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Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
What makes Virat Kohli go on and on
Let's go beyond his legendary fitness and practice regime
What would appear to be yet another excited comment by Kevin Pietersen, said so much about Virat Kohli, the man, and what drives him. KP spoke of how the crowds had been away for the last few IPL seasons, that now that they had returned and were pushing Kohli to greater heights.
There is more than meets the eye to this comment. Perhaps KP knows Kohli better than most but he was on to something more.
It’s no secret that Kohli is a showman as much as a cricketer. Few know, that even when he’s been doing the hard yards in the gym, there has been an intense pre-gym prep. This entails a proper lighting and film crew set-up. This was even more vital during the pandemic, when it was crucial for the cricketer to reach his millions of fans on social media.
That Kohli’s wife, Anushka is in films, gave the productions a professional edge. While Kohli pumped away in the gym for hours, the film crew cut these films for hours. These were shared with a handpicked film jury, and only the best made it to Kohli’s Instagram page. This was to echo an oft-use Kohli phrase, “My fans deserve the best.”
In spite of Kohli’s back-to-back twin hundreds, and the thousands of elated fans, RCB failed to make the playoffs. Yet the highpoint when Kohli reached his century against SRH, was the collective-submissive ‘We’re not worthy’ bows by his front-row teammates in the dugout. It is learnt that half the RCB player selections in auctions are done keeping in mind how submissive the players are. As of course, how deeply touched they are by the Kohli aura.
Kohli does favour players with a sense of humour: that they can laugh uncontrollably at his crude desi jokes is huge positive. If they can add to the laughs, they’re all-in.
It’s an open secret that through all these years, Kohli is the only Indian player at RCB to have scored over 1000 runs – 7K +. Kohli tends to get along beautifully with overseas’ superstars – the bromance with AB de Villiers continues long after the player left the franchise. Kohli’s affinity to the South African led to RCB going after Faf du Plessis. It helped that both AB and Faf were 1984 born, in Pretoria, married in 2013 with a middle name starting with D.
Kohli is picky numerically and can be quite superstitious too. In fact, he’s often referred to as Virat da Kohli, the Indian-Saffer. As an RCB insider, Mr. Nags dished out a nursery rhyme to toast AB, Faf and Virat, the chorus is, “de, du, da, we are RCB via South Africa, haha”
Even though Glenn Maxwell is not South African or 1984 born, he’s born in the same year as Kohli – 1988. That he is married to a woman of Indian origin makes him even more agreeable. Those critical of Maxwell say he chokes in the big games, so he’s very much South African too.
As for the RCB support staff, they have to be adept at throw-downs any time of the day. While Kohli’s fitness and practice regime is a thing of legend, few know that there are times he can wake up in the middle of the night, sleepwalk to the nets and expect to sleep-bat. Kohli’s intensity does not waver when he’s batting in his sleep. An insider commented, “Virat eats and sleeps cricket, there is not a moment he is not switched on” As the chef at a hotel added, “We have been instructed to bake his bread in the shape of cricket bats. Once we perfected the mould, it was a cakewalk”.
Another favourite for Kohli in his free-time is watching Dracula, Twilight and Vampire movies. Those in the know say, “for Kohli anything with ‘bats’ is sacrosanct. I’ve heard, when he enjoyed a drink, it was always a Bacardi, but those days are long gone. Even though he’s a vegan, he’s a huge Meat Loaf fan and loves all the Bat out of hell albums.
This writer caught Virat humming, “I’d do anything for love but I won’t do that.” Remains to be seen whether ‘that’ is an IPL or ICC trophy.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published at cricket.com
Dhoni after CSK.
A triple-role with Delhi Capitals? Or a coaching stint at 'Ranchi Sunrisers'?
Every season, the one question that does the rounds is: is this his last season? Last year, MS Dhoni gave every indication that he wanted to play at his CSK home ground, Chepauk, and then take a call on his IPL career.
Dhoni’s call has been answered by every stadium in India. Every stadium has been a sea of yellow. A CSK fortress. No matter where, it's been Mahi’s home ground. The high point of every CSK match has been when MSD's come out to bat. Ad breaks ceased. Both Star and Jio have been largely aligned on this.
It may have been for just a few deliveries, towards the end of every CSK innings but MSD has come out swinging each time – striking at nearly 200, Dhoni’s daredevilry with the bat has left all gasping for more. After 12 matches, even though MSD has faced a mere 50 deliveries, he has scored 98 runs, with 10 sixes. Dhoni out in the middle has been an event.
It hasn't been uncommon for even those not watching the match, to turn it on. It hasn't been uncommon for those who were turned on elsewhere, to turn to the match. It's been the Dhoni factor. Mobiles switched on, TVs tuned into, viewership peaking. Everyone have sensed, this season is all about Dhoni’s withdrawal.
The eternal question has been, what will CSK be after Dhoni stops playing? Everyone expected that he would remain with the franchise in some capacity, most probably as a mentor, much like Tendulkar is with Mumbai Indians.
Apparently it could be quite to the contrary. It has been learnt that Dhoni hopes to take on something more challenging – a leadership role at a hopeless franchise, either Delhi Capitals or Sunrisers Hyderabad. Both teams are languishing at the bottom, with a handful of games remaining. Dhoni wishes to see, by the end of the season, which of the two teams is more useless.
In their two matches against each other, DC and SRH have won one match a piece. The margin of defeat has been similar, 7 and 9 runs. Both teams chasing had 4 wickets in the bank, played their overs out, and tested the patience of their handful of fans.
Asked if this is true, Dhoni remained non-committal but did say, “Even useless teams have some use. I remember when I was at the Pune franchise (Rising Pune Supergiants), I did feel they had some use – when I returned to CSK, it was with new vigour. I’m not saying I will be taking on a leadership role with either of the teams but I’m not ruling it out either. One must keep looking at fresh challenges.
"Sometimes I feel that we at CSK, with Flem as coach and me there too, are a well-oiled machine. We need to challenge ourselves. That’s why, if you remember, we made Jadeja the captain in between. The rest, y’kno, everyone saw. Some will remember the issues with Raina too, what seemed like a non-issue but really, it’s how you decide to look at matters and take them in your own hands”
The Delhi management said they’d love to have Dhoni in any role: “Ideally we’d like to have him captain, coach and mentor our team as we are missing persons in all three roles. It has been a painful experience for us and we are looking to rename the franchise again. We also are looking at Dhoni to suggest a new name or if he’s fine with us using his name, something like Dhoni’s Delhi – we feel it has a ring to it but finally it is what Dhoni is comfortable with. We are also comfortable to change our jersey to yellow as that is something he is used to. It is still early days and I do not want to make any comments as such so please don’t quote me”
The Hyderabad franchise claimed ever since things had been going south for them, Dhoni was on their mind. “Dhoni’s association with the south is well documented. He is revered in Chennai. Also, the shift from yellow to orange (SRH’s colours) will be quite seamless. I know, DC is keen to have him on board but I do feel, MSD and Hyderabad are a natural fit. I have heard that Delhi is wooing him with a change in name, we will pull out all stops too. We are even prepared to call ourselves Ranchi Sunrisers to make him feel at home”.
When contacted regarding the comments of the DC and SRH management, Dhoni kept it brief, “Nothing to add”.
Just then, Dhoni’s phone rang with the tune 'Main pal do pal ka shayar hu.’
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published at cricket.com
Before the Zimbabwe Tour 🇿🇼, youngsters are asking Shikhar Dhawan an important question - where is Zimbabwe
Sleepless in South Africa.
Look who’s losing sleep over the latest developments in Indian cricket
Days after the dust appeared to have settled on Captaincygate, neighbours complained of Ravi Shastri speaking loudly in his sleep – “That’s bowled him right through the gate, they call it Captiancygate for a reason”
One neighbour who wished to bask in the limelight asked an interviewer, “Yes, I’ll tell you what I hear, but first can you ask me a question on what I think of Kohli as a limited overs’ captain? I have all the stats to back me”.
For weeks now, everyone has had an opinion on Kohli’s captaincy.
When contacted, Shastri said, he spent the last few months as coach, sleeping. “I was quick to adopt those shades…it doesn’t augur well when the Indian coach is sleeping on camera…and despite bloody good efforts, the cameramen refused to not pan their damn camera lenses on me…I was left with no other option. I now can only sleep with shades on. Even at night. It’s these shades which are making me talk in my sleep.”
Elsewhere, Kohli too has been faced with disrupted sleep: Dada appears in my dreams…he says in 45 minutes we will make a public announcement giving the Test captaincy to Rohit Sharma. In it, I’m bargaining for 90 minutes…I’m pleading with him, “Please Dada, please, before relieving me of the ODI captaincy, you gave me an hour and a half… why have you cut it by half…My better half is worried that I’m visiting the gym in the middle of the night but there’s no other way to shrug off these nightmares…er I mean, dreams…of course it’s always a dream come true to have Dada appear in my dreams.”
It has been confirmed that Kohli gyms at odd hours of the night. Not just that, he has also shifted his bedding to the bench press. “It’s quite convenient really, I sleep in gym wear…which is cool, this also coincided with an ad I was doing…Gymwear so comfortable…you’ll never get out of it…I thought that was a witty line but I can tell you, it was my idea...I shared it with the adwallahs but the concept is mine…all mine…and I can see the hard work is paying…it’s telling on the bottom line of the company and on my bottom line too.”
Sourav Ganguly said, “I like Kohli’s attitude but he gyms too much. When I played cricket I only visited the gym to cross over to the café…and sometimes not even that. I think skill and not fitness is the reason for success in cricket. Of the current cricketers, I believe only Ashwin understands that. I’m hoping we can rope in Virender Sehwag to be the fitness trainer of this current lot, they need to enjoy the good things in life rather than worry about fitness. I can see Amit Mishra making an able deputy to Viru…”
Meanwhile Kohli refused to comment on this latest Dada-byte but did 500 sit-ups to ease his nerves. At dinner, he didn’t eat a morsel, explaining it was his fast.
***
Rahul Dravid explained his preparation to be the new Indian coach: The only reason I signed up to do that ad which went viral was to understand what it is to be a model cricketer. This is important for the current lot and I do not want to take this lightly. I may appear angry in the ad, brandishing a bat, but it has earned me a lot of respect within the current lot. They know I mean business – on and off the field.
Dravid said that he respects both “Sourav” and “Virat” as professionals. And being in South Africa, they were now thousands of miles away from it all.
***
Sachin Tendulkar refused to comment. Saying it was an internal matter of Indian cricket. He said he fondly remembered being carried by Kohli when India won the 2011 World Cup. Also adding that he had many fond memories of sharing partnerships both on the pitch and in restaurants with Ganguly – he loves his biryani and we have introduced each other to many a good place, be it in Mumbai, Kolkata or London.
When asked whether Rohit would make a better captain, tongue firmly in cheek, he said, Yes, definitely with Mumbai Indians. With the Indians, it remains to be seen.
***
Ajinkya Rahane said a good score was just around the corner – “Definitely, but for that I need to be in the XI” He also believes that another overseas’ series win was around the corner – “Definitely, but for that I need to be the captain”.
Asked how he felt after being relieved from the vice captaincy, he simply said, “definitely”.
It has been learnt that Rahane has been requesting some of the South African bowlers to dole out their short stuff to him in the nets at night – “Definitely, I have a simple explanation – as I may not play in the first Test match, I tell them, you have nothing to fear, you can bowl at me at night, this way, both of us will be in the dark”.
Seeing as no South African has taken up Rahane’s offer as yet, he has been spotted sleeping in his rucksack in the nets –“I’m looking to spend more time at the crease, definitely, this simulation will help me, Pujara seems to think so too, though he did not say so in so many words.”
***
KL Rahul, the new vice-captain, was spotted with Mayank Agarwal. Asked whether they were looking to extend their Punjab Kings’ opening; Rahul was deadpan when he said, “we are no longer at Punjab together so I won’t lose sleep over that.”
Realising he may not have been too tactful, he quickly added, “Yes, that will be the aim as we have had many memorable partnerships, not just at Punjab but at Karnataka too.”
***
“I have this repeated dream…more like a nightmare really, that I’m batting and there isn’t a single spectator there to watch me…in South Africa” said Kohli, somewhat wistfully. When informed that there will be no spectators in attendance for the series, he quickly countered, “Yes, I know, how else do you explain my dream”.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published here
Joe Root Ka Gulam!
"India toh #JoeRoot ka Gulam hai" - Before the third day's play, calls on the Test, and how it will pan out. You can watch the show here on Editorji
Gambhir lashes out at Dhoni's World Cup winning six.
10 years later, little has changed.
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