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Cricket With Cheese: The England vs India Series: WAR-YAWN

by achettup

I don't know if anybody else noticed this, but ever since India topped the ICC test rankings, the rankings have been derided with scorn non-stop. Australia are now 5th in the table, which has meant most of Australia are now more interested in Rugby or Footy or whatever else, since cricket rankings just don't make sense. India, of course, old aging batting line-up that could never handle short pitched bowling complete with ineffective slow medium pacers, who have never toured well and relied on dustbowls to maintain a dominant home record (oh yeah,everybody else especially our upcoming challengers are so much better... more on this later!) simply cannot be number one. Yeah yeah, we've all heard this, whats your point.

Well, here's the thing. Just about everyone thinks the rankings are crap, but they want to play us (money money money, must be funny, in a rich man's world) and then they hype the series to claim its a challenge between the best two sides for the number one ranking. Ah, did you notice that? Think about it. Sri Lanka thought they deserved better than number two... where are they now again? Then South Africa thought their pace battery would crush us in Safferland... and could quite easily see their own faulty ICC ranking drop after this series. Just about the only side who didn't hype a series against us like so was... well the Windies, because that would just have been ridiculous. (We just beat the Windies 1-0 - 3 tests, two badly affected by rain denied us an outright 3-0 margin - away and were panned in the press for the margin... someone else toured there and lost 1-0 in a five test series... speaking of which - cue next paragraph).

And so we find the latest in this "the rankings are shit, but we're the best side and we'll beat India and prove it and the rankings will suddenly be alright" trash talking side, The England. The mighty mighty England. Complete with the ugliest batting line up known to mankind. If Cook, Strauss and Trott's batting doesn't bore you to death, you can be sure that overhyped, overrated (redundant twice, considering I'm talking about an English sportsperson) tool who is a contender for the most untalented muppet to have such a massive ego, KP will make you groan to death with his quips mid-series. Thats all England do actually. Talk. Graeme Swann and Anderson are on twitter yip yapping 24/7. "Oh look at me, I'm a national cricket and this is how witty I am on the field too."

So England think beating us in this series will make them the legitimate number one side in cricket. Because just before this series, rather curiously, the ICC ranking system was tweaked to actually allow them that scenario, because the previous one would have kept them were they belonged. And we all know what they would have done then, right. Thats right. Whined. Did I say all they do is talk. I meant, they whine. The only time they don't whine is when they're in the comfort of the surrounds of old blighty. Then they brag pre-series, disappear post series if they lose. If they win, their press goes overboard and they become members of the order, or whatever monarch inspired crap honor they call it. Because winning at home is so difficult. Touring is harder for England. Most of their best XI players didn't even show up in India until a few years ago (Gough hated it I think). Between homesick Harmlessone, Stresscothick (who couldn't even summon up the nerve to play us in the Somerset match) and Kevin-I'm only leaving the series midway because my family needs me for Christmas-Pietersen, we should be lucky they didn't send a side full of Saffers, Irish and... oh wait, they did? Well nevermind.

And will you just look at all the pre-series whines. "Oh my god, they've taken away DRS, those bloody scoundrels"... "OMG they want to sabotage and destroy English cricket by not sending their players over to our T20 tournaments"... Stop. Just stop. You know, England whine so much, that what they really need is cricket with cheese to go with all that whining. We should sprinkle motzarella or even that Amul processed cheese on the pitch before each of their batsmen make it to the middle.

We're winning this 2-1. In spite of their flat tracks and glorious weather. They'll probably take a 1-0 series lead. But never fear, it is but a part of the masterplan, in the grand scheme of things we plan to give them that high and then send them crashing to the lowest of lows. Which is why we've held back the reinforcements of Brigadier Sehwhack, aka General Jat(man). His cunning flank attack mid-series will send them scattering in disarray. What looked like a bunch of pussies too scared to go for a win, will suddenly transform into tigers who have cunningly tricked their prey into coming right where we want them. You see, there's brains behind the numbers. Sachin (Thank you! Thank you oh glorious Sachin) and Rahul have probably faced more balls than the entire English squad. And they've learned a lot too. Let that drunkard Fletcher act as though he's giving us "a massive edge." Let The England delude themselves into believing it.

Fact is, we've stayed number one longer than anybody anticipated, after taking the spot when no one thought we would in the first place. And we did it the hard way. We hardly lost any matches. And slowly and steadily we won series after series. We didn't win every single match. We didn't even win some of those matches too convincingly. We even looked in deep trouble in some of them. But then, there was always someone who stood up, whether it was Laxman and Ishant, or Che, or God himself, ZaK, even Freesanth, someone always delivered. We did what was needed, nothing frivolous. Target acquired, target destroyed. With just the right amount of ammunition, no wasting resources. And who do you think guided us all this way? This team has a strong core, and a wise core. People think this England side will test us, but I have no fear. 1-1 remains a possibility because of the weather, but otherwise the hosts are as usual overrated and ripe for the plucking. Don't worry Engerland, just treat it like a Wimbledon semifinal.


Govind Raj said...

Agreed... !

MouseMan said...

Ha ha. Awesome rant. Didn't understand the cheese thing though.........

Russ said...

I'd argue that the ratings, which have only existed for a half dozen years were ignored for as long as Australia was undisputed number one.

Ratings are like episodes of Family Feud.

You say "Australia", Ratings sayyyy... "Australia" ding ding ding.

Once the top few sides in the world were inseparable, it became a more difficult task.

You say "India by a nose", ratings sayyy "India by miles"... dup dummmmm

The rating system is crap, but it wasn't tweaked (conspiracy theorist much ach?). It was rolled over to the next year, which removed India's over-blown ratings from beating Australia when Australia were good in 2007/8. (You did read my knock-down of the ratings two years ago right? The one that said that would happen).

The ratings are crap. For all sorts of correct reasons (some not even related to India, Bangladesh gets caned by the system), and very few of the incorrect reasons people accuse India of (it's like noone actually works out how they work, then writes about them anyway. Bless the mathematically illiterate, they make life fun).

Realistically, if England and India played 100 times, both sides would win about 40% of the time. Anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding themselves (still, no shortage of people who do that is there?). Sometimes it is best to put away the rankings and ratings and just enjoy the cricket for the contest itself.

knowledge_eater said...

@ Russ I think Rating has given massive boost to Test Cricket, and it will continue to do so where it has to compete with other formats. People can make their own ratings and be subjective about it ... and I say that's where the fun is.

@Achettup welcome back. Pleasing to read your innovative and unique way of presenting your ideas and thoughts.

achettup said...

Cheers Govind Raj.

Thanks MouseMan... Whine and cheese parties, nobody does them better than the English, no?

Russ, are you serious? Do you honestly believe I was making a case for the ratings? All I was saying is that all the hullabaloo about the ratings being crap disappears when another side has the chance to scale the summit. And in anycase, this is a WAR-YAWN (c), raising the morale of the bored troops, when have any of those ever been based on accuracy and facts rather than working the crowd up for the battle ahead?

Cheers KE!

Russ said...

Ach, did I sound serious? I know you weren't making a case for the ratings; I was offering an alternative explanation for why India's over-blown rating was considered particularly rubbish: because it was. Until India wins definitively and for longer, unless they aren't in a position to lose the number 1 spot to good teams the ratings are rubbish. And also: who the f. cares. I rate teams more than anyone, but it is a mathematical wank. Let's enjoy the cricket for once, it should be a very good series (unless it rains).

Anonymous said...

Is the BCCI going to carry an overated player like Harbhajan Singh Plaha along with Yuvraj Singh and Zaheer Khan as passengers for the rest of the Tour .? They should be sent back and not travel with the team
2. Why we cannot find better and Fresh Commentators than Ravi Shastri ( Ravi Shastri Hai hai ) every time he speaks INDIANS when doing commentary a wicket falls ..He has been boring us since 91. and now getting crores from BCCI ...? All the egoistic and players with foot in mouth disease like Harbhajan should play ranji trophy compulsorily to come up again or be drooped. There should be gags on his FALTU statements ... and no ad endorsements ...only then will they improve