Sydney 2012: What Controversy Would You Like To See?

2008, meh. Shoddy umpiring, batsman standing after edging, the odd racist ('allegedly') remark, match refs blah blah.. Happens just about every game. And they called that controversial. No, we think the bar can be set a lot higher in 2012, which of these inflammable events would you like to see at Sydney during this year's New Year Test?

1. Bhajji and Symonds spotted sitting together in the crowd, incessantly booing Clarke and Sachin
2. Cricket Australia springs a surprise and brings in a special DRS (dirty rotten scoundrel) umpire - STEVE BUCKNOR!
3. Sunil Gavaskar becomes the first ex-international cricketer to streak the SCG during the post match ceremony, all the while screaming "Mind you, the balls might be in the right place, but they still have to be put away." He is banned and never allowed back during the post match ceremony.. oh, wait, that happened last time too, right?
4. Sachin is batting on 98*, plays his trademark tuck to square leg and hairs off for a double. But as he leaves the bowler's end, Peter Siddle pulls Sach's pants down and starts laughing, Sachin wallops him with his bat thereby improving Siddle's appearance ten-fold and starts to pull his trousers up just as Laxman runs past him (thinking he's completing the second run) to the bowler's crease. The stumps are broken at the batsman's end and Sachin is run out on 99.
5. India crash to a humiliating innings defeat and 400 runs, and a very drunk Rahul Dravid says in a post match interview "Well all I can say is only one team was playing with the right spirits in the match."
6. A sensationalist tabloid trash newspaper, whose initials might or might not be TOI, contracts Nasser Hussain to cover the Test while getting a few jibes in at the Aussies. Hussain pokes fun of Warner and Ponting's fielding, calling them "a pair of Asses". He then strikes that out and replaces it with "pack of wild donkeys". He then strikes out donkeys and replaces it with (teri don ki *wink wink*).
7. Everybody shuts up about the decision review system. ITS LIKE IT DOESN'T EXIST.
8. Ishant Sharma gets a plain to see inside edge onto his pads which pops up for an easy catch to short leg. Erasmus appears unmoved by Cowan's appeal for the edge and catch, and Ishant screams "Karma is a bitch Eddie", just as Erasmus rules him out LBW.
9. Dhoni refuses to play unless the BCCI sends in a charter flight to evict three certain Indians (and their stupid tweeting phones) in the crowd who have followed the team's losses in England and brought their (bad) luck to Australia too. Rohit Sharma immediately says he's mentally prepared to keep wickets too, so the BCCI declines. It is to be the costliest error they have made in a while.

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Teri Maa Ki series renamed The Border Gavaskar Trophy.

In lieu of neither Bhajji nor Symonds playing, the Teri Maa Ki! Series will be renamed The Border Gavaskar Trophy. This hasn’t gone down too well with any of the non-players.

Bhajji – “First I lost my passport and my credit cards, to now lose the Teri Maa Ki! Series is like…losing my passport and credit cards all over again”. Yet another flat delivery from Bhajji.

Bhajji spoke of his association with Symonds in the Mumbai Indians’ dressing room – and how they had kept the TMK spirit alive by abusing each other in their newly acquired IPL mother tongue – Marathi. Bhajji added – “Thanks to Sachin’s lessons in Marathi, Symonds can now tell when I’m calling him a monkey or his mother a eh…” he tapered off.

Symonds – “Honestly, I have no idea that the series will not be called TMK – I’m in the Big Boss house, mate. I also have no idea that Sunny Leone is what they say she is…in the Big Boss house none of us know that she is a porn star.”

Sunny Gavaskar – “I’ve had enough of being confused with Sunny Leone. Though I will say this, she needs only two more films to reach that magical figure of a century of porn films.”

Border – “Ummm just like one of Ricky Ponting or Michael Hussey must go, it’s obvious to me that one of TMK or BG will have to go, finally it’s the performance of the players that should decide who stays – Ricky, Hussey, Bhajji, Symonds, Gavaskar and Border are all has-beens – they should rename the TMK or BG trophy The MSD-MJC trophy.”(after Mahendra Singh Dhoni and Michael John Clarke)

Symonds also spoke of his association with Bhajji in the Mumbai Indians dressing room – and how they had kept the TMK spirit alive by abusing each other in their newly acquired IPL mother tongue – Marathi. Symonds added – “Thanks to Sachin’s lessons in Marathi, I can now tell when Bhajji is calling me a monkey or my mother a eh…”, he tapered off.

India’s preparation has been first-rate – unlike the England series where key-players broke down while playing in a test match (Zaks, Bhajji, Gauti) for the series Down Under, players have broken down weeks before the tour. Praveen Kumar in fact, broke down so well-in-advance, it’s feared, he may actually have enough time to recuperate and stage a premature comeback and breakdown yet again. Even though it’s often said that there’s no such thing as a good time to be injured, Varun Aaron timed his perfectly. No sooner was he selected, he was able to combine his letter of gratitude with his unavailability due to injury in the very same email. 

Aaron’s letter – Thank you kind sirs for picking me for this prestigious tour…oh, it’s just come to my notice that I can’t type anymore…I fear bowling will be a tad more difficult.

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bhajji on his batting...

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Time for TERI MAA KI!!!

Promo for India-Australia series

Music: Pink Floyd’s Mother

The Indian cricketers in their homes, blessed by their mothers. Each player touches his mother’s feet and is handed a bat or ball by his mother. The mother then wipes a tear as she commands her son to battle.

Music Changes to: Maa ka ladla

Elsewhere the Aussie cricketers are in their homes, patted, hi-fived and handed a bottle of Victoria Bitter by their mothers.

Music mix of Mother and Maa ka ladla goes under

As MSD and Ponting stick their faces into each other and snarl: TERI MA KI!

Bhajji forces himself into the frame, doing his Bhangra, fluttering the tri-colour.

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bhajji's mild reaction after hitting six...

...or what else bhajji would have said...?

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Just say NO!

In its quest to maintain India's No.1 Test ranking the BCCI has sent a proposal to Cricket Australia to convert the seven-match ODI series in October to two Tests and three ODIs. India had climbed to the top spot in 2009, after drubbing Sri Lanka 2-0 at home, and then retained the ranking by fighting back to level the two-Test series against South Africa in February.

--
Upon reading this, I had an "I Told You So" moment. And yet, there was a certain inevitability to this. Ever since the Test Match Nazis started carping from the sidelines that the BCCI is not interested in Test cricket, pointing to the 2009-10 season to emphasize their point, it was only a matter of time before the BCCI caved in.

First it was South Africa and the two test series. Now it is Australia.

Without dwelling too much into why a Two Test series is no series at all, I would like to take this opportunity to point out, once again, India's schedule starting December 2010 - 24 Tests between Dec 2010 and Mar 2012. 15 months 24 Tests and if that does not indicate that India is a serious Test playing nation, held hostage to the vagaries of the ICC FTP, then nothing else will.

Now, coming to the Australia series and why it is imperative for India to "kindly withdraw" its rather generous offer.

For starters, it is a two match series.

Secondly, what purpose does it serve India playing the third rank nation in the world in a 2 Test series? Its not going to make a huge difference to the points table unless we sweep, and there is always the danger that we might slip if we either draw or lose the series. Its not like playing Australia in a 2 Test series in India will have a huge bearing on our away tours to South Africa, England or Australia. In fact, the Champions League in South Africa will have a greater bearing on our Test performances there. So, other than keeping the Nazis at bay, how does an hastily announced Test series help us?

As far as Australia go, their itinerary over the next 6 months looks like this

5 ODIs versus England in England
2 Tests and 2 T20 versus Pakistan in England
7 ODIs versus India
3 ODIs and 1 T20 versus Sri Lanka
The Ashes

So, in the lead up to the Ashes, Australia have very little by way of competitive Test cricket. And if the 2 Test seres against Pakistan is discounted, Australia have no Test cricket under their belt since February 2010, when they played New Zealand away.

India offers them a trifecta

1. Playing the #1 Test nation in the world in their back yard and the hard fought cricket that guarantees.
2. The opportunity to move up the ICC rankings
3.The sham of a 2 test series and the deniability it brings

Win or lose in India, Australia stand to win. If they lose the series, "it was an away series", "it was against the #1 team in the world", "the pitches were doctored" and "A two test series proves nothing", "a hastily ordered series" and "The Ashes are the real deal". If they win , the confidence boost in the lead up to the Ashes coupled with a change in the rankings coupled with the bragging rights.

And in both cases, a good, intense workout in the lead up to the Ashes. Which is basically what the Australians need, more than anything else.

And there are additional benefits, as enunciated by Malcolm Conn

"Firstly, they will need to be played on pitches with reasonable pace and bounce because slow, low, turning pitches could prove counter-productive.
And the BCCI would need to wipe out the seven one-day matches Australia owes it even if the number was reduced to fit in two Tests."

Add to it the debt the BCCI will owe the CA for "acquiescing to their request" for a 2 test series.

So, for now, JUST SAY NO!

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Bhajji's Anger Attains New Heights.

By Anand Batra + NC

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Australia's Series Win Is Remarkable

No really..and not because of their list of injured players. This win is special because -

a) It did not involve a lot of sledging. No TMK or anything.
b) No stupid mind games, mental disintegration sorta stuff.
c) No huge umpiring blunders.
d) They won even though they did not have Steve Bucknor in their team...Sorry, I meant he wasn't umpiring in this series. Which kinda explains point c.
e) They did not have to resort to bump catches, or The Haddin to get wickets.

So there you have it. Australia winning because they played good solid cricket...and because of their never-say-die spirit that we all love to hate. Damn it!

Megha also blogs at Silly M(a)id-on.

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Jubaan sambhal ke - Teri Maa Ki Video

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dhoni ponting conference....

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T&T adopts TMK.

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One down

One opener got hurt within inches of his manhood. So who opens now?

Can we take a leaf out of that “Maa Ki” tour and get the wall of a player in first?

Or will it be the wicketkeeper-captain-material rated very highly by Greg Chappell?

If we indeed get the wall of the player one down, where will the Fake One Down Player play ?

Oh, it could also be Harbhajan.. The position is also called one drop, he did get one to drop down… the cameraman in the airport. So will it be him?

Who the @#$% is One Down??

Will there be anybody batting One Down for India?

Will he be for Real?

Return tomorrow evening, post match, for a postmortem.

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What Andrew Strauss felt on winning the Ashes back...

congrats Andrew Strauss!!

feels good to know that nice guys too can finish first...

although it's not in your nature... go on and say it...

'Teri Maa Ki!!'

maybe not openly... but in your mind at least...

...to all those non-believers...

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from amit mishra's speechwriters...

na fikar karr tu bat ki

na fikar karr attack ki

ab tak jinhone bahar rakkha tujhe...

har wicket pe unko bol...teri maa ki!!!

teri maa ki!!

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To Guru Greg, the father of Teri Maa ki!

If not for Greg Chappell, India may have missed out on their amorous relationship with Australia. He got personal with Sachin, fingered Saurav and caused untold harm to Rahul. Irfan is still in recovery. But not so Viru and Bhajji, they took it personally. Somewhere between Jalandhar and Najafgarh the seeds of Teri Maa Ki! were sown. On that happy note, Happy Bored Day GC. What, in Hindi even that sounds like an abuse.

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The center of Maa-Ki Cricket: Saadi Dilli!

The most distinctive thing about Delhi cricket was the language. The expletives. The sheer brilliance and the inventiveness of the cursing out there in the middle. Thats why I so loved the Gambhir/Afridi spat. Watching a Delhi boy launch into an MC followed up by an MKL was a thing to behold, a flashback to the days when fast bowlers would yell out a BDL as they let go of the ball in an intra-university game.

Heck, I once saw a bowler pull a stump out of the ground and go after a batsman (no, not in a college game, in a local park game). And the less said about the Ferozeshah Kotla crowd, the better. They almost reduced Shastri to tears during an India-West Indies test and turned my ears blue in the process. Nice. Sledging your own team? Was it because he was a Mumbaikar? No, just because he was a boring bat. But the cursing tradition ensured that all the Delhi boys knew that it had to be one of them that would go toe-to-toe with the Pakistani lads when it came to handing out the BCs.

Many years ago, Jaspal Singh, a young fast bowler and student at our college, younger brother of Gurcharan Singh, played against the 1986-87 Pakistanis in a tour game. When he returned to college, we all clustered around him eagerly to ask him how it went. He said "Kya yaar, gaali pe gaali padi match mein". And so, we asked, did he give it back? Grinning, he said, "Aur kya, sunta rehta saara time?"

Precisely. It's that Delhi mood that seems to have gotten into the current crop of lads. Perhaps they didn't go all to Delhi University. But they sure as hell learned some of those same lessons. Some, like Sreesanth, seem to have gone overboard. But the gaali-galoch of the Delhi tradition lives on.

by Samir Chopra

blogs at Eye on Cricket and Cricinfo's Different Strokes

Want to be a Bored Guest? Send us your Teri maa ki!! story.

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Another reason to call it Teri Maa Ki!!

Ponting beyond Border, Bhajji beyond it.

Look deep within, you will know it’s no longer the Border Gavaskar Trophy, those days are long gone. And it just doesn’t sound right to call it the Singh Ponting or the Bhajji Ricky Trophy.

What better than Teri Maa ki!! It’s gotta ring to it, it’s a call to arms, and a farewell to sanity: basically everything you want a hard fought test series to be.

Who knows it may even ignite something in this soft as snow Aussie side. These days, their collapses make Pakistan’s appear almost dignified.

Hauritz broke a finger, so did Haddin, Johnson lost his mind, so did Hussey, the Aussies need a little inspiration. Bring on the bad memories.

Where is Symonds when you need him?

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What Hindi does Allan Border know?

Border, we know what it must feel like to watch the Indians lift a trophy that bears your name. Seeing as that’s how it will be, why not let go of the name too? Let the trophy echo what every Indian and Australian feel. Here’s to crossover cricket.

And yeah, Happy Bored Day!

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Danish Kaneria, on the offensive!

Kaneria offends with ball, then tounge and then ball again:

5-83 in the first, a reprimand for abusing Mathews and more wickets in the second. Looks like little boy blue is out of his shell. The world can go to hell. And so can you.

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andrew flintoff's outburst after 75 years of frustration...

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