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Oh no, not
again, India-Sri Lanka-fication. There’s pollution outside, and if you stay
indoors, turn on the TV to watch this series, there will be pollution inside. No
air purifier will come to your aid. As you watch and inhale the extra-large
pollutants off your extra-large flat screens, you will be numbed into
submission. Just as Sri Lanka is supposed to. Not yet to have won a Test match
in India, the islanders return, because they were asked to, no, commanded to –
and who wouldn’t want to play India in their right financial mind. Bermuda has
been lining up for years after that magnificent slip catch, but they never made
it past that triangle.
What could
sort this repetitive mess, once and for all is if India start to play India –
not like Indian cricketers playing each other in First Class tournaments or
List A matches but proper internationals with two Indias. Anyway, it’s fast
emerging with greater certainty that there are two clear Indias out there. What
could be better than forming two Indias based on players’ political
convictions.
But what
about players who don’t have any political beliefs, and just want to play
cricket? That could be tricky. In such cases, abandon the politics and go for
an outright auction. It will take care of more broadcast rights to be sold, and
even create an opening for many more Indias.
Anything to
do away with these Sri Lanka series really. But what if Lanka were to turn the
tables and become a far more adept team – wouldn’t that be equally unacceptable?
How will we ever forgive our boys for losing to them?
Defeat
could be a far greater threat to our viewing than one-sided wins. Disillusioned
with the national side, we may not just stop watching this bilateral bullshit,
but abandon the team with all our heart.
There is no
solution to this but to not watch at all. To rest ourselves. Yeah, just like
Hardik Pandya has been rested. After being promoted to all positions and
corners of the team, and found wanting every now and then, his workload has been
reassessed, his hair follicles have been processed – and modern BCCI science
has arrived at the perfect solution. In cricket parlance it’s defined as a “Much
needed break”. In common speak it is Chilla-X. Also worth noting as Pandya was
to bring that X-factor. So when you ask the X factor to chill, that’s why it’s
called what it’s called.
But in BCCI
speak, which is fast sounding more like it’s outsourced its PR to Wimbledon,
here’s what’s being said:
"Considering Mr
Pandya's heavy recent workload, the decision was made to negate any possibility
of a major injury concern. Mr Pandya will undergo a period of strength at
conditioning at the National Cricket Academy in Bengaluru."
Oh dear. Mr Pandya did they say? It almost sounds
like they’re saying Game Miss Graf, Miss Graf leads Miss Sabatini by two
games to one, first set. But who does Mr Pandya lead? Who knows, but we sure
could take a lead out of his book – and at the risk of repeating myself, I’ll
say it again, rest ourselves.
We may even add an air of dignity to ourselves.
Catch someone saying, “Mr Sethi has been rested from the series so as to lessen
the viewer’s chance of eye injury. Considering the viewer’s recent writing
load, the decision was made to negate any possibility of a writer’s block. Mr
Sethi will undergo a period of blindfolding at conditioning at the Non-watcher’s
academy at an isolated location. Should he remove the blindfolds, he may see a
TV screen but there will be no cable or dish connection.”
As some major dude once said, “extreme times
require extreme measures”. And it’s not like watching this Sri Lanka series
will land us a Viewing Coach position in the Mumbai Indians’ dugout?
First published here
