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Shane Watson calls on Hollywood

by Bored Guest

Back home, lying on his couch late at night, Shane "Twatto" Watson, while flipping through the telly lands on the infomercial Total Gym and the pitchman was none other than the inimitable Chuck "I have a third fist under my beard" Norris. By his side a bag of cheese curls and can of flat soda. Watto is bummed out about his team Australia, getting their asses handed them, literally, in the finals of the T20 world cup and more so, his disastrous performance that made Michael Clarke's look decent. In addition to losing to England, they lost in England to the ragtag team of scatterbrained Pakistanis. Now, Stuart Broad is stealing Twatto’s thunder as the “most petulant blonde haired all rounder” as well. Not good times for our man Twatto.

Twatto, with all his antipodean cleverness - that can come only from being antipodean - thought, "If there is one person in this world that can help me recover from the pasting I’ve been getting, It’s gotta be the Chuckster. He understands what it feels to get the crap beaten out of ya!" and so, still dreary eyed from late night TV and self-loathing, Twatto picked up the phone and called the Total Gym phone number.

Ring Ring. Ring Ring.

Voice: Hello. Thanks for calling Total Gym. How can I help you?

Shane Watson: Operator, Can I speak to Chuck please?

Chuck Norris: This is Chuck. I don't have an operator. I am the operator.

SW: Chuck. You gotta help me. Things are not good for me and my team.

CN: Stop with the sobbing. My ears are getting wet.

SW: Sorry mate. I was treated like a medium pacer that I actually am in the T20 finals world cup. Though I got a bunch of wickets in the tests against the Pakistanis (before they realized it was me who was bowling), people still don’t give me any respect. At least for a while, I irritated people with my smug smile that smacked of undeserved self aggrandizement. But now, Broady has got the pole position on that one too. What do I do, Chuck?

CN: You mean, besides buying the Total Gym?

SW: Yes, of course.

CN: Well, you know, you can start with growing a beard and..

SW: But I’m face follicle challenged

CN: Well, you could use a fake beard. Did you know Agassi used a rug in his younger days?

SW: Hmmm.. Good point. May be I could check in with Vettori. He seems to have a beard perpetually. But Aussies don’t get along with the Kiwis. May be, Dirk Nannes.

CN: Sure, sure. whatever. Also, on the field, you need to show more that you are actually a man. When you run in to batsmen or shoulder barging them, top it off with a roundhouse kick. It helped my career.

SW: But the match referee would be watching..

CN: Tell ‘em that’s how the Aussies play their Cricket. They usually buy that line of reasoning. Remember Ponting’s elbow on Mohammed Aamer?

SW: Oh yeah.

CN: It would also help if you guys lobby to have Chris Broad to be your match referee for ALL your matches.

SW: Pardon me Chuck, but you seem to know an awful lot about Cricket for a Yank?

CN: That’s what they said when I became a martial arts movie stud. I am Chuck F**ken Norris.

SW: Oh right.

CN: So yeah, try the beard. Roundhouse kicks. And cut that crap with hair products. Makes you look like a member of Boyzone or ‘NSync. Do you have any other qualities that you could highlight?

SW: I work out a lot and I’ve got an impeccable six-pack abs.

CN: Yeah but it would make you look like some Calvin Klein model. Grow some chest hair and then, you could just play the game without a shirt on. I used to do that in movies a lot. Also, stop doing that post-wicket celebration that you do. You know what I’m talking about?

SW: you mean, where I jump up and down in the same spot, with my fist clenched? Like the one I did to Chris Gayle’s face?

CN: yeah, that shit, exactly. Don’t do that. Makes you look like a total c*nt.

SW: Mmmm.. Okay.

CN: So follow my Do’s and Don’ts. Use the total gym. You should be alright. If nothing, at least, you won’t be confused with Broad.

SW: Oh Thanks a lot Chuck. You’ll see a whole new Watto in the next series against India.

CN: Don’t mention it and its “Twatto” son.


by Mister & Missus Cricket Couch
who blog at
half and half and the cricket couch

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