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Showing posts with label Shahid Bhai. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shahid Bhai. Show all posts
Shahid Afridi's Attention Span
"Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! - I just called to say, I did it!"
Early morning, Aamer is gently knocking at a door. Inside Shahid Bhai has just woken up, he yawns, then realizes he should go the whole hog – so his yawn becomes one of his big celebratory stretches. Knocking continues, much harder now.
Shahid Bhai (mock sings a song): Who’s that girl?
Aamer (feigning a smile): It’s a boy…Shahid Bhai…I’ve been knock..(stammers) knock…knocking
Shahid Bhai (mock sings a song): Knock Knock Knocking on Heaven’s DOOR! Haha! Why here, you should Knock Knock Knocking on heaven’s door
Aamer (breaks down): Shahid Bhai…that’s why I come to your door…
Shahid Bhai: Areh, I’ve just checked in, who showed you the door?
Aamer: Yousuf Bhai, he walked with me here, and showed me the door
Shahid Bhai: OK, sit down, I need to do my stretches…
Shahid Bhai prances around the room, and stretches arms heavenwards in front of every available mirror.
Shahid Bhai (applying toothpaste): What good is the stretch without the smile…now my 4 minute teeth yoga
He starts to brush his teeth furiously, Aamer looks down at his fingers.
Aamer (whispers): It was..Butt...
Shahid Bhai (through the paste foam): But?
Aamer: Butt told me…to do…what I did…
Shahid Bhai (spurts out his rinse): What? Does anybody know?
Aamer: Everybody.
Shahid Bhai (mock sings again): I’ll always be the last to know
Aamer: Why are you singing so much Shahid Bhai?
Shahid Bhai: O’ nuthin yaar…yesterday I met Scott from Scotland Yard, and he said, be prepared the police is gonna make you sing like a canary….when that happens, I wanna be the best singer (prances around singing with an imaginary mic) like a bird on a wire....
The Return of Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai!
Shahid Bhai has barely disembarked from the plane when Kakmal pounces on to him, licking him from head to toe
Kakmal: Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai, whys did you leaves me this way, I can’t survive without your tender kiss
The rest of the hapless bunch jump up and shout in chorus
Chorus: So don’t leave me this way!!
Thought blurb appears over Shahid Bhai’s head
Shahid Bhai (thinking) Glad I retired from test cricket...
KAkmal is now carrying Shahid Bhai’s cricket kit on his head, like a coolie, his brother UAkmal holds on to the baggage
Ukmal: Shahid Bhai, you have a lotta baggage?!
Waqar and some of the Poms around crack up
Pom: Yeah, you can say that again…
Waqar (crying with laughter): Ukmal, hey, what’re you saying, you don’t say, baggage can mean so many things in so many different parts of the world
Shahid Bhai now in the team bus, Kakmal behind the wheel, and Ukmal has donned the conductor’s uniform
Shahid Bhai strikes his pose, stretches arms but then decides against it…he sits with Waqar
Shahid Bhai: We must ignore the shit and talk only about toilet paper
Everyone in the bus nods; Kakmal nods too, but as he still has Shahid Bhai’s kit on his head (even while driving) he drops the kit bang on to the windscreen, this obscures his vision completely, he loses control of the bus, the bus crashes into a wall
Kakmal is hysterical as he runs out to see the ruinous bus that has crashed into the outside wall of Lord’s
Kakmal: Bah! Bah! Waaah! Now who will fix it, who will fix it…
A 35 year old man of South Asian origin appears…
Man: Hi, I’m Mazhar, I can fix the bus for hundred and fifty thousand pounds…and to show you that, I will crash it again, at 3.03 pm, and then again at 10.06 pm…there will be two bowl...drivers that will crash the bus...the drivers on the morning shift...yeah, I can call them up...if you want...yeah, 3.03 pm...yeah, right, he Aam will drive at 3.03...yeah..
Shahid Bhai: Looks like shit, bring rolls of toilet paper...
And suddenly, everyone started to chant: Shite Bhai! Shite Bhai!
Shite Bhai strikes a brilliant pose, arms heavenwards, it was obvious he was back, ready to take the piss.
But ShiteBhai, What Would Imran Khan Do?
Well, Imran Khan appeared on twitter and laid the smackdown on ShiteBhai's ass:
Afridi should take on the captaincy challenge.Force himself to develop a defensive batting technique and bowl his fast leg breaks to contain
By running away from the leadership challenege Afridi would destabilise the team and do a huge injustice to is enormous God given talent
The responsibility of captaincy improved my batting From mid20s,my batting average went up to 50.To lead by example I had to develop defenceWell, Imran was always a dreamy idealist. Sometimes that can win you a world cup, sometimes that can mean trying in vain to turn around your country's fortunes over the last 15 years. Not that that is anything to be scorned at, one can only but salute the perseverance and determination of arguably the most respected Pakistani worldwide.
Its too late now. The entire world knows ShahidBhai is cricket's biggest captaining pussy since Kim Hughes [hah! see how I did that... well in keeping with Indian cricket bloggers attacking anything Australian or Pakistani right now!]
The Kamran Akmal Interrogation - An Exclusive
Kamran Akmal is being wired up by the polygraph test guys. His mouth appears even more swollen than usual. The Q & A session starts
Questioner 1: Did you intentionally drop those catches??
Kamran Akmal: Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai!
Questioner 1: Answer our question…did you…??
Questioner 2: Wait, the machine says that’s an honest answer
Questioner 1: Did you intentionally miss those stumpings??
Kamran Akmal: Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai!
Questioner 2: Bhai Wah! the machine says that’s also an honest answer
Questioner 1: Let’s see if you can dodge this one…
Kamran looks on nervously, his lips swell up some more…
Questioner 1: Did you intentionally miss the Michael Hussey run out in the Sydney test?
Kamran waits, doesn’t answer it…
Questioner 1: Did you…
Kamran Akmal: Well bowled Danish!
Questioner 2: Bhai wah! Once again that is the honest answer!
Kamran’s toothy grin becomes even toothier and the swelling subsides somewhat….
The return of Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai - The Big Ban
INT. SHAHID BHAI'S DINING ROOM - DAY
Bent back, almost parallel to the ground, much like Quasimodo, Kreeper runs into Shahid Bhai’s household –
KREEPER
you not believe unbelieveables newsesShahid Bhai lunching, seated at the head of the table, surrounded by Fans with banners that read Boom Boom! + Afridi for PCB captain + Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! you’re 2 sexy and other assorted suck-ups. Behind Shahid Bhai is a babe, a hark back to the Mughal times – she is feeding him grapes..
SHAHID BHAI
(his lips move but say nothing)Subtitles: Grapes are sour, puss…
He spits a grape out for his pussy cat – and then throws a roti in Kreeper’s direction, who pounces dog-like at it
KREEPER
kinda like it haha dats what they say down underSHAHID BHAI
(his lips move but we can’t hear what he’s saying)KREEPER
like coach saying, am getting deaf touch, what you sayingSHAHID BHAI
(speechless)KREEPER
Younis Bhai is Younis bye and MoYo bhai is Moyo Bye too, I’m feeling retired hurtThe fans at the table start shouting for Shahid Bhai, flashing posters, howling, as if he is coming in to bat. Shahid Bhai gets up stylishly albeit slowly, spits another grape at puss, flicks his hair back, hurls another roti at Kreeper (which he pounces at). He stands in front of the window so the sunlight lights him up, he then poses like only he can, arms outstretched as if he’s taken another wicket. And then he breaks his silence
SHAHID BHAI
I am speechlessHis fans at the table go delirious.
Song: It’s bye bye Mr MoYo bhai…Bye bye Mr Younis bhai…and good old bhais were drinking risky and hai singing this will be the day that I’ll be banned…this will be the day that I will be banned!
Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! - The Pose
EXT. SYDNEY CRICKET GROUND – EVENING
(The Pakistani cricket team in a huddle after an Aussie wicket – SHAHID BHAI is posing, arms raised)
KREEPER
Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! Shabash!
MOYO
What Shabash! He wasn’t even on the field when that wicket fell.
YOUNIS
(Beaming)
Haha! Why are you posing Shahid Bhai?
SHAHID BHAI
To celebrate your return Younis bhai.
KREEPER
No! No! Tell serious, why you posing, Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai!
(Umpire HILLYBILLY appears gesticulating wildly)
HILLYBILLY
Time! You can’t keep my Aussie masters waiting.
SHAHID BHAI
Go masturbate with them.
(The Pak team is in splits, the huddle disintegrates but Shahid Bhai maintains his balance)
KREEPER
(through his laughter)
Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! Why you posing??
(The Pak team is still in a heap, while Shahid Bhai! And Hillybilly! Are having a posing war)
HILLYBILLY
(outrageous animal and bird poses, along with the usual cricket signals)
Your turn!
(Shahid Bhai maintains his pose)
HILLYBILLY
(more dumb charades)
I give up, what’s with that pose, Shahid Bhai!
SHAHID BHAI
Everyone says Pak cricket stinks…
(The Aussie batsmen, press, crowd, everybody gathers around )
SHAHID BHAI (CONT’D)
I just want to spread some joy with my deodorant!
KREEPER
(Taking a deep breath)
Nice scent Shahid Bhai! Sha…
SHAHID BHAI
I am the King of the world.
(Everybody around strikes Shahid Bhai's pose, arms outstretched,
they sing together)
they sing together)
Chorus:
We are the Kings of the world!
Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai!
Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai!
Film opens on Shahid Bhai beaming, standing in his favourite position, arms outstretched as if he’s just bowled the IPL over. He’s lit in sunlight, with the sunbeams shooting past him. A telecast of the IPL auction is on.
Auctioneer: First up is a player we all know as Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai…his wicketkeeper often drops this name, not once but many times – you must have heard him squealing…Shahid bhai, Shahid bhai…for Shahid Bhai the base price is $ 250,000
Kreeper: Shahid bhai, Shahid Bhai...why so less Shahid bhai, Shahid bhai?
Shahid Bhai does not answer, he has that beatific look on his face, all teeth; air won’t pass, so how will an answer; but Kreeper is relentless, and asks again and yet again, Shahid Bhai finally relents
Shahid Bhai: Areh you stupids, I’m confident
Kreeper: But Shahid bhai, Shahid bhai why so less
Shahid Bhai: I likes it less…I likes my age less too
Kreeper: Haan Shahid Bhai, Sh…
Shahid Bhai: So age is less so price is less so I am confident
Kreeper: Ok Shahid bhai, sh…
Auctioneer: Allrounder Shahid Bhai, base price of $250,000, captain of the Bhais, do I hear…
Shahid Bhai: What he can’t hears…I’m confident I hears 250000 dollars
Kreeper: Yes Sha’bhai, Sha’bhai I dids too I dids too
Auctioneer: Er..well, no takers for Shahid Bhai
Shahid Bhai: What? How? I will takes myself…CALL NOW! I will BUY ME!!
Auctioneer: Shahid Bhai is unsold, moving on to…
Shahid Bhai in a fit of rage lifts Kreeper and hurls him at the TV
Auctioneer: Oh look, our next player is Kreeper….
Fade to black, the song Shahid bye, Shahid bye plays on
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