Bored Members - Guests | Media | White Bored | Interview | Bored Anthem - Songs | Boredwaani | Cartoons | Facebook | Twitter | Login

How Does Sachin Tendulkar Do It?

by achettup

Gary Kirsten is quietly planning strategy on his laptop when there is frantic knocking on his door and the occasional yowl. Gary rushes to the door and opens it, Bhajji almost falls inside.
Bhajji: Garyji, Garyji come quick, hurry. Sachin is acting very strangely.
Gary: Why, what has happened? What is he doing?
B: He is just sitting very quietly, Garyji. Ignoring everybody and just staring at the floor. He seems very angry Garyji, when I asked him if he saw my doosra in the bar he just shouted "F*** OFF" to me, like I was Glenn McGrath. And you know how he never speaks to me like that Garyji, we are close, no...
G: (worried) Come, lets see what we can do about this. Not good, not good, in the middle of a test...
Gary and Bhajji rush to Sachin's room, where the rest of the team have crowded outside, though making sure Sachin can't see them. Gary frowns at them, then decides to ignore them and goes inside. Sachin is sitting on the side of the bed, staring into the distance with the utmost focus. He does not even acknowledge Gary's presence, forget greet him. Gary sits down beside him.
G: Hey Sachin, whats up? Everything ok?
(no answer)
G: You can talk to me Sachin. I know its been a hard day, and its the first time in a long time since you've bowled so many overs, but the game is still alive, we've got a shot and the series has only just begun. Its just day two... You've been through worse, surely...
(still no answer... Sachin hasn't even shifted his gaze from the same spot on the floor five feet away)
G: Its our first match Sach... We didn't play any warm-ups, ZaK is injured... but we'll fight back Sachin, like we always do... cmon, the guys look up to you...
(Sachin doesn't give even the slightest indication that he's heard a word Gary's spoken)
G: Its not good Sachin, not now, in the middle of the test... do it for the team, just put on a brave face and act tough like you always do, even if you don't want to talk about it me or anyone else... Please Sachin... I'll leave you for now, but please just promise me you'll sleep it over and come refreshed to the bus tomorrow, okay?
(Still no reaction... Gary shakes his head, and begins to get up when...)
Sachin Tendulkar: (softly, still staring at the same spot) Do you know Gary, there is only one team I have not scored runs against...
G: (shocked, but recovers quickly, knows he has to say something) No Sachin, you know thats not true, just at the start of the year you scored a double century in ODIs against this very attac...
S: (thoughtfully but still staring at the same spot) No not South Africa Gary.... India.. Its India, I've never scored any runs against India...
G: Haha, Sachin, you got me. Wait... You're not serious are you... Cmon...
S: (still softly) You know Gary, I have played for 21 years. I have scored 32,000 runs. I have scored 95 centuries. During all this time I have watched completely SH*T batsmen like Alastair Cook and Younis Khan and Ijaz Ahmed and Roshan Mahanama and so many others score a bulk of their runs against our SH*T bowlers. (a little louder) And me, if I had batted against these SH*T bowlers I could have scored maybe 100,000 runs, 300 centuries, but no... I have to bat really well every time to cover up for their inadequacies, for our stupid selectors...
Gary is about to interrupt but better sense prevails and he decides to just keep quiet. Outside the room there are a few murmurs with Bhajji insisting everyone shut up and allow Sachin to get it all out of his system. In preparation for that moment he has been looking forward to for the last few years, Sreesanth clenches and unclenches his fist, pumping blood into his hand.
S: And it is not just now or today. Since my debut this bullsh*t has been happening. (now almost yelling) WTF is this sh*t Gary? Salil Ankola, Debashish Mohanty, Harvinder Singh, Dodda Ganesh, Abey Kuruvilla, Tinu Yohannan, Rajesh Chauhan, Nikhil Chopra, Sunil Joshi, Aashish Kapoor... (almost hysterical) and they were just the bakras, they lasted one or two matches and gave us so much pain. What about medium slow Venkatesh Prasad against Sri Lanka, Robbing fucking Singh and that Bhajji BASTARD... for four years he has been throwing sh*t and talking even more... You know what it feels like Gary... to sit with all of these amateurs... watch the whole world laugh at them match after match, series after series... and realize that your record could have been so much better if you could have batted against them... you know, Gary?
Gary is stunned. He keeps quiet and looks at the same spot on the floor, worried Sachin might make eye contact at any moment. Outside, a fuming Bhajji turns on Sachin and speaks out loud "What is he talking? We all know who has world record for getting out to new bowlers, like Nagamootoo. He would have given our Indian bowlers good bowling record. Jai Hind!" at which Dhoni shushes him and elbows him hard in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him. Sreesanth, who has waited for just such a moment, leans forward screaming, like a Samurai lunging from a tree, and lands a full blooded slap across the winded and defenseless Bhajji's cheek, shouting "Don't speak about Sachin that way you... you... mfp fah"
Back inside, Sachin continues...
S: And I always have to put on this brave face, speak proudly of them, for their sake and the nations sake. Right now I bet they are all outside listening, but I don't care Gary. It is ridiculous. I would have scored my 75th century by now, even have a triple against India in ODIs and 200 in a T20 vs India. It is madness. How much longer must I endure this... Balaji... Gony... Joginder... Kulkarni... Chawla... Mishra... Agarkar... F*** Agarkar... David Johnson...
Gary gets up quietly and sneaks out of the room... he takes one final peek and sees Sachin's eyes transfixed on the same spot, reciting all the names of bowlers he has played alongside and watched torn apart in the field by batsmen... He goes out to the team and says "Just leave him alone guys. Whatever you do, don't thank him now, just give him his space... there is only so much a person can take... Harbhajan, whats happened to your face... and Sree, why are you crying? Don't take what Sachin said seriously... he's just a little upset and everybody has to let it all out at some point, nothing personal..."

15 comments:

Naked Cricket said...

Kickass

Rishabh said...

oh, yes. yes.

Leela said...

Bitter medicine... but hell yeah.

Golandaaz said...

brilliant!!

straight point said...

poor bowlers... nobody even touches the main culprits... selectors...

Rahul said...

crackerjack..! awesome!

Vidooshak said...

Oh yeah!!!!

Aswin said...

Ha ha ha.

Bhaskar Khaund said...

:) Great piece! But i can almost see the rebuttals coming now. I mean guys you're forgetting how Ishant Sharma had troubled Punter in one series , dont underestimate him. BCCI is moving to declare that the best phaast bowling spell ever and will withdraw funding if the other boards dont agree. And irrespective of that , all Ind series will now be played in India only , no overseas tours - any dissenting board will be cut off from international cricket. Thirdly , if and when india's ranking comes down , BCCI will expel the country /ies above them.

Bhaskar Khaund said...

On a more serious note though , you're being just that wee bit kind on Sachin in the insinuation. I personally swore off from criticising SRT in any way a couple of years ago. But the fact is he is disproportiantely weak (versus his overall strength / quality ) against quality fast bowling. check his ave against SAF and PAK. Its way lower than his overall. Also fact is quality fast bowling has always blown us away ,every which time n from as long back as u can remember. our guys hv always bn sitting ducks n i guess always will be . . . Now its normal for batsmen to struggle against lively bowling on lively pitches. Our tragic screwup is that we dont have anybody to give it back to the oppn - never did and i guess never will :)

Bhaskar Khaund said...

Anyways , this is the usual overseas tour start - lets hope we can come back from here - and of course we can ....ZAK'd better get fit soon ...

dhaanujay said...

I bow down to thee:)

Megha said...

Great post Ach!

Govind Raj said...

Brilliant !

But any bowling unit can get demoralized if a batting line up that gave them the surplus cushion all the time over the past 2 - 3 years collapses in 38 overs.

Especially if they have an ET for a debutant, a Batting All-rounder for main spinner and two most unpredictable bowlers with the new ball !

I have all my sympathies with bowlers. These same bowlers would have been much better on slightly helpful pitches.

Let us not forget India scored almost at 6 RPO in the second innings in spite of a 480+ lead. This is against the South Africans.

We have to accept India got the worst of conditions to bat as well as bowl.

But this piece is brilliant !

ravz said...

Bhaskar sorry man,i disagree with you here that sachin failed against quality fast bowling,if sachin failed against them,everyone else failed too...and if ever they were whacked away,it was sachin who did it..ask the shoaib akthars and Mc graths.After all he is human and might get out for some Very accurate quick bowling,but we know the great australian side often fell cheaply for SHANE BOND.Technically there is no other batsmen alive or born ever i may say,as good as him.If we had some one as quick as steyn in our side,he would have mastered your so-called quick bowling too.Coz we know how he prepares before a match.:).