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Date - 9th Dec 2010
Setting - Aussies selector meeting
Minutes:
Selector 1 - Mate, we are gathered here to mourn the untimely demise of Aus...
Selector 2 (interrupting) - Not yet. We still have 3 more to go. However, considering our form, you may need to wait just 1 more test (winks)..
Selector 1 - The player form or ours (winks back)
Guru G - Stop counting chickens before they hatch. We need to discover the diamond in our boys.
Selector 1 - I told you before, oh fingered one, lay off the big words. No cameras here.
Note - The selectors have no idea they are being Radiaed. (For international viewers - Assanged)
Selector 1 - Right, whom do we throw out?
Selector 2 - Bollie. I am worried he will tear out his hair after seeing the crap performance of his mates. We shall get back Mitch. He has already suffered permanent brain damage what with his radar, mum, chick and excess tattoos. Will not make a difference to him.
Selector 1 - Xavier too needs to go. He has had his chance and played his role perfectly.
Selector 2 - He did get KP. Though it would have been good if he had got him some 180 runs before.
Selector 1 - Whom do we now give a chance?
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - White does not fancy bowling spin much anymore. And he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - Kreztja? I cannot even pronounce his name. And he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - Grimmett - He is dead. Even then, he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Guru G - We need to think beyond left armers. I say let us bring on Trevor...
Selector 1 - Underarm is banned mate.
Guru G - Ohh sorry
Selector 2 - Hauritz? HAURITZ - Nathan "motherf***ing Hauritz??
Selector - It is decided then. There ain't any spinner of note remaining in Australia. We need to bring back Warne.
Guru G - Warney shall play only when he is allowed to wear pansy blue shit, bowl only 4 overs a day, get a chance to flirt with cheerleaders and CA chiefs and apply Moove to his creaking joints and muscles.
Selector 1 - We have a problem.
Selector 2 - H.....never mind.
Guru G - This is too much. I need a beer.
Selector 1 - Great thinking Guru G. Get me Beer.
Selector 2 - (shoots himself).
The curious case of Beer
Black Sunday
The day started normal. Woke up late. Got fresh and went for coffee with a friend. Chatted for a couple of hours. Came home. Put on the TV to see how Pakistan is doing in the 2nd inning. See them struggle. Comment on their Jeckyll and Hyde syndrome on Twitter. Then see some really strange Tweets. People are abusing Mohd. Aamer. Sidin is tweeting that no balls should be banned. Thought that dig was a week overdue. Then read on Cricinfo. SPOT FIXING ALLEGATIONS. I shrug. This is Pakistan. A heavy defeat leads to nutcases crying "fixing". Then see people whom I trust abusing Pakistan. Jarrod Kimber, Pakistan's biggest Australian supporter writes his most emotional post till date. You can see his tears dripping from each word. What the fuck is going on?
Still in denial. Think this team has made Test cricket more compelling just on its own. Cannot be true. Tweet about maintaining calm. Get a heated response on Twitter. Heated response on cricket is usual. But this was from Venkat Ananth. Something is not right. I still Tweet my support for Aamer. He is too precious a lad to go waste this early. Then I log on to Bored. Then I get hold of the NOTW link.
Blackout.
I see the ugly nature of cricket. Two of the best fast bowlers of the current times, two bowlers supposed to cary forward the legacy of fast bowling, whoring their souls for a fistful of dollars. I read the comments which the commentary team passed. They are incredulous. But they, like me and countless others gave these two the benefit of doubt. We needed concrete proof. Sadly, we got it.
Why would they do it? Asif, one can understand. Doping, fights with the Rawalpindi chindi, affairs and tifs with TV starlets, you can see him do such an act. But Aamer? The boy has "great fast bowler" written in his destiny in bright neon colours. Why does he have to do it? Do these fellows not have enough trust in their talent that they have to make money like this?
The story of the Pakistan tea of late has been akin to a Greek tragedy. I do not intend to recap it. Just will say that the last thing Pakistan needed as a team and a country (ravaged with floods, encroached by extremists, led by a dalaal) is this. The last thing Test cricket needed was this. This has been a Black Sunday.
For Pakistan. For cricket.
P.S. : The grand old man of cricket nails it:
What happens if a bowler runs up and bowls a ball which is correctly called 'no-ball' by the umpire?
Will fans turn to one another and raise their eyebrows or just shake their heads and think about walking out of the ground.
Just a thought.
It is a testament of today's screwed up world that the only way to know whether the Pakistan team is playing "home" or "away" against England is whether the match is telecast on Ten Sport or Star Cricket.
The rapist pitch
Centuries ago, people used to call the pitch at the Sharjah a bowlers nightmare. The pitch on which the current match is going on and countless such airstrips masquerading as pitches in the subcontinent seem to have gone a step further. Just 4 wickets gone in just two days. That means a dismissal every one and a half session. A wicket every 44.3 overs. Heck, I could have survived a few overs on this "pitch".
Admitted, the bowling on display was not great. However as seen in the last match, a little help transformed the Indian pea shooters to at least the "competent" level. Here help was in the form of the opposing captain saying "I Declare". The Lankan bowlers must have cringed on hearing those words.
Anjelo Matthews was warned officially for running on the pitch. I have a sneaking suspicion that he purposely danced on the pitch so that he could be banned and his sanity saved. If that is the case, I admire the fella.
This ain't a bowlers' graveyard. After toiling hard, if you get a century of runs made against you, you would prefer to be dead. Graveyard is where the dead rest undisturbed. Bowlers would wish to go spend the rest of their lives in the grave if they were told to bowl on pitches like these for the rest of their lives.
This thing is an undead bowler rapist.
The inscrutable bunch
- A player who has made retiring and unretiring a hobby of sorts.
- A player accused of tampering the pitch / ball / both who is appointed captain.
- A premier fast bowler who has gone through a gamut of problems which range from indiscipline to throwing to genital warts.
- Another fastie who when he is not snorting, is the real successor of the “Pigeon” (Finn can go fly a kite)
- A kid who enthralls us with his prefect “Waz” impressions i.e. if we are not grappling with the actual quantum of his age.
- A bowler who can bowl toe crushers in his sleep when he is not abusing his IPL captain.
- A pair of hyper talented brothers who can be as prolific as the Waughs if they curb their knack of indulging in, well, shady activities.
- A team whose current members and alumni have been accused of all sort of actions ranging from match fixing to ball tampering to smoking hash to rebelling against captain/coach to….well, all sort of actions.
- A team gifted with a board which is daft / unprofessional/ clueless and the “butt” of all jokes.
- A team which gifts fivers to devastating bowlers like Watson, North and, well, Ganguly (Toronto, you remember??)
- A team that has their top players retiring/deserting/sulking all the time and which still can compete with the best (though in patches).
- A team which can have a young and inexperienced player become captain at short notice and still blast the opposition for less than 100 runs.
This may sound like an extremely disjointed and inconsistent post. In a way it perfectly symbolizes the Pakistan cricket team.
Boom Boom or "Too Phattu to play real cricket" Afridi
Asia Cup 2010 - Match 1 - Pakistan in deep shit chasing 240 odd. Captain Afridi comes out, plays his usual boom boom shots but more importantly mixes them with caution and sensible play. He almost wins the match singlehandedly but for cramps, fuckall running and nincompoop teammates.
Pak Vs Aus Test match 1 at Lords - Pakistan in deep shit chasing 250 odd to take the 1st innings lead. Captain Afridi comes out, plays his usual boom boom shots but more importantly (and frankly, pathetically) forgets the caution and sensible play he showed in the Asia Cup (and the World T20s). If he could play that way in a stupid ODI, why cannot he in the Tests. Does the sight of close in fielders make him pee in his pants? Or is it that he does not give a damn about Test cricket?
I refuse to respect Afridi. Anyone who does not respect Test cricket and prefers stupid T20s over it is not respectworthy and, dare I say, man enough.
94 - Are you f'n kidding me??
The current IPL format with its 40 odd match is by itself exhausting to follow. What are the franchisee owners smoking that has made them lobby to keep the existing format inspite of the addition of two teams and increase the matches to a mind boggling 94? Do they not understand the concept of overkill?
It would seem logical if the franchisees had only a short term outlook (one to two years). Then it would be understandable if were to milk the cash cow dry. But these chaps have committed to the IPL for 10 frigging years. Their balance sheet is writing off the entire fixed cost incurred on bidding for franchises over ten long years. A 94 match tournament may bring in the moolah in the first year (i.e. IPL 4) and show and lead to a good balance sheet for FY12. However if, sorry when the diminishing returns funda sets in....
Also the IPL will miss Lalit Modi's service. Say what you want about him but the IPL worked because of him and his team. With them gone, we have the fat suits like Chirayu Amin left. Will the management skills of Modi and his team be replicated by these chaps? Especially when it comes to maintaining interest of 90 plus matches.
Asia Cup or Micromax Cup played between Asian countries
The Football World Cup is having its main sponsor as Coca Cola. Coca Cola chose the theme song for the Cup (which is quite an awesome song by the way). However the World Cup is not referred to as the Coca Cola World Cup.
Rolex has installed its only digital watches in the Wimbledon Courts to serve as the timekeeper of the matches played there. However no commentator refers to Rolex in stupid ways like "Rolex Time outs" and "the match has gone for 4 long hours as shown in the Rolex clocks".
The Olympics are the pinnacle of quite a few sports. All the eminent athletes sport gear of their sponsors (Nike, Reebok, Adidas) who tend to bring out new and improved versions of their products during the Games the motive being that a small part of success of their endorsers is attributed to the cutting edge provided by these products. There is a lot of money at stake. However no one has dared to lure the Olympic organizers to rename it as, say "Mixcromax Olympics"
My point is why the major tournaments organised by the cricket boards are prefixesd by the names of the bloody sponsors. I get it if triangulers are named so. However why are supposedly prestigious Cups like the Asia Cup or the World Cup given the "Micromax" treatment.
Asia Cup used to be a prestigious tournament. Now it seems to have become an afterthought due to the surplus of cricket and decline in the popularity of ODIs. The last thing to do to make it more relevant is to call it the "Micromax Asia Cup". Everyone forgets the Asia and only remembers the Micromax part and the stupid Akshay Kumar laugh-heehaw mixture. Now to add to that picture, we have the glorified bimbo Twinkle Khanna.
If the ICC wants cricket to be taken seriously, shouldn't this practice be stopped? Sponsors should be grateful of associated with cricket. They should not be pampered by making their brand names glorified adjectives.
Kotla ka Ghotala and other IPL related things.
Watching the game between the KXIP and the Double Ds, one has to wonder why is the Kotla getting a game. The pitch is not even fit for gully cricket. The pitch at Gandhi Maidan in Chembur, Mumbai has more consistentcy than this one. If the game can be shiftd from grounds because of things like tiffs with the home associations, civil unrest, etc., it is high time it gets shifted for cricketing reasons!!
Talking of tiffs, has anyone been following the tweets of the greatest Modi of them all? He has been laying into the Rajasthan CA officials for percieved mistreatment of RR officials. It is to be noted that the Modi was once chief of RCA before being defeated in the elections. Soon after the defeat comes the news that RR matches are being shifted to Gujarat which has a friendlier CA. While the tiff is expected, what is not expected is the use of Twitter. Has Twitter become this influential?
Yesterday was the day when Rahul Dravid announced to the world that he has been picked in RCB for batting. Yesterday was also the day when Uttappha introduced to the world his version of the switch hit - the Ultappha.
Some questions about the IPL.
(thought about while pondering why there are no two matches today when it is a holiday while there were two on 31st March when half the Indian financial world was burning the midnight oil closing the damn books)
1. Why does the billion dollar IPL (as claimed by the greatest Lalit of them all) have to resort to pimping its cheerleaders on the mobile? Talking of cheerleaders, why are all of them white and look distinctly East European? Wasn’t there a KKR run reality show in 2009 to find an Indian cheerleader? What happened to her? Is it because….
2. Why is it that the commentary seems less about the cricket and more about fitting in corporate names even at the cost of making the elderly gentlemen who used to play the game sound like roadside hawkers selling mobiles, real estate, banking services and tires.
3. Speaking of tires, has anyone working for the billion dollar (heh!) entity even cared to do a Google Image search on a “blimp”?
4. Why is it that the bottom rung team always has to have some controversy on the sidelines? The Laxman- Gilly tug of wars in IPL 1, the Ganguly- Buchanan – SRK-Fakeiplplayer fracas of IPL 2 and now, the Yuvraj – Sangakarra nonsense. Can’t it simply be that the other seven teams are performing much better? Why is it that Yuvraj is struggling because of non cricketing issues? Can’t it be that he is just not that good as we thought?
5. Why is there no anti corruption unit member supervising the game? A “billion dollars” are at stake. We have team owners sitting in the players’ dugout, a place where no non team member should be even hovering around. We have lots of the shady types sitting in the members’ enclosure doing their “business” on their blackberries and other gizmos. If this were Sharjah, there would have been an outcry already.
6. Why is a nobody like Arjun Yadav even wearing a player’s uniform, let alone pocketing lacks of rupees? Is it because he is the son of a certain Shivlal Yadav? Speaking of sons, thankfully the cricketing exploits of the son of Bishen were not shoved down our throats. Is this the small return for us in return of us having to bear with his mike skills?
7. If this is not an ICC controlled event, why are the umpires standing belonging to the ICC elite panel. Wouldn’t they have preferred the rest from the hectic schedule which they often use as excuse when the umpiring in a Test or an ODI crosses the realms of crap?
8. Talking of umpires, why are there no referrals? Surely a billion dollar (love these two words) enterprise can afford these fine technologies which makes the game fairer. They can even hawk them (Hotmail Hot Spot anyone?). Also the referrals take time. Which means more ads. Guess Mr. Modi ain’t that bright after all.
by Dhaanu
Blogs at Bakwaas Bateein (Random Rambling of a raving borderline lunatic)
Some thoughts about the IPL
(thought about while Akshay Kumar was jumping around like a monkey and laughing like a donkey)
1) Win or lose, someone makes money – IPL 1 was the beginning. There were the DLF Maximums and the Citi Moments of Success. We stifled a puke. IPL 2 introduced the strategic timeout. We almost barfed. Now in addition to the DLFers, we have the Karbonn Kamaal Catches. And ads between deliveries. Shots of the MRF blimp thingy. Lots of shots of the MRF blimp thingy. Akshay Kumar heehawing, Gauti – Viru doing a Brokeback imitation, players singing “Ooh La La La La”…cannot control it, gotta go hurl.
2) Owners or mascots – More than the players, the franchises are increasingly being recognized by their team owners/mascots, especially the female ones. Preity Zinta is KXIP, Nita Ambani is MI and Shilpa Shetty is RR. A great shot by Tendulker and the next shot is of Nita Ambani with her half an inch smile. A diving stop by Yuvraj (becoming a rarity these days) and we see Zinta jumping up and down. What better way to target the female demography which controls the remote control in the Indian homes than to show someone whom they can identify with the most?
3) Harsha Bhogle is God – Amidst all the nonsensical soundbytes about tracer bullets, huge shots (which barely cross the ropes) and double Ds, there is one beacon of hope, an oasis in the desert, a diamond of the coal mine, a….should stop (hearing too much commentary is injurious for mental health),. He goes by the name of Harsha Bhogle. The man is awesome enough to talk sense even while burdened with compulsorily plugging those sponsors. The man was the first to mention ICL and get away with it. He also spoke words to the effect of “The law is an ass”. And he also is self assured enough to tolerate jokes about his brand new hair.
4) Welcome to E..E…Extraa Innings – You want any proof of Set Max trying to capture the eyeballs of the ladies. I present you the hosts (in the set and on the field). All chosen based on the symmetry of their faces, broad shoulders and proven track record of attracting the ladies. Only thing forgotten by the worthies working for the channels was checking the effect brought about by the “hunks” exercising their vocal chords. For proof of that, I submit before you the only exhibit required – Angad Bedi!! The only thing he is good at is wearing a too small for his biceps suit. His stammering makes SRK’s talking seem normal. He looks petrified before the camera and he makes you do something totally against his brief- change the channel. However one good side effect of hiring this flesh and blood mannequin is that the ranting of a certain retired left arm slow bowler have ceased. For the time being.
5) The ICL effect – Who among the new Indian players seem promising to you? Most of you will pick Sathish, Rayadu, and Jhunjhunwala among others like Tiwari and Tiwary, Naman Ojha and half the RR side (Warne is awesome btw.). The common thread that binds the first three chaps is that they were earlier known as the ICL rebels. These are not the only one. Waiting in the wings are other ICLers like Stuart Binny, G. Vighnesh and Ali Murthaza. One chance and I bet they would prove themselves invaluable. Two years in that league have certainly enhanced the skills of these guys. For that, ICL should be given its due.
6) Class: IPL 1 was not good for the senior citizenry of cricket with Tendulkar, Kallis and Gilly struggling to keep up with the relatively new format. IPL 2 saw them more attuned. IPL 3 is seeing them at their best showing the young turks why they are the real deal. Tendulkar’s “killing ‘em softly” strokeplay, Kallis’s all round excellence and Murali’s vicious turners (not to forget Vaas, Hayden and Kumble) are the real highlight of the IPL for me.
These are some of the random thoughts about the IPL crossing my mind today. And I have not even mentioned other awesome fellas like Agarkar. More to come.
by Dhaanu
blogs at Bakwaas Baatein (Random rambling of a raving borderline lunatic)
IPL auction 3 – Of Pakistani outrage, Calypso mercenaries and KKR follies.
The player auction at IPL3 got over last week and has led to one Godawefully stinking mess of a controversy. We have Pakistani politicians, ex cricketers, cricketers, lawyers, effigy burners, jobless people and their dogs doing some serious IPL, Modi and naturally India bashing. The Pakistani crickets and administrators became one after God knows how many centuries.
It all started innocently. The auctioneer named cricketer and the owner waved their batons (or whatever you call them…drumsticks?) to signal their bids. So far so good. Then Afridi’s name came up and everyone (mainly the media having nothing else to do and Afridi) was curious as to how much dough will the player of the tournament of the last 20/20 world cup go for. The answer was zero. Breaking news, screamed the websites. Afridi not picked! The rest of the Pakistanis also not picked!!
If one thinks of it, are the franchises to be blamed for the “snub” to the Pakistanis? Consider the current India Pakistan relations. 26/11 is still fresh in every Indian’s mind and the Kasab trial is making most of us even more irritated. The politicians in Pakistan are not helping matters by making statements like “cannot guarantee another 26/11 occurrence”. Another occurrence of 26/11 will make the mending of relations as easy as guessing the ages of teenage Pakistani cricketers. In such a circumstance, who will have the guts to spend thousands of dollars in picking a Pakistani player thereby using up a foreigner’s slot without the surety of using him to the optimum? Lots of money is at stake, money which is not easy to come up what with the economic downturn still going on strong. Last year, the Government categorically ruled out giving the IPL first preference when it came to national security. It seems to be a very sound call taken by the franchises in not going after the Pakistanis and it seems to be a business call. That’s all. So can our next door neighbours cool down and concentrate on the real problems they face at home?
Trivia – What connects Somerset, South Australia, Mumbai and Trinidad? Answer is subject of the next paragraph.
Kieron Pollard was picked by MI for a sum of atleast $750000 (achettup put it at $2.75 mn.). Which comes to roughly Rs. 79 lakhs per game if MI does reach the finals. Pretty sure all franchises must have been kicking themselves in not going after him last year when he was listed at a whopping$60000. While the English tabloids are calling Freddie Flintoff the first mercenary, Pollard has become the first active mercenary with contracts to play for four different teams in four continents.
Trivia 2 – What connects Canterbury, Delhi (unofficially) and Kolkata? I am sure you know the answer by now.
This IPL auction thingy sure throws surprises. Their favourite brand of surprises is their strange benevolence to certain players who, well, do not deserve it. IPL 1 had Kaif going for over $0.5 mn. We laughed. IPL 2 had Mortaza go for over $0.6 mn. We raised an eyebrow “The Rock” style. IPL3 now has the injury prone, brittle bones, 30 + Kiwi fastie with no relation to Sean Connery or Daniel Craig going for $ 0.75 mn. We stop whatever we were doing and marvel at the stupidity of whoever thought it a sound investment. Then we saw that the bidder was KKR. I can imagine Shane Bond opening the bowling in front of a packed Eden Garden crowd ably supported by Mashrafe Mortaza. The support being too much, 007 breaks down in the first over itself. Replacing him and trying to replicate his speed is……..Ajit Agarkar.
Such joy…for the opposing team.
In other news, Kaif was picked up by Punjab, no doubt as a ransom to free the Kings’ captaincy from the clutches of his best pal, three potential scene stealers were bought for less than or equal to $100 K (Voges, Abdullah and Kemp) and Rajasthan Royals showed who is boss in their midst by picking the happily retired senior citizen of Aussie cricket Mr. Martyn.
by Dhaanu
blogs at Bakwaas Baatein (Random rambling of a raving borderline lunatic)
