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It's wrong to say India was knocked out by Sri Lanka. India was knocked out by India. This the seniors back home know only too well, when contacted Kumble said in his typical strong jawed manner, "there was only one team not playing cricket". When reminded that Australia was not part of the tri-series, Kumble hung up.
Tendulkar was kinder when he said, "the boys need our support and I'm sure they'll bounce back." When reminded that these boys will not get a chance to bounce back as the seniors will take their place, Tendulkar hung up.
MS Dhoni stopped his bike in mid-air to answer our phone; he cracked a few jokes, but blamed Nohit Sharma's run-out for the defeats. He further added that Nohit once ran him out and he had not forgotten. When informed that Nohit's twin tons were the only positives from the series, MSD hung up.
Ganguly said that if MS Dhoni is a bit of a gambler, then Suresh Raina is a bit of a gamble. He added that not opening with Yusuf Pathan (as mentioned in his column repeatedly) was a gamble worth taking. When informed that Yusuf Pathan's mastery of the short ball was worse than his, he hung up.
Dravid refused to comment, when reminded that it was high time he said something, he hung up.
Cheeka rambled - "IDunnoWaatToSayWeNeedMaybeMoreCSKPlayersHahahaAfterAllTheyAreWhatYouCallItTheChampionsOfHahahaAndTheBestInTheCountryHahaIWillSpeakWithSriAndSeeIfWeCanPlayHaydosHaha! Which is when we hung up.
Proof that our seniors are hung up
After Thank You Sachin, what next?
Saurav and Sachin are talking on the phone. While Saurav is in his tub playing with a rubber duck, Sachin is leafing through a coffee table book titled Thank You Sachin!
SAURAV: Thank you Sachin!
SACHIN: I-LA! How did you know I was reading that?
SAURAV: Are you? I want to thank you for not playing today…resting Zaks, Bhajji, Polaroid..
SACHIN: Polaroid bole toh?
SAURAV: Pollard…Polaroid…kya instant mein develop ho jata hai!
SACHIN: Good joke! I will share it during a team meeting…Pollard Polaroid…yess..
SAURAV: Bravo bilkul bewakoof – what he says nobody understands, so your team was in total disarray baba…bilkul beautiful…thanks again…means a lot to me to go out on a winning note…next year ka chance strong hai…and Eden crowd baba…too much
SACHIN: Bravo says even he can’t understand what he says…I-LA! What was that?
SAURAV: Oh, I just squeezed the rubber duck…
SACHIN: WTF?
SAURAV: Sorry Sachin…mistake..
SACHIN: What an idea, sirjee…Sorry Sachin…new campaign, coffee table book ka…Tharoor, Modi all apologising to me…
Just then, door swings open and Bhajji barges in
BHAJJI: Sorry Sachin...I just had to see you now
Toxic Prince 2
Act 1 -
All hail the prince. Icon-cricketer. Son of the soil. Captain of the franchise.
Act 2 -
Prince past prime. Prince underperforms. Team underperforms. Team sulks & sucks. Aussie coach unhappy. Owners unhappy. Aussie coach convinces owners to dump captain. Prince loses captaincy. Team wicketkeeper made captain.
Act 3 -
Prince past prime. Prince continues to underperform. Team continues to underperform. Team still sulks and sucks. Aussie coach still unhappy. Owners still unhappy. New captain's batting also sucks. Prince also sulks.
And we are not talking about Ganguly, Buchanan, SRK or McCullum! It is a uncanny almost surreal parallel. Delicious. Can wait for Act4 - episode 1025.
I watch IPL because it beats any other soap. Of course it is not for the cricket, silly!
By Anonymous
Toxic Prince.
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, the Dormouse ask Alice "That begins with an M, such as... muchness - you know you say things are 'much of a muchness' - did you ever see... a drawing of a muchness?"
His ‘muchness’ is fast disappearing, but that’s not such a worry. The spoilt brat of India cricket, Yuvi, aka Yuvraj, aka, Crybaby No 1, is now turning toxic. Much like his mentor, the imperious Sourav Ganguly aka Lord Snooty, Yuvraj has decided that the best way to regain his captaincy is to behave like a perfect ass, bat like a donkey, field like a khachar, and bray like a mule. His only redeeming feature at present being is pie-chucker variety of bowling. Go figure!
All this is not such a worry for Team India as other exciting is fast emerging, but is proving to be a REAL concern for Preity’s team. It is clearly sucking the life-blood out of King’s Eleven Punjab. Sack the bugger or, if you don’t want to hurt the poor mama’s boy’s feeling for fear that me might burst in tears and flood the playing area, somebody trip on his bad knee during practice. Get him out of the team or start mapping KKR’s 2009 journey.
Forget about his transgressions, like security breach, indiscipline etc. These are minor issues. The problem is attitude and this must be dealt with square on. One reverse sweep against Murali does not count for much.
The Punjabis and the country deserve much better than a sulking hulk pretending to be a cricketer.
By Daman
Uncensored, and not on TV.
KKR vs MI, from back to front, how it panned out -
Dada played fine leg, Tendu plays third man.
Saurav's one-handed catch:
That ball must not have been travelling
A Haharsha catch
Ishant after being bashed around:
"Ek aur nahin karoonga"
Response to Sehwag's tweet
So is KKR RT @sehwagvirender: Supporting MI.
When the MI batsmen call 2, the KKR fielders call 4
Lovely angles and ungals from Tendu - dada feeling much fingered
All the fielders look like Dada, the rolls, somersaults, extra effort where none is needed
Dravid to Sachin - "No, no, no you can't unretire from intl. T20s, you're not Pak..."
Kumble on today's game: Only one team was playing cricket
KKR strat - let's play out Bhajji, Malinga, Zaks, Mc...
Why doesn't Bhajji bowl like this for the other Indians
Ganguly attempts the chinese cut; instead some sushi
Keeeper appealing enthusiastically to make up for earlier lapses. smart.
MI strategy: choke the off side runs, bowl a wide legside line
With that haircut, Shikhar Dhawan really should play more
Remarkable, Dada clears the 30 yard circle and a boundary in front of square - on the on
Ok, let's swap the fineleg fielder with the keeper
Dravid: On the legside first there's the devil, then there's dada
For Dada four finelegs pls.
Also, gng by the Karbonn ad, Viru now needs a laugh transplant
You can follow BoredCricket on twitter here
Achettup's Moment of The Opening IPL Match
It was a strange match, exciting but not thrilling and almost anticlimactic towards the end. It was an upset alright, but perhaps more because Deccan threw the game away than Kolkata winning it. There were plenty of dropped catches, sixes and dot balls and excellent patient innings from Angelo Matthews and Owais Shah before they plundered 70 odd runs off the last five overs. Then there was Gilly's assault... there were the cringe-inducing strokes by the rest of the Deccan batsmen... But the moment that stood out to me is one we should all be sick of...
Just how much cricket have India and Sri Lanka played in recent times? I've lost count but "too much" seems like a fine alternative. And then when Chaminda Vaas dismissed Tiwari, it seemed we were seeing Ind vs SL all over again... retro this time with Vaas bowling to Ganguly in the first over of the match... and three balls later Vaas got his man for a duck... but for a change I didn't feel like kicking the tv or the sofa or whatever... it didn't matter, and it was nice in a way to see Ganguly dismissed by Vaas and not feel affected one little bit by it... maybe even letting a small smile break on my lips.
Holi with Lord Snooty!
 |
| Assault on the brat |
Even from 50 ft away, they sound more like rock filled balloons than water carriers. SMACK! WHACK! SHACK! FACK! He knocks each one of his water slaves. His target is true, even if he isn’t.
 |
| Attack from close range |
Will they be part of some cricket team – don’t see them get any run-outs. Except from handshake distance, that’s when they inflict some damage on the brat.
 |
| Snooty being splashed |
India won… but only just!
- a ‘Pundit’
- a major dose of ‘Vitamin C’
- a chaotic, leftist manipulated megacity named ‘Kolkata’ (Calcutta)
- Ishant Sharma (IS) is a “Sharma” and a “Sharma” originated from a “Shaman”, a “Pundit” (Priest to the Hindus) by definition. He isn’t a born bowler, believe me. He just picked it up along the way like all Pundits pick up things during their lifetime.
- IS, by tradition is not allowed to consume flesh (that said, he may of course inhalate, copulate, consummate women!!). Not eating meat, which we all know is full of proteins and helps power our muscles, is a great deterrent to his bowling. Do note that we do not quite get the same power from eating similar quantities (weight/ volume) of “Daal” (Pulses) in a fully vegetarian diet. This definitely is a disadvantage – do compare IS’s thighs to those of Shoaib Akhtar (The Rawalpindi Express), Pakistan’s beef-eating super-fast bowler.
- IS believes so much in his Hindu Gods & Goddesses that he always has 4-6 “Malas” (Chains) around his neck. Some even are of the “Kavaj” variety, i.e. contain magical mixtures of some “Jari-Bootis” (Herbs) in a cylindrical little container, all in the hope that his performance [finally] improves, which it did not.
- IS almost bowled India out of the match!
- i.) Where IS should have helped build pressure on the batsmen, he bowled balls far too wide and not at all up to the bat. Not inducing, forcing strokes by the batsmen clearly also implied that no mistakes could be made by them. They remained comfortable at the crease and Bored the hell out of the Cricket Crazy Indian fans – the BCC!
- ii.) Where IS should have constrained the batsmen, he bowled no-balls -- one after the other he did just that (9 in all). Yes, India had runs to play with but also not that many and could have beaten South Africa by a much greater margin that the “Innings and 6 Runs” loss of the first test match in Nagpur.
- (Note on Amit Mishra: Mishra’s too are “Pundits” and no surprises here, he too bowled many a no ball – also 9 in all! Ever heard of a spinner doing that?)
- Hashim Amla (HA) is a muslim for which we love him, just as we would another human being or a fellow Hindu BUT he had Vitamin C[ricket] gunning for him – and that was an unfair advantage for team South Africa against India. Mind you, “Amla” (the Hindustani Gooseberry) is very, very rich in Vitamin C… indeed it is. Whatever, great to see Hashim not hash it up for South Africa but more so, fight like a “Pashtoon” or “Pathan” would.
- (At this stage Pakistan must be wondering why he’s not playing for them!)
- There is also the HA and the “Proteas” angle. I am clearly referring to an Australian conspiracy to get India off the ‘No. 1 Test Team’ spot as soon as possible. You may also call it the ‘Gondwanaland Connection’ between South Africa and Australia. They used powders from the Proteas flowers to almost dope the Indians into submission. Check out more on Wikipedia.
Point #3 – the “Kolkata” angle:
- West Bengal’s politically orchestrated weather almost did India in. It rained and was overcast at the wrong time (Day 4 in particular). Actually, there are no surprises here: The West Bengal Government is behind even this attempt to boycott. They specially sent Jyoti Basu up very recently to organize this, all in an effort to remove even cricket from the state… what with the TATAs having shown the way out?! Let’s just call it an environment not quite conducive to cricket anymore.
- Saurav Chandidas (Dada) Ganguly was seen at this match on Day 3 but not thereafter. Why? Think about it! Contemplate what he was doing there? He had not been seen for over a decade in the stands, amongst the public, at a game where he himself was not involved. What’s the deal? Was this a recce mission of a kind??
- Kolkata’s Eden Garden presented a great pitch and for the first time commentators (Sunil Gavaskar & Co.) even discussed giving the Curator (Prabir Mukherjee) of the pitch the “Man of the Match Award”. You see, all this took away from the game -- the Indians lost their concentration and contemplated for far too long if that even was a possibility. In the end the curator and his workers didn’t even get “Bakshish” (a tip).
KhufiaBaaz:The reason behind the Bangladesh tri series.
Unreasonable as it sounds, there is a reason for the tri series between India, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh. Every year, this is the peak season for the influx of Bangladeshi illegal immigrants into India. Estimates put the figure at up to three to four times more than other months. While India’s border security has been hoodwinked, time and again, it was the BCCI who took matters in their own hands and called for another meaningless one day series. Once the series is on, no Bangladeshi sports’ fanatic (they compromise over 97% of such immigrants) can afford to risk capture on the border, thereby missing their team play a one-dayer against their stronger neighbours. Saurav Ganguly, who enjoys Demigod status in these parts, claims, once the IPL is on, and his team, the Kolkata Knight Riders plays, the numbers of illegal immigrants could further drop. The illegal immigrants were not available for comment.
When the Sanaths go marching in.
I want to be in that number. Who wouldn’t want to open with Sanath – Atapattu aside, I can’t think of anyone.
Just look back, they say it’s twenty years of Sanath Jayasuriya, I say it’s more than that. At least 40. Then they say that’s his age, but I say he’s been playing international cricket ever since he was a little cricket nymph. Bonking balls over third man till there was no man in sight; Sanath is the man who made averages redundant; he’s the guy who gave strike rates a new meaning in one day cricket. He made an average of 30 inconsequential because it came at a strike rate of 90.
It’s taken Indian cricket a decade to decode that – through Sehwag’s slump, they spoke of his 20s and 30s; not once did they mention his stratospheric strike rate. The media which sucks up to Sehwag now, are the same guys who did him in a few years back – when it came down to a toss-up between Ganguly and Sehwag, they conveniently positioned Dada’s 10k runs against Viru’s lesser numbers.
Talking of numbers, I’m going to toss Sanath’s ODI numbers alongside Viru’s – their batting averages are similar (32 and 34); strike rates (91.2 and 102.9). While Sanath’s 91 is snappy, seeing as he’s been playing since Sachin (1989); the 100 plus is Sehwag’s ode to one day cricket in the 2000s. Indian cricket though, refused to look beyond the 30 something average; must make them happy it’s shot up from 32 to 34 in the last year or so.
Now chew on the bowling numbers: identical strike rates of 46. This is how it works: Sanath strikes every 46 balls, and as if in solidarity so does Sehwag. Economies are on the higher side, but then if they like smashing bowlers, there’s no reason they won’t want to get smashed themselves: each ball’s a tequila-shot for these guys.
While Sanath stops, hops, bowls, claps for the ball to be returned for a possible run-out; Sehwag resembles one of those canny kids bowling off spin in a Dilli maidan. I can go on about their bowling averages (36 and 40), economies, but frankly there’s no point to it. One bowls much less than the other; plus there are always some ribald jokes to be had. Hats off!
dada is back... take a shot...
what is he saying to buchanan as a parting 'shot'...?
KhufiaBaaz: Saurav should have scored more IPL runs
It’s still not over for Ganguly and the 2011 World Cup – there’s IPL3, and luckily for him it will be held in India. A good showing there, top of the order, and he could be in the running for 2011, also to be played in the sub-continent. This of course does not mean that VVS Laxman harbour hopes to play the World Cup. For right now he can’t even play in his IPL team.
KhufiaBaaz (with inputs from FIP) : KKR are now Khufia Knight Riders!
Look how they have borrowed my name…but such are their Khufia ways, what else can you call them? All of IPL 2, they worked on more gossip and less cricket. You know, without KKR there would have been no Fake IPL Player. KKR is the reason why Indian cricket has become bakwaas, Filmfare type magazine. All KKR does is sell newspapers, and their t-shirts. They are a blot on the cricket landscape, and we love them for that. They are the kind of team that will wash their dirt chaddis in public! Wah KKR, DOUBLE WAH WAH!!
Last year you all know what happened with son of soil, Saurav, how they humiliated him, just to get eyeballs or get him by the balls, I ask you? And to suck up to the goras, all that has been documented well. But now see, IPL season is more than 7 months away and they have started their regular bullshit again. Saurav captain and all that! I ask you, if Saurav is not captain, who will be –Fake IPL Player? And why will Ricky Ponting come to play – nobody wants him anyway, that’s why the IPL humiliated him in the first place, to pay peanuts for him. In a way, IPL cut Ponting to size, he will never play IPL, and nobody gives a damn.
The truth is, that’s what screwed his form, boss. Ponting never came to terms with his lack of worth, and Indian cricket in one single swoop KHALAAS kiya! Ha! What about McCullum, he wants to stay back too – areh, how can he show his face after how he fcked up last time, at best he can be some Christchurch ka captain or whatever! Aur Vettori, please don’t come too, because Delhi will not play you chashmoo. If you are played, then you are just smashed around for 6s by Yusuf. Anyway, Amit Mishra is miles ahead of you in IPL.
The week it was…
Strange last 7 days it has been for world cricket. There have been certain things that happened which nobody could ever have imagined.
No, not Bangladesh blanking the duplicate Westindian team
Not the (latest) winningest position Pakistan are at, from where they could scrape through some dead rubber
Not England, not Freddie, not Achilles or Pietersen and not anything at all to do with the elated English cricket establishment.
Oh, all the not’ would be naught’ if I forgot to mention that I am not talking about Ponting’s humility accepting a defeat
So what am I talking about ?
There was this ICC Centenary History Conference that happened in Oxford. There were some known names like Clive Lloyd, Sunil Gavaskar, Bob Willis, Angus Fraser & Ehsan Mani. Some not so known names like Roger Knight (Ex-Secretary MCC), David Richards(ICC’s first CEO), Rachael Heyhoe-Flint (Ex-England women’ captain), Charlotte Edwards & Ebony Rainford-Brent (current England women’ team), a group of journalists and one name which people in the cricketing cricles would run away from, Bishen Singh Bedi.
Bedi participated in a discussion (really ??) with Lloyd. The most surprising thing is that there is no mention of what Bedi spoke in this conference in any of the sites I searched for. I am sure Clive Lloyd outspoke the acerbic tongued Sardar.
Who would have imagined this ?
Well all this apart, who would have imagined that they would waste days discussing about the history of this great game in the last 100 years ?
Simple & uncomplicated history this great game is, one could finish telling the story in just three lines. Yes I am not joking.
“A game invented by the English
Played by champion Westindies & Australian teams (pepper it with other countries if you like !!)
Taken over completely by the Indian money managers”
Long live this great game !!
Long live the money & its Indian managers !!
John Buchanan: The juicy bits and prejudiced opinions
We are a bit emotional, that is part of our sub-continental DNA I presume.
This time around I don’t think Buchanan has said anything wrong, or for that matter there is nothing new in what he has said.
When he says Sachin is too old for the new format, there is nothing wrong, this is not something we don’t know. How many of us were WOW-ed by the way Sachin batted during the IPL ?
How many of us think Gavaskar is an unbiased, open minded person ? I am sure we would all stand up with respect the moment this name is mentioned when it comes to playing cricket.
But at the same breath many of us still remember things like (even if it was a rumour, it wasn’t refuted at any point in time) “Gavaskar might not play in Eden Gardens even if India progresses to the final of the 1987 world cup finals” Why because someone let a dog (which I think Gavaskar is paranoid about) into the field when he was batting or someone booed him.
This is the same guy who sometime later packed his son off to the same Koltata to play cricket. A land he proclaimed he would never venture to play again. Of course we can be a bit hypocritical and say he didn’t, only his son did !!
About Yuvraj Singh, the accusation that he leaves his kits and trash behind to be cleaned up by someone else is not new. We have heard it before also, the Indian cricketers become too big after a couple of good matches. They then need people to assist them on everything including wiping their backsides.
Tell me why a team would need a logistics manager in the forefront ? Have you seen a logistics manager of any other team smiling ear to ear for photographs once his team wins a match ? Such is the comfort our cricketers live in.
So what is wrong in Buchanan’s words there ?
And Yuvraj, we have read about his attitude (towards cricket and also other things). So why are we perturbed when a westerner says something about what we already know ?
And Pieterson, is he Saint Peter ? A man who wants a two day off in the middle of a tour to watch his wife dance in a reality show, a man who cares more about IPL than Ashes, a man who vacationing in his native South Africa taking potshots at his own coach who was nowhere in the picture, a man who tried mustering support among players to ouster a coach he didn’t like. The list will go on.
And Harbajan, do we really need an introduction about him ?
Shoaib Akhtar ??
Let us not form prejudiced opinions even before the book is out and we read at least a page of it. All we see now are excerpts or juicy bits, which our journalists think would get them maximum eyeballs.
In my opinion finally Buchanan has made some sense, let’s hope he has. This we would know only when we read his book in its totality.
John Buchanan Cannot let India Go
What exactly is John Buchanan's problem?
Phoren Baba's chasing him... Again !!
It was roughly a week ago when we figured that Anil Kumble & Saurav Ganguly would be part of the World Cup T20 commentary team.
Kumble has kept us entertained through the initial round robin matches. But did we take some timeout to think about our dear Dada ??
Where is he ? Why are we not hearing his voice yet ?
When are we going to listen to his "a wink a word" style of speech ??
Bored is in possession of some (interesting) inside information on why we still don't have Dada winking at us.
Yes, it is the Phoren Baba's in action again. Sources close to Dada suspect that a former coach of the Indian cricket team who asked him to explore life outside cricket might be one of the reasons. He might be the secret scheduler who allots commentators matches and airtime. And it is he and his coterie who have deliberately kept Dada out of the team.
But Dada is confident that he would find his second life in IPL.
Yes, next year they are going to test a revolutionary format in IPL. The players would be the commentators, all the ex's in the box would be moderators who would enable the players to comment from the ground.
So you would be able to hear Dada saying "That was a very tough catch, I tried my level best but couldn't hold on to it. But cricket is a team game, the other guys too should raise up to the occasion and win matches for us", and that too live as he drops
