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What's the size after XXX? UV obviously

by namya

One heard some unconfirmed dressing room whispers about Yuvraj Singh on Chindhia TV today. Some may find them in poor taste but not unfit for public consumption; essentially the same argument that went in the making of the Kotla pitch. Daljit paaji was fired by that BCCI for his shoddy job. One has another BCC! to answer to as well.

It is learnt that Yuvi's earlier nickname was BosSUV. Basically Boss UV because he looked like a SUV (a Tata SUMO to be precise) and he drove like a SUV. Some also tried to assign family car values to him but such outrageous suggestions were promptly nipped in the bud. But once BossDK happened the team were resigned to call him UV.

It seems Team India has asked for a full time geologist from the BCCI to be on their security team. He will go and inspect the venue of the future matches and will have to report on the fitness of the outfield. A poor bumpy outfield with patches of grass won't be deemed unfit. But any signs of fault lines along the tectonic plates of the earth on which the venue is situated will be seriously dealt with. A red flag from the geologist will result in UV being declared unfit for that match. Rumors abound that UV didn't play at Kotla for the same reason.

A deeper probe revealed that UV's body mass thudding on the ground could cause severe earthquakes and hence would constitute a breach of Team India's security. The Sri Lankans called off the Kotla match because they were ragged by the Indians chattering that UV was sitting in the dressing room. They just went ahead and blamed the 'poor' pitch. (Note the operative word being used is poor and not unfit)

Our sources further reveal that UV throws a fit (he is unfit to throw a ball anyway) when anybody discusses the rising prices of potatoes in the dressing room. That was after he thought he had heard Bajji whispering 'Junior Inzi' in his sleep.

A senior member in the team who was called Grandpa by UV has started the rumor that UV was the inventor of the Velcro that made the tying of shoe laces activity defunct.

Another story doing rounds is that UV went to the team physio and complained of his entire body aching. UV touched his cheek with his hand and winced. UV touched his stomach with his hand and both of them winced. UV touched his head with his hand and almost cried out in pain. The physio said - "I think you have hurt your finger. We need to put a plaster on it."

More on UV later

17 comments:

Rohit said...

Ouch! Trenchant piece there. Great read :-)

namya said...

Thanks Rohit.
It hurts to see UV not bending down to pick upa ball equally badly :)

straight point said...

the legend has it that UV once used tyre around waist to float in water... he liked the idea so much he decided to stick with that to float around even on ground...

namya said...

SP

LOL

pRAFs said...

UV is trying to harness the power of the girth.

Its the jiggly motion that creates energy which is then transferred to the bat through the hands.

Can be a bit of a hindrance while fielding or maybe while running quick singles. But he's too cool for trivial stuff you know.

poorti said...

brilliant piece!!

namya said...

@pRAFs,

jiggly motion creating energy.. hahahaha

@poorti

thanks :-)

Rohit said...

It seems poor UV is being punished for having been fit in the early part of his career while other Indian cricketers who've been unfit and corpulent since adolescence, come out unscathed.

Not taking anything away from the piece itself, though. Just my opinion.

P.S: He does do a good Moby dick impersonation when he dives these days, I must admit!

namya said...

@ Rohit,

you have a valid point.

UV's fall from grace hurts and is commented upon because he was a brilliant fielder once upon a time.

But guys like RD, SG and VVS were (and maybe still are) hounded for being old and not fit enough to play T20 cricket purely on the basis of their age. Youth was the name of the game and I guess UV comes in that group.

RD, SRT and maybe even VVS have still maintained their fitness levels at the age of 36 far better than a UV and I would say that they were decent fielders to start with.

think of what we can write about an unfit Yousuf Pathan :)

Bhaskar Khaund said...

LOL :-) ha ha ...great drive , keep it going ! :-)

raj said...

namya, gold star to you for that comment on the aged stars vs Young athletic Indian fielding GODS.
If I were rich, I would have actually sent you physical manifestations of the gold.

namya said...

@Bhaskar,

thanks sir

@Raj,
thanks. how I wish you were rich
:-) But I really get incensed when people talk of the 'young' team India. I am tearing my hair watching the Bangla innings.

Jonathan said...

I can hear a DL from the Atlantic wondering what size has to do with fielding (or at least catching) ability...

namya said...

@ Jonathan,

In UV's case if I see his fielding 5 years back v/s his fieldig today, I would think that size did matter in his particular case. As far as catching is concerned, the piece has been completely devoid of any allegation on that front.

straight point said...

namaya... jokes apart... but i think UV's regression as a swift mover is more to do with his knee problem than the waist line... :)

namya said...

@SP,

point taken.. he came back from his injury in mid 2007 and even if one compares his fielding then and today, his size has surely played significant role, I would assume.

Naked Cricket said...

Welcome on bored namya.

Anybody notice, UV's voice got fatter too - too many Moti sweets