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Blowing Virat Kohli's mind to bits.

by Gaurav Sethi

With a top secret disclosure
Virat Kohli stretches, yawns and swears, almost simultaneously as he wakes up. He picks his phone from the bedside table, there's a message from Ravi Shastri: "See how sweetly he's sleeping 1F60A". Virat swipes his phone and is directed to the Nanny Cam app that is hooked up to the camera in Rohit Sharma's room. He replies to Ravi: "Even when he sleeps, he makes it look so effortless". Shastri: "Yes, bang on the money... He's sleeping like a million dollars!" Just as Virat is getting reeled into another ORD (Obsessive Rohit Disorder), Anushka appears from the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth and gurgles out "STOHP ITH NOWH". Virat smirks, that winsome boyish smirk, "Areh, stop what, was doing nothing yaar, you make it sound like I'm watching porn in the morning". Anushka: "WORSE!"
Anushka returns to the loo, finishes brushing, only to see Virat is at it again. She shakes her head and troops out - "I'm gonna get some breakfast, if you want to join me, you'll have to stop playing Rohit's aaya" Virat: "Not aaya yaar, it's nanny, you don't even know these subtle differences, and you call yourself an actress, have you even seenSound of Music, next thing you'll say Julie Andrews was an aaya".
Anushka returns - "I heard that... And I love that... So cute... I wanna do a musical with you one day, Virat... I think we'll be just great... Maybe Sound of Music only... In Hinglish". Virat -"Totally, I can be Captain Georg von Trapp or Kaptaan Jee van Tripathi..." Anushka - "Ha and Rohit can be one of the kids!"
Anushka and Virat are now at the hotel cafe for the breakfast buffet. They're joined by Ravi Shastri at their table. Shastri makes small talk with Anushka, asking if she slept well; when she enquires the same, the India team director booms: "After four large ones, I go out like a light." Ishant arrives, literally whacking his plate down emphatically. Virat is pleased, and thinks to himself: once you're aggressive, you're always aggressive, whether it 's eating or bowling. He says to Ishant- "Love the aggro yaar, can't wait to see you tear into that idli, go tiger". Ishant rips into the idli and starts to headbang a little, they all crack up at the table. Which is when a pouting Rohit Sharma arrives at the table - "Guys, how did I sleep, was I sleep batting last night?" Shastri: On the contrary, you slept like a baby, all the shots were played in your mind. Once your mind is at ease, you'll convert all those naps into big ones, just you wait and see, you're gonna smell the coffee.
Rohit agrees, he has indeed smelt the coffee, excuses himself to get a cappuccino.
As it's post match day, the team is taking it easy. Virat and Anushka are out sightseeing, accompanied by Shastri at a fair distance, almost like their discreet bodyguard. However, once Anushka gets stuck into some serious shopping, Virat and Shastri are united again. Shastri finally confesses to Virat: "Y'kno all along we've believed in Rohit's talent, flair and ability but was it correct to get him a private trainer who also had that much talent, flair and ability?"
Virat - "Ravi, sorry, but I don't know what you're saying..."
Shastri: "Let me be very honest with you, Virat... Years ago, when Rohit burst on to the scene, Sunny and I embarked on a Top Secret Mission with Rohit. It was almost like we were the IMF... The Impossible Mission Force... You've seen Mission Impossible, right?"
Virat: "Wow, this is so cool...please go on, I am all ears."
Shastri: "This is top secret and should not leave this room (looks around at the mall and rephrases) er... Go beyond you, my job with the BCCI depends on it. We employed Secret agent VK."
Virat: "VK? VK is me? When was I employed?"
Shastri: "Yes, VK is you but VK is also another player with the same flair, talent and ability as Rohit, only he had hit upon bad times, very bad times. And Sunny and I believed that he could be the go-to guy to save Rohit's talent, especially since he too was from Aamchi Mumbai."
Virat: "Please Ravi, who is this Agent VK... Don't tell me it's Vi..."
Shastri: "Yes, Virat... It's Vinod Kambli. We believed we needed to go left to get Rohit right."
Virat Kohli has suddenly gone pale. Just then Anushka walks out with her shopping bags.
Anushka: "Virat! You look like you've just seen a ghost..."
And as she says that, Vinod Kambli walks up from nowhere, greeting the three of them loudly. Hugs follow, only Anushka extends her hand.
Kambli: "Hi Ravi, how's Rohit's reverse sweep coming along? And his switch hit, wadaya say about that, boss? Haha!"
(However plausible this might sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)
First published here

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