India won… but only just!

Yes, India won -- but actually it almost lost -- the 2nd Test Match (2010) against South Africa at Kolkata’s Eden Gardens because of three reasons:

1. a ‘Pundit’
2. a major dose of ‘Vitamin C’
3. a chaotic, leftist manipulated megacity named ‘Kolkata’ (Calcutta)

Let me explain the above points in some detail:

Point #1 – the “Pundit” angle:

1. Ishant Sharma (IS) is a “Sharma” and a “Sharma” originated from a “Shaman”, a “Pundit” (Priest to the Hindus) by definition. He isn’t a born bowler, believe me. He just picked it up along the way like all Pundits pick up things during their lifetime.
2. IS, by tradition is not allowed to consume flesh (that said, he may of course inhalate, copulate, consummate women!!). Not eating meat, which we all know is full of proteins and helps power our muscles, is a great deterrent to his bowling. Do note that we do not quite get the same power from eating similar quantities (weight/ volume) of “Daal” (Pulses) in a fully vegetarian diet. This definitely is a disadvantage – do compare IS’s thighs to those of Shoaib Akhtar (The Rawalpindi Express), Pakistan’s beef-eating super-fast bowler.
3. IS believes so much in his Hindu Gods & Goddesses that he always has 4-6 “Malas” (Chains) around his neck. Some even are of the “Kavaj” variety, i.e. contain magical mixtures of some “Jari-Bootis” (Herbs) in a cylindrical little container, all in the hope that his performance [finally] improves, which it did not.
4. IS almost bowled India out of the match!

i.) Where IS should have helped build pressure on the batsmen, he bowled balls far too wide and not at all up to the bat. Not inducing, forcing strokes by the batsmen clearly also implied that no mistakes could be made by them. They remained comfortable at the crease and Bored the hell out of the Cricket Crazy Indian fans – the BCC!

ii.) Where IS should have constrained the batsmen, he bowled no-balls -- one after the other he did just that (9 in all). Yes, India had runs to play with but also not that many and could have beaten South Africa by a much greater margin that the “Innings and 6 Runs” loss of the first test match in Nagpur.

(Note on Amit Mishra:  Mishra’s too are “Pundits” and no surprises here, he too bowled many a no ball – also 9 in all! Ever heard of a spinner doing that?) 

Point #2 – the “Vitamin C” angle:

5. Hashim Amla (HA) is a muslim for which we love him, just as we would another human being or a fellow Hindu BUT he had Vitamin C[ricket] gunning for him – and that was an unfair advantage for team South Africa against India. Mind you, “Amla” (the Hindustani Gooseberry) is very, very rich in Vitamin C… indeed it is. Whatever, great to see Hashim not hash it up for South Africa but more so, fight like a “Pashtoon” or “Pathan” would.

(At this stage Pakistan must be wondering why he’s not playing for them!)

6. There is also the HA and the “Proteas” angle. I am clearly referring to an Australian conspiracy to get India off the ‘No. 1 Test Team’ spot as soon as possible. You may also call it the ‘Gondwanaland Connection’ between South Africa and Australia. They used powders from the Proteas flowers to almost dope the Indians into submission. Check out more on Wikipedia.

Point #3 – the “Kolkata” angle:

7. West Bengal’s politically orchestrated weather almost did India in. It rained and was overcast at the wrong time (Day 4 in particular). Actually, there are no surprises here:  The West Bengal Government is behind even this attempt to boycott. They specially sent Jyoti Basu up very recently to organize this, all in an effort to remove even cricket from the state… what with the TATAs having shown the way out?! Let’s just call it an environment not quite conducive to cricket anymore.
8. Saurav Chandidas (Dada) Ganguly was seen at this match on Day 3 but not thereafter. Why? Think about it! Contemplate what he was doing there? He had not been seen for over a decade in the stands, amongst the public, at a game where he himself was not involved. What’s the deal? Was this a recce mission of a kind??
9. Kolkata’s Eden Garden presented a great pitch and for the first time commentators (Sunil Gavaskar & Co.) even discussed giving the Curator (Prabir Mukherjee) of the pitch the “Man of the Match Award”. You see, all this took away from the game -- the Indians lost their concentration and contemplated for far too long if that even was a possibility. In the end the curator and his workers didn’t even get “Bakshish” (a tip).

Let me note at this stage that it was a good match with many a fabulous century scored (7 in all), a good wicket, excellent umpiring (Ian James Gould) but you see -- it had other angles to it as well. Like all things in India, there’s always another way of looking at what transpired and in that very light let’s look at some of the possibilities:

I hear that India won by bribing someone towards the end of that last drink’s break. It is known to have been initiated with the following line: “Bahoot denge, bass, abh out hojao, yaar!” (We’ll give you plenty but do get out fellas!)

OR

Was it just the Indian Terminator Harbhajan Singh’s killer instincts and his great desire for another 5-wicket haul at the Eden Gardens? Did we just need another “Sardarji” (Sikh man from Punjab) to intervene and get some sense hammered into it all on Bengali soil -- all just to retain the number 1 slot in the ICC (International Cricket Council) rankings?

I say: “Bach gaye, bachoo!” (Got saved this time!).

One will never know!

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by Ajoy Eric Lal