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Con Call1: Maa

by Bored Guest

This was waiting to happen if you consider the enormity of the 2G scam. The arbitrary manner in which spectrum licences have been handed out to any Anil, Sunil, or Vellan was bound to reflect in the overall quality of mobile connectivity. Over the past few weeks, the issues faced by subscribers have gone beyond the reasonably acceptable problems such as call drops - to actually being able to listen in on entire conversations between two complete strangers!

One such conversation which was thrust upon us prompted us to start this all-new feature: “Con-Call”. We kick off with the very same conversation, but we have no inkling when the next ‘eavesdrop’ will be reported; so keep checking this space!

Con-Call 1: Maa

This is a conversation we overheard between a mother and her son (whose voice had an uncanny similarity to that of a cricketer of (past) repute). While the conversation was in part Hindi & Punjabi, for the benefit of our global audience we have translated most of it:

UV: Hello... Maa?
Maa: Who is this?
UV: Maa, you too? Forgot me, what?
Maa: Kaun, UV? Beta, sorry, didn’t recognise... your voice... it sounds different. I don’t see you on TV nowadays, no? That’s why...
UV: MAA! What are you blabbering? If you don’t see me on TV, how does that make you forget MY VOICE?
Maa: Er... uh... nahi beta... duh... leave all this! But you do sound different – is everything alright?
UV: How will it be, Maa? I am no longer in the team, my chances of getting back in are looking bleaker as each test goes by... and they have demoted my status too! MAA...(commences to sob)
Maa: Now, now, son... get a grip on yourself. Big boys like you shouldn’t be crying! By the way, you aren’t talking about Priety’s team, are you?
UV: MAA! No, Maa... the Indian Team!
Maa: Oh... ok, I get it now! They demoted your status, matlab??
UV: Matlab, they moved me from Grade A to Grade B... I will get less money than some of the kids like Raina!
Maa: Will this impact your ad contracts?
UV: I suppose it will...
Maa: Oh, then it’s a big problem! But you are still in Priety’s team, no?
UV: She does not have a team now! Their team was thrown out of the IPL.
Maa: Oh my God, beta, now what are you going to do?? No ads, no Priety... this is big shit you are in, beta! What are you going to do now?
UV: I have to somehow get back into the Indian team, Maa. I was very hopeful of getting back in till the New Zealand series started. And I had a plan too... But I don’t know now... with all the dead pitches, everyone’s making runs by the tons...
Maa: But that boy, Raina... he didn’t score anything much in this series. So you may still have your chance again soon. What plan did you have in mind?
UV: Nahi Maa, the selectors will probably take him to South Africa and wait to see if he fails there... even then, there is Pujara waiting for a chance. My plan was to focus on another slot and I thought I had it under control. You see Maa, Bhaji’s bowling has been pathetic over the last year or so... and I was hoping to replace him for the SA tour as the lead spinner who can bat too – an all-rounder, you know. Now, that door’s closed too, with Bhaji scoring more runs than I ever did in one series!
Maa: Chalo, whatever’s happened, has happened... Now what?
UV: Dunno... I guess I will have to keep playing these silly domestic matches.
Maa: Hang on; the mention of Bhaji has sparked a thought... He has been going through bad bowling form for a long time, no?
UV: Yes... more than a year now, but he never lost his place in the team.
Maa: EXACTLY! Do you know why? You know beta, in our Ladies’ club, we discussed this few months back and all of us agreed it was part of team strategy.
UV: Team strategy??
Maa: Haan, team strategy! You see, we were playing a lot of matches against the Aussies and we needed someone who appeared as aggressive as them, who gave it back to them. It didn’t matter how well he played – he had to focus on being aggressive!
UV: Maa, what are you saying??
Maa: Listen, I am pretty sure my theory is right. Even that episode with Dumbo was a staged one... Why do you think Sachin fumbled during the hearing? We all know he is a bad actor, haven’t you seen his ads? He just forgot his lines; that’s all!
UV: Dumbo?? You mean Symmo, Maa?
Maa: Symmo, Dumbo, what does it matter - all same, same only... The point is it was fixed! Even slapping Srikkanth was pre-planned, to add to the aggressive image of Bhaji!
UV: MAA! Srikkanth nahi, Sreesanth... though I do wish you were right!
Maa: Jo bhi! But do you understand the theory now? It was part of strategy.
UV: Maa, even if I assume your theory to be true, what are you suggesting?
Maa: Get aggressive, beta! You see, now with Bhaji having scored 2 tons, he is going to take himself and his batting seriously – probably will start comparing himself to Kapil Paaji also – and he will not have time to do all those aggressive things. The team management will then start looking for another person to be the aggressor... even if he can’t bat or bowl to potential. In walks UV – taa, daa!
UV: Maa, it’s not that simple... even then, I can’t be doing all the silly things Bhaji did...
Maa: Don’t under-estimate yourself beta! You have it in you to hog the limelight for all the wrong reasons... er... I mean, for the aggressive acts. All you have to do is to get started – maybe by slapping someone.
UV: But whom? I don’t think Santh, dumb though he is, will agree to get slapped once more. Slapping Raina or Pujara – won’t have the same effect!
Maa: Maybe... your dad??? Just once?
UV: MAA! TUM BHI NA...! Waise, slapping Papa will not help – I will have to slap someone who is in the team.
Maa: How about Dhoni?
UV: (After long pause) Hmmm... that’s a thought. Waise, he has been struggling for runs too. Maybe the sympathy generated will help him keep his place too. I am sure he will agree to the plan!
Maa: Great! Get started right away, beta! Wish you the best!
UV: Thanks Maa! You have been very supportive – as usual. I will update you later... bye Maa!
Maa: Bye, beta!


by AM