Join the Indians after the Bangladesh match

After the previous two pre-match meetings, both in the swimming pool, the team is back on land, at the bar, sipping on their mocktails. And because there is no intention to get high, in jest, the players are lowering a toast. Sehwag, fondly Viru, the Jatman, is the first to lower a toast…

Viru: Gary, thanks for making me believe that the white ball is not that different from the red ball. Thanks for making me practice against the white ball in whites to simulate half test half ODI conditions, then in blue against the red ball and finally in blue against the white ball. Only you had the patience to talk me through my hate for this lowly form of cricket. Now I feel one day cricket is not that different from test cricket. I only hope I don’t start hating test cricket because of yo

Gary (lowers his toast, deadpan as ever) Thanks Viru, I hope it doesn’t come to that…Virat, you like to make a toast

Kohli (getting off the phone with Mallaya Jr): Yeah, Bangladesh is toast…

MSD who has been silent for some time now, steps in…

MSD (lowers toast) Well of course this is in the right spirit even though we are having mocktails and there are no spirits involved but we still have a few niggles and Sreesanth as Viru rightly said was the only player who did not do well so let me take this opportunity to lower a toast to Sree

Sreesanth’s nostrils further dilate at the reminder

Sreesanth: But I can dance, sing, I even sung a song for the Indian team when I wasn’t in it

MSD: Well of course you can still sing it

Sreesanth (overcome with emotion at being wanted): You serious? I can sing? Dance too?

Sachin (interrupts as he hints at exiting) Er..it’s getting’ dark…

Sreesanth (who mistakes that for Sachin singing continues) too dark to see, I feel like I’m knocking on heaven’s door…knock, knock, knocking on heaven’s door…

MSD: Gary, of course Sree is very talented…see out of Sachin’s comment he has made a new song…and like Viru he is also better off in test cricket so can you first make him practice with red ball in whites then red ball in blues and then white ball in blues because if it worked with Viru who knows it can work with Sree

Gary (reluctant) Err…I dunno…I can try…

Sreesanth (running out of the room, returns with a red ball in his whites): When can we start??

Viru (to Sree): You come with me, I will make you bowl at me for 50 overs…

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How Does Sachin Tendulkar Do It?

Gary Kirsten is quietly planning strategy on his laptop when there is frantic knocking on his door and the occasional yowl. Gary rushes to the door and opens it, Bhajji almost falls inside.
Bhajji: Garyji, Garyji come quick, hurry. Sachin is acting very strangely.
Gary: Why, what has happened? What is he doing?
B: He is just sitting very quietly, Garyji. Ignoring everybody and just staring at the floor. He seems very angry Garyji, when I asked him if he saw my doosra in the bar he just shouted "F*** OFF" to me, like I was Glenn McGrath. And you know how he never speaks to me like that Garyji, we are close, no...
G: (worried) Come, lets see what we can do about this. Not good, not good, in the middle of a test...
Gary and Bhajji rush to Sachin's room, where the rest of the team have crowded outside, though making sure Sachin can't see them. Gary frowns at them, then decides to ignore them and goes inside. Sachin is sitting on the side of the bed, staring into the distance with the utmost focus. He does not even acknowledge Gary's presence, forget greet him. Gary sits down beside him.
G: Hey Sachin, whats up? Everything ok?
(no answer)
G: You can talk to me Sachin. I know its been a hard day, and its the first time in a long time since you've bowled so many overs, but the game is still alive, we've got a shot and the series has only just begun. Its just day two... You've been through worse, surely...
(still no answer... Sachin hasn't even shifted his gaze from the same spot on the floor five feet away)
G: Its our first match Sach... We didn't play any warm-ups, ZaK is injured... but we'll fight back Sachin, like we always do... cmon, the guys look up to you...
(Sachin doesn't give even the slightest indication that he's heard a word Gary's spoken)
G: Its not good Sachin, not now, in the middle of the test... do it for the team, just put on a brave face and act tough like you always do, even if you don't want to talk about it me or anyone else... Please Sachin... I'll leave you for now, but please just promise me you'll sleep it over and come refreshed to the bus tomorrow, okay?
(Still no reaction... Gary shakes his head, and begins to get up when...)
Sachin Tendulkar: (softly, still staring at the same spot) Do you know Gary, there is only one team I have not scored runs against...
G: (shocked, but recovers quickly, knows he has to say something) No Sachin, you know thats not true, just at the start of the year you scored a double century in ODIs against this very attac...
S: (thoughtfully but still staring at the same spot) No not South Africa Gary.... India.. Its India, I've never scored any runs against India...
G: Haha, Sachin, you got me. Wait... You're not serious are you... Cmon...
S: (still softly) You know Gary, I have played for 21 years. I have scored 32,000 runs. I have scored 95 centuries. During all this time I have watched completely SH*T batsmen like Alastair Cook and Younis Khan and Ijaz Ahmed and Roshan Mahanama and so many others score a bulk of their runs against our SH*T bowlers. (a little louder) And me, if I had batted against these SH*T bowlers I could have scored maybe 100,000 runs, 300 centuries, but no... I have to bat really well every time to cover up for their inadequacies, for our stupid selectors...
Gary is about to interrupt but better sense prevails and he decides to just keep quiet. Outside the room there are a few murmurs with Bhajji insisting everyone shut up and allow Sachin to get it all out of his system. In preparation for that moment he has been looking forward to for the last few years, Sreesanth clenches and unclenches his fist, pumping blood into his hand.
S: And it is not just now or today. Since my debut this bullsh*t has been happening. (now almost yelling) WTF is this sh*t Gary? Salil Ankola, Debashish Mohanty, Harvinder Singh, Dodda Ganesh, Abey Kuruvilla, Tinu Yohannan, Rajesh Chauhan, Nikhil Chopra, Sunil Joshi, Aashish Kapoor... (almost hysterical) and they were just the bakras, they lasted one or two matches and gave us so much pain. What about medium slow Venkatesh Prasad against Sri Lanka, Robbing fucking Singh and that Bhajji BASTARD... for four years he has been throwing sh*t and talking even more... You know what it feels like Gary... to sit with all of these amateurs... watch the whole world laugh at them match after match, series after series... and realize that your record could have been so much better if you could have batted against them... you know, Gary?
Gary is stunned. He keeps quiet and looks at the same spot on the floor, worried Sachin might make eye contact at any moment. Outside, a fuming Bhajji turns on Sachin and speaks out loud "What is he talking? We all know who has world record for getting out to new bowlers, like Nagamootoo. He would have given our Indian bowlers good bowling record. Jai Hind!" at which Dhoni shushes him and elbows him hard in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him. Sreesanth, who has waited for just such a moment, leans forward screaming, like a Samurai lunging from a tree, and lands a full blooded slap across the winded and defenseless Bhajji's cheek, shouting "Don't speak about Sachin that way you... you... mfp fah"
Back inside, Sachin continues...
S: And I always have to put on this brave face, speak proudly of them, for their sake and the nations sake. Right now I bet they are all outside listening, but I don't care Gary. It is ridiculous. I would have scored my 75th century by now, even have a triple against India in ODIs and 200 in a T20 vs India. It is madness. How much longer must I endure this... Balaji... Gony... Joginder... Kulkarni... Chawla... Mishra... Agarkar... F*** Agarkar... David Johnson...
Gary gets up quietly and sneaks out of the room... he takes one final peek and sees Sachin's eyes transfixed on the same spot, reciting all the names of bowlers he has played alongside and watched torn apart in the field by batsmen... He goes out to the team and says "Just leave him alone guys. Whatever you do, don't thank him now, just give him his space... there is only so much a person can take... Harbhajan, whats happened to your face... and Sree, why are you crying? Don't take what Sachin said seriously... he's just a little upset and everybody has to let it all out at some point, nothing personal..."

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Hearing The Sound Of Music in SAF

- by Keith Ribeiro & Bhaskar Khaund

Suresh Raina has been given a special award by ICC for inventing a new mode of dismissal.
It's called FOUND OUT.
On Awards night , he sings a song from The Sound Of Music (as he heard a lot of it on the pitch)

Morne & Steyn , Morne & Steyn
Every delivery you greet me
Bounce and pace
Have smashed my face
You look happy to greet me

Blossom of red
You have wrecked my head
Oh how i need
A flat track bed

(At this point , Kirsten joins in :)

Morne & Steyn , Morne & Steyn
Bless my homeland forever

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Play Bangladesh

Scenario 1: KP of the English/Saffa heritage requires some inspiration in the form of lots of runs as he had just come off a major injury and was sucking balls.
Solution: play Bangladesh.

Scenario 2: Trott, who started to believe that he was the English number three and hence played like one, needed to keep his spot in the side.
Solution: play Bangladesh.

Scenario 3: Captain Strauss, who couldn't even score against a second division English county team needed to not go the Vaughan way.
Solution: play Bangladesh.

Scenario 4: Gautam Gambhir, had a disappointing IPL, disappointing T20 World Cup, disappointing face (hence no real fun in the IPL parties) needed to not be demoted to the team that gets sent to Zimbabwe.
Solution: play Bangladesh.

Scenario 5: Virender Sehwag, who is also not as fit as Gary Sir needed to hone another skill so he doesn't get dropped on top of Yuvi. I don't really understand this, as Yuvi would make for a very soft landing.
Solution: play Bangladesh

Scenario 6: Bangladesh, providing motivation, inspiration, stimulation, instigation, career save-ation, for everybody who comes in contact with them. Needs to start winning something.
Solution: Err...play Bangladesh.

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Just another day at the nets with the Indian cricket team.

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sorry gary... you got it wrong...

instead of asking the players to have more sex... you should have asked the WAGs to have more sex...that would have sharpened the 'killer' instinct of our players...

Also read: Any more great suggestions, Gary?

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Dilip Vengsarkar, You talk a lot!!

Yesterday, I was reading The Times of India, like I always do, no not advertising!

What caught my eye, was the number of sound bytes Dilip Vengsarkar, the ICC Ambassador it seems, had given to the media!

Sound Byte 1:

'I believe this Indian T20 team will be winners this year in England as well. The team is well composed, and everybody is performing.'

Amen!

Sound Byte 2:

'I don't agree, with Gary Kirsten, that Indian players will be under mental fatigue.'

Now, Dilipji, I don't either, but for a completely different reason.

Sound Byte 3:

'I had confidence in the side that we had chosen for the T20 World Cup 2007 that they will win us the cup, after the first win against Pakistan.'

Obviously, you hadn't had any confidence when you chose the team, the team of discards or unwanteds, who proved everybody wrong!

Sound Byte 4:

'Sachin, Rahul and other seniors had a lot of say in deciding Dhoni's getting the captaincy. They believed that MSD had the right attitude!'

Now, that is something that wasn't so public before! Obviously, that must make Leela, Amy very proud of Sachin and Rahul. All I would add is, Thank You Sachin!

Sound Byte 5:

' 6UP SMS Game is indeed stooping very low and should be avoided.'

Stooping low and Lalit Modi, Dilipji, kind of go hand in hand. Wouldn't you agree?!

And wouldn't you agree, that Dilip Vengsarkar talks a lot!

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Southpaws.

30th December 1999, Baga Beach, Goa: In between the watermelon vodka and the coconut water vodka, I swayed into a shack to watch cricket.

Many beers and days earlier, South Africa had been asked to follow on by England. Since then I had missed out on most of day 4 and 5. So when I swayed into the shack I expected reruns on tv, not coach Kirsten battling for more than two days to save the game.

That was Kingsmead, Durban, when Kirsten battled for over 200 overs, 878 minutes, scoring 275.

And it all comes together now: Just before Gambhir walked out to bat on the 3rd evening in Napier, coach Kirsten called him aside and said, “Gautam, if I could do it so can you”

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