Chris Gayle announces retirement to join Retired Cricket League

One of the prerequisites of the Masters Champions League (MCL), a T20 tournament for retired cricketers is that players must be retired, more specifically, they must be former international cricketers - retired from all forms of the professional sport. When Chris Gayle got wind of this, he drafted possibly the shortest retirement letter in cricket history:

Chief, gotta go XXX Chris lol

But before he could send it to the West Indies Cricket Board (WICB) chief, he gave it a second thought and sent it to his Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) skipper, Virat Kohli, a man of letters and 11,000 word interviews.

Virat:

Dear Chris,

I have read and re-read your letter to the chief. I have a few questions: Who is this chief? Where are you going - re: "gotta go"? Please do elaborate, and once I have a better grasp of the unknown, I hope to be in a better position to assist you with your letter. Let's finish this together, like one of our Indian Premier League (IPL) chases.

Sincerely,

Virat

Gayle:

VK thanxxx lol

Virat:

Dear Chris,

It appears you fired the mail off by mistake, awaiting your reply, eagerly.

Sincerely,

Virat

Gayle:

VK LOLetter 2 WICB boss chief I GO 2 retirement to play in retirement desert league HOT sand castle meltdown sing by americano bar live by the candy jill come lately gotta go XXX

Virat:

Dear Chris,

Thanks so much for your reply. From your reply I gather the following, correct me if I'm wrong: Your letter is addressed to Mr Dave Cameron, the WICB chief and you're looking for an opportunity to retire from all international cricket so you can further your cricket career in the Emirates. If I'm not mistaken this is the Masters Champions League (MCL), a franchise T20 tournament for retired cricketers set to take place no later than February the following year.

Your friend,

Virat

Gayle:

YO VK LOL XXX

Virat:

Dear Chris,

I wish you the very best in your latest adventure. Please do consider using some of the text from my previous mail in your letter to Mr Cameron.

Your 4 am friend,

Virat

Here is what Chris Gayle mailed the WICB chief, Dave Cameron:

Chief gotta go XXX Chris lol DIG THIS LOL >>>>>>>>>>>

Dear Chris,

Thanks so much for your reply. From your reply I gather the following, correct me if I'm wrong: Your letter is addressed to Mr Dave Cameron, the WICB chief and you're looking for an opportunity to retire from all international cricket so you can further your cricket career in the Emirates. If I'm not mistaken this is the Masters Champions League (MCL), a franchise T20 tournament for retired cricketers set to take place no later than February the following year.

Your friend,

Virat

And WICB chief Dave Cameron's mail to Gayle:

Dear Mr Gayle,

And then people wonder why Chris Gayle and the WICB have a communication problem? I have CCed this mail to Virat Kohli who I predict will be a tad more selective in his choice of words. We cannot accept your retirement from international cricket simply because the WICB does not accept anything that you wish to do.

Warm regards,

Dave Cameron

Following this, Chris Gayle was selected for Australia's tour of the West Indies. If the player failed to fulfil his international commitments, the WICB would not accept his resignation from international cricket.

Playing in the NatWest T20 Blast in England, Gayle was unaffected by these latest developments. Instead, he set his eyes on Sachin Tendulkar and Shane Warne's Legends T20 Cricket League to be held in the United States of America (USA).

It had been a rewarding day so far, Gayle was on the verge of entering into talks with two new T20 leagues. JXTRA Honeycomb as he called her made him a mojito and put his shades on; he always liked his shades on when he sipped his mojito. "Never know when prying eyes may decide to go click click photo bomb me LOL," he would often say. "Daddy be ready for new T20 and photo bomber tombstone blues LOL."

As he sipped, he tried to remember, how many had he played with? Could he remember them all? And he started reciting them one by one - Jamaica! LOL! Jamaica Tall-wahs LMAO! Barista Burners! LOL! WATA NAME! No silly Wata name not-a-name but Barista Burners wata name - serve me Ice Latte while I swing sexy LOL! KKR! KKR! Wata royal pain in my royal a** - never let me do my cool thing, drool on bowling swing out sista LOL! Boring English too good too Somerest Mom I read finally Mamma be happy Stanford Superstars quick bang bang buck so sexy idiot man sailor thief LOL! Matabeleland Tuskers oh baby talk to me dirty LOL Sydney feel my Thunder Down Under LMAO Western Australia... Big flies eat my eyes silly in Perth LOL... Wor-cest-er-shire saucy baby shake shake LOL... ummm that ICC World XI one night stand... my baby sweet RCB my buddies VK and AB so cool intense and Mallya booze boy singing my tune LOL... one more there was... one more... zzzzz sleepy Dhaka Gladi... zzzz

It appeared Chris Gayle had crashed for the night but not before he had sent Tendulkar and Warne a quick mail.

"USA LOL!"

(However plausible this might sound, this is a work of fiction.)

First published here

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The Waste Indies

It's been a few days since Holi but I haven't been able to remove the filth from that day. And I didn't even play. All I did was watch India play the West Indies. Did you see that match? What did you think of it? It made me sick. I still feel sick thinking about it. That day a lot of us were throwing up on Twitter. Within a few hours, Pakistan played South Africa, what a match that was, and we were all feeling loads better, at least so I thought.

I didn't want to write about the India-Windies' match as a kneejerk reaction; for that there's Twitter. I read a few match reports which ignored that passage of play - were they deleted at the last minute, was it better left unsaid? What would the reaction have been, had India been in West Indies' place, and if MS Dhoni had made similar bowling changes as Jason Holder? I suspect you and me and Arnab Goswami would've gone on about it till the 2019 World Cup. But India won, and there was another "Mauka Mauka" ad on, and mostly everyone was happy.

Well, I wasn't. I started to be unhappy soon after Jadeja was dismissed and India slid to 6-134. To win, India had to score another 49 runs - just that those 49 runs on that WACA pitch were way more, even more with the four West Indies' pacers who had ripped out the heart of India's batting. After Jadeja's wicket, the quicks' Taylor, Russell and Roach bowled the next three overs conceding 18 runs, India still needed 31 more for a win. Which is when part-timer, Marlon Samuels, came on to bowl.

"Don't really understand Samuels bowling now. The four frontline seamers have ten overs to bowl between them."

- ESPN Cricinfo Live commentary

And if one Samuels' over wasn't enough, he bowled another one - and if that wasn't enough another part-timer, Dwayne Smith was brought on from the other end. The next three overs were bowled by part-timers' Samuels-Smith-Samuels. Part-time West Indies' captain, Holder, still had nine overs left from his frontline seamers on the fastest wicket in the world.

"I'm not too sure about the last few overs why Marlon Samuels bowled, why did Jerome Taylor still have two overs left at the end of the day - now he was the best bowler on hand... and it seemed as if at some point the last five to six overs the West Indies gave up, he said ok, India, it's yours... I don't believe in playing cricket like that." - Michael Holding

Holding repeatedly said, "I don't know whose idea it was?" Now that's such a loaded statement, but whose idea was it? Earlier, Jason Holder had had one of his better days as a batsman, scoring his second half-century and highest ODI score, 57. From 8-124, he had pushed his team to 182. He had India on the mat and then he pulled the rug from under his feet; why?

Jason Holder is 23, and he's barely played 30 ODIs. He became captain more by accident - first Darren Sammy fell out of favour with the West Indies Cricket Board, then Dwayne Bravo. Not many out of the Caribbean would've heard of Holder, but the WICB had - and he was their man, they made him captain for the 2014-15 South Africa series and subsequently for the World Cup. What about Chris Gayle, Marlon Samuels and Denesh Ramdin with 565 ODIs between them - did you see them once go up to Holder in those last few overs for a quick chat? Begs the question, does anyone in West Indies' cricket communicate anything? And when they do, it's usually to gag the players, telling them to shut up or turn up and play a farewell series with India.

Oh, just read that Jason Holder was picked up by CSK in the 2013 IPL auctions.

First published in daily O

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Of all the reasons to sack John Dyson

I was shocked to hear of John Dyson’s sacking. For one, I didn’t think he was still coach. How could he be, after all he did for West Indies’ cricket?

But now that he was coach, there was no way they could sack him. For a guy who couldn’t read, he sure did go far. Guess we’ll all remember him for calling the Duckworth Lewis wrong and helping West Indies’ lose a one-day international. That it was against England, hurt more.

But that was the least of it. The sheer impertinence of the man after that defeat; did you see his reaction? He wanted to take it up with the match refs. Appears he also wanted to sue the text book manufacturers for a tight column width.

It was clear at that moment, in Dyson’s incompetence the West Indies Cricket Board (WICB) saw a beacon of hopelessness, a reflection of their own ineptness, and the generally acceptable standards of foolishness: Be a dunce today, for tomorrow we die.

John Dyson was their man. It did help that he shared John Buchanan’s first name. And he was an Australian too. He may not have been a Greg Chappell, but then nobody’s imperfect.

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who is tying rakhi to whom today...

india is celebrating raksha bandhan...

i can understand slow net traffic today...eligible bachelors...and some self proclaimed hunks will be hiding in their bunkers ...while gals will be busy chasing them...

...but i was smart and took my laptop with me...to post a post on raksha bandhan...cricket style!

so who will be tying rakhi to whom in cricket today...

badrinath, amit mishra will be tying the rakhi on MSD's hand which will make him duty bound to include them in final xi at least when selectors select them for future tours...

pujara, our own CHE, will be looking to do the same to selectors to at least select him first...as playing in final xi is a distant dream...

while indian players are looking for wada officials to tie rakhi and requesting elimination of whereabouts clause...icc will be looking to do the same to bcci to end impasse...

deshis have prolonged their stay in west indies just to tie rakhi to wicb and wipa officials to provide them a wonderful opportunity to win test and odi series with a request for similar tours in future...

aussie players have taken cue from indian culture and prepared a special rakhi for rudi koertzen to go easy on them...

while i will by tying the rakhi to the those who will come up with more such instances...

happy raksha bandhan to one and all!!

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WICB SUCKS!

And how! First WICB sucks. Then they sucks blood.

Here you go, the Lamentations of Julian Hunte by Zikdaman @WICB Sucks, a remake of the Mighty Sparrow classic “Kerry Packer”.

Hunte say ban them immediately
I’m the man in authority
If ah say you play you play
If ah tell you nay is nay
Anytime ah drop you you flop
Good form could never bring you back up

I remain cricket lord and its master
Ah go fire all dem WIPA players
Cause the public is so apathetic
They go talk but won’t do nothing bout it

Captain Christopher Gayle mustn’t be spared
Instead we got bajan big bat Dale Richards
Scabs never sign for protection with militant WIPA
So if we pay dem or don’t it nuh matter

Click here to Sing more, Suck more!

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The mirror has two faces

We saw comedy of errors

See what the common man in Roseau is saying...

Overheard at Windsor Park, Roseau, Dominica

Maan tomorrow the WICB would say, "It was not a fake team, acknowledge now... That boy, Dowlin scored a ton. It shows the strength of our team". And then click on the WIPA website they would say, "The way Bangladesh fielded even Walsh would have scored a double ton"

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West Indies vs. West Indies: Comedy of errors

Round 1: Clive Lloyd and Michael Holding give the West Indies Cricket Board (WICB) and the West Indies Players’ Association (WIPA) a verbal lashing. Talk of greed and personal scores being settled in the player-board impasse.

Round2: WIPA strike back: “many of its members had rejected lucrative contracts with the unsanctioned ICL and pointed out that Lloyd and other leading players of his generation had signed up with the Kerry Packer's rebel World Series Cricket (WSC), which had forced the West Indies board to field second-string sides for several series.

Cricinfo: Unlike the IPL in which Chris Gayle and others are involved and which is recognised by the ICC, WSC was not sanctioned by this body. Lloyd and his team blazed the path for better remuneration for players by participating in the WSC.

"WIPA does not think that Mr Lloyd and others did so for greed."

If nothing else, you gotta give the WIPA this much, their communication is spot on. Incredible then, how they never seem to get their point across.

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West Indies vs. West Indies

Now you can either follow cricket or cricket politics. The way it works for me, I stay clear of the politics. But such is the stink of West Indies’ politics, I smelt it on the other side of the world.

I have no time for the dammed politicking of the WICB and WIPA – and they have no time for each other – if you still don’t know what they are, keep it that way. What will you gain knowing that WICB is the inept West Indies Cricket Board, and the WIPA, the equally inept West Indies Players’ Association? They have gained nothing, and I bet they too don’t know what the WICB and the WIPA stand for.

West Indian cricket is damned, looks as if it’s going to stay that way. From a super minnow they are now a mini minnow. Yeah, not as if the Windies was the most watchable team…ok, that rationalisation doesn’t ease the pain. They were, in spite of themselves, watchable for me at least. Even though they stretched my late nights later, they always were inexplicably watchable.

More so in those romantic defeats and last ball 6 that Chanderpaul hit and ran like a pre-pubescent schoolboy! They made ODIs watchable, anyone who does that has cracked the code. But now, look at them. There is no West Indies cricket team. There’s a wannabe bunch that hangs out for some beach cricket, why don’t they wear Bermudas? They’re sinking, and with them, so is cricket in the Caribbean.

This bunch loses to Bangladesh in tests, and continues to lose in the ODIs. This is the lot that will make the Champions Trophy. This bunch makes it almost impossible for me to write about cricket, or watch cricket. Excuse me while I grab a quick nap.

I’d like to think it was lunch, but I know, it’s the dog eat dog world of West Indies cricket.


Also read: Pansies of the Caribbean 1

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