India’s winning strategy for the Nagpur test.

Seeing as the Saffers are chokers, start the test on the fifth day. Impossible? Sachin will tell you, Impossible Is Nothing. So by all means start the game on the first day but let the pitch resemble a fifth day wicket.

Contact the Kotla hands for Nagpur, they’ll arrange it. Provide them with some A-Grade grass, to smoke. Venture forth into the most barren place on earth, ask them to recreate that at Nagpur. Cracks big enough to slide into.

If you win the toss, bat first, bat big, bat once – bat till lunch. Seeing as this is basically a fifth day pitch, you don’t want to bat in the last two sessions. If this game goes into the 2nd day (which will be like the 6th day) Sangakkara will ask for it to be abandoned.

If however you lose the toss, hoodwink SAF into fielding first – ask the curators to leave some of their A grade grass on the pitch.