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Showing posts with label Kevin Pietersen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kevin Pietersen. Show all posts
What is Delhi smoking
It’s odd to see anyone wearing a Delhi Daredevils’ shirt
unless they want to stink it up at the gym. I know of two guys who do that.
Then I met the third – his DD jersey had a name, NEGI. I asked him if it was his – appears Pawan Negi (former DD Left arm spinner) is a friend of his brother’s and that’s how the tee got on his back. Negi is now with CSK, he’s played one, their first, went for 37.
Previously, Pawan Negi and Shahbaz Nadeem, both left arm spinners, were with the Daredevils. Often they’d both play. Then randomly, as most things are at the franchise, one or the other would play. Then neither. And then in the previous auctions DD picked Nadeem again.
In CSK, there’s a clear pecking order, Ashwin, Jadeja, Badree, then Negi. And with the first and second spots up for grabs, suspect the first we saw of Negi this season, will in all likelihood be the last.
As for Nadeem, he was one of DD’s two spinners (before Imran Tahir). He has played 9 of their 11 games: 0/32, 1/29, 1/29, 1/24, 1/19, 1/30, 0/27, 0/34, 2/35. That’s 7/259 Compare this with SRH’s Amit Mishra, who’s had a rough season: 2/26, 2/56, 0/38, 0/27, 0/54, 0/13, 2/23, 0/33, 1/32, 0/38 – that’s 7/340 (from 10 games)
DD’s second spinner, Rahul Sharma, has played two games, 1/33, 0/32 (both from 3 overs).
SRH’s third spinner, the offie, Parvez Rasool has still not played a game.
SRH’s second leggie, Karn Sharma has played all 11 games so far : 0/8, 0/37, 1/23, 1/35, 0/33, 3/17, 1/20, 0/29, 0/25, 1/46, 1/19 – that’s 8/292.
Compared to DD’s 2 wins, SRH has 4 – and a far better net run rate of -0.325 to DD’s -1.156. If anything, SRH has stuck with their limited resources.
Cut to CSK: Ashwin went for 38 from 2 overs and for 41 from 4, both vs. Punjab, mainly Maxwell. His IPL numbers so far, 13/281 from 11 games. And if CSK play in KXIP in the knockouts, we’ll see Ashwin and Maxwell spar again.
Every bowler, even Sunil Narine, has a bad day in T20 cricket, case in point 1/38 vs. DD of all teams.
Narine is fortunate to play for KKR, a team that gives even Yusuf Pathan ample leeway to discover himself through the art-of-living-failure.
DD on the other hand, drops a bowler, after his best analysis, 2/21.
After 9 defeats, DD still don’t know their worst eleven. After suffering Ross Taylor for three games in April (17, 19, 21), they picked him via rotation, again, on May 15th.
They are burdened with a captain who is at the crossroads of his cricketing life – 16, 26*, 14, 0, 6, 35, 33, 13. And he hasn’t even bowled.
While KP, along with Viru, for me, is the most watchable batsman of the 2000s, much like Viru, he rarely has a scrap or middle gear in him – it’s do or be done.
The best he can do is bench himself like his predecessor, Mahela. Play all three spinners. Pick the four South Africans, de Kock, Parnell, Duminy, Tahir.
Now I can expect DD to do the exact opposite.
Team to beat KXIP:
1 de Kock
Manoj Tiwary, skipper, one way to ensure he doesn't bowl.
12th Man: KP
Coach Kirsten, why did you first play the Kiwis and not the South Africans, was it because you didn't want to appear biased?
DD owners, what are you guys on? Remember, you build airports, leave the flying to pilots.
Thanks for reading this pointless post for a pointless team.
Then I met the third – his DD jersey had a name, NEGI. I asked him if it was his – appears Pawan Negi (former DD Left arm spinner) is a friend of his brother’s and that’s how the tee got on his back. Negi is now with CSK, he’s played one, their first, went for 37.
Previously, Pawan Negi and Shahbaz Nadeem, both left arm spinners, were with the Daredevils. Often they’d both play. Then randomly, as most things are at the franchise, one or the other would play. Then neither. And then in the previous auctions DD picked Nadeem again.
In CSK, there’s a clear pecking order, Ashwin, Jadeja, Badree, then Negi. And with the first and second spots up for grabs, suspect the first we saw of Negi this season, will in all likelihood be the last.
As for Nadeem, he was one of DD’s two spinners (before Imran Tahir). He has played 9 of their 11 games: 0/32, 1/29, 1/29, 1/24, 1/19, 1/30, 0/27, 0/34, 2/35. That’s 7/259 Compare this with SRH’s Amit Mishra, who’s had a rough season: 2/26, 2/56, 0/38, 0/27, 0/54, 0/13, 2/23, 0/33, 1/32, 0/38 – that’s 7/340 (from 10 games)
DD’s second spinner, Rahul Sharma, has played two games, 1/33, 0/32 (both from 3 overs).
SRH’s third spinner, the offie, Parvez Rasool has still not played a game.
SRH’s second leggie, Karn Sharma has played all 11 games so far : 0/8, 0/37, 1/23, 1/35, 0/33, 3/17, 1/20, 0/29, 0/25, 1/46, 1/19 – that’s 8/292.
Compared to DD’s 2 wins, SRH has 4 – and a far better net run rate of -0.325 to DD’s -1.156. If anything, SRH has stuck with their limited resources.
Cut to CSK: Ashwin went for 38 from 2 overs and for 41 from 4, both vs. Punjab, mainly Maxwell. His IPL numbers so far, 13/281 from 11 games. And if CSK play in KXIP in the knockouts, we’ll see Ashwin and Maxwell spar again.
Every bowler, even Sunil Narine, has a bad day in T20 cricket, case in point 1/38 vs. DD of all teams.
Narine is fortunate to play for KKR, a team that gives even Yusuf Pathan ample leeway to discover himself through the art-of-living-failure.
DD on the other hand, drops a bowler, after his best analysis, 2/21.
After 9 defeats, DD still don’t know their worst eleven. After suffering Ross Taylor for three games in April (17, 19, 21), they picked him via rotation, again, on May 15th.
They are burdened with a captain who is at the crossroads of his cricketing life – 16, 26*, 14, 0, 6, 35, 33, 13. And he hasn’t even bowled.
While KP, along with Viru, for me, is the most watchable batsman of the 2000s, much like Viru, he rarely has a scrap or middle gear in him – it’s do or be done.
The best he can do is bench himself like his predecessor, Mahela. Play all three spinners. Pick the four South Africans, de Kock, Parnell, Duminy, Tahir.
Now I can expect DD to do the exact opposite.
Team to beat KXIP:
1 de Kock
2 Parnell
3 Karthik
4 Duminy
5 Tiwary*
6 Jadhav
7. Laxmi Ratan Shukla
8 Nadeem
9 Rahul Sharma
10 Shami
11 Tahir
Manoj Tiwary, skipper, one way to ensure he doesn't bowl.
12th Man: KP
Coach Kirsten, why did you first play the Kiwis and not the South Africans, was it because you didn't want to appear biased?
DD owners, what are you guys on? Remember, you build airports, leave the flying to pilots.
Thanks for reading this pointless post for a pointless team.
Delhi Daredevils take the cake
 |
| click on funny poster to enlarge |
Stuck on the door of the L’Opera bakery is a poster: ‘Delhi
Daredevils Victorious Sweet Delights...happy to share with you our new contest
supporting the Delhi Daredevils...’
It’s not a pie throwing contest at the team.
Goes on, ‘Following every Daredevil victory...’
Pull yourself together, man.
‘..L’Opera will offer cakes for the first 10 calls’
I inquire about the contest, “you must have saved a lotta
cakes??”
“Yes, only one win so far”, I do not correct him.
Another poster, Your Match is Fixed.
Ankur at the gym also informs me it’s no use watching, as
all games are fixed, and why don’t I write about it? I nod, so here, I’ve
written about it.
Back to DD. They’re not so bad, really. Two wins is far more
than I expected. Much worse are teams with big names with even bigger
expectations.
DD messed up by investing in Ross Taylor yet again, and
expecting something from KP. Their problems were at the auctions, starting with
Taylor and ending, surprisingly, with KP.
Earlier on the Geek & Wilde podcast, I’d spoken of KP’s
IPL. This was before he’d played a game. In my unwritten book, a player whose
international career is over, somewhat prematurely and against his will (unlike
Michael Hussey) and that too, only recently, will have way too many demons to
wrestle. Maybe next season, he’ll score more, maybe next season, he won’t even
be there.
In my DD PervView, I wrote about Murali Vijay. It took
elimination, for the team to bench the opener.
At the beginning of this season, I’d promised myself not to
watch DD or CSK games. There’s way too much joyless familiarity to their
outcomes.
I don’t like to call the Daredevils my team, what, they
aren’t even their own team anymore; but when they did win those two games, I
was reluctantly pleased.
Watching an entire tournament, without a team, in addition
to the fixing clouds that continue to rain, isn’t easy. Nor is it elementary.
Six Point Plan For India
The following is a six point plan India can use to win the first test:
- Show up for days 2 and 3
- (i) Learn 10 saffer swear words (ii) Make a point of saying one of them to each of Kevin Pietersen's batting partner (iii) Turn to KP and wink, and send an air text message. For e.g., if Alistair Cook is batting alongside Pietersen, say "Oh look, another stupid English captain with all his doos and don'ts", turn to KP and wink, and send him an air text message.
- Take the latest shiny Apple product, smash it smithereens, and sprinkle the shards all over the crumbling pitch. Then let ZaK walk up to the English and say "I hear you English are very fond of Apple crumble"
- Keep Harbhajan as far away from proceedings as possible.
- Zak should only bowl left-arm slow to KP. I meant left-arm slow orthodox. As in spin.
- See 1.
Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!
Hear it here first!
The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.
The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!
Here is what happened there:
Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!
GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?
Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.
GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.
Doctor: You are Gautam..
GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.
Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.
GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.
Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?
GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.
Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?
GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.
Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?
GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.
Doctor: Pietersen!
GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.
Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?
GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".
Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!
GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?
Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?
GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.
Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.
GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.
Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?
GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…
Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?
GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...
Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?
(Som blogs at Doosra)
The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.
The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!
Here is what happened there:
Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!
GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?
Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.
GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.
Doctor: You are Gautam..
GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.
Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.
GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.
Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?
GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.
Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?
GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.
Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?
GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.
Doctor: Pietersen!
GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.
Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?
GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".
Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!
GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?
Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?
GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.
Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.
GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.
Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?
GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…
Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?
GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...
Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?
(Som blogs at Doosra)
I will tattoo you.
I’m not English, I’m not South African
I’m not remotely funny
Here's my card
My name is Kevin Pietersen,
I’m a professional cricketer
I want to fuck your bowling
I want to fuck your head
I want to hit you straight
I want to hit you pretty
I’m gonna walk past off
I have so much time
I will roll my sleeves
And bully you through on
Nobody will say
If it was a good ball
Or a shit ball
Nobody will see what you bowl
They will just see
What I did
To the ball
I will tattoo you
With my name
I will tattoo you
I will tattoo you
With your shame
I will tattoo you
I will tattoo you
With my game
I will tattoo you.
I’m not remotely funny
Here's my card
My name is Kevin Pietersen,
I’m a professional cricketer
I want to fuck your bowling
I want to fuck your head
I want to hit you straight
I want to hit you pretty
I’m gonna walk past off
I have so much time
I will roll my sleeves
And bully you through on
Nobody will say
If it was a good ball
Or a shit ball
Nobody will see what you bowl
They will just see
What I did
To the ball
I will tattoo you
With my name
I will tattoo you
I will tattoo you
With your shame
I will tattoo you
I will tattoo you
With my game
I will tattoo you.
How do you want KP to bat in The Asses
There was a time, KP muttered, “at the end of the day” like MSD mutters his "of course". That was when he was captain. Now he’s blindfolded, and in this cool but pointless video. There’s a series of videos coming up – KP on one leg, KP on his head, KP in a tub, KP in drag, KPLD, KP in SAFA gear, KP breaking his ribs.
Deal with KP is, he can pull it off. May be not in SAFA gear, but pretty much everything else. So if you’re English, or South African with an English mommy, send in your mails to KP@theasses.com how do you want KP to bat? 158. Damn right you are.
(video from Bored Member Som's blog, Doosra)
Now ECB blames BCCI over twittergate
It boils down to BCCI conspiring to make KP available for the Champions League (CLT20). And the only way KP could've been available for the League was if he was free of international commitments.
A seething ECB after the exposé have not only blasted the BCCI, but have also lodged a formal complaint with the ICC for the suspension of the CLT20.
According to our sources, the ICC will seriously consider making an example out of this incident.
An internal inquiry into the matter suggests that there has been an upsurge in such 'accidental' f*ck tweets, in the hope the cricket boards drop the players from the national squads paving the way for more lucrative leagues like the CLT20 and IPL where they can earn more for far lesser efforts.
Andy Flower on England's success
I sat the players round the TV, and played recordings of my innings against India. It did take a long time, as they were all long innings, we skipped meals, cheated on sleep, our loved ones, as we sat huddled watching me play.
After some 36 hours, KP stood up, and threatened to walk out; and then he said, “At the end of the day, what do you want to do – play for England? In that case you’re showing this to the wrong people”
I was glad KP spoke up, of all the players, our games are most similar. I asked KP, “Kevin, what’s common between us?”
Even though KP likes to think he’s unique, he had to grudgingly admit, “The reverse sweep, Andy”
I somehow impressed upon the players that the only way forward was to do the reverse of everything – in addition to inculcate the Shaolin monks' habit of sweeping one's chambers in the morning.
From that day, I encouraged players to speak up and admit what the reverse of their present personalities would be. Even though this is confidential, I must share it with you:
Chris Broad: Winner (as opposed to loser)
KP: Team man (as opposed to loner)
Collingwood: Upbeat (as opposed to brooder)
Eoin Morgan: English (as opposed to Irish)
It was all in good spirit, and finally Swanny joked that the reverse of Andy Flower would be Cat (as opposed to mouse).
Play Bangladesh
Scenario 1: KP of the English/Saffa heritage requires some inspiration in the form of lots of runs as he had just come off a major injury and was sucking balls.
Solution: play Bangladesh.
Scenario 2: Trott, who started to believe that he was the English number three and hence played like one, needed to keep his spot in the side.
Solution: play Bangladesh.
Scenario 3: Captain Strauss, who couldn't even score against a second division English county team needed to not go the Vaughan way.
Solution: play Bangladesh.
Scenario 4: Gautam Gambhir, had a disappointing IPL, disappointing T20 World Cup, disappointing face (hence no real fun in the IPL parties) needed to not be demoted to the team that gets sent to Zimbabwe.
Solution: play Bangladesh.
Scenario 5: Virender Sehwag, who is also not as fit as Gary Sir needed to hone another skill so he doesn't get dropped on top of Yuvi. I don't really understand this, as Yuvi would make for a very soft landing.
Solution: play Bangladesh
Scenario 6: Bangladesh, providing motivation, inspiration, stimulation, instigation, career save-ation, for everybody who comes in contact with them. Needs to start winning something.
Solution: Err...play Bangladesh.
Thank You, Lalit! Says Who? ECB, that's who!
Well, why would we thank Lalit when there is Sachin and Captain Cool to thank?There's a reason, you see.England have won the world cup. That's right. You aren't dreaming and I haven't gone insane.How did they do it?This is where you get the inside scoop from Bored - sources close to England management sang to the Bored representative.They won because they followed the IPL model.Yes, thanks Lalit. How? Why, by picking 4 foreign players in the 11, ofcourse. Which was the last team in Cricket that won with 4 foreign players? CSK, ofcourse. Which tournament? Exactly! And who dreamed up the 4 foreign player rule? So you can take Cricket out of Lalit's hands but you can never take Lalit out of Cricket!
Listen to KP speak.
There’s clarity, swift thought, quick talk. None of that “at the end of the day” repetition he gets to when the chips are down. When KP lost game after game in India, he ended many days, one-day after the other.
Listen to KP now. He sounds good enough to start scoring 158 again. KP on song is good for English cricket, the IPL, Mallaya’s investment, test cricket, yeah, most of all test cricket – he will come down the wicket, break his ribs, break the bowler, break it down again.
If he gets going in tests, the average paranoid Nasser Hussein will first look at him going beyond fifty. The Aussies, they will, never mind. I’ve always considered KP to be a bit of a Jatman – he has the madness to use the bat like a luth (stick) – in him, I also see a bit of Yuvi.
There is the desire to dominate, to whip the enemy into shape – kill the air with his fists, howl that mad war cry, these are the Beowulfs – they are already part of legend, no matter what they do or don't do from here.
English cricket craves KP, just as Indian cricket continues to crave Yuvraj. It’s a grand obsession, a pagallpan.
and they said we can't play short pitch stuff...
take your eyes of the ball... get your helmet knocked off to stumps... look around visibly embarrassed... and hope your country men proclaim that actually it's indians who can not play short pitch stuff...
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