How to make a Pakistani captain three Indians

The first step in coming up with a successful all-time playing XI is to make sure you don’t really care if it’s successful. You just care that it is read, ridiculed, re-read, ridiculed some more – to do this, there is a sure-shot way, you do what Greg Chappell was dying to do as India’s coach, you do not include Sachin Tendulkar in the playing XI.

Headlines like Tendulkar not in "so and so playing XI" will follow. They cause so much debate and hate, it could quite possibly spawn another movie – Sachin: A Billion Nightmares.

Why then does someone not include Tendulkar in his playing XI? It’s bad enough not including him in your all-time Test XI, but to exclude him from an all-time ODI XI, defies all logic. But then, maybe that’s what they are meant to do.

Also, whether you choose to like or not like Tendulkar is up to you, there are enough people who neutralise your dislike, and they too can be equally incorrigible.

All-time playing XIs are best made with the heart, and the bit of logic that is there without sifting through stat pages – they should be a reflection of your inner-most cricketing desires, they are a shot at playing cricketing god, and if that means excluding a cricketing god, so be it.

As for me, Tendulkar’s one-day batting average and strike rate, sublime as they are, are etched deep. But it's something more than his high average and strike rate (great for his era, great for that era, great for every era) that make him into my playing XI.

Beyond winning or not winning enough games, is the massive emotional connect with all sorts – and just having him in the team will ensure this is a much loved team. Not having him might just ensure nobody cares or watches this team.

It may be both unsuccessful, on the field, and commercially too. So with all kinds of sponsors, my all-time XI starts counting. I would’ve called it Sachin’s all-time XI, but if I remember correctly, even Sachin didn’t pick Sachin in that. Because he’s Sachin, people chose to forgive him.

While Sehwag remains one of my favourite cricketers of all time, and he’d walk into my Test XI, I’m set on a bunch of Australians - Hayden or Gilchrist?

Without checking on stats to muddle my thinking, I’d say, Sehwag’s batting average in the mid-30s is greatly compensated by his strike rate - that’s 100, isn’t it? Or nearly? Or in excess? In my mind, it’s run-a-ball. And as I write this, I think of the Sachin-Sehwag opening, what it did for each other and us. And the Gilchrist-Hayden opening, and what it did to us.

Also, picking Sachin on top and not picking Sehwag would be a disservice to Sachin – how he’d combine with either Hayden or Gilchrist I really wonder?

But this is not a Sachin Benefit XI, or is it? Sehwag’s scarcely used, much under-rated off-spin though, (and perhaps my blind-spot for him) tilts it in his favour.

At three, I’d have two number threes – Ricky Ponting at three if the team bats first, Virat Kohli at three if the team chases. Either way, we just sealed two positions in barely one-and-a-half sentences.

Ponting and Kohli both have ruthless domination in their cricketing DNA. After a Sachin-Sehwag start, these two will show no mercy. As a cricket fan, you will sing, as a non-fan, so will Bob Dylan.

At five, Viv Richards. Or still better, at three or four or five, Viv Richards. He should bat where he wants. He should bat and play, because every team aspires to greatness, with Richards, it attains it with a mere swagger, a simple chew. What follows with a stare, a pull, a move, a simple cricketing groove, is cricket of the gods. Also, he is god’s god.

And if the broadcasters want a player wired up to chat to, Richards should be asked to laugh that incredible laugh. With BB King on guitar. Richards is the king, cricket is his kingdom, and we, if nothing else, his subjects.

Five spots and no left-handed batsman in yet?

Bring in Adam Gilchrist for heaven’s sake – this man is the limited overs game, the domination, and a frenzy that destroys opposition’s minds. He finishes teams with the bat like few have, and still fewer will. Gilchrist, because he’s the closest to nature’s fury with a bat in hand.

Six gone, and no Dhoni or bowler yet? This team is getting a little lopsided. Correction: Gilchrist moves up, opens with Tendulkar, sorry, Sehwag. Dhoni at six. And between Gilchrist and Dhoni, they can toss who keeps wickets. When Dhoni doesn’t keep, he bowls a few overs of seam up.

At seven, the captain, Imran Khan. If a player can lead the Pakistani team to a World Cup win, then he’s good to lead any team, real or unreal. Imran, like others in this team, is beyond numbers – his is the aura of greatness, of control, of both cool and intensity.

His is the rare gift of cutting across borders and egos, he is the thought that will bind greatness, that will make great cricketers perform to their potential. Someone should ask him to speak to Rohit Sharma.

How can you not have a playing XI that’s hardwired to cool and not have Shahid Afridi in it – under Imran, he might lose some of his impetuosity but none of his Afridi. Under Imran, he will become a carbon copy of Shahid Afridi, just as young and Mad Max but almost 87 per cent more effective.

How this will be achieved, not even Afridi will know; because Afridi just does. Afridi will also be ideal for post-match chats where he will babble and even leave Shastri speechless; “something will give…”

Even if they don’t hunt in pairs, he is Sachin’s buddy – bring in Shane Warne. He will be Imran’s co-commander, and in-charge when Imran is unavailable, out campaigning.

Warne will bring theatre and venom with his leg spin, he will also go on to bowl another ball of another century for this all-time eleven. Imran and he will get on like a house on fire, they will keep both their boys and girls happy. They will keep themselves happy.

Glenn McGrath will be happy to open the bowling. He will nick a few early on (but not Sachin this time) and kill the game. He will do it match after match, and be unpopular with his batting mates as they will have tiny targets to chase down in their sleep.

Curtly Ambrose’s steep bounce will nick a few off the batsman’s mind, it will leave them mindless. Ambrose will smile that knowing smile. And all will be wonderful with the world and my all-time playing XI.

They would’ve won on paper, won off paper, won in my mind, won in my heart. It wouldn’t be about a single statistic. It wouldn’t even be about winning. It would be about making me very happy. And what else are all-time playing XIs anyway? Oh right, making Sachin unhappy.

All-time ODI playing XI:

Sachin Tendulkar

Adam Gilchrist

Virat Kohli

Ricky Ponting

Viv Richards

MS Dhoni

Imran Khan

Shahid Afridi

Shane Warne

Glenn McGrath

Curtly Ambrose

12^th Man: Stuart Binny (nobody does the drinks like he does).

First published here

Read more...

Return

To new heroes and new zeroes

Take a look at the Pakistan squad for the Champions Trophy: apart from Mohammad Aamir, Wahab Riaz, Mohammad Hafeez and Shoaib Malik, it’s largely a bunch of unknowns for India.

Sarfraz Ahmed is the captain and wicketkeeper, whatever happened to Kamran Akmal?

Sarfraz last played India in an ODI in Karachi; yeah, that long back when they played ODIs in Karachi – in July, 2008. Sarfraz did not bat in that match. Before that, he played India a week back, also in Karachi, there too he did not bat. His only other ODI against India was his first, in November, 2007, in Jaipur,there again he did not bat.

Virat Kohli will be taking on an adversary that has never batted against India in an ODI. Don’t be surprised if he does not bat again on June 4. In ten years since his debut, Sarfraz has played only 70 ODIs with just three against India.

Pakistan’s opening batsman, Ahmed Shehzad, has played against India twice, scoring forties on both occasions. The last was a World Cup match in Adelaide, more than two years back.

From that Pakistani team, four of the most familiar players are missing – there’s no Younis Khan, Misbah-ul-Haq, Shahid Afridi or Umar Akmal. Umar was there, but was sent back, fitness issues it appears. Chief selector Inzamam-ul-Haq said so.

For a while, Umar Akmal was seen by many as Pakistan’s answer to Virat Kohli. Well, if he’s not fit to play, we’re not going to find out, are we?

Umar has played 116 ODIs since 2009, scoring 3044 runs at an average of 34.59 with two centuries. Virat Kohli, since 2008 has played 179 ODIs, scoring 7755 runs at an average of 53.11 with 27 centuries. Being one of many mischievous Akmal brothers hasn’t gone down easy on Umar.

Umar scored a duck in his first match against India, and another duck in his last match against India. In his five other innings, his highest score has been 29. Umar’s exclusion is bound to hit India hard.

India will also miss the services of Umar’s elder brother, Kamran Akmal. He failed to score against India in his last two matches against them. A career average of 26 drops to 13 against India with a highest of 41. Batting aside, India will miss Kamran’s services behind the stumps. The move to drop Kamran will not augur well for India.

India last played Shahid Afridi in that same World Cup match in Adelaide. Since then there has been rumour of the player’s retirement which may only be confirmed if he fails to turn up for the match.

In 18 years since his debut, Afridi has played India, it seems even more times than Pakistan has played India – in as many as 67 ODIs. Afridi scored two of his six tons against India, the last one off just 46 deliveries.

More than what he may or may not accomplish with either bat or ball, both teams will miss the collective menace of Afridi. India will miss the mindless first-ball heaves, Pakistan will miss the mindless first-ball heaves. Whether they go to a hand in the field or a hand in the crowd is anybody’s guess.

In 15 years, Younis Khan played India in 37 ODIs, whereas Misbah-ul-Haq played India in 17 ODIs in close to eight years. Their runs or records against India, far from define their cricket. Their absence along with that of Afridi’s, will be an uncommon opportunity for a new bunch of players to define these future encounters.

Will it be Azhar Ali who’s only played India twice? Or will it be Haris Sohail who has played India just once? Or will it be Babar Azam, with a Kohliesque batting average of 55 with five tons under his belt, but yet to play India?

Or will it be Pakistan’s quicks again. Mohammad Aamir on top of his run. The first time he played India in an ODI was in 2009, the first Indian batsman he dismissed was Sachin Tendulkar.

He has played just twice against India (in ODIs), with two wickets. After his second ODI against India on June 19, 2009, he did not play another one-dayer till January 25, 2016. From hero to zero to a possible hero again?

Much like Aamir’s quest, Pakistan cricket too is on the lookout for new heroes. As for new zeroes, they are never too far in a match between the two, each generation has its Chetan Sharmas, just as each generation has its Hrishikesh Kanitkars. It’s just not as damning or celebrated as it used to be.

We’re headed to another twist in India-Pakistan cricket on June 4. There are new jokes to be made. New foes on the field to make, at least for those off the field. Bring it on, Birmingham.

To be continued…

First published here

Read more...

Return

After Kashmir, Afridi thanks China.

Claims they will help Pakistan copy ‘India’s Wall’

Afridi has done it again. He might well be on the verge of hanging his Pak playing boots, but he’s showing no signs of ever taking his foot out of his mouth.  After thanking the people of Kashmir for supporting Pakistan, not once but twice, during World T20 matches in India, Afridi has thrown yet another spanner in the works: on reaching home, when asked about his Kashmir comments, Afridi was unfazed and determined to thank them yet again.  

But it didn’t stop there. To everyone’s surprise, Afridi started to thank China. When asked if this was just another cheap trick to rile India, Afridi first agreed and then disagreed, as he often does in his quizzically fast manner of speaking.

When a reporter asked, if like the people of Kashmir, the Chinese too had supported the Pakistani team, it got a little confusing. Afridi started to ramble: “Yess there weres somes Chinese lookings people in not just the crowds but in many momo counters across the places who wanted to sign autographs with us and take the selfies too, they were happy and lookeds like they was supportings us yess. Their red chillies was entertainment like SRK’s company too”

The bonhomie over momos is the least it. Afridi suggested that China who built the Great Wall of China for their defence will help Pakistan cricket build the “Indian Wall” for their defence – that is, they will arm the Pakistani team with the ultimate defence, a batsman just like Rahul Dravid aka The Wall. Was this even possible, seeing as the Chinese know very little of cricket?

Afridi disagreed claiming that knowledge of cricket was unnecessary. Instead, he is of the opinion that cheap Chinese know-how will help Pakistan cricket tap the technology to zero-in on the aerodynamics of a player like Rahul Dravid. Afridi elaborated, “I have spokens to Chief Cricket Sci-fi Analyst Chu Le Tu in Forbidden City and his coordinates in Beijing and he is ultra confident that a player like Wall is once in a generation but seeing as we ares in the next gen now when can do his mapping and help builds a second player like minded and able bodieds like Dravid if we ares getting the right candidates to do testing on and he is also against animal testings so we are quite happy with the safe approach”

Bordering on the bizarre as usual, Afridi was quick to lose everyone’s interest. In the nick of time he started to talk of his possible retirement from Pakistan cricket. Only recently he had said he was fit to play for Pakistan but unfit for captaincy. Afridi added more of the same, further elucidating that he also felt unfit to be interviewed. He continued in the same vein, “But that will not stops me from taking or giving interviews because I speaks my minds and my hearts and I at times like you say, Ramiz Bhai (he said more out of habit than anything) it can be quite damaging because he’s a jolly good fellow who wears his heart on his half sleeves...”

The Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) has distanced itself from Afridi’s latest comments. They have also issued a public apology to the BCCI and the people of Pakistan, India and China for all of Afridi’s past, present and future comments.

It is also learnt that Afridi wishes to pursue a career in either commentary, politics or Bollywood, and will be asking his children for their advice. When asked why he was asking his kids, he invoked Ramiz Raja yet again, “Ramiz Bhai always says childs is the fathers of man so I will go ask daddy, no kidding!”

When contacted, Ramiz Raja was at the beauty parlour having his hair blow dried. He hollered through the noise: “The IPL is round the corner, I gotta look my MAXIMUM!”

(However plausible this may sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)

Read more...

Return

Afridi's latest: Non Resident Pakistanis love me more than Pakistanis

For a man who stays clear of reading newspapers, Pakistan Twenty20 captain, Shahid Afridi sure likes to make headlines. Just the other day, Afridi caused quite a stir when he said that the love he had received in India was more than the love he had got in Pakistan.

This of course didn't go unnoticed, not that Afridi intended it to. First to lash out at him was former star batsman, Javed Miandad. Rest of the Pakistan cricket fraternity followed. Only coach Waqar Younis sprang to Afridi’s defence.

The story seemed to have settled but then a Pak lawyer served Afridi with a legal notice. Not one to back down, Afridi decided to turn it on again. If pitting Pakistanis against Indians wasn't enough, Afridi has now decided to pit Pakistanis against Pakistanis. His latest comment goes so far as to say that NRPs (Non Resident Pakistanis) love the team more than those living back home. Afridi, easily carried away at the best of times, refused to stop there: he went on to shoot his mouth further making a differential even amongst NRPs.

"I sees it clearly, there are those NRPs in Dubai and Sharjah who are going to the stadiums every Friday like a pilgrimage to watch team play or practices even when team is not playing or practices. Just you sees when the Pakistani teams is playing in the Indians subcontinent the diehard fans will go to support their teams in the Dubai and the Sharhah stadiums. This I have not seen in NRPs in England or America who will not support us in Sharhah and Dubai even when we ares playing there internationals or local league match like it is in the PSL...and they are rich doctors, engineers and wealthy persons with money to go to Bali and Phuket and even far, far away places like Kyoto"

Afridi's tirade against his countrymen appeared to have ended when his latest partner in crime, Shoaib Malik decided to back the captain, not for the first time. Malik is of the opinion that NRPs are much more liberal and have not just accepted his marriage to Sania Mirza but even blessed it. According to him, in the west it was quite common for the old foes to tie the knot. "Some of my very good friends are Pakistanis who have married Indians and they are living happily in the US or the UK or in other places around the world. I even know of Indo-Pak couples living in the subcontinent and that is quite brave of them"

Malik refused to agree with his captain that the NRPs in the Middle East loved the team more than NRPs elsewhere. “Those are Shahid Bhais personal opinions and as a younger brother I respect them but don’t always agree with them"

When reminded that his ‘elder brother’ had once referred to him as Deemak, he smiled and said, “Toh usme kya badi baat hai, I have called him worse”

Afridi’s latest comments have angered Miandad again. The former cricketer did clarify that his son's in-laws who live in both Pakistan and the Emirates are an exception to the rule. When The Don was called for a comment, his wife answered, claiming he was asleep.
When a reporter asked Afridi if NRPs loved the team more than Indians, he said " Obviously, if they love more than the Pakistanis than they love more than Indians. You do the maths, Ramiz Bhai (he said more out of habit than anything).

Umair Khan Qazi, a wealthy NRP businessman, in Dubai, has decided to celebrate Afridi's latest comments by throwing a big bash on the top floor of the Burj Khalifa. Afridi has promised to attend as long as his World T20 schedule doesn't come in the way.

Shahid Afridi struck form both with the bat and ball against Bangladesh, and was declared Man of the Match. Not to be pinned down in the worst of times, a buoyant Boom Boom shot from the hip yet again, “Now nobodies can stop me from my big hitting and big talking, just you wait Professor Hafeez”. When asked if this was a dig at the movie, Sound of Music, Afridi disagreed, “It is sound of me and that is music to my years, all 36 of them”

Afridi also let us in on a little secret saying in addition to the Arms-Outstretched celebration he had plans for the marquee clash against India at Eden Gardens – “If all goes well, will sticks to arms outstretched celebration, if all goes bad will sticks to the legs outstretched celebration”

(However plausible this may sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)

Read more...

Return

How many Afridis are there in the Indian team?

At the best of times, thinking has never been Shahid Afridi's strongest suit. Off late, even Afridi has started to outdo himself, both with the bat and the bol. But he is Afridi. He will try and hit both the first ball and question for six. There is no such thing as warming up, sussing the conditions, Dubai or Delhi, living room or a presser packed with knives.

Afridi can be a child like that. When it comes off, he's a full force gale, both baffling and mesmerising. This tends to happen more with the ball in hand these days.

Then there is the Indian cricket team. On the back of so many wins, beating Australia, beating Sri Lanka, beating the Asia Cup, beating themselves. Rohit, Dhawan, Raina, Yuvraj, Pandya, Jadeja. Plus Kohli and Dhoni. A team assembled to chase down 200-plus totals.

But what if it isn't a 200-plus total? What if it's barely a 100-plus total? Or a total less than 100, like when they had to chase down 83 against Mohammad Amir's fearsome yorkers?

On February 9, India's batting lost it to debutant, Kasun Rajitha on an "English wicket" in Pune. Rohit-0. Rahane-4. Dhawan-9. All falling to the debutant. India failed to bat out the 20 overs, scoring just 101 on a seaming wicket against a rookie Sri Lankan side.

On 27th February against Amir, India was whacked: 8 for 3. Rohit-0. Rahane-0. Raina-1. A close call against Kohli went his way or it could've been four down for very little and the result somewhat different.

On 15th March against New Zealand, on a turner, India found itself at 12 for 3. Dhawan-1, Rohit-5, Raina-1. Yuvraj-4.

Then there's Ravindra Jadeja. Like Afridi, he's essentially a bowler. Unlike Afridi, he plays in the IPL where he has scored some runs.

Batting for India, however, he's done less than little - when the top order comes off, he doesn't bat, when the top order fails, he doesn't bat. Jadeja has a strike rate of less than 100. He strikes at 84.9 in T20s for India. He has scored just 91 runs in 16 innings. Jadeja is India's number eight, sometimes even 7. Jadeja failed to score yesterday. Jadeja's last 13 innings have all been single digit scores.

Hardik Pandya is part of India's plans to score mega. He is India's new number seven. It's still very early days for Pandya, but he appears to be a dasher. Next few matches could indicate if he has a Plan B. Four of Pandya's six innings have been single digit scores.

Jadeja and Pandya are the support cast. It's Dhawan and Rohit who are the leads. Like Afridi, both have games and temperament that favour the shorter format, more often than not, flat pitches that have no sign of seam or spin. Rahane, the other opening option, though technically tighter, hasn't quite adapted to the format and can be equally oblivious of the conditions.

The question is, will the team management continue to be oblivious of the conditions? If there's something in the wicket, should they still open with Rohit and Dhawan? Does Kohli become an opening option? Can Ashwin be the other option? Is Rahane worth another shot? Who does he come in for?

If the pitch looks likely to take turn, should Pandya make way for Harbhajan Singh? Against New Zealand, part-time off spinner, Suresh Raina bowled four overs whereas Pandya bowled one over of his medium pace. In 12 innings so far, Pandya has completed his bowling quota only twice.

In spite of being one of India's best T20 batsmen, off late, Raina has been way too shaky early on in his innings, dismissing himself with nervous prods to mid on, if not the premature burst to long on. Both expose an inability to defend. Like Rohit and Dhawan, Raina too, never quite mastered the demands of the longer format.

In this World T20, if the wickets are anything like Nagpur, the demands could be just that: put your head down, block, leave, block. Sometimes, batting out six balls in a T20 match can seem a lot longer than playing out the day. Ask Afridi. On second thoughts, don't. Ask Ravi Shastri. He was the master blocker to beat them all.

First published here

Read more...

Return

Breaking: Pakistan wants assurance that India won't beat them by 10 wickets

The growing insecurities of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) are obvious in its latest request, bordering on the ludicrous, but a clear indication of the harrowed times that nation's cricket is going through.

After weeks of deliberation, and the shifting of Pakistan's marquee clash with India from Dharamsala to Kolkata, the PCB now wants the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) to make assurances that the margin of India's victory will not be ten wickets.

The exact words: "We expect some basic levels of hospitality from the BCCI, and the margin of defeat should not be ten wickets or more, failing which, it is upon the BCCI to take upon itself the burden of securing our cricketers in Pakistan or providing them with a safe haven and housing in the United Arab Emirates (UAE), which is already the destination of our home series, or the UK or USA which will also be acceptable, failing of the above will put any and all future tours in jeopardy including the current World T20 clash with retrospect effect."

It's as if the PCB has already accepted that India will bat second and chase down whatever moderate total the Pakistan team posts.

The bizarre thinking behind this is not yet understood but it appears the PCB is challenged when it comes to numbers and could not arrive at a margin of defeat in runs. While some optimistic members foresaw a 40-55 run defeat, the realistic ones expected anything in the region of 80-90 runs, some old-timers were even prepared for a defeat in excess of 100.

Pakistani cricketers claim to be oblivious of PCB's latest request. Captain Shahid Afridi, in a raging fit of anger, went on to say that the BCCI was begging them for the assurance.

"It is wrongs on so many things being saids by so many peoples on a Indians part that we want to be assureds. I am myself proud Pathans race and we will go up fighting and Almighty be my witnesses we will win this big clash between old and new rivals alike. Already we have beatened India four times at the Eden Gardens in limited overs so that is record on our side after clash being postponed from Dharamsala will shift the balance in World Cup powers of record not winning ever against India marks my words you reads it here, Ramiz Bhai," Afridi said, more out of habit, than anything else. 

The BCCI has refused to comment on this latest request. A spokesperson of the board, however, said, "If they have made such a request it has gone into the spam folder."

After the Pakistan men's and women's teams were issued clearances to travel to India, there was still disquiet in certain quarters, questioning why the Pakistani children's team was not issued clearances.

Virat Kohli, as always, had the last word and a few more to go with it when he said, "Sh*t happens, somebody gotta clean it up, it's up to us to help our neighbours, damned if we do, damned if we don't. But yeah, nine wickets is more realistic, I think."

When asked which of the openers he expected to chase Pakistan's total with, he said somewhat diplomatically, "Either Shikhar or Rohit, both are in excellent form."

Story inspired by this tweet by @hamster41:

(However plausible this may sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)

First published here

Read more...

Return

Why Pakistani players feel safer in India than back home

The events of the last few days have left governments, cricket boards and the ICC in a tizzy. The Pakistani players though, it appears, have been quite blasé about the security concerns that have engulfed their World T20 match against India.

It has now been learnt that overall Pakistani cricketers feel much safer in India than back home. There was a time when Pakistan players were both notorious and world famous, literally household names in India.

Hark back to the days of Imran Khan, Zaheer Abbas and Javed Miandad. Now however, it has come to pass, most people in India don't even recognise who these Pakistani cricketers are.

Out of a sample size of 1000 persons, approximately 990 did not know who Sharjeel Khan and Khurram Manzoor were - it was later learnt that the ten persons who were aware of Khan and Manzoor, only knew of them because they worked with cricket websites and had updated the scorecards for the India-Pakistan Asia Cup match on February 27, in Bangladesh.

The sample size also included politically inclined troublemakers, one of whom excitedly said that he knew Khurram Manzoor and he was a qawali singer from Pakistan, he proudly continued, saying he had only recently disrupted Manzoor's performance in Mumbai.

Not being famous in India has gone down well with most Pakistani cricketers, except for Shahid Afridi and Shoaib Malik. When asked about Afridi, most respondents said he was a retired cricketer, whereas in their opinion Malik was not a cricketer but Sania Mirza's stay-at-home husband.

Pakistan T20 skipper, Afridi, rambled for a good few minutes: "It's good thanks to the almighty that we feels safer in the Indias but honestlys we are more welcomes back homes but what you do if it's a toss between feelings safers or welcomes players will chooses to feels safers you only tell me Ramiz bhai...(he said more out of habit than anything) the things is that in India is a big country and we are lookings like Indians only so even if someone is trying to beat us up or cause abuses or voliences he has to recognise us and it is saddening that most Indians are thinkings that I am retireds cricketers of no good values whatsoevers."

Apart from an overall indifference towards Pakistani cricketers, another reason for their safety is the large deployment of security personnel across the country.

Shoaib Malik explains: "Whenever I step out with my wife, Sania, I am amazed at the security cover around. Not just for her but for ordinary citizens and non citizens like me too hehehe... that is why I always tell Sania you stay in India or we will catch up in Dubai, or maybe, London, Paris, New York."

Mohammad Amir, who has only recently returned to international cricket, said he felt quite safe even when he was in jail, so it was not for a petty criminal like him to comment on security in India.

Virat Kohli said he did not want to comment on a serious matter like security but did add tongue firmly in cheek, "We can promise you one thing, when the two teams play each other on March 19, at Eden Gardens, every Indian on the field will do his very best to make every Pakistani on the field feel insecure..."

(However plausible this might sound, this is largely a work of fiction.)

First published here

Read more...

Return

PSL: Another pointless Indo-Pak skirmish

Upset Pakistani cricket fans appear to be even more upset. They claim it was bad enough the Indians didn’t invite them to the Indian Premier League (IPL), but not inviting themselves to the Pakistan Super League (PSL) will be pushing things a bit too far. “I pray they will beg to play in the PSL, only to see Pakistan government refusing them entry!” said a fuming 19 year old, Moin Razzaq Akram Khan (named after his father’s favourite cricketers), quickly adding that his anger had nothing to do with raging hormones and he had had his full of Bollywood beauties on pirated videos. “They help me concentrate on my cricket practice and keep my mind clear from diversions like Deepika Padukone and Sunny Leone while putting the short ball away”.

As it often does, it all started with a tweet. And a rather restrained one at that from Ramiz Raja; not one to use such few words, he did remarkably well holding back on the adjectives.

Should Indian players be invited for #PSLt20 ??? let's see what you think! Yes=Fav No= RT

— Ramiz Raja (@TheRamizRaja) September 23, 2015

The reactions were swift: Imran Ata opined “Let's not become low life's like them and let the game begin.” Rana Ahmed broadened his options: “yes..! We are not nerrow mind people's.” and @owesomecricketfan: “yes we should invite them ,bcoz we are not like them ,we are sports loving nation,we respect all ,unlike the indians” but it took @talha24 to nail the Pakistani sentiment - “Sir not need to be called the Indian players in PSL as they don't invite Pakistani players in IPL we should also not invite as also this from @fishwickrangers: “they should be taught a lesson for the pakistani players not being able to play in the IPL.” while Daniyaal Farooqi pushed the envelope when he said, “but we want a clean tournament not one filled with FIXING!! They should also behave well if they want to play” And finally this from Junaid Khan: “Sir we should include Indian players too.... we should show world Pakistanizz always step forward for friendship...”

India's counter was equally swift: @koushikdacool snapped - “Indian are not interested in your tournament . cry Man cry” and when @Neokhan1 said, “yes they should be included we should be different & better than IPL. we should be the stepping stone for change”  @neet1985 shot back with “Abe terrorism band karo pahle Stepping stone my foot Wo haffez saeed lakhvi dawood ko bahar nikalo pahle” @Neokhan1 held his horses - “first of all PSL will be hosted in UAE/Qatar so no terrorism there 2 IDK abt AJMAL bt hafez will be playing as batsman.” @neet1985 wasn't convinced though - “Are bहै mere hafeez saeed ki baat kar raha hu mohamnad hafeez ki ni”

When asked if India should be invited to the PSL, Shahid Afridi was as candid as ever, “No, India should invite the PSL to India. They already have experience of the IPL. Bollywood actors like SRK who say they love cricket and own teams like KKR should invest in new teams like Karachi Knight Riders...it will be a brand extension and both will be sister teams or brothers or some kind of relations you know what I mean” When informed that we didn't know what he meant, Afridi said the Indian media was always twisting things and responsible for the sad state of affairs between the two nations. He also issued a statement saying he was seriously considering retirement from the interview. At the same time, he didn't want to rule out a comeback to the interview at a later date, saying somewhat obscurely, “It depends”. Depends on what? Apparently Afridi is open to shorter format interviews where he can stretch his arms in the middle of the room.

Shoaib Akhtar expressed his desire to own a PSL team. “With my fitness, age and credibility, it's the only way I see myself playing in the PSL. Also playing cricket again will keep me away from the TV shows where I end up abusing all my former colleagues...What can I do? If I was an Englishman, my name would be Frank Akhtar or something like that, you've read my book, I just can't control myself” On whether India should be invited for the PSL, he said it depends on the Indians if they wanted to be invited. “My contracts with Indian TV channels during the IPL ensure that I suck up to people like even Sidhu, so what do you expect me to say?”

It appears, Chris Gayle was the first overseas' player contacted by the PSL. No prizes for guessing what his reply was: “LOLZ do i luk like i need an invite just show me the honey or somethin that rhymes wid it PSL LOLZ Raja”

(However plausible this might sound, this is largely a work of fiction. Except of course for Ramiz's Tweet and the reactions to it)

Read more...

Return

The voices inside Afridi's head.

One day when I was rambling about this and that, K asked me, “Gaurav, do you always have so many thoughts running through your head?” I replied in the affirmative, and continued to ramble on, how I loved to be ON all the time. She nodded, in hindsight now, in a somewhat sympathetic poor you, you gotta put up with your constant tick-ticking. I have always wondered about Shahid Afridi’s attention span, how small it is, or if it exists at all.

"I hit that big six you know auntie always tells me Kamran dropped it very nice kebabs the way I am senior Karachi and Lahore are forget England I like to watch Bollywood movies especially long drives in my new car to retire" – Afridi mindscape, impression  

From the early years, when he used to open the batting and go downright Mad Max, he seems to have mellowed into an eccentric old uncle whose pyjamas fall as he repeats three anecdotes (one for each format) simultaneously. At his peak as a player, all that energy went into cricket – breaking records, filling India’s new ball bowlers with fear, and always holding a threat that he was far more than he actually was. And that was the cricketing dare of Shahid Afridi.

In the last few years though, Afridi became a parody account of his former self. His retirements started to sound like a senile man’s joke – Boom Boom became the joke joke, there was always an encore to it. And he retired with such earnestness, only to return with equal earnestness, retiring and un-retiring from one format or the other, it became tough to keep tabs on which parody account was still active. What this did do though was spawn an assembly line of cheap Afridi memes and jokes; it was like they were Made in China. Hell, all you got to do is watch Afridi bat, talk, whatever, it’s funny enough, you cannot top that. Not on twitter, not on facebook, not in this lifetime. It’s like hoping jokes on Jim Carry will be funnier than Jim Carry. Cannot be, so don’t even try. In a way, I’m glad, and hope Afridi has retired for good, won’t see any of the tripe anymore. Or maybe I’m just jaded, and can’t make any Afridi jokes anymore. How I longed for an original Afridi joke – one that was nothing to do with his age. And that’s when Afridi allegedly said, Thanks My Nigga to Mark Nicholas.

Once upon a time, I too would make Afridi jokes about his age. This one’s from November, 2011, after one of his many comebacks. 

But all the age jokes pale in comparison to an observation made fielding at square leg – claiming he saw Sachin’s legs trembling while facing Shoaib Akhtar (who claimed Sachin was scared of him). This cartoon is from October, 2011, with Shoaib Akhtar, Afridi and Sachin taking a leak together.

Making fun of Afridi’s grasp on the language was always fun, here’s one on how he claimed the captaincy.

Only recently Afridi wore earplugs to block the crowd noise and up his concentration, even joking that he wished to keep them on when anyone spoke to him, especially the captain. Glad he didn’t resort to the plugs earlier in his career; more than his runs and wickets, Afridi was about a superhero-comic bond with his manic fans. Though I doubt the BOOM BOOM shrieking fans were the trigger; Afridi was both the trigger and the gun. One that he pointed way too often to his mouth. But when heroes go down, they go down fast.

Thank you for the madness, Shahid Afridi. Next, standup commentary please. Hopefully during this IPL. Just imagine Afridi and Shoaib Akhtar rapping together.

First published in daily O

Read more...

Return