Player Profile: Andrew Strauss

Andrew Strauss was one of the British airmen hiding in Rene Artois’ Inn, in ‘Allo ‘Allo! After his brief acting career, he started to play act as the English captain. He was responsible for Nasser Hussain’s retirement and is a much hated bloke in the Sky commentary box. The Sky boys accused in chorus, “it was bad enough seeing Nas’ back on the field, now we gotta see his front in the box”. To which Strauss smiled his half smile and uttered something under his breath.

Little is known of Strauss’ Machiavellian ways except that he is responsible for cleansing the team of Flintoffism, and its founding father, Andrew. Under Strauss’ reign the team was de-glamourised, and even wore uniforms on late night jaunts. Individualistic, Freddie like roars, and post-wicket romps on the field were frowned upon. It was best to smile, clap your hands, though a handshake and pats were acceptable.

Under Strauss, KP’s streaks suffered, as did his form. Whereas forgettable players, who put team before self, prospered. Trott, Collingwood, Cook, amongst his able lieutenants, were known to carry midnight purges on twitter and porn. 

In spite of himself, Strauss is a perfectly likable gentleman, and the best man to lead England. It’s a shame he’s being underutilized in sport. 10 Downing Street beckons.