WHERE. IS. CHE. PUJARA?

As I write, India have just lost Yuvraj Singh and are in trouble in the 2nd ODI against England, at my hometown Kochi. Yuvraj was perhaps unlucky, but he benefited from a poor decision earlier when he edged the ball to the keeper off Woakes. The top four have all struggled, as they have since the Pakistan series. Poor form, poor technique, troubled atmosphere in the dressing room... it doesn't matter, India aren't fielding their best team, so why is anyone surprised? The excuses for keeping Cheteshwar Pujara out of the team are almost as mind-boggling as the decision to bring RP Singh back into the squad during that disastrous tour when things started going downhill.

Che is in form. Most of the players in this team are not. They say Che doesn't fit in. Yet in an almost identical side they went to great lengths to fit Nohit in the squad. They say Che is a test player, in the Rahul Dravid mode. Yet like Rahul (who scored a 50 in 22 balls in an ODI), Che recently accelerated from 150 to 200 in 17 balls. And what sort of ridiculous argument is that anyway? Dravid was one of the greatest ODI players, and before you scoff, hear me out.

The man has over 10,000 runs in ODI cricket, one of only 10 players to have reached that mark. That he managed in it a side that had two others who achieved the feat in the same era, and lest it be forgotten they had the best positions in the team to take advantage of that opportunity, makes it all the more incredible, though to be fair there were a ridiculous number of ODIs back then. Dravid gave the team excellent stability and played the ideal foil for more flamboyant batsmen around him, as can be seen from the record partnerships he shared with them.

Of course, none of this is to say Che is the next Dravid etc, just to say that because you feel he is similar and so he doesn't fit in the ODI squad, is plain ridiculous, especially when you look at the new rules in ODIs. Che is one of three players in the squad who plays the pull shot decently, the other two being Dhoni and Yuvraj. I'm not sure what value India hope to get out of Jadeja and Ashwin (Ojha has successfully been sidelined while the erratic expensive Mishra gets a call, seriously wtf is going on?) at 7 and 8, but if they are going to play bits and pieces cricketers, they might as well try proper batsmen in the top six. Batsmen in form.

At the moment you couldn't buy form for Gambhir or Rahane. And honestly, Gambhir has been woeful for almost a year and a half, he's played a few gritty innings, but he isn't the free-flowing batsman he once was. You really don't wan to be wasting a spot at the top of the order, you want your best batsmen opening in ODIs, thats what we've always done. Dhoni is our best ODI batsman, but he'd never open, as it is people are saying he's over-burdened, so the natural choice is promoting Kohli to an opening batsman. Che easily slots into this squad.

Gambhir, Dhoni and Yuvraj are all 31 going on 32. Sehwag is 34. Their experience might come in handy in Australia when we look to defend the world cup two years down the line. But that squad cannot afford to be carrying passengers. And it cannot afford to be carrying debutants. Bored members Naked Cricket and Straight Point were shouting themselves hoarse for Che's inclusion into the test side a year and a half before he finally got the opportunity. When Che was finally given the chance, he replaced a struggling Dravid at No.3 and brought confidence to a difficult chase. The team is running out of excuses for picking the likes of Ashwin, Nohit, Jadeja, Gambhir and has no valid reason for keeping Che out. When will they finally give him the chance in ODIs?

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Six Point Plan For India

The following is a six point plan India can use to win the first test:

1. Show up for days 2 and 3
2. (i) Learn 10 saffer swear words (ii) Make a point of saying one of them to each of Kevin Pietersen's batting partner (iii) Turn to KP and wink, and send an air text message. For e.g., if Alistair Cook is batting alongside Pietersen, say "Oh look, another stupid English captain with all his doos and don'ts", turn to KP and wink, and send him an air text message.
3. Take the latest shiny Apple product, smash it smithereens, and sprinkle the shards all over the crumbling pitch. Then let ZaK walk up to the English and say "I hear you English are very fond of Apple crumble"
4. Keep Harbhajan as far away from proceedings as possible.
5. Zak should only bowl left-arm slow to KP. I meant left-arm slow orthodox. As in spin.
6. See 1.

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How Hungry is this Indian Cricket Team?

India were decimated in England last summer. The 4-0 whitewash doesn't even begin to describe the complete and utter domination of the English side. The summer seemed to be an unending horror story that just got progressively worse with every step. Each apparent nadir was duly replaced in the following test, until helplessness and hopelessness gave way to a dazed acceptance of the inevitable. Its strange then, that the return series at home, already hyped as India's opportunity to inflict an equally humiliating result on the English, sees only the most ardent of Indian cricket fans expecting a complimentary 4-0 victory margin. Pragmatic fans anticipate a 2-0 scoreline, and some whose mindset has been scarred by the 0-8 results abroad are already looking at potential scapegoats, and rather regrettably the selection panel and the coach have been singled out already.

But what about the team itself, do they believe that they can win every single match against the English at home? They had certainly better be aiming for that, for otherwise what hope or ambition do they carry going into the series? While they might be realistic about the nature of the pitches and the outcomes, they cannot be resigned to a fate wherein it is impossible for them to win all four matches. Forget the demands of a hurt public and the hurt the team should be feeling themselves, to pull themselves out of this rut they must pick themselves up and have the same belief and drive that saw them rise to the summit of the rankings.

England will be quite happy to play for a draw in the first two games, knowing how much pressure that will put on a home-side beleaguered by an impatient, insensitive and sensationalist pack of hounds masquerading as the media, who seem more interested in finding the next head to axe so that they can wax lyrical their tributes and obituaries. If England are to win even one of the matches, that will be victory enough for them. The big question then is, just how badly do India really want to thrash England. In considering this question one is tempted to draw analogies to the absolute hammering the English endured at the hands of the Australians following their first Ashes win in years, back in 2005. I fear however that things could not be more different in making this comparison, but it is still a useful one to analyse.

To begin with, Australia weren't thrashed, they lost an incredibly close and well-contested series. McGrath didn't play in two matches, the only matches England happened to win. But as is usually the case with the English, they went overboard and really laid it thick over the Aussies, for just winning a single test series, the first time in eons. Books, dvds, and all sorts of tributes came in by the truckload, the team was serenaded through the streets as if they'd won the world cup and the players received MBEs. Phil Tufnell was invited to speak at the Allan Border Medals ceremony and used the opportunity to continue making ridiculous jibes. All of this infuriated an Australian team, who quite honestly didn't really need too much inspiration to want to demolish the English.

Nor was this a struggling Australian side, or one that was "transitioning", a few players did want to hang their boots but they were still putting in performances worthy of the most dominant team in modern era. Some, like Warne and McGrath, just seemed to be getting better and better. Even if they wanted to leave, they were too proud to go out without routing the old enemy and putting to rest once-and-for-all all the over-the-top taunts, re-establishing their unquestionable superiority after an ephemeral single series loss. It was this belief, this mindset, this confidence in their own abilities and most importantly, this desire that drove them to the most crushing of revenge series wins, an attitude that seemed to put fear in the minds of the English, who at times appeared like sheep going to the slaughter. Never was this more apparent than in the Adelaide test, where despite scoring 550, Australia and in particular Warne, hunted relentlessly, clinically, focused, ruthless and determined to force an improbably outcome, ultimately making it appear as if it had been conjured from nowhere.

India's rise to the top wasn't the result of dominating the world cricket scene or adopting the arrogant or over-confident mindset that usually accompanies such performances. Rather, India played consistently good, not great, cricket over a period of time while other sides declined or slipped-up. Many talk about the bluster and aggression (or belief if you prefer that term) that the likes of Ganguly, Sehwag, Yuvraj and Harbhajan etc brought to the team, but it is no coincidence that India's golden era occurred while the likes of calm but determined individuals like Dravid, Laxman, Kumble and Tendulkar were guiding a team that had a sensible captain and understanding coach. The rise to the top, perhaps along with the financial success and new-found power from a curiously accommodating board, gave them the belief that they were destined to become the first side to win the world cup at home. Which is why so many found it so hard to some to terms with the abject performances in England and then Australia.

But this was a tired Indian team. The players had hardly had a break after the world cup thanks to the pre-scheduled IPL, and mentally many were jaded. Physically too, a few had sustained injuries. A team that perhaps just wanted to get away from it all, to clear their minds and start over again was never given that chance. Players who were most certainly past their prime didn't seem to want to leave while their side was the best. The delicate fabric that had united the team, the good times and the camaraderie it bred was incinerated after the first few losses and the inability to fight back, spurred on by a slighted media that had an agenda against some players. It wasn't that the players weren't trying, many just weren't there, in the right frame of mind, to mount a suitable counter-attack.

Doom and depression pervaded the dressing room and it seemed to be a sense of "oh no, its happening all over again" when the team went down under. Stupid and irresponsible comments were made, and there seemed to be no attempt to rein in the offenders. Finally, it seemed as if the players were just fed up and didn't care any more. And this is what hurt the most. Would it have been different if Kirsten was around? I honestly don't know, but suddenly all of the teams' problems exploded in public view. It was too much for Indian public who had been basking in the teams' success and had taken much pleasure in "giving it back" to sides that routinely thrashed India in the past, and they turned, as they often do, on the team and demanded heads as if that would magically transform the team overnight.

Which brings us to where the team is today. Stupid comments still seem to be coming out from the camp and there is nothing to indicate that the team has prepared collectively with the same sense of purpose as the Australian side of 2007 did. No camps for the team to prepare mentally, no quiet confidence or silent determination at press conferences. If anything, individuals seem to be pushing for their case every given chance, some even talking about the hurt they felt at the losses as motivation to be picked. Others seem far too pre-occupied with other matters. I honestly hope I'm wrong about all this, but if the intention is to just waltz in and then brag about the 2-0 win that is there for the taking, we could even be looking at losing one test and perhaps worse in the long term, not arresting a debilitating attitude that has crippled this side ever since the middle of the first test in England last year. 

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The Worst Of All Time

It took one series, hell, not even one series but three tests, for everyone to do a 180 from "World No.1" to the worst of all time. Sure the manner of the capitulation has disappointed (understatement alert) many, but seriously, how could opinions change so quickly. All of sudden the usual suspects, the same standard flibbertigibbet media morons, are out with glee and a vengeance shouting "BCCI is shit, they don't care about test cricket, Dhoni is an idiot, bowling has always been horrible, old greats are old and must be phased out..." etc etc etc.

Suddenly pundits have declared that if you don't have a world class fast bowling attack, you cannot be No.1. If thats so, explain even the great Australian side's record in India. Simple fact one. England have a good pace attack... especially in England. Simple fact two, South Africa's pace attack is still better. Simple fact three, we never claimed to have the best pace attack in the world, we never said Sreesanth, Ishant and PK were Holdings or Marshalls, we said on their day they could trouble the best, as they have in the past.

So ZaK was unfit, so what? This was a tired attack. They'd just won the world cup. They'd played the IPL. They'd toured the Windies. Sreesanth and Zak came back from injuries. Suddenly the same attack that ripped the heart out of South Africa in South Africa is mediocre. What utter tosh. I'd like England to tour India with this same squad, we'll show the world who is utter tosh. Just go back to Anderson's, the alleged best fast bowler in the world (forgotten Steyn simply because he isn't playing English fucktards?) record in the world cup.

Next argument, N Srinivasan is a moron for saying this is just one series and the players were injured. Guess what, those are facts.  We've had an incredible run, and now a tired, injury-ridden team came up against a better prepared and well conditioned one PLAYING AT HOME. Did the BCCI's decision to schedule the IPL after the world cup show their lack of concern for test cricket? Here's the deal, the IPL had to be held for the same business reasons as England having to host additional T20 matches against the Windies later in the year.

You can pick on the IPL all you want but it, unlike test cricket, has a future. Test cricket is dying. There are no spinners worth writing about because pitches are so shit. There are four sides who can play competitive test cricket, the rest are in total disarray. Bangladesh never deserved the honor and just lost to a side who hadn't played for years. That side would struggle to compete with the Windies or New Zealand, who would struggle to compete with Pakistan, who can just about compete with the rest when they're not busy banning half their side. Sri Lanka are in terminal decline, you want to laugh at India's bowling stocks, take a look at theirs.

So before you write off India's chances at regaining the number one position, talk about Test cricket's chances of surviving. When the big three retire, there will be far less interest in tests in India. That has probably already started with this series loss. The quality of test cricket being played today is the lowest it has been for a while. Australia and England, the apparent last great test survival hopes, have seen their players and boards acknowledge this fact, the future isn't in tests. T20 tournaments are getting more attention, the newer players don't seem as interested in tests as in the big bucks.

The paying public, the large majority who aren't snobbish and claim their powers of concentration, also known as greater periods of joblessness, are greater than those who want to enjoy a fun game of T20, are slowly moving towards the shorter formats. England have just assumed the number one position in test cricket, do you honestly think there are schoolkids out there who'd rather emulate tranny Cook than Dhoni in the IPL? The old folk can whine, they can pick on India, they can harp on the shorter concentration spans, the poorer technique, insult it however they want, but they are all like test cricket, increasingly becoming obsolescent. And deservedly so, if you want to fix something, you fix it, you don't moan about it and rubbish its (serious and worthy) competitors.

So you see how quickly an article about the apocalypse of test cricket can be churned out? That should come as no surprise. That is how quickly and easily they wrote off my national side. A side that accomplished dreams we never could have imagined after the 2007 world cup. They lost just the one series, to Sri Lanka in Sri Lanka. Then they won just about everything they played. Maybe not as convincingly, but well enough to hold the top position. And one abject tour has been enough for those who've been sharpening their knives for a while to come out and squeal "WE TOLD YOU SO!" But it is what it is, just a series loss. Give them time to rest and regroup, to focus, to rejuvenate and you'll be surprised to see how quickly that spirit will be rekindled. Give them the faith and support you did during the world cup, that they rewarded you so handsomely with. Stand by your team when they're down, the fair weather fans never knew the 90s anyway.

Happy Independence Day, from a proud Indian and proud Indian cricket fan.

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Disgraceful England Deserve Censure But The ICC Thanks Them

Ian Bell is a good batsman. Thats all he is. He is not an umpire. He is not a match referee. He is not the sole authority on the cricket field. At some point yesterday he decided he was all of these things. He assumed that the ball was dead. Him and him alone. His batting partner, Eoin Morgan didn't. The bowler didn't. The fielder who had thrown the ball in didn't. And the umpires didn't. Yet in a supreme display of arrogance, Bell trotted over to his batting partner, who looked most uncomfortable about the whole affair since he had just put his bat in the crease after attempting to warn Bell, and knew something unfortunate was about to occur.

Make no mistake, the error was Bell's and Bell's alone, nothing but sheer stupidity. But it gets worse from here. Ignore the indignation from the English, who almost drowned twitter out with calls for Dhoni's head for, well, doing the correct thing. As the umpires asked Dhoni if he wanted to uphold the appeal, they also turned to the English batsmen and asked them to wait on the field until a decision had been made. Bell's arrogance took to the fore again and he marched off, seemingly as oblivious to their request as he seemed to the entire run out fiasco. Note that even at that point the umpires had still not called Tea, it was Bell who took it upon himself to declare the session over. Bell was actually stopped just before he left the ground to his obvious disgust by the fourth umpire, who politely reminded him that the session had not in fact officially ended.

For such blatant disregard to an umpire's authority, a player has already been penalized in this test, too bad he isn't English though, because they are praised for this sort of behavior. Already in this test we've seen Graeme Swann kick the stumps in disgust at his own performance, and despite being his second offence in under three months, escape with a reprimand. "Look here you jolly old fellow, we love your witty banter on twitter, but you can't go around kicking the stumps when you feel like it. Just quickly apologize for it and we'll sweep it under the carpet."

The most petulant and a serial offender in the English side, much like his father before him, and rewarded with T20 captaincy - this is the same bowler who is the only international cricketer to have conceded 6 sixes in an over in a T20 match - Stuart Broad, took it upon himself to step into his father's shoes and check if VVS Laxman had applied Vaseline to his bat. The English seem to think this sort of behavior is amusing, its a bit like throwing jelly beans on the pitch, its all in good fun when you're not at the receiving end. Insinuate that an Englishman might be a cheat and you'll get the response the Pakistani team received after their counter accusations during the spot fixing brouhaha.

Andrew Strauss and Andy Flower chose to approach Dhoni during the Tea interval and ask him to reconsider his appeal. This has been described as "most unorthodox" but the more simple way of describing it is that it was way out of line. You cannot go to the opposition and ask them to play in a manner that suits your players after your very players are solely responsible for an incident because of their stupidity, and especially not after the mob you're leading onto the field has already acted so disgracefully. The trouble is, nobody seems to be telling England that they're behaving terribly. Oh no, quite the opposite.

Here's how Haroon Lorgat, CEO of the ICC, described the incident and the conduct of the players. "Absolute credit must go to Team India, the England team and the match officials - Ranjan Madugalle, Asad Rauf and Marais Erasmus as well as the off-field umpires Billy Bowden and Tim Robinson - for the superb way that they all handled a tricky situation. While the initial appeal and umpire decision may have been acceptable to the letter of the law, the decision by India captain M S Dhoni and his team -as well as the Team India coaching staff - to withdraw the appeal shows great maturity. To see players and officials uphold the Great Spirit of cricket, which has underpinned the game for more than a century, is very special. I am indeed grateful for the way that the teams and match officials handled what was clearly a difficult situation and their behaviour reflects well on everyone."

I'm not sure what Lorgat is smoking, but he did get a few things right, so it might not be the best stuff out there on the market. The umpires and the Indian Team deserve praise. Don't discount the role of the umpires here, they could have chosen to act as heavy handed as Daryl Hair did at the Oval during Inzimam's protest and taken the incident to a whole different level. Madugalle's lenient reprimand to Swann and his overlooking Broad's distasteful accusation, doesn't deserve credit. And England's conduct definitely does not either. The "Great Spirit of Cricket" shouldn't win any accolades today, it was in fact insulted because it asks players to play fair, within the rules and to respect umpires. But more so because it promotes equality and equal treatment to players, and by all indications from the ICC's statement, equality seems to be used rather judiciously, and certainly selectively.

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Cricket With Cheese: The England vs India Series: WAR-YAWN

I don't know if anybody else noticed this, but ever since India topped the ICC test rankings, the rankings have been derided with scorn non-stop. Australia are now 5th in the table, which has meant most of Australia are now more interested in Rugby or Footy or whatever else, since cricket rankings just don't make sense. India, of course, old aging batting line-up that could never handle short pitched bowling complete with ineffective slow medium pacers, who have never toured well and relied on dustbowls to maintain a dominant home record (oh yeah,everybody else especially our upcoming challengers are so much better... more on this later!) simply cannot be number one. Yeah yeah, we've all heard this, whats your point.

Well, here's the thing. Just about everyone thinks the rankings are crap, but they want to play us (money money money, must be funny, in a rich man's world) and then they hype the series to claim its a challenge between the best two sides for the number one ranking. Ah, did you notice that? Think about it. Sri Lanka thought they deserved better than number two... where are they now again? Then South Africa thought their pace battery would crush us in Safferland... and could quite easily see their own faulty ICC ranking drop after this series. Just about the only side who didn't hype a series against us like so was... well the Windies, because that would just have been ridiculous. (We just beat the Windies 1-0 - 3 tests, two badly affected by rain denied us an outright 3-0 margin - away and were panned in the press for the margin... someone else toured there and lost 1-0 in a five test series... speaking of which - cue next paragraph).

And so we find the latest in this "the rankings are shit, but we're the best side and we'll beat India and prove it and the rankings will suddenly be alright" trash talking side, The England. The mighty mighty England. Complete with the ugliest batting line up known to mankind. If Cook, Strauss and Trott's batting doesn't bore you to death, you can be sure that overhyped, overrated (redundant twice, considering I'm talking about an English sportsperson) tool who is a contender for the most untalented muppet to have such a massive ego, KP will make you groan to death with his quips mid-series. Thats all England do actually. Talk. Graeme Swann and Anderson are on twitter yip yapping 24/7. "Oh look at me, I'm a national cricket and this is how witty I am on the field too."

So England think beating us in this series will make them the legitimate number one side in cricket. Because just before this series, rather curiously, the ICC ranking system was tweaked to actually allow them that scenario, because the previous one would have kept them were they belonged. And we all know what they would have done then, right. Thats right. Whined. Did I say all they do is talk. I meant, they whine. The only time they don't whine is when they're in the comfort of the surrounds of old blighty. Then they brag pre-series, disappear post series if they lose. If they win, their press goes overboard and they become members of the order, or whatever monarch inspired crap honor they call it. Because winning at home is so difficult. Touring is harder for England. Most of their best XI players didn't even show up in India until a few years ago (Gough hated it I think). Between homesick Harmlessone, Stresscothick (who couldn't even summon up the nerve to play us in the Somerset match) and Kevin-I'm only leaving the series midway because my family needs me for Christmas-Pietersen, we should be lucky they didn't send a side full of Saffers, Irish and... oh wait, they did? Well nevermind.

And will you just look at all the pre-series whines. "Oh my god, they've taken away DRS, those bloody scoundrels"... "OMG they want to sabotage and destroy English cricket by not sending their players over to our T20 tournaments"... Stop. Just stop. You know, England whine so much, that what they really need is cricket with cheese to go with all that whining. We should sprinkle motzarella or even that Amul processed cheese on the pitch before each of their batsmen make it to the middle.

We're winning this 2-1. In spite of their flat tracks and glorious weather. They'll probably take a 1-0 series lead. But never fear, it is but a part of the masterplan, in the grand scheme of things we plan to give them that high and then send them crashing to the lowest of lows. Which is why we've held back the reinforcements of Brigadier Sehwhack, aka General Jat(man). His cunning flank attack mid-series will send them scattering in disarray. What looked like a bunch of pussies too scared to go for a win, will suddenly transform into tigers who have cunningly tricked their prey into coming right where we want them. You see, there's brains behind the numbers. Sachin (Thank you! Thank you oh glorious Sachin) and Rahul have probably faced more balls than the entire English squad. And they've learned a lot too. Let that drunkard Fletcher act as though he's giving us "a massive edge." Let The England delude themselves into believing it.

Fact is, we've stayed number one longer than anybody anticipated, after taking the spot when no one thought we would in the first place. And we did it the hard way. We hardly lost any matches. And slowly and steadily we won series after series. We didn't win every single match. We didn't even win some of those matches too convincingly. We even looked in deep trouble in some of them. But then, there was always someone who stood up, whether it was Laxman and Ishant, or Che, or God himself, ZaK, even Freesanth, someone always delivered. We did what was needed, nothing frivolous. Target acquired, target destroyed. With just the right amount of ammunition, no wasting resources. And who do you think guided us all this way? This team has a strong core, and a wise core. People think this England side will test us, but I have no fear. 1-1 remains a possibility because of the weather, but otherwise the hosts are as usual overrated and ripe for the plucking. Don't worry Engerland, just treat it like a Wimbledon semifinal.

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