that…that’s from the 80s ad…for Complan
Kirsten: Serious, they said Groin boy??
Dravid (half smiles) Oh, that’s just some of the youngsters laughing at Zaheer…not the ideal preparation the night before a test but…as they say…to each his own…
The boisterous bunch is in Kirsten’s room, someone asks –
Voice: Garry sir, should we take him or his books??
Kirsten (smiles): Ok boys, let's call it a night. Big day tomorrow.
The players exit Kirsten's room. Dravid makes his way back to his room, at the end of the corridor, humming to himself...
Dravid: I'm a groin boy, I'm a groin girl...
The Ponting - Zaheer saga, Part 1
in the Ponting - Zaheer Saga, what you think is not what they think. Here is the what and how:
two days before the Mohali test, at a 5 star hotel somewhere in Mohali
The Aussies are all in a room, drawing strategies to bring the downfall of India and to take home the Border-Gavaskar Meme. Everyone seems to be serious. Suddenly, Ponting takes off his earphones mumbling something to the tune of "who put Radiohead in my iPod?"
Then, convinced that everyone had stopped thinking and talking about the Indians, he proclaimed: "this is your skipper speaking. North, look here! Your concentration levels are so low I would not be surprised if even if someone as bad as Zaheer Khan bowled you while you were shouldering arms. Ok, where was I. Yes, we play Ind... Dougy!!! stop that singing. No wait, as a punishment you have to sing it loud so that everyone can listen and make fun of you. On my count. 3....2...1...go..."
Bollinger, not at all ashamed, stuffs a $100 bill which he had been playing with into his pocket and starts singing:
I like IPL 'cos it is good
I love IPL because I should
if there was a song to sing
I sing it and IPL you bring
I think IPL when I am sad
''cause the IPL it makes me glad
now there's nothing left to say
so lets go get auctioned...
to this tune.
Ponting gets more upset and starts spitting on his palm. "See, this is what becomes of people who just care about money. Look at Pup, look at me. We have the power of restraint, a willingness to just represent our beloved nation." Pup smiles in servitude. Ponting continues, "Don't all of you think that we should not sell ourselves like Bollinger has?"
Everyone else, apart from Pup, responds in chorus:
IPL is good
IPL is good
IPL is good
... and Stuff
IPL is good
IPL is good
IPL is good
let's go think some IPL
to be continued...
find ankit here
Why do I watch cricket
Why do I watch cricket
Not for Ijaz Butt and his shenanigans
Why do I watch cricket
Not for happy hour with the boys at Bennigan’s
I don’t wanna keel over, on the side
With some mongrels arguing about the sanctity of their side
But it’ll do, too, if that’s all there is, it’ll do
Why do I watch cricket
For that precise moment when I know
I’m about to call it right
And Ishant Sharma won’t be able to resist
To follow a good one
With some overpitched scum
That will be driven right down
By Shane Watson for four runs
Why do I watch cricket
For the last ball of the day
By an old hand rookie called Amit Mishra
That knocks Michael Clarke
One of his five
For that precise moment when I know
I’m about to call it right
On his debut, that this kid will be history soon
Why do I watch cricket
When I don’t wanna spend money on a ticket
You got a free pass
I’ve got 8 sports channels with everything on
With cricket to football
From Berlin to Bonn
Why do I watch cricket
To walk through an empty Mohali
With a fourth day hangover
To see Zaheer - Khan through them
On the fifth
Why do we watch cricket?
We all saw something
And we think we’ll see it again
What is a Show Cause Notice?
Nehra, Zaks, Yuvi, Raina, Jadeja, Nohit, Chawla, Vijay, all the pub brawl suspects are lounging together, they’re together to discuss the show cause notice, but nobody is saying anything.
They continue to acknowledge each other
Jadeja: Hi guys
Nohit: Hi Ajay, I mean Ravin…
They all laugh, spontaneously
Speech blurb appears over Jadeja to express his thoughts:
Speech Blurb: I’m going to change my team, then they’ll see what’s funny…
Chawla: Hi Zaks, Yuvi
Zaks: Hi Piyu
Vijay: Hi guys, good to see you guys again
Yuvi: Areh stop beating the bush guys, why are we here…let’s talk about that
Nohit: Notice kya tha..?
Raina: Show…
Chawla: Cause bhi tha…
Yuvi: yeah, yeah, that only bloody Notice Show Cause…
Raina: Haha not Notice Show Cause…it’s Cause Show Notice
Vijay: Drop it guys, it’s called a Show Notice Cause
Zaks: No, no, no…none of the above…
Chawla: Then what?
Zaks: Aaaah the envelope says…someone has torn the envelope…it just says Show…
Yuvi: Hahha! Then we will go and Show! Here boss, See what you wanna see!!
The cricketers all join in, in a lewd act, indicative of what they will show..
Nehra: SHUT UP! You #@^^%% salaah, they will send us another Show…Zaks tweet to Sachin and ask him, he will know…
Yuvi: Idiot! If you tweet all can see, send him sms…
Instead Zaks speed dials Sachin…
Nohit: Wow, you have his number…
Zaks: Hi buddy, sorry to disturb you, I was with the boys, and there’s a Show
Problem…Some Cause problem…and some Notice problem…kya hai bole toh???
Sachin on speaker phone…
Sachin: I-LA! That is Show Cause Notice…it’s all over the news, have you guys received it…relax, I will not make any comment on it…wishing you and the boys best of luck…
Everybody stands at attention and sings in Chorus:
Everybody: Thank You Sachin!
Sachin squeaks back:
Sachin: These things happen…I'm sure you will bounce back, take care...
India's big budget T20 cast:
GG: What am I doing here, my place is back home in Delhi with my loved ones.
M Vijay: What am I doing here, my place is back home in Chennai with my loved league.
Raina: I can’t win every game when you all are hell bent on losing every game.
Nohit Sharma: I’m telling you I NO HIT the ball – it was my arm
Yuvraj Singh: I’m sulking. Why am I not Kings XI India captain? Areh, I didn’t know Windies had a spinner – who’s this Benn Ch*d??
MSD: Yes, of course…you cannot plan for everything…if we win the toss against Sri Lanka, I will field first just to show you what a cocky guy I am…and yes of course we will field the same team too…I’d like to..to show what a cocky guy I am…but there are a few passengers on this tour…
Yusuf Pathan: I’m giving you 4 overs, and you can’t even give me Warne as coach. Thank you for batting me down the order, my gifts are well hidden there.
Bhajji: I want to bat up the order, bowl up the order, field up the order but not at silly point!
Jadeja: I’m sorry for being me. Soon I will vanish.
Nehra: I sound like an arrogant sob but that’s what works in a team where appearances are everything..and don’t get me started on Mishra…
Zaks: I’m pricey of course I’ll be costly.
Hello, was that you Bhajji?
There was something about Bhajji today; from the moment he greeted Jatman’s hundred with a slavelike bow, you could tell he was determined to put in a special performance.
This of course was aided by not bowling in the power play overs; that’s for kids like Jadeja. Bhajji ages like wine, and the uncorking must not be rushed.
Bhajji came on to bowl after every bowler had been smashed. By then he believed in his legend, that he will save this cricketing race from decline.
He knocked Dilshan and Sanath over, though closer examination will tell you they knocked themselves – but Bhajji had it all today, for he doesn’t like it easy. When the wicket helps spin he doesn’t help himself. Today as he saw lesser mortals like Zaks and Nehra fall around him, he decided – I will bowl slow; a ball at 80 kmph. They will not expect this.
And when they try to play it off their pads, I will sneak one on the off stump. Ha! That will have them in a quandary. How do you think I knocked Dilshan’s off stump?
Also, let it be known I was the only bowler who went at less than 6 runs per over. Bhajji being a creature of habit likes to go at 5.80 runs per over; irrespective of the conditions, and today was no different. Who cares if the other guys go at 10 and 12 r.p.o., I’m good with my 5.80 r.p.o.
Of course Bhajji was the man of the match. But the modest man that he is, he requested the commentators to honour a lesser player. Well done Bhajji, you played so well, even we didn’t recognise you.
Wag away, we're No. 1
One is thinking of McDowell’s No. 1 whiskey and their advertising. Pin stripes wag fingers to toast their success; the jingle, “Mera number one” repeats itself.
One believes India’s ascent to No. 1 is a perfect foil for McDowell’s - Bhajji, Sachin and Zaks have already done time in their Mumbai Indians’ jerseys for Zandu pain relief balm. Together they heal the nation’s pain in the ad. One is also convinced an audience with Bhajji should be accompanied with Zandu pain relief balm.
Seeing how they gel, imagine the trio wagging their fingers, and who knows, their WAGs too, in a McDowell’s No. 1 ad – a great tribute to India’s No. 1 position. It has a strong brand fit, think one could pitch this to McDowell’s.
Another possible collaboration could be a U2 remix of their song, One. One can speak to Bono and request him to rewrite the song, making it Number One.
"One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it"
The catchword 'One' is repeated a few hundred times – throw in a montage of players wagging their fingers; think one can make McDowell’s the sponsors.
So far one can think of these ideas, any more would be more than welcome.
We Are No. 2. We Fry Harder.
Ind-SL 2009-10: Test 1 : Day 3 : Session 3
SL are 138 runs ahead with 5 wickets in hand.
Personally i dont care. We're still the No. 2 team in the world.
Look , we are playing abroad. We lost the toss and had to bat on an underprepared mine field. We're playing without our top bowler ZAK who's out due to injuries. What's more , the top four batsmen were all given bad decisions when the score was under 50 . Our top bat SRT was not given another chance after getting out , despite this being his 21st year in international cricket.
So this score is not indicative of our true position.
I tell you we're still the No. 2 team in the world and by far better than all other teams in the world.
Except the No. 1 team of course
And cest moi - that's me.
Why ?
Well , why not.
Short of length Ashish Nehra.
Nehra has been around, not just with his celebratory glides, but before the North zoned in. He’s always been there, before Jatman, before Yuvi, before Bhajji, before you were born. And he knows it, and he says it, and he will continue to say it.
He is the master. Even old man Srinath laughs about Asheesh’s gyaan. Asheesh is all about gyaan.
When he bowled in another age, he was India’s only bowler to land it on the same spot, ball after ball, that sweet short of length. Zaheer was too full those days, and not half the bowler he is now.
Years later, India’s pace attack runs on Zaheer, elsewhere Nehra stumbles into the Delhi Daredevils. That clicks, West Indies ODIs happen, Compaq Cup happens, Nehra happens.
It’s tough to tell how long Nehra will last. If his bony, Bruce Reidlike frame isn’t very encouraging then neither is his fitness record.
But grant Nehra this much: Indian sans Zaheer was all about who will lead the pack? Pat came the reply, I will!
Nehra won’t have it any other way. Short of length bowler but never short of words.
If you enjoy Short of Length
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