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Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
How India danced through the Caribbean like nobody was watching
In spite of the many drawbacks of this series, the erudite India coach, Rahul Dravid, was quick to pounce on a positive, in an oft-used phrase, ‘dance as if nobody is watching you’. On one team meeting, where the players were gaming or goofing, in a rare show of sternness, he said, “Boys, you have everything to lose here. The West Indies have nothing to lose.”
This hit home and drew everyone’s attention, even Suryakumar Yadav, who was contorting while gaming, drew his head out from between his legs. He even spat out his over-chewed gum that stuck to the back of Kuldeep Yadav’s left shoe.
Dravid continued: You may have heard the phrase, dance as if nobody is watching you? Most players dragged their collective Nooooohhhh – Dravid was undeterred, he explained, the concept of how many bad singers lost their inhibitions singing in the shower as nobody was watching them.
To this, Shardul Thakur asked if they will be adding showers to the nets? Quite a few cracked up, but Dravid took the seemingly silly query and called it a good point.
He then went on to explain how there was very little interest in the series, and literally nobody was watching. Except for Madan Lal, who was on DD duty through the Test series and now Anjum Chopra, who was on for the ODIs, just like a few others.
Dravid then asked Virat Kohli to explain to the boys. Kohli started to do so with great fervour and some crudity – What Rahul Bhai is saying, when do you perform best, when nobody is watching, right? That is when you can express yourself best…like, say, for those of you who are married on your wedding night…I’m hoping nobody is watching then?
The team cracked up. Even skipper Rohit Sharma who had all but dozed off, swayed his head from side to side, giggling – yeah, yeah, he’s right; obviously, you must perform with the same passion as you do on your wedding night obviously.
This brought the house down. He continued to the youngsters – “Kishan, and all you bachelors out there, don’t think I don’t know what you are all up to – sub apne ko stud mante hain (you all think of yourselves as studs).
Dravid was somewhat embarrassed with the tangent taken but also appreciative, he clapped his hands, “Well explained, Virat and Rohit, you have both spoken from experience… hehe…”.
Kuldeep Yadav stood up and realised what had happened. He muttered, “Someone has put chewing gum on my shoe like nobody was watching”.
The following day in the first ODI, Kuldeep Yadav scalped four wickets off his three overs and thanked SKY’s chewing gum – because of the gum, I was grounded.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published here on cricket.com
The big IPL hangover before the WTC Final
Will it be full circle for coach Rahul Dravid or just another Oval?
Two months of relentless travel, uprooting oneself from a hotel room every other day, packing, unpacking, and in-between that, playing cricket too. Staying switched on while playing that amount of cricket isn't easy, it showed in performances that could often be tardy. None more than in CSK’s fielding on the second night of the final.
That the IPL takes a toll is putting it mildly. Some players dig themselves into a hole of fame, delusion; while that one knock or spell skyrockets you into overnight stardom, slated as the next big India prospect by caffeinated commentators; the decline can be unforgiving.
Yet from this bunch of IPL warriors, a select few made it to the World Test Championship Final versus Australia, at The Oval from 7th June, 2023. While the time-difference between India and England is 4.30 hours, the gulf between a Test and a T20 league cannot be quantified.
This was telling on the first day of practice. Every player barring Cheteshwar Pujara was in his IPL jersey. Pujara appeared in his Sussex gear. While coach, Rahul Dravid did his best impersonation of himself as the ‘Indira Nagar ka gunda’ ad, captain, Rohit Sharma offered an explanation: “You see, after the jersey sponsors have changed, we can’t just do it”.
Team India’s jersey sponsors had changed from Nike to Adidas. While this baffled Dravid even more, “What does this even mean?”, an ever chirpy Axar Patel weighed in: "Adidas means All Day I Dream About Sport.”
The first practice session was called off prematurely.
The next session was even worse. All the players appeared in CSK’s yellow jerseys. Apparently, it was a gift from Ravindra Jadeja. Everyone had the number 7 and Dhoni on their back.
At this point, Sachin Tendulkar, who vacations in England during the summers, appeared. After mixing with the players, he proceeded to the café where he started shooting a food video. Tendulkar had become an all-rounder on social media, sharing his posts on Instagram and Facebook, making a clear differential between them, as he did between formats.
Dravid then roped in Tendulkar for a candid talk. Tendulkar started by compelling the boys to enjoy their cricket. “First of all, you must enjoy your cricket. It doesn’t matter what format you play, you must enjoy it.”
Old habits die hard, and this is where Dravid imitated Tendulkar. The boys couldn’t bring themselves to laugh, only when Tendulkar cracked up did they join in reluctantly. This was followed by questions.
Jadeja went first, “I’m finding it very hard to get out of the winning moment, and shift to Test format.” Tendulkar nodded. He advised him not to fight it and go with the flow.
The next visitor was Dinesh Karthik, who reminded everyone he was on media duties. In the last few years, it was impossible to tell whether DK was a player or a soothsayer on air.
Rohit Sharma, who finds DK both irresistible and irritable, pulled DK’s cheeks so hard it hurt.
Dravid then beckoned Pujara – just like you all are finding it hard to shift from IPL to Test mode, here’s a player, who is faced with a challenge that’s the exact opposite. Pujara offered a weak smile and said that he too had been part of an IPL-winning side with CSK. Though this was true, it zapped most present.
Dravid asked Ajinkya Rahane if as a freshly minted IPL champion he had any words of advice. Prompt in his reply, “Definitely. This is one such occasion where nobody should take the credit from the captain. Mahi bhai is an inspirational leader. Definitely, in Australia, I was able to implement a lot of learnings in our series win there. For which I would like to thank Mahi Bhai.”
Virat Kohli led a chant of Mahi! Mahi!
Recently retired again Rayudu, who was in talks with various leagues and counties, made a surprise entry. In his usual snappy way, Rayudu offered his two cents: “I have never had a problem adapting from IPL to Test cricket.” Everyone was transfixed. Perhaps Rayudu had the answers. Rayudu continued, “I’ve never had any problems adapting because I never played Test cricket.”
RP Singh, known to once arrive surprisingly for a Test match in England, was in next. He said, matter of fact, “I was on my way back from USA, thought I’d check if I was needed or anything.”
This was lost on everyone except Dravid. RP Singh played his last Test match in August 2011 at The Oval. The current venue for the WTC Final. Before this, Singh had played a Test in April 2008.
Dhoni was the Test captain then. He had beckoned Singh into the Test side. Dravid was Man of the series. India had lost the series 0-4. The series was soon after the IPL that year. CSK were the champions then. After the Test series, Dravid played his first and only T20 international against England. He made 31 with three 6s.
It then dawned upon Rahul Dravid, Tests or T20s, perhaps he was the best man to talk about playing in England. He cleared his throat and started to speak.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published on cricket.com
Inside CSK and GT camps before the IPL final
What makes the tournament special, yet over the top
After Gujarat Titans’ stunning win against a much-fancied Mumbai Indians, planning has been taken on a whole new level at CSK. While the IPL final, in all probability, could be MS Dhoni’s last IPL match, the captain wants to focus on the process – “I don’t want players to be distracted, they can be distracted eight months later when I take the decision. Right now, if you ask me, I want them to focus on the process that has got us here.”
Asked what this process was, MSD said, “that is not for me to tell, if you can guess, guess, otherwise you will publish it and GT will know all about it, so I’d rather keep quiet.”
At the GT camp, they were anything but quiet. Rahul Tewatia was all charged up, thumping his chest as he often does after miraculous death-over chases. He could be seen urging Shubman Gill to do the same. Gill was seen smiling to no one and everyone in particular. His mates were still lining up to kiss him. It had been learnt that die-hard GT fans had been queuing outside the stadium to kiss him.
Gill, nonchalant as ever, echoed Dhoni’s sentiment when he said, “I don’t want to be distracted. I just want to focus on my process that has got me here.”
GT skipper Hardik Pandya was more forthcoming when he said, “We all know what Shubman can do, you know and we have come to expect this of him. I know he says the process is important but even before the process we have to look at if everyone is following the process and why is he only showing such results.” At this point, coach Ashish Nehra walked past Pandya, mumbling something inaudible to him.
As Pandya continued to ramble, Nehra returned and said something within earshot, “Talk to him later, or don’t talk to him, let’s discuss how Mumbai made so many runs, they should have lost by more than 100 runs, that Shami over nearly cost us.” As for Shami, he could be seen laughing, imitating the sitter that went through his hands.
Mentor Gary Kirsten looked quite unaffected by all this. Almost mirroring this was CSK coach, Stephen Fleming. While Ruturaj Gaikwad, who some are pipping as Dhoni’s successor, came forward to say a few words, “We don’t need to look at GT. We need to look at ourselves. Our strengths. Everywhere there are photos of Gill’s six-pack. Why are there no photos of my six-pack? Few know I have a six-pack. At CSK, it is not our style to be demonstrative. More so after Bravo retired. But everyone here knows I have a six-pack. I even mentioned it in a post-match IPL interview.”
At this point, everyone cracked up, but what stunned everyone was a power-point presentation that did a comparison of Gill and Gaikwad’s six-packs. While everyone continued to laugh, Gaikwad remained poker-faced.
At GT, preps for their second IPL final in a row were on in earnest. Everyone had been given copies of Oscar Wilde’s 'The importance of being earnest'. It was Nehra’s idea – “I have not read the book, and you don’t have to also, what is important is the title. And we are after the title. Once we have the title, you can read the book. Or Not.” He continued to talk briskly in Hindi, saying the focus on the title was all that matters.
Pandya echoed Nehra’s sentiment, “What Ashu pa is saying is correct, if I had been reading books then I would’ve been some modest cricket writer and not this flashy captain of an IPL winning team. We have to wear our attitude on our sleeve, you must have heard that saying. I believe, you have to wear it on both sleeves.”
In the CSK war-room, there was a secret visitor. It was GT bowler, Mohit Sharma. Sharma was ex-CSK and was seen animatedly talking to Dhoni after the first Eliminator. He had popped in to thank Dhoni, talking straight as he did after his 5 for 10 against MI. He was asking Dhoni what he thought of his speech. When Dhoni said he didn’t watch speeches, he only made them, Sharma repeated it verbatim.
After Sharma left, Pandya appeared. He too wanted to spend time with his ‘elder brother’, Dhoni. He was quite emotional and MS had to calm him down. Pandya was seen ruffling Dhoni’s hair.
Gradually, other GT members entered to speak with Dhoni and his CSK team-mates. The broadcasting crew appeared and started filming this. Ex-CSK player and broadcaster, Mathew Hayden, piped in, “It’s only in the IPL that you will see something like this. No doubt this is the greatest league in the world.”
Harbhajan Singh, by his side, agreed, “I have to agree with you, even you and I are now friends all thanks to the IPL.” Sunil Gavaskar could be seen taking out shirts from a bag, having them autographed by Dhoni. When reminded that he already had his shirt autographed by MS on Live TV, he quipped, “In India, the moment you have something precious, your family, friends and neighbours want it.”
Ashish Nehra hovered past mumbling to himself.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published on cricket.com
What makes Virat Kohli go on and on
Let's go beyond his legendary fitness and practice regime
What would appear to be yet another excited comment by Kevin Pietersen, said so much about Virat Kohli, the man, and what drives him. KP spoke of how the crowds had been away for the last few IPL seasons, that now that they had returned and were pushing Kohli to greater heights.
There is more than meets the eye to this comment. Perhaps KP knows Kohli better than most but he was on to something more.
It’s no secret that Kohli is a showman as much as a cricketer. Few know, that even when he’s been doing the hard yards in the gym, there has been an intense pre-gym prep. This entails a proper lighting and film crew set-up. This was even more vital during the pandemic, when it was crucial for the cricketer to reach his millions of fans on social media.
That Kohli’s wife, Anushka is in films, gave the productions a professional edge. While Kohli pumped away in the gym for hours, the film crew cut these films for hours. These were shared with a handpicked film jury, and only the best made it to Kohli’s Instagram page. This was to echo an oft-use Kohli phrase, “My fans deserve the best.”
In spite of Kohli’s back-to-back twin hundreds, and the thousands of elated fans, RCB failed to make the playoffs. Yet the highpoint when Kohli reached his century against SRH, was the collective-submissive ‘We’re not worthy’ bows by his front-row teammates in the dugout. It is learnt that half the RCB player selections in auctions are done keeping in mind how submissive the players are. As of course, how deeply touched they are by the Kohli aura.
Kohli does favour players with a sense of humour: that they can laugh uncontrollably at his crude desi jokes is huge positive. If they can add to the laughs, they’re all-in.
It’s an open secret that through all these years, Kohli is the only Indian player at RCB to have scored over 1000 runs – 7K +. Kohli tends to get along beautifully with overseas’ superstars – the bromance with AB de Villiers continues long after the player left the franchise. Kohli’s affinity to the South African led to RCB going after Faf du Plessis. It helped that both AB and Faf were 1984 born, in Pretoria, married in 2013 with a middle name starting with D.
Kohli is picky numerically and can be quite superstitious too. In fact, he’s often referred to as Virat da Kohli, the Indian-Saffer. As an RCB insider, Mr. Nags dished out a nursery rhyme to toast AB, Faf and Virat, the chorus is, “de, du, da, we are RCB via South Africa, haha”
Even though Glenn Maxwell is not South African or 1984 born, he’s born in the same year as Kohli – 1988. That he is married to a woman of Indian origin makes him even more agreeable. Those critical of Maxwell say he chokes in the big games, so he’s very much South African too.
As for the RCB support staff, they have to be adept at throw-downs any time of the day. While Kohli’s fitness and practice regime is a thing of legend, few know that there are times he can wake up in the middle of the night, sleepwalk to the nets and expect to sleep-bat. Kohli’s intensity does not waver when he’s batting in his sleep. An insider commented, “Virat eats and sleeps cricket, there is not a moment he is not switched on” As the chef at a hotel added, “We have been instructed to bake his bread in the shape of cricket bats. Once we perfected the mould, it was a cakewalk”.
Another favourite for Kohli in his free-time is watching Dracula, Twilight and Vampire movies. Those in the know say, “for Kohli anything with ‘bats’ is sacrosanct. I’ve heard, when he enjoyed a drink, it was always a Bacardi, but those days are long gone. Even though he’s a vegan, he’s a huge Meat Loaf fan and loves all the Bat out of hell albums.
This writer caught Virat humming, “I’d do anything for love but I won’t do that.” Remains to be seen whether ‘that’ is an IPL or ICC trophy.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published at cricket.com
Dhoni after CSK.
A triple-role with Delhi Capitals? Or a coaching stint at 'Ranchi Sunrisers'?
Every season, the one question that does the rounds is: is this his last season? Last year, MS Dhoni gave every indication that he wanted to play at his CSK home ground, Chepauk, and then take a call on his IPL career.
Dhoni’s call has been answered by every stadium in India. Every stadium has been a sea of yellow. A CSK fortress. No matter where, it's been Mahi’s home ground. The high point of every CSK match has been when MSD's come out to bat. Ad breaks ceased. Both Star and Jio have been largely aligned on this.
It may have been for just a few deliveries, towards the end of every CSK innings but MSD has come out swinging each time – striking at nearly 200, Dhoni’s daredevilry with the bat has left all gasping for more. After 12 matches, even though MSD has faced a mere 50 deliveries, he has scored 98 runs, with 10 sixes. Dhoni out in the middle has been an event.
It hasn't been uncommon for even those not watching the match, to turn it on. It hasn't been uncommon for those who were turned on elsewhere, to turn to the match. It's been the Dhoni factor. Mobiles switched on, TVs tuned into, viewership peaking. Everyone have sensed, this season is all about Dhoni’s withdrawal.
The eternal question has been, what will CSK be after Dhoni stops playing? Everyone expected that he would remain with the franchise in some capacity, most probably as a mentor, much like Tendulkar is with Mumbai Indians.
Apparently it could be quite to the contrary. It has been learnt that Dhoni hopes to take on something more challenging – a leadership role at a hopeless franchise, either Delhi Capitals or Sunrisers Hyderabad. Both teams are languishing at the bottom, with a handful of games remaining. Dhoni wishes to see, by the end of the season, which of the two teams is more useless.
In their two matches against each other, DC and SRH have won one match a piece. The margin of defeat has been similar, 7 and 9 runs. Both teams chasing had 4 wickets in the bank, played their overs out, and tested the patience of their handful of fans.
Asked if this is true, Dhoni remained non-committal but did say, “Even useless teams have some use. I remember when I was at the Pune franchise (Rising Pune Supergiants), I did feel they had some use – when I returned to CSK, it was with new vigour. I’m not saying I will be taking on a leadership role with either of the teams but I’m not ruling it out either. One must keep looking at fresh challenges.
"Sometimes I feel that we at CSK, with Flem as coach and me there too, are a well-oiled machine. We need to challenge ourselves. That’s why, if you remember, we made Jadeja the captain in between. The rest, y’kno, everyone saw. Some will remember the issues with Raina too, what seemed like a non-issue but really, it’s how you decide to look at matters and take them in your own hands”
The Delhi management said they’d love to have Dhoni in any role: “Ideally we’d like to have him captain, coach and mentor our team as we are missing persons in all three roles. It has been a painful experience for us and we are looking to rename the franchise again. We also are looking at Dhoni to suggest a new name or if he’s fine with us using his name, something like Dhoni’s Delhi – we feel it has a ring to it but finally it is what Dhoni is comfortable with. We are also comfortable to change our jersey to yellow as that is something he is used to. It is still early days and I do not want to make any comments as such so please don’t quote me”
The Hyderabad franchise claimed ever since things had been going south for them, Dhoni was on their mind. “Dhoni’s association with the south is well documented. He is revered in Chennai. Also, the shift from yellow to orange (SRH’s colours) will be quite seamless. I know, DC is keen to have him on board but I do feel, MSD and Hyderabad are a natural fit. I have heard that Delhi is wooing him with a change in name, we will pull out all stops too. We are even prepared to call ourselves Ranchi Sunrisers to make him feel at home”.
When contacted regarding the comments of the DC and SRH management, Dhoni kept it brief, “Nothing to add”.
Just then, Dhoni’s phone rang with the tune 'Main pal do pal ka shayar hu.’
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published at cricket.com
The day Rohit Sharma lost his appetite.
And the day he won it back
It was unlike most mornings for Rohit Sharma. He had no appetite. He didn’t feel like starting with his usual vada pav. Sitting at the dining table, staring at his go-to vada pav, he asked for it to be taken away. This was a matter of concern for the Sharma household. Little if anything could come between Rohit and his beloved vada pav.
Yet Rohit knew. He had lost his appetite. Not just for his vada pav but for something far more critical. For big runs. He had seen how it had panned out for the greats before him, one day, boom, and the switch goes off. It’s not always a glitch in the internal engineering of a player’s cricketing circuit. Yet with age, net-after-net, match-after-match, time after time, Rohit looked but couldn’t just find his mojo.
His mojo made him joke in the slips. It made him laugh about slips. It told him, that no matter what, he was above this. Now he was faced with this dreaded new reality: he was not above this. This, whatever it was, was glugging him; he saw the metaphorical water reach above his waistline. He heard the innumerable jokes about his waistline. Even though he rarely let on, it hurt him. He thought them crude, not that he had a problem with crude, but this was strangely below the belt.
Prior to this, Rohit had had his best time as an all-format player. Those five IPL trophies were going nowhere. After years of traversing the Test wastelands in the middle order, he was opening to five days of a hearty supper.
Rohit’s appetite in every sense was thriving. Everybody loved Rohit. The networks were in talks with him to do a sitcom along the lines of Everybody Loves Raymond with him. Yet Rohit refused, saying he didn’t see himself wearing a suit episode after episode. He then quipped that he was far from ‘The complete man’. He was more, ‘The Compete Man’.
That Rohit was. He was on top of his game. Finally, commentators were not alluding to his talent. He was the finished article.
Yet this morning, Rohit felt like a finished article.
He had seen his fellow teammates threaten to burn out. He had seen the great Virat Kohli plummet. Day after day, the same questions, the century count. Rohit did believe that Virat will be back – he backed him openly. If anything, Rohit backed his mates to a fault. Probably for this, Rohit’s mates loved him. They loved to hang with him, and go out eating with him – even if it meant breaking a Covid protocol or two – his mates knew, Rohit was one of them.
Now leave alone looking away from that vada pav, Rohit didn’t feel like going out dining with his mates. He saw his good mates languish. The players he had openly backed were going through tough times; whether it was Dinesh Karthik or Rishabh Pant or Yuzvendra Chahal. Thankfully he thought Shubman Gill was truly back in the mix.
Not unlike Kohli, his own century drought was bothering him. When that elusive century did come, he was not his usual self in the post-match – nearly snappy, using lame statistics to strengthen his case.
The 2023 IPL season was bleak. This was his fifth straight season with a strike rate in the 120s. Few knew that his IPL career strike rate was a tad under 130. For everyone, he was Captain Marvellous. The Hitman. These brandings were getting to him. Secretly he longed for the challenge when he was mocked as Nohit Sharma.
In the last two seasons, his average had been less than 20 – not just that, his strike rates had been in the 120s. When Rohit thought of this, he would mock himself, “Do the math, Hitman”. It appeared he now had the most ducks in the IPL. He secretly hated stats, now more than ever.
But then Rohit put on his thinking cap. He actually had one that he treasured. It was a gift from a loved one. Putting on that thinking cap, Rohit reassured himself, “Why am I taking it out on the vada pav and punishing myself, I’m working out more so I can eat it”. Rohit ordered a vada pav in his most demanding captain’s voice: “Ek lana woh apna item”
He then thought of Jasprit Bumrah, KL Rahul, and the injuries that had laid siege on the team. He then thought of that famous Test series Down Under; he felt good that Ajinkya Rahane was back in the mix. “If Jinks can get his appetite back then I can too!”.
Suddenly, Rohit started laughing and mocking the little girl sitting by his side. Suddenly, he was the happiest man in the world.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published here at cricket.com
How Dhoni stopped Jadeja from sleepwalking through the IPL
It was down to an open-door policy
On Labour Day, CSK delivered. It was a normal delivery. Everything seemed normal. MS Dhoni had appointed MS Dhoni in-charge of the mothership. He had relieved Ravindra Jadeja of what seemed like a spate of morning sickness evils on match days.
Jadeja, once the safest hands, and often entrusted with babysitting players’ children, was now dropping not just catches but sitters. Often off fellow left-arm spinner, Mitchell Santner’s bowling. Santner, another reliable catcher and babysitter, dropped a few off Jadeja’s bowling.
Dhoni had observed how captaincy was messing with Jadeja’s batting and bowling. That he had factored in. But this dip in fielding? Yet Dhoni did not intervene. He wanted Jadeja to take the call. Little did he anticipate, that his teammate was literally sleepwalking through the turbulent last few weeks.
***
Now it is well documented that the door to MS’ room is always open to his teammates, no matter what the time.
At a very odd hour, sometime in the middle of the night, Jadeja emerged from his bed. It’s another thing, he was still sleeping. He stood up and did his routine stretching exercises. After this, he emerged from his bedroom, arms stretched forward and parallel to each other. Oblivious, he knocked at MS’ door. Who opened, not surprised to see Jadeja. It took him an instant to realise Jadeja was sleepwalking.
He let him be, knowing fully well, from experience, how many players had sleepwalked through the IPL, and it was never prudent to wake them up. He would often say in CSK meetings, “There will be a time when you may feel you are on autopilot, just going through the motions, match after match, it will be like sleepwalking but it’s not for me to wake you up. As you know, waking a sleepwalker can be dangerous.” It was based on this thinking that the CSK doctrine of not hurriedly changing players was based; and why they stuck with their core in the recent mega auction.
Jadeja sat at the writing table. Removed a sheet from the hotel writing pad, and started to scribble something. It was evident, even in his sleep, he was struggling. He wrote, “Dear Mahi, thank you for the opp…” But at that, he rolled the paper into a ball and left the room.
Over the next few days, Jadeja continued to emerge, in the middle of the night, often on match day. MS would leave the door slightly ajar with the table lamp on. Each time, Jadeja would scribble a few words but always roll the paper into a ball.
MS could gauge Jadeja’s pain. He saw it on the field. And now here, in his sleepwalking and rolled up paper balls. One day, he decided to write a note alongside the pad. If Jadeja read it, well and good. There were just a few words, “Jaddu, at least you tried”
That night, Jadeja emerged again. Sat at the writing table. MS pretended to sleep. Jadeja did not write anything that day. Instead, he walked away with MS’ words.
At breakfast when MS met Jadeja, he could tell a weight had been lifted off him. The smile was back on his face. Yet, he wanted to be sure. He hurled an apple, well wide of Jadeja. While Jadeja was sitting, immersed in his breakfast, he sprang from his chair and caught the apple single-handed.
MS applauded Jadeja’s efforts with a, “Jaddu, good catch. I’m happy to say, Jaddu the fielder is back. And if that’s the case, Jaddu the batsman and Jaddu the bowler cannot be far behind. Of course, it remains to be seen if this catching is only with the red ball which is what the apple is or with the white ball too…otherwise we will have to practice with white apples.”
Everybody laughed. Jadeja bowed with élan. There was a sense of what was happening, but nobody said a word. MS joined Jadeja at his breakfast table. They didn’t say a word about the note. They didn’t have to. Years of trust and love between the two had made their communication almost instinctive.
During the day, a brief press release stated MS Dhoni’s return to captaincy. The following day, CSK’s openers added 182 off 17.5 overs. Ruturaj Gaikwad made only his second fifty of the IPL, his highest score of 99. In only his second match of the season, Devon Conway made 83*. MS Dhoni promoted himself to three, Jadeja came in at four.
CSK went on to beat SRH by 13 runs. Jadeja bowled 3 overs for 15 runs. Everyone attributed everything good that happened that night to MS Dhoni. Much later that night, Jadeja emerged from his bed and walked to MS’ room. He went straight to the table and scribbled a few words. He did not roll the paper into a ball.
The note said, “Thanx Mahi bhai. xxx Jaddu”
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published here
Inside Virat Kohli’s mind
Is Virat vs. Kohli the biggest matchup this IPL?
Match Day, on the back of two consecutive ducks, the conflict in Virat Kohli’s mind is apparent. He sits by himself staring into the mid-distance. Almost subconsciously he’s taking his specs off, then putting them on and having a dialogue with himself.
Virat represents specs-off mode, Kohli specs-on mode. There’s a third mode lurking somewhere: Cheeku.
Virat: You got this, you got this, got this, got this...
Kohli: You got squat.
Virat: WTF, you’re putting me down, not what I need. I need up, up, up. I need to…
Kohli: Do you know what you need? You need to know how to score runs. Not some psychobabble that you’re squirting. Who’s gonna tell you that? Which coach? Do you even care what they say? Do you even think they know better than you do? Where’s your humility, it kicked in only in the last few months, when you lost captaincy after captaincy and you looked like you had lost it.
Virat: Don’t talk sh**
Kohli: Well, you know it’s far from sh**
Virat: Ok, we’ve been there before, can we focus on now, how I don’t get another duck? I don’t want to be looking like MI with 8 consecutive ducks.
Kohli: What do you want? Ask yourself, what-do-you-want? Pause. You don’t have to answer right away, ask. But at least ask.
Virat: What do you want?
Kohli: Good, that’s a start…
Virat: I want to…
Kohli: No, no, not so fast Virat. Not so fast. Chew on that question. Don’t swallow it and spit it out. Chew. 20 times. Like you were taught as a kid. Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew…
Virat: Okay stop, chew chew ka murabba…
Kohli: Ha good, you remember that…
Virat: Yeah.
Kohli: Now let’s take a break…
Virat: Break, what break? Even you want me to take a break, whose side are you on, man?? First, it was everyone and their uncle on social media, then the firangis like KP, THEN Ravi…yeah, Ravi, off all people…now even you??
Kohli: Y’kno Ravi, you’ve always known Ravi, he’s loyal to his bosses. When you were boss, he was loyal to you. But you stopped being boss, a long time ago.
Virat: I didn’t.
Kohli: Can we stop lying to ourselves. Can we take a break?
Virat: NO.
Kohli: I meant a break from this, specs on, specs off, dual personality BS, and come back when we are refreshed to restart the conversation.
Virat: Ok, I concede. We need a break. But only from this conversation.
***
After a break from his heady conversation with himself, Virat Kohli steps out to the balcony. His wife, Anushka is there. He sits alongside her. They don’t say a word for a few minutes. Then she breaks the silence.
Anushka: How did it go?
VK: Hmmm!
They continue to sit in silence, then Kohli breaks the silence.
VK: I dunno
Anushka: That’s a start, admitting you don’t know.
Kohli takes a deep breath and sighs. They sit in silence for what seems to be an eternity.
VK: OK, I’m gonna go in and continue…
Anushka: I’ll go in, this change of scene will do you good…do you want your specs?
VK: Nope, I’m wearing my lenses…
***
Virat and Kohli are at it again.
Virat: What did she mean by that’s a start?
Kohli: You said, “I dunno” She said, “that’s a start”.
Virat: What’s a start?
Kohli: Dunno. You know. You know.
Virat: Dunno what scares me more, not scoring runs, scoring another first-ball duck or being dropped.
Kohli: When you were captain, you dropped a lotta guys. You know who. Sometimes they came back. Maybe you need to know what it is to make a comeback in the truest sense, not to be feeding on past laurels.
Virat: Or past Hardys…hehehe past Laurels & Hardys…I used to be a Hardy…
Kohli: Good to see you laugh again.
Virat: Yaar, think I should start tikka shikka again…
Kohli: Don’t digress, bite it.
Virat: Right, right, bite the bullet, Virat. Bite it. Another first ball duck scares the hell out of me. Think it will scare any batsman to have it festering inside, that fear, it kills me.
Kohli: So what’s the alternative?
Virat: Dunno
Kohli: You do.
Virat: Ask Faf to give me a break for a few games?
Kohli: Yes
Virat: What if he refuses?
Kohli: Have you asked?
Virat: What if they don’t pick me again, what if RCB win the IPL without me?
Kohli: Are you helping them win it just now?
Virat: I took Pant’s catch…hehehe
Kohli: Your contribution is starting to resemble Manish Pandey’s.
Virat: Stop it. I’m averaging 17 to his 14, I’m striking at 122 to his 110.
Kohli: hear yourself?
Virat: we’re both gun fielders, we’re both more or less the same age too.
Kohli: Yeah, you’ve played far more than him. Being dropped may not be such a big deal for him. Each time he plays it’s like a comeback for him. Yet his team backs him match after match, then they drop him…then they pick him…only to drop him again.
Virat: Are you saying, I speak to him?
Kohli: You could. Who knows? Maybe he’ll give you a sense of what it feels like to be on the edge, to never be sure of your spot, yet turn up. Or you could ask DK, how it was, those lows? Or you could ask yourself? Or you could ask Anushka?
Virat: Or I could ask Paaji…
Kohli takes his phone, texts Tendulkar, who replies right away, they get on to a call. After the call, Virat walks back in, beaming.
Anushka: You look happy, like a load just came off you, think I know what happened.
Kohli: Yes, all these years, I didn’t realise…after carrying the team for years, I was carrying myself for years…the team is doing fine, with me, without me. But my load, my expectation of myself, Virat competing with Kohli, and Kohli competing with Virat, it has to stop. At some point, I just needed to know, I’m as much Virat as Kohli. And basically, deep down I’m this kid who played cricket, a kid called Cheeku.
Virat Kohli went on to eliminate the cover drive. In doing so, he lost a part of himself but gained so much more.
(However plausible this may sound, this is a work of fiction)
First published here
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