Why Virat Kohli should drop himself
Shane Watson's Hot Date
Beats talking about India's cricket problems
What's with the Aussies? Are the Indians getting to them - are they getting to themselves? Watch Bored Member Gaurav Sethi talk Naked Cricket with Kashish and Nishant Joshi.
Shane Watson's Future
Shane Watson calls on Hollywood
Back home, lying on his couch late at night, Shane "Twatto" Watson, while flipping through the telly lands on the infomercial Total Gym and the pitchman was none other than the inimitable Chuck "I have a third fist under my beard" Norris. By his side a bag of cheese curls and can of flat soda. Watto is bummed out about his team Australia, getting their asses handed them, literally, in the finals of the T20 world cup and more so, his disastrous performance that made Michael Clarke's look decent. In addition to losing to England, they lost in England to the ragtag team of scatterbrained Pakistanis. Now, Stuart Broad is stealing Twatto’s thunder as the “most petulant blonde haired all rounder” as well. Not good times for our man Twatto.
Twatto, with all his antipodean cleverness - that can come only from being antipodean - thought, "If there is one person in this world that can help me recover from the pasting I’ve been getting, It’s gotta be the Chuckster. He understands what it feels to get the crap beaten out of ya!" and so, still dreary eyed from late night TV and self-loathing, Twatto picked up the phone and called the Total Gym phone number.
Ring Ring. Ring Ring.
Voice: Hello. Thanks for calling Total Gym. How can I help you?
Shane Watson: Operator, Can I speak to Chuck please?
Chuck Norris: This is Chuck. I don't have an operator. I am the operator.
SW: Chuck. You gotta help me. Things are not good for me and my team.
CN: Stop with the sobbing. My ears are getting wet.
SW: Sorry mate. I was treated like a medium pacer that I actually am in the T20 finals world cup. Though I got a bunch of wickets in the tests against the Pakistanis (before they realized it was me who was bowling), people still don’t give me any respect. At least for a while, I irritated people with my smug smile that smacked of undeserved self aggrandizement. But now, Broady has got the pole position on that one too. What do I do, Chuck?
CN: You mean, besides buying the Total Gym?
SW: Yes, of course.
CN: Well, you know, you can start with growing a beard and..
SW: But I’m face follicle challenged
CN: Well, you could use a fake beard. Did you know Agassi used a rug in his younger days?
SW: Hmmm.. Good point. May be I could check in with Vettori. He seems to have a beard perpetually. But Aussies don’t get along with the Kiwis. May be, Dirk Nannes.
CN: Sure, sure. whatever. Also, on the field, you need to show more that you are actually a man. When you run in to batsmen or shoulder barging them, top it off with a roundhouse kick. It helped my career.
SW: But the match referee would be watching..
CN: Tell ‘em that’s how the Aussies play their Cricket. They usually buy that line of reasoning. Remember Ponting’s elbow on Mohammed Aamer?
SW: Oh yeah.
CN: It would also help if you guys lobby to have Chris Broad to be your match referee for ALL your matches.
SW: Pardon me Chuck, but you seem to know an awful lot about Cricket for a Yank?
CN: That’s what they said when I became a martial arts movie stud. I am Chuck F**ken Norris.
SW: Oh right.
CN: So yeah, try the beard. Roundhouse kicks. And cut that crap with hair products. Makes you look like a member of Boyzone or ‘NSync. Do you have any other qualities that you could highlight?
SW: I work out a lot and I’ve got an impeccable six-pack abs.
CN: Yeah but it would make you look like some Calvin Klein model. Grow some chest hair and then, you could just play the game without a shirt on. I used to do that in movies a lot. Also, stop doing that post-wicket celebration that you do. You know what I’m talking about?
SW: you mean, where I jump up and down in the same spot, with my fist clenched? Like the one I did to Chris Gayle’s face?
CN: yeah, that shit, exactly. Don’t do that. Makes you look like a total c*nt.
SW: Mmmm.. Okay.
CN: So follow my Do’s and Don’ts. Use the total gym. You should be alright. If nothing, at least, you won’t be confused with Broad.
SW: Oh Thanks a lot Chuck. You’ll see a whole new Watto in the next series against India.
CN: Don’t mention it and its “Twatto” son.
*Click*
by Mister & Missus Cricket Couch
who blog at half and half and the cricket couch
Mohammad Asif is a cartoon
Selfish Partners.
Yeeru and Hauti were building a huge partnership. Then it happened. A misunderstanding whereby both of them were competing for the same crease. Neither wanted to go and it took the third umpire to decide Hauti had to go. Hauti went cursing and eventually, though they made up, the selfishness of Indian Cricketers was exposed.
Eminencies reacted thus:
Steve Pough: Anyone wearing the baggy green implicitly puts the team first. If this had happened to Australia, both batsmen would have been competing to sacrifice their wicket rather than bickering to stay
Pricky Ranting: It is not about scoring centuries. You must play for the team. I would have taken one on the chin for the team and not stayed bickering there, exposing the lack of unity in team. Of course, you can't expect that from Sub-continentals.
(exit stage, murmuring, "Sach scored another century, with even that pesky DK being smart enough not to hit the winning runs. Wish I played for India - I could actually have centuries instead of mouthing platitudes on team spirit)
Ian Slipper: This is what happens when you place personal records above the team. It was bound to happen in India, of course. This will never happen in Australia
Greg Slipper: I told you, Indian culture sucks!
Michael Chalker: Aw! Look mate, we Ozzies will never be so selfish to fight publicly for staying on.
And so on...
All characters and incidents in the story are imaginary. Any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental!
by Raj
To Shane Watson, A Bored Game Fantasy Cricket Tragedy
I HATE YOU. You and all Shane Watsons who play cricket for Australia. You are cruel, cruel horrible men. You play with my emotions, make me reject you and then humiliate me. Me and all Achettups who write cricket blogs. Damn you!
I like fantasy cricket. I love the Bored Game here on BCC! I thought I could win, because I am so awesome. But you had to ruin it. I put my faith in you. I said "Poor injured guy, I'm sure he wants to make up for all the time he lost breaking his legs, back, shoulders. I'm sure he is so sick of that exercise bike that he will thunder in and take loads of wickets. I'm sure he will test the limits of his new back and pull and hook to glory. I like Shane Watson. He's $100k, but I'll take him in my fantasy cricket team. I mean, Agarkar isn't playing so this makes sense."
And what do you do? Game 1, vs the West Indies... GOLDEN DUCK. -10 batting points. I'm like, well that was a brute of a delivery, Kemar Roach is awesome. I'll keep Watto, see he got me three wickets, he can always do something worthwhile.
Game 2, vs India... After a horribly scratchy over, my trump player (YES THATS YOU, THATS HOW MUCH FAITH I PUT IN YOU PLAYING MY COUNTRY!) miscues a pull and is out for a 7-ball duck. -20. Doesn't even get to bowl. Hmpf.
Game 3 vs Pakistan, (still my trump) bowls economically but gets slogged for 12 in the last over. 40 bowling points gone. But you did take two wickets, so that can be forgiven. 24 measly runs, just one more and I could have got a bonus. But no, you couldn't do that. I've had enough of your mediocre allround prowess. YOU HAVE BEEN DROPPED.
Ok... so semifinal one... no point picking Watto he can't bat for nuts... Something's wrong here he bowled a maiden and has taken two wickets. 96 bowling points... oh well, he'll flop when he bats! BOOM! 130 odd runs later, 7x6ers later, MAN OF THE BLOODY MATCH LATER, 369 frickin points later...
Don't tell me it wasn't deliberate. You horrible selfish man. This has to stop, cricketers have to stop being so inconsiderate. We play fantasy cricket gawddamnit, and you can't ruin our fun for the silly cause of getting your team to the final. Especially not when I have your captain in my team and he should have gotten man of the match. Damn you Shane Watson. Damn You.
Got a fantasy cricket tragedy to tell? Send it to us here and we'll be happy to publish the best.
What about the IPL?
By Q
Shane Watson is out for 6 months.
He said he's aiming to comeback by the Ashes next year.
But what about the IPL?
The league will lose its most valuable player.
What about the Rajasthan Royals? How will Warne cope without his top performer?
Is no one worried about an IPL sans Watson?
Oh well, maybe not!
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