Bored Members - Guests | Media | White Bored | Interview | Bored Anthem - Songs | Boredwaani | Cartoons | Facebook | Twitter | Login

Inside Chris Gayle's strip club

by Gaurav Sethi

It's been reported that a cricketer has a strip club in his home. Who could this cricketer be?
You guessed right, it isn't Inzi. It isn't Rahane either. Chris Gayle said on Instagram: 

"From the pool to the strip club...if u don't have a strip club at home, U ain't a cricket 'Player' .. I always make sure my guest well entertained and feel like they are at home 😊 #LifeIsForLiving#DreamBig ✌🏿️"

It was only a matter of time, and invites to the cricket fraternity were dispatched. Players were curious, what exactly was home strip club etiquette? Virat Kohli, on receiving his invite, for once bordered on caution when he asked Gayle if he could bring his girlfriend along - "Can I bring A along bro?" Not one to dodge, Gayle snapped: "LOLZ And Bee, Sea and D yr own thing LOLZ... man, A can hang in the Ladyz Zone... I call it as I see it... Hunks on shore, lifeguard make ripples HUNKy DORy LOLZ". Virat gave it a thought and a smirk, his reply: "You're the man, bro". Gayle: "LOLZ I'm da Man, U a Man 2 LOLZ".

The invite to Rahane, brought in a late, well-considered reply: "Dear Chris, thank you for your kind invite. As you might be aware, I am recently married. My wife and I tend to bond over our off-the-field activities and though we will be on a Caribbean Cruise (after watching DDD), we will be unable to make it. Thanks so much, rgds, Jinx". Gayle: "LOLZ DDD LOLZ I saw that 2 Too much Hindi and Italian LOLZ."
Rohit Sharma replied to his invite after consulting Ravi Shastri. His reply: "Thanx Big man... Broman. Do I come in at 3 or 5 am?" Gayle: "Open house open strip club promote yourself up the order LOLZ". Ishant Sharma's reply: "Thanks Chris Bhai. Any head-banging activity, please advise". Gayle: "Yo Ishant Bhai, give head take head, heads you win LOLZ Not Sri Lanka this".
Other invites were sent too; the big day for the Indian team's arrival was here. At the entrance, Gayle had organised a strip search. There was a warning sign: Come armed with only your weapon. And another which suggested there was both rear and front entry. LOLZ was a common refrain on all communication. Gayle was out with the strip search party that only consisted of women. He advised his guests to, "Get frisky with a whiskey". Amit Mishra had a giggling fit when Virat ruffled his fast thinning hair and cracked a dirty Punjabi joke.
Once in the strip club, most of the Indians settled down with their Mojitos; Ishant with his Long Island Ice Tea, Ashwin his with Virgin Pina Colada, Shastri with a Double Caribbean Rum to which he added: "When in Roma have Rum-aah"; a few had paper napkins on their glasses. 
They were handed out a Multicuisine menu. Amit Mishra yelped, "Mughalai for me!" Virat read out the descriptor below Mughalai. It said "Tandoori hot legs and butter chicken boneless breasts - Punjabi pole dancer with Tadka". Everyone applauded Gayle for his details, who gave a sweeping bow: "As they say, Gayle is in the details". 
As the evening wore on, a somewhat sozzled Shastri took to the pole: "It doesn't always take a strip club to tell the men from the boys but thanks to Chris Gayle, a man amongst men, we now know who the real men are and who the pretenders are. Today you have here nine strapping Indian youths all of whom have nine strapping IPL contracts, each one better than the other, and a great future ahead of them. As I have always said, at night the big boys come out and play and there's nothing wrong for the cricketers to bond over some drinks and ladies of the night, as they say... and as I was saying Gayle, I would like you to join us in Mumbai at a dance bar so we can extend some of our cultural niceties to you... I can assure you, you will be well and truly bowled over". (by now the boys had started applauding Shastri) Some of them lifted him and started to carry him on their shoulders around the pole. The strippers sat back and watched the Shastri show. Gayle was the DJ, belting out Bollywood and reggae.
And just then MS Dhoni walked in with his able lieutenants, Suresh Raina and Ravindra Jadeja on either side. There was a stunned silence. Mocktails were served; Dhoni though took a tender coconut.
Virat: "Mahi bhai, do you always have to leave it for this late?"
Dhoni proceeded to play the last hit of the night, after which he uprooted the pole and left the party to a stunned silence.
Shastri: "A man's gotta go when a man's gotta go!"
Gayle: "And a man's gotta come when a man's gotta come LOLZ"
(However plausible this might sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)

First published here

No comments: