by
namya
Place - Jatman's house
Time - The day before the MI match at Mumbai
Jatman comes home shouting for his mom asking her to heat a bucketful of water.
"What happened Puttar? Why do you need a full bucket of hot water for relaxing your fingers? Won't a small bowl suffice?"
"No Maa! My entire hand is paining after all the exercise."
"Why? Did you bat for more than 4 balls at the nets today? Those DDDs really overwork you. My poor kid! Should I call up Gouti to stop treating you like an ordinary batter? Wo meri baat jaroor sunega."
"It's not like that Ma! I batted only 2 balls as usual. But later I had to massage Gouti's hamstring, which unlike RCB, doesn't wilt under pressure."
"But why didn't Gouti ask the physio to attend to him?"
"DDD pays pittance to even its star players. The physio is paid peanuts so he refuses to do overtime as it was past 5.30 p.m. So I had to do the job "
"But how much is he paid?"
"I told you no Ma, peanuts! 1kg every day."
"Ohh puttar you must be really tired."
"Maa, it doesn't end there." Jatman said with tears in his eyes "Later I had to go to Sachin Paaji's place."
"Why did you go to meet Sachin?"
"You see, we are playing a match against him tomorrow. I was sent by the coach to plead and beg with him to let us win the match."
"And what happened there?"
"As I entered the room I saw Sachin sleeping on his bed and Anil bhai sitting near his pillow. He was there to plead for his team's cause as well."
"So if Anil beta was sitting there puttar, how could you beg and plead with Sachin in his presence?"
"Arre Maa, I always play my natural game and today was no exception. Pressure doesn't get to me. Ever!! My natural pleading style is pressing people's feet and today was no exception. I went and sat at Sachin Paaji's feet and started pressing them."
"The what happened Puttar?" JatMa asked with baited breath
"As soon as Sachin Paaji opened his eyes, he saw me first. So I was given the first option of choosing either he desisting to play against us or the rest of his team not playing against us."
"So what did you choose?"
"Obviously I asked him not to play against us. But he said that he would have to take permission from his owners."
"And what did Anil puttar get?"
"Well, Sachin Paaji said to him that RCB couldn't be helped even by HIM if Kallis batted for 15 overs."
"Puttar, the water must be boiling hot by now. You have a long day tomorrow. Go get some rest and don't start your hourly night phone call to Gouti now."
This piece is a mix of a figment of one's imagination and some ideas inspired from the Mahabharata. This is an MI fan's ungli cricket piece. Let the battle begin :-)
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bored cricket crazy indians
Night Rider vs. Knight Riders; Uncensored and not on TV
Enjoy the open thread irresponsibly, over to you bored friends.
by namya + nc
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namya
One heard some unconfirmed dressing room whispers about Yuvraj Singh on Chindhia TV today. Some may find them in poor taste but not unfit for public consumption; essentially the same argument that went in the making of the Kotla pitch. Daljit paaji was fired by that BCCI for his shoddy job. One has another BCC! to answer to as well.
It is learnt that Yuvi's earlier nickname was BosSUV. Basically Boss UV because he looked like a SUV (a Tata SUMO to be precise) and he drove like a SUV. Some also tried to assign family car values to him but such outrageous suggestions were promptly nipped in the bud. But once BossDK happened the team were resigned to call him UV.
It seems Team India has asked for a full time geologist from the BCCI to be on their security team. He will go and inspect the venue of the future matches and will have to report on the fitness of the outfield. A poor bumpy outfield with patches of grass won't be deemed unfit. But any signs of fault lines along the tectonic plates of the earth on which the venue is situated will be seriously dealt with. A red flag from the geologist will result in UV being declared unfit for that match. Rumors abound that UV didn't play at Kotla for the same reason.
A deeper probe revealed that UV's body mass thudding on the ground could cause severe earthquakes and hence would constitute a breach of Team India's security. The Sri Lankans called off the Kotla match because they were ragged by the Indians chattering that UV was sitting in the dressing room. They just went ahead and blamed the 'poor' pitch. (Note the operative word being used is poor and not unfit)
Our sources further reveal that UV throws a fit (he is unfit to throw a ball anyway) when anybody discusses the rising prices of potatoes in the dressing room. That was after he thought he had heard Bajji whispering 'Junior Inzi' in his sleep.
A senior member in the team who was called Grandpa by UV has started the rumor that UV was the inventor of the Velcro that made the tying of shoe laces activity defunct.
Another story doing rounds is that UV went to the team physio and complained of his entire body aching. UV touched his cheek with his hand and winced. UV touched his stomach with his hand and both of them winced. UV touched his head with his hand and almost cried out in pain. The physio said - "I think you have hurt your finger. We need to put a plaster on it."
More on UV later
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Bored Guest
Indians over the ages have believed their present situation to be an outcome of their deeds in their previous lives. The entire cricket watching public of India has obviously take part in some heinous, unspeakable crimes in their pichla janam.
Listening to Auro and Murali Kartik commentating on NEO sports has been an unnerving and mindnumbing exercise. The bottomless pit of despair that one plunged into is going to take many years to be forgotten. Kids who have heard it will need to be closely monitored in future, lest they turn into raving homicidal neurotics.
If the 'act' was supposed to be a promo for Paa, all I can say is, "You Paastards!!".
NEO Cricket is taking people for a ride by showing a 15 over a side match and to top it also making money by turning that match into a movie promotion event. You can fool some people some time AND you can fool all the people all the time. Thanks NEO for showing us that every situation need not have to make an either/Auro choice.
by namya
also blogs at Not cricket
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Bored Guest
SRT sitting in the stands watching the match with his family and the cameras zooming on him. We better start getting used to this scene. Not a very cheerful thought but nor is life. BCC! makes it bearable :)
by namya
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Bored Guest
If only he had played for KKR, he would have Mendis bowling at him in the nets with a free bonus of Ishant Sharma practice as well. Instead he chose to rest. His wicket may have meant a period of forced rest for the Ozs for a few weeks more.
To top that he chooses to pull David Hussey (the only Oz who would have played Mendis in the nets this year) down the order under the Vice(full) captain.
Prickius Spectaculus.
by namya
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Bored Guest
Harsh Bhogale in the post match analysis saying 'Sad day for Bangladeshi cricket' with a smile on his face and some fungoid on his forehead.
by namya
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