Concussed Gambhir fails memory test!

Hear it here first!

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Doctor: ...all coming back to you, isn't it?

(Som blogs at Doosra)

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The Indian media's non-stop innings

(click on image for larger size)

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How Does Sachin Tendulkar Do It?

Gary Kirsten is quietly planning strategy on his laptop when there is frantic knocking on his door and the occasional yowl. Gary rushes to the door and opens it, Bhajji almost falls inside.
Bhajji: Garyji, Garyji come quick, hurry. Sachin is acting very strangely.
Gary: Why, what has happened? What is he doing?
B: He is just sitting very quietly, Garyji. Ignoring everybody and just staring at the floor. He seems very angry Garyji, when I asked him if he saw my doosra in the bar he just shouted "F*** OFF" to me, like I was Glenn McGrath. And you know how he never speaks to me like that Garyji, we are close, no...
G: (worried) Come, lets see what we can do about this. Not good, not good, in the middle of a test...
Gary and Bhajji rush to Sachin's room, where the rest of the team have crowded outside, though making sure Sachin can't see them. Gary frowns at them, then decides to ignore them and goes inside. Sachin is sitting on the side of the bed, staring into the distance with the utmost focus. He does not even acknowledge Gary's presence, forget greet him. Gary sits down beside him.
G: Hey Sachin, whats up? Everything ok?
(no answer)
G: You can talk to me Sachin. I know its been a hard day, and its the first time in a long time since you've bowled so many overs, but the game is still alive, we've got a shot and the series has only just begun. Its just day two... You've been through worse, surely...
(still no answer... Sachin hasn't even shifted his gaze from the same spot on the floor five feet away)
G: Its our first match Sach... We didn't play any warm-ups, ZaK is injured... but we'll fight back Sachin, like we always do... cmon, the guys look up to you...
(Sachin doesn't give even the slightest indication that he's heard a word Gary's spoken)
G: Its not good Sachin, not now, in the middle of the test... do it for the team, just put on a brave face and act tough like you always do, even if you don't want to talk about it me or anyone else... Please Sachin... I'll leave you for now, but please just promise me you'll sleep it over and come refreshed to the bus tomorrow, okay?
(Still no reaction... Gary shakes his head, and begins to get up when...)
Sachin Tendulkar: (softly, still staring at the same spot) Do you know Gary, there is only one team I have not scored runs against...
G: (shocked, but recovers quickly, knows he has to say something) No Sachin, you know thats not true, just at the start of the year you scored a double century in ODIs against this very attac...
S: (thoughtfully but still staring at the same spot) No not South Africa Gary.... India.. Its India, I've never scored any runs against India...
G: Haha, Sachin, you got me. Wait... You're not serious are you... Cmon...
S: (still softly) You know Gary, I have played for 21 years. I have scored 32,000 runs. I have scored 95 centuries. During all this time I have watched completely SH*T batsmen like Alastair Cook and Younis Khan and Ijaz Ahmed and Roshan Mahanama and so many others score a bulk of their runs against our SH*T bowlers. (a little louder) And me, if I had batted against these SH*T bowlers I could have scored maybe 100,000 runs, 300 centuries, but no... I have to bat really well every time to cover up for their inadequacies, for our stupid selectors...
Gary is about to interrupt but better sense prevails and he decides to just keep quiet. Outside the room there are a few murmurs with Bhajji insisting everyone shut up and allow Sachin to get it all out of his system. In preparation for that moment he has been looking forward to for the last few years, Sreesanth clenches and unclenches his fist, pumping blood into his hand.
S: And it is not just now or today. Since my debut this bullsh*t has been happening. (now almost yelling) WTF is this sh*t Gary? Salil Ankola, Debashish Mohanty, Harvinder Singh, Dodda Ganesh, Abey Kuruvilla, Tinu Yohannan, Rajesh Chauhan, Nikhil Chopra, Sunil Joshi, Aashish Kapoor... (almost hysterical) and they were just the bakras, they lasted one or two matches and gave us so much pain. What about medium slow Venkatesh Prasad against Sri Lanka, Robbing fucking Singh and that Bhajji BASTARD... for four years he has been throwing sh*t and talking even more... You know what it feels like Gary... to sit with all of these amateurs... watch the whole world laugh at them match after match, series after series... and realize that your record could have been so much better if you could have batted against them... you know, Gary?
Gary is stunned. He keeps quiet and looks at the same spot on the floor, worried Sachin might make eye contact at any moment. Outside, a fuming Bhajji turns on Sachin and speaks out loud "What is he talking? We all know who has world record for getting out to new bowlers, like Nagamootoo. He would have given our Indian bowlers good bowling record. Jai Hind!" at which Dhoni shushes him and elbows him hard in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him. Sreesanth, who has waited for just such a moment, leans forward screaming, like a Samurai lunging from a tree, and lands a full blooded slap across the winded and defenseless Bhajji's cheek, shouting "Don't speak about Sachin that way you... you... mfp fah"
Back inside, Sachin continues...
S: And I always have to put on this brave face, speak proudly of them, for their sake and the nations sake. Right now I bet they are all outside listening, but I don't care Gary. It is ridiculous. I would have scored my 75th century by now, even have a triple against India in ODIs and 200 in a T20 vs India. It is madness. How much longer must I endure this... Balaji... Gony... Joginder... Kulkarni... Chawla... Mishra... Agarkar... F*** Agarkar... David Johnson...
Gary gets up quietly and sneaks out of the room... he takes one final peek and sees Sachin's eyes transfixed on the same spot, reciting all the names of bowlers he has played alongside and watched torn apart in the field by batsmen... He goes out to the team and says "Just leave him alone guys. Whatever you do, don't thank him now, just give him his space... there is only so much a person can take... Harbhajan, whats happened to your face... and Sree, why are you crying? Don't take what Sachin said seriously... he's just a little upset and everybody has to let it all out at some point, nothing personal..."

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Some thoughts about the IPL

(thought about while Akshay Kumar was jumping around like a monkey and laughing like a donkey)

1) Win or lose, someone makes money – IPL 1 was the beginning. There were the DLF Maximums and the Citi Moments of Success. We stifled a puke. IPL 2 introduced the strategic timeout. We almost barfed. Now in addition to the DLFers, we have the Karbonn Kamaal Catches. And ads between deliveries. Shots of the MRF blimp thingy. Lots of shots of the MRF blimp thingy. Akshay Kumar heehawing, Gauti – Viru doing a Brokeback imitation, players singing “Ooh La La La La”…cannot control it, gotta go hurl.

2) Owners or mascots – More than the players, the franchises are increasingly being recognized by their team owners/mascots, especially the female ones. Preity Zinta is KXIP, Nita Ambani is MI and Shilpa Shetty is RR. A great shot by Tendulker and the next shot is of Nita Ambani with her half an inch smile. A diving stop by Yuvraj (becoming a rarity these days) and we see Zinta jumping up and down. What better way to target the female demography which controls the remote control in the Indian homes than to show someone whom they can identify with the most?

3) Harsha Bhogle is God – Amidst all the nonsensical soundbytes about tracer bullets, huge shots (which barely cross the ropes) and double Ds, there is one beacon of hope, an oasis in the desert, a diamond of the coal mine, a….should stop (hearing too much commentary is injurious for mental health),. He goes by the name of Harsha Bhogle. The man is awesome enough to talk sense even while burdened with compulsorily plugging those sponsors. The man was the first to mention ICL and get away with it. He also spoke words to the effect of “The law is an ass”. And he also is self assured enough to tolerate jokes about his brand new hair.

4) Welcome to E..E…Extraa Innings – You want any proof of Set Max trying to capture the eyeballs of the ladies. I present you the hosts (in the set and on the field). All chosen based on the symmetry of their faces, broad shoulders and proven track record of attracting the ladies. Only thing forgotten by the worthies working for the channels was checking the effect brought about by the “hunks” exercising their vocal chords. For proof of that, I submit before you the only exhibit required – Angad Bedi!! The only thing he is good at is wearing a too small for his biceps suit. His stammering makes SRK’s talking seem normal. He looks petrified before the camera and he makes you do something totally against his brief- change the channel. However one good side effect of hiring this flesh and blood mannequin is that the ranting of a certain retired left arm slow bowler have ceased. For the time being.

5) The ICL effect – Who among the new Indian players seem promising to you? Most of you will pick Sathish, Rayadu, and Jhunjhunwala among others like Tiwari and Tiwary, Naman Ojha and half the RR side (Warne is awesome btw.). The common thread that binds the first three chaps is that they were earlier known as the ICL rebels. These are not the only one. Waiting in the wings are other ICLers like Stuart Binny, G. Vighnesh and Ali Murthaza. One chance and I bet they would prove themselves invaluable. Two years in that league have certainly enhanced the skills of these guys. For that, ICL should be given its due.

6) Class: IPL 1 was not good for the senior citizenry of cricket with Tendulkar, Kallis and Gilly struggling to keep up with the relatively new format. IPL 2 saw them more attuned. IPL 3 is seeing them at their best showing the young turks why they are the real deal. Tendulkar’s “killing ‘em softly” strokeplay, Kallis’s all round excellence and Murali’s vicious turners (not to forget Vaas, Hayden and Kumble) are the real highlight of the IPL for me.

These are some of the random thoughts about the IPL crossing my mind today. And I have not even mentioned other awesome fellas like Agarkar. More to come.

by Dhaanu
blogs at Bakwaas Baatein (Random rambling of a raving borderline lunatic)

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Indians...and Pakistanis (a cricket film)

INT. Q’s STUDY – NIGHT

Q furiously types at his laptop ignoring the banging at his main door. The Bored Cricket Crazy Indians…and Pakistanis Cover it Live is on his screen

KNOCKER1

We’ll huff and puff and blow your house down…

Q

Areh yaar, relax

KNOCKER2

We’ll huff and puff and blow your house down…

Q

Get a life, watch the game yaar

KNOCKER3

We’ll huff and puff and blow your house down…

The knockers storm Q’s house breaking the door. Q is unmoved as a bunch of his cricket friends surround him –

KNOCKER1

You coming to the sport’s bar or do we drag you…

But Knocker2 looks at Q’s screen that has Bored Cricket Indians and Pakistanis going on Live

KNOCKER2

Areh yaar, check this out…

One by one, the whole lotta them get reeled in…laptops lower themselves from the ceiling and suddenly we have a whole bunch of Q’s Pakistani's pals on Live with the Indians.

Phone rings, it’s NC on the phone / split screen, NC on one side, Q on the other

NC

You’ve done it, thanks for staying back

Q

We’ve done it, buddy.

Screen splits into over 20 parts, showing all the Bored Members raising their thumbs in the sickly advt way, only to bite it as a wicket falls.

Bored Anthem Remix starts to play -
‘Cause you’re bored like I’m bored
Got nothing happening but for the cricket
‘Cause we’re bored, so fucking bored
Bored Cricket Crazy Indians...and Pakistanis

--------------------------------------------------------

Bored Cricket Crazy Indians...and Pakistanis: If you visit Q’s Well Pitched that’s how the blogroll lists Bored. And that’s how it was in those heady days of India-Pak cricket unity. If you read this piece, then you begin to fathom what we were on to.

When we decided to do a Cover it Live for the Indo-Pak warm-up match, Q had a big night with his cricket yaars. He put that behind to be on Live for Bored. Q was my go-to guy – before that lousy MBA snatched him from us. He was the guy who started the Shakibbing. He was the guy who had more faith in Sachin than all of us put together. Happy Bored Day Q.

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Sachin always comes first

Click on cartoon

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Cricket Lies.

Bhajji is 100% fit

Bangladesh play test cricket

“Amit Mishra makes an impression”

“I’m not thinking of retirement”

That was a good ball that got Tendulkar

Yuvraj is one of India's better fielders

Ok, had enough

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the inspiration sachin will need...

yes... if ever sachin is looking for inspiration to keep going till the 2011 world cup and beyond... he should look no further than this news snippet...

Neville Wadia became the oldest player to hit a century in minor cricket. Wadia, at 63 years and 305 days, scored 105 for Waghodiya Road against Vrajdham Vadli Pariwar team at Siabaug Ground in Vadodara on March 28 this year. Eight months later, his feat was recognised in the Guinness Book of Records.

in fact we might see both sachin and his son arjun playing for india some day...

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The Great Indian Blowjob.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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Sachin – The Flawed Great

Bang on, Som I tried hard to find perspective in all that has been published, but they were all paeans and little else. The truth is that today, if anything, I feel underwhelmed. The most obvious thing that hits you is the realization that India won little in the last 20 years in spite of having one of the greatest batsmen in the modern era. You just get the feeling that we are close to the end of something special, but it could have been so, so much more. I’m not saying that Tendulkar was an inadequate match winner. Hardly. I think he did his best.

People point to World Cups won: Ponting 3 Tendulkar 0.

I personally think that's a harsh statistic. We have to compare them as batsmen first. Therefore the statistic should read;

Highest scorer in World Cups: Tendulkar 2 Ponting 0.

This gives an accurate idea of how well they individually performed at the highest stage.

But my criticism of Tendulkar has little to do with the cricketer, and more to do with the person. You just get the feeling that by trying to make everyone like him, Tendulkar ended up stubbornly sticking to a rigid path of not having an opinion at all. Tendulkar at his peak had a following that exceeded everyone else, filmstars and politicians included. The universality of his popularity has never been exceeded and never will. If anyone could have arm twisted the BCCI, (I mean the board not this blog!) it was him. We saw how Sehwag’s tame attempt to stem corruption in selection matters petered out to a farce in the face of political bigwigs. Well, hats off to you man, whatever your motives were, you tried.

Sachin, on the other hand, stuck to cricket. BCCI ridiculously claimed that the cricketers represented them, and not India. Sachin said nothing. The selection system has always had many loopholes and there is mismanagement at every level. Sachin said nothing. Our national team players were involved in match fixing. Sachin said nothing. The BCCI management has become a happy hunting ground for politicians, since Jagmohan Dalmiya pioneered the art of professional embezzlement. Now it seems each major post is being usurped by yet another politician. Sachin continues to say nothing and intersperses that with trying to illegally get his taxes waived on a Ferrari. As the decay continues to pervade, the centuries keep coming. But little else. Don’t tell me no one else has done anything either. They weren’t Sachin. Full stop.

Now people will harp on about how he’s grounded, humble, yakkety yak. He let his bat do the talking, apparently. I have always found that to be ridiculous. You’re telling me that he looks at his records and is still unaware of the fact that he’s the best? He would have to be mentally incapacitated in some way for that to be possible. Which he is not. What he is, unfortunately, is a politically correct crowd panderer who is incapable of taking a stand. He prefers to keep his mouth shut than offend anyone, which is a travesty because India is full of people like him. People who look the other way when a bribe is doled out, who are bystanders when goons thrash an innocent in front of them and who could care less if their inaction as a whole is the primary cause of the shambles that is India today. I guess I wish that all that talent had been bestowed to a person with personality, with dynamism. An individual who would have strived to use his power to rise above cricket and bring about a change, any change at all. Because that is what we sorely need. A few thousand runs less, we could have done with.

Someone may point to the statement made by him the other day against the MNS. I think that was even better than the 175 he made a few days ago. But I don’t think he actually said it. If you go through the interview, it has been taken totally out of context to make it seem like a repudiation of MNS dogma. It’s one of the few good things that have come out of the media’s ability to blow stuff out of proportion. What I do remember, however, was Sachin reading out Marathi poems at a function organized by the Shiv Sena. The Sena were at their jingoistic peak then, physically abusing hundreds of harmless impoverished immigrants, no less. But all that occurred to Sachin was to read his dad’s poems. How could he have refused? He is such a nice guy, you know…

by Rohit Pillai

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Bees Saal Baad : The Raja is alive, long live Raja Jnr

It was 20 years ago today, SRT taught the world to play.

It's been exactly 20 years since this king arrived in the test arena and he has ruled ever since.

What better way to celebrate than by announcing the arrival on planet earth , exactly 20 years later, of RajaB's new born son today !

Congrats, SRT and the B family ! :-)

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There’s no business like Tendulkar20 business!

You got your brief
You know what to say
You gonna say it
All night and day
Thank You Sachin!
Thank You Sachin!

It’s not a cricket stroke
It’s just a poke
An innocent joke
Say it and you will be one too
With the universe
Thank You Scahin!
Thank You Sachin!

Everything that you are
Every single run you scored
That 100 you made MS
You know who made it for you
Thank You Sachin!
Thank You Sachin!

And how you all imitated him
Oh how you love to say that
Don’t you Jatman, and now you MS
MS Word, that’s the new software in town
It’s calibrated to a simple thank you
It is none other than
You know it
You say it
You can, it costs nothing
Your soul will be touched by the divine
You’re a believer
You’re a follower
You’re a subject
And all because
There’s no business like Tendulkar20 business.

Thank You Sachin, for the song, for MS, Viru, Yuvi, Bhajji, Indian cricket and the Tendulkar20 business

Thank you for today's TOI article by MS
Thank you, thank you!
Sachin!

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Tendulkar20 business.

Just too much of saccharine, this Tendulkar20 business.

Deep inside, the Little Master himself must be embarrassed by the mindless hysteria he finds himself in and around him.

His fawning fans in the media have made such a vulgar song and dance of his 20 years in international cricket that I won't be surprised if he comes up with his own version of Karl Marx’s Thank-God-I'm-Not-A-Marxist renouncement.

When someone like Ravi Shastri advocates blanket imprisonment for every Tendulkar critic, you suspect fascism trying to stage a comeback with cricket as its vehicle.

Raj Thackeray can sleep peacefully. Indian cricket is in safe hands.

You can read more of this profane post at Som's Doosra

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Gotta new way to say Thank You Sachin!

Of course you don’t. How could you, you are not an Indian cricketer.

If you were, every morning, after thanking the BCCI for not having to type in your whereabouts, you would Thank Sachin for being alive, among other cricketing reasons.

But let’s say you have a new way. What good is it sitting in your oesophagus? Spit it out.

If you can say Thank You Sachin without sounding like Jatman, Yuvi, Bhajji or MS, send it to us. Who knows we might thank you, and put it up as a post here.

Aside: Sree thanked Sachin for driving his Honda Civic – with “so much style”, “Sachin he drives a Ferrari and he was driving my Honda Civic”

Thank You Sachin History

Thank You Sachin Group

Thank You Sachin
Andheri Raat Towers
Ten Dulkar Downing Street.

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