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Date - 9th Dec 2010
Setting - Aussies selector meeting
Minutes:
Selector 1 - Mate, we are gathered here to mourn the untimely demise of Aus...
Selector 2 (interrupting) - Not yet. We still have 3 more to go. However, considering our form, you may need to wait just 1 more test (winks)..
Selector 1 - The player form or ours (winks back)
Guru G - Stop counting chickens before they hatch. We need to discover the diamond in our boys.
Selector 1 - I told you before, oh fingered one, lay off the big words. No cameras here.
Note - The selectors have no idea they are being Radiaed. (For international viewers - Assanged)
Selector 1 - Right, whom do we throw out?
Selector 2 - Bollie. I am worried he will tear out his hair after seeing the crap performance of his mates. We shall get back Mitch. He has already suffered permanent brain damage what with his radar, mum, chick and excess tattoos. Will not make a difference to him.
Selector 1 - Xavier too needs to go. He has had his chance and played his role perfectly.
Selector 2 - He did get KP. Though it would have been good if he had got him some 180 runs before.
Selector 1 - Whom do we now give a chance?
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - White does not fancy bowling spin much anymore. And he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - Kreztja? I cannot even pronounce his name. And he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - Grimmett - He is dead. Even then, he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Guru G - We need to think beyond left armers. I say let us bring on Trevor...
Selector 1 - Underarm is banned mate.
Guru G - Ohh sorry
Selector 2 - Hauritz? HAURITZ - Nathan "motherf***ing Hauritz??
Selector - It is decided then. There ain't any spinner of note remaining in Australia. We need to bring back Warne.
Guru G - Warney shall play only when he is allowed to wear pansy blue shit, bowl only 4 overs a day, get a chance to flirt with cheerleaders and CA chiefs and apply Moove to his creaking joints and muscles.
Selector 1 - We have a problem.
Selector 2 - H.....never mind.
Guru G - This is too much. I need a beer.
Selector 1 - Great thinking Guru G. Get me Beer.
Selector 2 - (shoots himself).
The curious case of Beer
Warne offers Hauritz help
The great leg spinning captain of the suspended Rajasthan Royals, Shane Warne, has offered to help the beleagured Australian test spinner Nathan Hauritz. Warne is of the opinion that, if Hauritz is gonna be such a shite offspinner where he starts the ball waaay outside the offstump and rarely attack the stumps, he might as well become a legspinner. At least he can blame it on the fact that being a wrist spinner is an extremely hard task and the ball doesn't come out all right, all the time.
The acute eyes of Warne doesn't miss anything. He said in an interview on why he prefers Hauritz over Steve Smith. "Steve Smith is still a long way short of being Australia's No.1 Test spinner" and the fact that Smith is actually a pig. The shrewd warne figured out pigs can't bowl leg spin. (Although, all the women that Warne has bedded would disagree.)
He further added on the diffident mentality of the current Australian team. "The best way to learn to win is have a mindset where you have to attack. You have to be prepared to lose.. to win..". He might as well be talking about his upcoming poker tournament in Vegas or Monaco or London or Mars, who really knows!
When asked why he uses LOL so much while he tweets, Warne said, "Mate, I have made a tape of recent Australia matches where Punter's captaincy is in full flow. And the darned tape is stuck on repeat!"
Jatman and the spinnerman.
When did Jatman last face a spinner? This series he hasn’t, and facing Bhajji in the nets doesn’t count.
What about Amit Mishra – to downsize the little boy further, he doesn’t get a net now. While Jadeja on song doesn’t bowl all ten in the middle, in the nets they want him to bat instead.
But that has little to do with Jatman. Hauritz has still not faced him. Deal is Jatman has curfew – Sehwag ki maa told him to return from the crease within the first power play.
But just imagine, if and when Jatman faces Hauritz, even if it’s just for one ball.
Even if Jatman is at the non-strikers end: Hauritz will still be facing him.
Pause, think about Hauritz droopy sad eyebrows.
Even before he can bowl, his grip on the ball will slip, the seam will go awry, sad eyebrows even sadder – don’t do me like that.
Ponting will give Hauritz two mid-offs – the taller guy a few feet behind.
Of course Jatman will hit Hauritz there, nowhere else to go.
But the result don’t matter, what does is that Jatman and spinnerman will meet.
Today. There’s nothing else to this series, is there?
And say, if they get beyond their shy acquaintance – if it lasts six balls, a full over, a moment in time.
How will Jatman flog the spinnerman, like he would a sinnerman.
The tight angles behind will come into play, inside out, outside in, no way out, cut a mutt, get outta the rut, the dead series could come alive.
If only Ponting removes mid off.
BCC! EXCLUSIVE video: Dhoni struggles against net bowler!
He has made Peter Siddles and Nathan Hauritzs look pretty pedestrian. But here you have MS Dhoni finding a net bowler too hot to handle.
And there is a tint of annoyance in his voice also as Mahi says:
"Seedha daalo, off-spin (!) karne ki zarurat nahi. Pehle hi wicket kharab hai (Pitch it straight, don’t try offspin. The track is already in bad shape)."
