Sachin Tendulkar in the Rajya Sabha.

Sachin steps out from a white Ambassador, is greeted by a flurry of photographers, journos and freshly appointed cheerleaders

Sachin (clearing his throat and with that his way through the crowd): It’s a privilege…

But such is the noise that the privileged statement is lost on deaf ears…the crowd continues to huddle ask inane questions…

Journo 1: Sachin, how do you think being an MP in the Rajya Sabha will affect your cricket form?

Journo 2: Like you have scored 100 100s are you looking to pass 100 bills too…

Journo 1: sir, Sachin…please…(repeats question) Sachin, how do you think being an MP in the Rajya Sabha will affect your cricket form?

Journo 3: Have you thought of a career in Bollywood?

Journo 4: What was your conversation with Soniajee that day

Journo 5: Sachin! Areh Sachin listen no…very impo-r-tant question…what does Anjali mam think of all this…

Journo 6: Would you like Sarah and Arjun to do politics or cricket

Sachin: It’s been a privilege to…

The commotion is much too much, safari suited, ray banned security walk him through to security…but at security Sachin is stopped, as is everyone

Security 1: Sachin! please autograph…

The security guy produces three t-shirts, two cricket bats, and a few note pads…

Sachin smiles, signs each one of them.

Then the other security guy shows his gun –

Security2: Sir, Sachin sir, please sign on gun, sir, it’s always with me…and if there is another attack, God forbid, I will attack the attacker with master blaster’s autograph wallah gun bat…(weak laugh)

Sachin smiles, signs the gun.

The safari suited ray banned security is impatient, but only because they want a few autographs for themselves

Apologies from the security as Sachin is asked to walk through the metal detector – which starts to beep madly

They all apologise for the sound…

Security 1(smiling weakly): Sorry Sachin, it is not working properly…

Security2 (smiling weakly): Sorry sir, Sachin, but I have to frisk you…

Security 1: No, no…I have to frisk you…

Security 2: It is my…

Just then Rajiv Shukla appears and apologises

Shukla: Sorry, but it is procedure even when I went to United States they…

The frisking is done, and Sachin walks towards the galleries…he looks up, as he often does when he goes on to bat…the crowds inside are going nuts, much as they do in the stadium…

Ravi Shastri is centre stage with microphone –

Ravi Shastri: Cricket really need this…er ha I mean the Rajya Sabha really needed this….

Mad applause, the MPs are all slapping their tables with miniature bats branded with Kingfisher …

Ravi Shastri (continues)…Upper house goes the finger!!

Sachin smiles weakly, somewhat embarrassed

Mukesh Bhai and Nita Bhabhi appear next to Shastri, they take the mike and start to speak…

The MPs go nuts, appears the Lok Sabha MPs too have gate-crashed the party

Dozens of cameras roll on Sachin, they have that same motion-capture technique that immortalized Sachin in that adidas ad years ago, the same director too…

Sachin stands still amongst all that, smiles…

Sachin: It’s a privilege…

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The 20th Over (starring Yo Mahesh & Joginder Sharma)

Like Yo Mahesh, Joginder Sharma too was a strapping lad of 24 when he bowled that life changing 20^th over. As in Jogi’s case, Yo too was entrusted the ball by MSD. And even though the outcome was quite different from September 24, 2007, Yo knew at once – there was a karmic connection that he shared with Jogi.

What should he do? It was late at night, but he had to make that one phone call a prisoner is allowed – he decided to call Joginder Sharma (and not Misbah)

Phone rings on and on, nobody answers. Yo tries again, still no answer.  Yo paces the tiny deluxe room (much smaller than the suites his seniors snore in) and decides to call once more.

This time the phone is answered

Joginder Sharma (tired): H-e-l-l-o?

Yo Mahesh: Hello, Hello, Jogi Paaji, hello?

Joginder Sharma: S-p-e-a-k-i-n-g

Yo Mahesh: Jogi Paaji, Yo here! Yo Mahesh…

Joginder Sharma: O-H!

Yo Mahesh: I tried and tried calling nobody was picking still I tried calling and calling were you sleeping?

Joginder Sharma (shyly) No no..I was in toilet…watching you bowl that last over gave me the shits…

Yo Mahesh: Brought back memories of 2007?

Joginder Sharma: The moment MS threw you the ball, my stomach went…not again…

Yo Mahesh (restless) so sorry, y’kno after today…after bowling that last over…I don’t know how to handle it…you won the match…I lost it…and you became an instant hero…

Joginder Sharma (matter of fact): You’re lucky you didn’t win the match. I won the match and did not play another T20 for India…

(long silence on either side)

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Happy Vishu! Happy Baisakhi! (starring Bhajji & Sree)

Mini National Integration film:

Sreesanth: Oye, Happy Baisakhi Paaji!

Audio (sfx) SLAP!! 

Bhajji: Happy Vishu Sree!

Sreesanth: I didn't cry!

Bhajji: I didn't slap you!

Sreesanth: Oh! That was old footage? haha

Message: Forget the past. Move on India.

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The case for Suresh Raina.

Raina finds himself in the playing eleven of The Oval test. After the day’s play is rained off, the Indian cricket fans make a citizen’s arrest, following which our suspect is produced in a corner shop court.

Raina makes a dramatic entry into court, anticipating another ball coming his way, he feigns fielding it – instead he topples a whole lotta chutneys and pickles, landing right in front of the judge, Mr. Patel.   

Judge Patel: The defendant may rise…

Raina (rising, smiling): I enjoy fielding very much

Judge Patel: You bloody fool, what have you done to my pickles…

Judge Patel’s daughter, Vaishali: Oh Dad, don’t be so harsh on Suresh, he’s just a young hick from outta town…

Just then Graeme Hick enters the shop and objects

Graeme Hick: I object to Raina being compared to me, when I was his age…ohh I too had my problems with the short ball (sobs)

Prosecutor Patel: Hick, you have proved a useful Witness, 10% discount to you, thank you

Defence, Vaishali Patel: In that case I will be Suresh’s defence…Patel uncle

Judge Patel (to Raina): The defendant will rise…(knocks a ‘Kitchens of India’ can for empasis)

Raina (dewy eyed at Vaishali): Yes I will…rise

Prosecutor Patel: That is contempt of court…you

Defence, Vaishali Patel: Daddy…eh.. Your Honour…Suresh Raina my client has an excellent record in the IPL and in the subcontinent, if you could only be so lenient and think back to the 1970s, to 1972 in particular when you and your brethren were so harshly evicted from your beloved Uganda by the evil Idi Amin and arrived here in England without an iota of experience against the swing, against the short ball that those tough times threw at you...

Prosecutor Patel: Clearly besides the point, the defence is...

Judge Patel: Don’t make me emotional, girl…you will not mention Uganda again and for your information I started afresh here, I made a good life for us here, what has Suresh Raina done to warrant such a comparison, I ask you, what has he done?

Defence, Vaishali Patel: I ask you to give me time…give my client till the 3^rd one-dayer, and he will prove himself worthy for my hand…er…of everyone’s trust

Raina (to his defense): Er Vaishali, thanks, can you not buy me a little more time like till when the Champions League starts in September?

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Irfan Pathan's Comeback Match.

To the narrow lanes of his childhood, Irfan returns. Kids are scattered around a makeshift wicket. The kids are oblivious of Irfan till he feigns a cough.

Kid1: Irfan, why are you here?

Kid2: Yeah, now you’ll say, you wanna open and be a pinch hitter

Irfan: No, no, no, I’m here to find my Mojo.

Kid3: Mojo…what, that’s an abuse like MO…

Irfan: Please, please children, Mojo is…how should I explain

Kid1: Simply

Irfan: Good idea, Coach said to me, “Irfan, if you have to find yourself, you must return to yourself”

Kid2: Eh? Then what are you doing in public, go find yourself in private

Kid1: And yeah, you will also find your..MO..whatever

Irfan (that disarming smile): I am here to return to basics

Kid3: That sounds like some old ratpatiya software…Basics

Irfan (that disarming smile again): Haha, nice one, but basics is where it started for me, and this gulli is where it started

The kids are now totally disarmed, by Irfan’s smile and words, the bats drop, the jaws drop, one kid’s loose half pants drop too.

Kid5: Irfan bhai, play with us, we will help you find your MO…

Irfan: Thank you, you are such a sweet boy. I don’t want to bat as a pinch hitter, I just want to bowl and put the ball in the right areas…

Kid 2 to Kid 3 (aside): Irfan bhai is watching too much cricket on TV…free time no

Irfan marks his bowling run up. It’s a cramped space so he is bang against a window in the wall. All intent when the window flies open, and knocks him out.

Woman: Oh ho, sorry sorry, I didn’t see you…usually they are kids playing and they never reach the window…sorry so sorry

Irfan (that smile again) and bowls, and dismisses the first kid with a big inswinging Yorker, followed by another and yet another, reminiscent of that Karachi test; only here the pitch is a fraction of those 22 yards.

Irfan: Thanks kids, that will be all…I am back.

And just then Yusuf appears.

Yusuf (to Irfan): Abeh yaar, Lankan league cancelled...lagta hai yahaan he khelna parega*

*looks like we'll have to play here only.

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Join the Indians after the Bangladesh match

After the previous two pre-match meetings, both in the swimming pool, the team is back on land, at the bar, sipping on their mocktails. And because there is no intention to get high, in jest, the players are lowering a toast. Sehwag, fondly Viru, the Jatman, is the first to lower a toast…

Viru: Gary, thanks for making me believe that the white ball is not that different from the red ball. Thanks for making me practice against the white ball in whites to simulate half test half ODI conditions, then in blue against the red ball and finally in blue against the white ball. Only you had the patience to talk me through my hate for this lowly form of cricket. Now I feel one day cricket is not that different from test cricket. I only hope I don’t start hating test cricket because of yo

Gary (lowers his toast, deadpan as ever) Thanks Viru, I hope it doesn’t come to that…Virat, you like to make a toast

Kohli (getting off the phone with Mallaya Jr): Yeah, Bangladesh is toast…

MSD who has been silent for some time now, steps in…

MSD (lowers toast) Well of course this is in the right spirit even though we are having mocktails and there are no spirits involved but we still have a few niggles and Sreesanth as Viru rightly said was the only player who did not do well so let me take this opportunity to lower a toast to Sree

Sreesanth’s nostrils further dilate at the reminder

Sreesanth: But I can dance, sing, I even sung a song for the Indian team when I wasn’t in it

MSD: Well of course you can still sing it

Sreesanth (overcome with emotion at being wanted): You serious? I can sing? Dance too?

Sachin (interrupts as he hints at exiting) Er..it’s getting’ dark…

Sreesanth (who mistakes that for Sachin singing continues) too dark to see, I feel like I’m knocking on heaven’s door…knock, knock, knocking on heaven’s door…

MSD: Gary, of course Sree is very talented…see out of Sachin’s comment he has made a new song…and like Viru he is also better off in test cricket so can you first make him practice with red ball in whites then red ball in blues and then white ball in blues because if it worked with Viru who knows it can work with Sree

Gary (reluctant) Err…I dunno…I can try…

Sreesanth (running out of the room, returns with a red ball in his whites): When can we start??

Viru (to Sree): You come with me, I will make you bowl at me for 50 overs…

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The night before the India Bangladesh game

Previously in the shallow waters of the kids’ pool, here’s what happened.

Present -  It’s dark except for some muted low lights behind the pool chairs; the hotel staff is cleaning the pool, some wade through the shallow while others walk alongside the pools’ perimeter with their pole-vaulting type cleaning rods. The Indian team mgt has bribed the cleaners to use the pool after hours. As planned, they meet in the deep end of the pool with Gary.

Gary: MS, you have something to say…

MSD: Well of course thanks Gary you are right there as I had said earlier when we met in the shallow waters of the kids’ pool with the water proof scorecard of the 2007 World Cup game with Bangladesh to do a quick recap that we will meet in the deep with Gary because more than a Revenge match that Viru had so rightly called it we need to see who are the big boys who will take the fight when the going gets tough so we are here where the going is tough in the deep and the pool cleaners will make it hard for us even though we have paid them off to carry on our monkey business at this hour of night so who all are in attendance I will make a roll call because I can’t tell in the dark who is who and what is what…Sachin

Sachin (adjusting his trunks in the water, the great one squeeks): Present

Gary: Thank you Sachin for coming, you didn’t have to

MSD: Well of course it sets an example for the youngsters that even a senior player like Sachin has come for a late night meeting in the pool when we know how he feels about late night meetings from the IPL parties which he so rightly did not attend to extend his career…Viru

Right at that moment, Viru jumps into the pool..and lands on Raina…

Viru (almost like Sachin): Present…sir

Raina is knocked out, seeing stars…and barely a second later Gambhir jumps in, also landing on Raina

Gambhir: Oh, sorry bhai…lagi toh nahi…(and to MSD, like Viru) Present sir

MSD: Of course Viru and Gauti are coming from their late night dinner date and have just made it in the nick of time, that settles the top 3…Gary has suggested we do a random call now, pick names written in florescent ink from the water proof bag…what do we have here…of course it's Suresh Raina…

Raina has still not recovered from Viru+Gauti’s moon-landings on him. Yusuf and Kohli and Chawla have somehow laid him out flat outside the pool – Kohli is trying some artificial respiration on him. Raina has come around but Kohli continues with his mouth-to-mouth – Raina tries to mumble a 'yes sir' but his voice is lost against Kohli's lips...

MSD: Well of course seeing that Raina has not answered in time we take it that he has not made it for the Deep end of the pool test to select the team which means the batsmen choose themselves and we don’t need to call out any more names

Which is when Kohli releases Raina, who yelps out

Raina: I’m here…Kohli…

MSD: Well of course you are here but a little late and why are you so out of breath – you sound as if Viru and Gauti jumped you in the pool

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The Revenge Match: India pools resources

At the swimming pool, the men in blue splash away in the shallow waters of the kids’ pool. MSD appears..

MSD: Well of course this is the perfect camouflage who will expect that we are about to have a revenge strategy meeting and of course thanks to Viru for calling it a revenge match because that is what it is and we don’t want to call it anything else

Viru: Obviously it is a revenge match…Oye salah *$#@

Gambhir splashes water at Viru

MSD: Well of course we must enjoy ourselves even when we play

Sachin: Then it better rain so we can splash water on the ground

Everybody goes nuts laughing like it were the most incredible joke which of course it was, Sachin cracked it – Bhajji nearly drowns himself laughing and then squirts out water at Sreesanth who mock slaps some more water on himself; Nehra laughs like a hyena, Kohli and Raina do some hanky-panky underwater and laugh like kids, only Munaf has that dazed look, as if not getting the joke. MSD has his best smile and pause on, after which he starts off again…

MSD: Of course I have a waterproof scorecard of that %#$@ game in 2007, 17th March it was I remember it like it was just 4 years ago

Viru: Obviously

MSD: I’m happy we have made some changes, Dada and Dravid are not in this team…

Sachin: Sourav top-scored in 2007

MSD: Well of course we will miss Dada’s experience on top and Dravid’s experience in the middle..

Yuvi: Areh bund kar, you are not on TV…

MSD: #$%^ I saw Shastri swimming towards us with a mike…

Shastri appears with a mike…

Shastri: MS, ready for the big match

MSD: Well of course

Shastri: I’ll just leave you with the boys to have a good time

Shastri spots some girls and gets yapping

Shastri: So girls ready for the big match…

MSD continues as if nothing has happened. Then again, Shastri had happened.

MSD: Well of course Uthappa is not there at No. 3 and even Sachin is not there…

Bhajji: Oye, what?? Sachin is here

MSD: Well of course I meant at No. 4 and that Agarkar he is not there thank…well of course Bhajji and I will look to make more runs

Yuvi: You can’t make less runs than zero

MSD (ignoring): Well of course it is always good to have Sreesanth who will be key to our revenge strategy…Sree have you learnt some bad language in Bangla

Sreesanth: Yes, my Bangla is very bad

Nobody reacts, possibly because Sree said it, but Sachin gets the joke, laughs and even repeats it…

Sachin (laughing) he said, for bad language in Bangla…my Bangla is very bad…hehehe

The team goes nuts laughing again…Sree goes nuts fuming, kissing his lockets, crossing his heart, flaring from the nostrils, mock slapping himself with water and so on

MSD: of course, Sree and Bhajji will lead the Revenge Talk while Viru and Sachin will let their bat do the talking…Gauti and Kohli can do a little of both…Gauti no shoulder please, Virat you can do shoulder and Yuvi will have a good time and of course I will decide what to do as per the condition of the match if the ball is doing a bit I will come in after Yusuf and…areh, where’s Yusuf

Munaf: He was missing Irfan so he called him up…Irfan had gone to practice and will be back in 30 minutes so Yusuf is holding on…

MSD: Well of course we will meet in the deep for our next session with Gary I see a lotta Banglas around here who could be spies

Sachin: C’mom MS, they are only kids

The team steps out of the shallow waters of the kids’ pool, to blend in MS and Bhajji have toy ducks, Sachin a Ferrari, Bhajji an inflatable doll. Munaf has a Barbie. Yuvi has a toy Yuvi.

(Revenge Conference to be continued, in the deep end of the pool)

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Why was Piyush Chawla picked?

The selectors are huddled together with their lists of 15 players that make the cut for the World Cup. A technician plugs the video conferencing equipment, and gives them the go ahead.

Meanwhile in South Africa, Kirsten and Dhoni sit with their list of 15 players. Piyush Chawla is doubling up as the technician as he sorts the video-con stuff, giving them the thumbs’ up.

Srikkanth: WhatDoYouCallit BOSSDhoniCanYouSeeUsClearly

MSD: Well ofcourse Piyush has made some very good arrangements

Srikkanth: BossWeHaveOur15KaList..

MSD: Of course and we have ours…I think the injured players pick themselves

Srikkanth: WhatDoYouCallIt SachinShewagGambir

MSD: Of course they will be there and there are other injured players that will be very fit by the world cup even fitter than the fit players now becoz they will not be playing or exerting themselves at all and getting of course all the time to work on their fitness..Praveen Kumar and Ashish Nehra

Srikkanth: BossTheyAreInOurListTooThatIs5PlayersWeHaveHandShakedOnBossGaryWhatDoYouCallIt

Kirsten: Sounds good

Srikkanth: I’m CON-FI-DENT ThatWhatDoYouCallIt RainaAndYusufWillBeCON-FI-DENT ChoicesToo

MSD (sounding a tad nervous now, looking around, wears his keeping gloves) : Of course

Srikkanth: BAJJIWillBeThereThatIsAndMunafTooBoss

MSD (even more nervous starts clapping with keeping gloves) Of course…are you forgetting someone

Srikkanth: YuvrajSinghViratKohliWhatDoYouCallItZaheerKhanBoss

MSD (Now very itchy, starts waving his gloves as if arranging a field) Well Of course, are you forgetting someone…

Srikkanth: WhatDoYouCallItVijayHasBeenSHITBossEvenICan’tGetHimInSorryBossButAshwinShouldPlay

MSD (Removing sweat from brow with his keeping gloves): Of course, I think we are missing someone…we have 13 players…and every team needs a…wic..

The transmission snaps…and MSD is left with his words hanging in the air

Piyush Chawla meanwhile gets busy, checks the wires and gets them going again…

Srikkanth: WhatDoYouCallItChawla??? BossWhatIsChawlaDoingThere…

MSD: Of course he is helping with the technical side of things and all and we have 13 players now….Sachin, Sehwag, Gautam, Yuvi, Kohli, Raina, Pathan, Bhajji, Zaks, Nehra, Munaf Patel, Praveen, Ashwin but are we missing something every side needs a wicketkeeper…

Srikkanth: BossWhatDoYouCallItShouldWePlayParthivPatelAsTheSecondWicketKeeperBoss…

MSD (much relieved, breaks into a smile, shows teeth): Well of course we can consider that once we have picked the first wicket keeper and that is why I have been saying for sometime that are we missing something and you know how it is Cheeka

Srikkanth(laughs) : BossSeedhaBolo…YesIThinkWeCanPickMahendraSinghDhoniAsWicketkeeperFirstChoice

MSD: Who will be the 15th player now..

Piyush Chawla is hanging around with a hopeful yet utterly hopeless face…he seems like a pathetic little mutt who hasn’t eaten in days…he looks into camera and all at once woos Cheeka

Srikkanth (overcome with emotion) MaiBhiBaapHoonIAmAlsoAFatherAnirudhaWillVouchForThatWithCON-FI-DENCEHahhaHaHaIHopeSoBossHahahaICannotSeePiyushChawlaLookSoSad...HeWillBeWhatDoYouCallIt....The15thPlayerBoss

Just then the door swings open and Rohit Sharma walks in sweating profusely after a net.

MSD (to Rohit): Well of course...you are late by 10 seconds Rohit Sharma...

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The Night Before the first InSaf test,

Outside Zaks room, some of his mates sing a parody of the Complan tune

Chrous: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin boy…”

Zaks not amused, snaps at them

Zaks: Tumne pee rakhi hai kya?

Bhajji: Haaan!

Sreesanth: Complan!

They all sing again

Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl”

Zaks too is amused

Zaks: Haha groin ki toh #@%$* lug gayee. Chalo, let’s disturb Dravid

Bhajji: Areh, whoh toh pahele se hi disturbed hai…

Elsewhere, in Kirsten’s room, Dravid arrives with his books

Kirsten: Hi Rahul, that’s a lotta books

Dravid: Yeah, I got the history of Centurion here…and some stuff on cricket heritage of South Africa…the Cronje secret diaries…some stuff by Woolmer, take your pick

Furious knocking outside Kirsten’s door

Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl…”

Dravid: Oh, I’ve heard that…that’s from the 80s ad…for Complan

Kirsten: Serious, they said Groin boy??

Dravid (half smiles) Oh, that’s just some of the youngsters laughing at Zaheer…not the ideal preparation the night before a test but…as they say…to each his own…

The boisterous bunch is in Kirsten’s room, someone asks –

Voice: Garry sir, should we take him or his books??

Kirsten (smiles): Ok boys, let's call it a night. Big day tomorrow.

The players exit Kirsten's room. Dravid makes his way back to his room, at the end of the corridor, humming to himself...

Dravid: I'm a groin boy, I'm a groin girl...

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Why Kohli and not Kumble was retained by the Bangalore Royal Challengers

Kumble is shown into Sid Mallaya’s office by a buxom secretary. Seeing her, he coughs the obligatory cough.

Kumble: Hi Siddharth

Sid Mallaya (laughs): You can call me Sid…we’re friends, we know each other….right babes (asking secretary)

Secretary: Eh…

Kumble (briskly): You know I'm the Karnataka State Cricket Association President, and with that comes an added responsibility…just yesterday I was at the stadium in a suit…

SM: It was pretty ill-fitting….

Kumble (ignoring): Eh…Rahul thought it was smart…anyway, now I have to be a certain way, dress a certain way in public

SM: Whatever…

Kumble: So when I play for the Royal Challengers, I will have to wear a suit

SM: No way man…what’re you saying…you’re kidding right

Kumble: I’m very serious. These are not silly games anymore – this is politics. You can’t afford to have the KSCA President running around in some red and gold jump suit

SM (To secretary): Get me Dad… (and to Kumble)…man, next you’ll say, you wanna bowl in a friggin’ head bandage…

Kumble: Yes, people have very fond memories of the bandage…I even got Lara out in that

Virat Kohli breezes into Sid Mallaya’s office

VK: Hey Sid, wasup?

SM: Hey Vir, what will you wear for the IPL…

VK: What? The Bangalore Royal Challenger’s jersey of course.

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India prepares for New Zealand.

MSD: Of course we must know the opposition..who they are, what they are… of course there are some youngsters in their side but we will not be taking them lightly…we will just be taking them

(laughter around)

I will call Suresh to introduce the Kiwi side to you because I myself don’t know anybody from New Zealand except Jacob Oram who was with the Chennai Super Kings..Suresh please…

Raina: Thanks MS. As MS was saying we must know the opposition – first, their captain who needs no intro – Daniel Vettori

Vijay: Areh, we want introduction!

Raina: OK, Vettori is the captain, even though he is a spinner he is their strike bowler and he is also their stock bowler – after 8 overs of the new ball Vettori will bowl for the rest of our innings either to keep the runs down or take wickets…if he can’t then he will bring on a change bowler. (looking at Vijay)…is that enough?

Vijay: Nahi, we want more on Vettori

Raina (smiles) Vettori is a lower order batsman but because New Zealand has no higher order batsman he became a middle order batsman…if we bowl well he will be batting after 8 overs for the rest of their innings…he likes to score through the slips and square of the wicket – his nickname is Dan…we can make fun of his nickname in Hindi

MSD: Suresh, let’s talk about the other players now

Raina (fumbles as he looks through the team sheet)…ummm there are other players MS? OK, OK, because of his bowling Vettori can’t keep wickets…they have Brendon McCullum…nahi, here it says Hopkins is keeper, who is Hopkins yaar?

Bhajji: Areh, don’t take the Kiwis lightly

Raina: (reads from team sheet) AREH! They have an Indian also – Jeetan Patel

(Someone snaps from behind): Even Yuvi pa can join Kiwis!!

Raina (continues): There is Jesse Ryder who will have a tough time in Ahmedabad…

(someone snaps from behind again): Salaah Piyakar!

Raina (unmoved goes on): Hamish Benett, BJ Watling, Brent…

Dravid (puzzled): Even I haven’t heard of these guys…

MSD: OK, meeting adjourned..

Raina makes a paper ball of the Kiwi team sheet and hurls it at Murali Vijay. The team clears up from the room, only Sachin remains. He walks up to the paper ball, opens it, smoothens the creases of the crumpled paper and starts reading the team names…nodding after each name

A fly on the wall: Wah! Even after 21 years….

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Unprecedented: PCB's Ijaz Butt speaks to Kochi's Satyajit Gaekwad

Ijaz Butt: Hello, is that Anshuman Gaekwad?

Satyajit Gaekwad: No

Ijaz Butt: I thought this was Mr Gaekwad’s number?

Satyajit Gaekwad: Yes

Ijaz Butt: Then give him the phone you fool

Satyajit Gaekwad: I am Mr. Gaekwad

Ijaz Butt: But you just said you are not

Satyajit Gaekwad: No I did not

Ijaz Butt: Yes you did

Satyajit Gaekwad: You asked for Anshuman…

Ijaz Butt: …Gaekwad

Satyajit Gaekwad: I am Satyajit Gaekwad…

Ijaz Butt: No, no...the name is Satyajit Ray…

Satyajit Gaekwad: Who the #@&+*$# are you #$%@

Ijaz Butt: I am Ijaz Butt speaking

Satyajit Gaekwad: Hello Mr Butt

Ijaz Butt: Hello Mr Gaekwad, I have a plan to save the Kochi franchise…but first you must employ my services in addition to the services of… Salman Butt, Shahid Afridi, Mohammad Yousuf, Misbah ul Haq…do you hear me...

Satyajit Gaekwad: please continue Mr Butt I am listening

Ijaz Butt: Yes, we are all used to infighting…this is child's play for us

Satyajit Gaekwad: Brilliant Mr. Butt, brilliant...when can we start…Mr Butt?

Ijaz Butt: In one month, till then we need to put our house in order…

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The Night Before: In the Pak Camp

A day before Pakistan’s T20 game vs. South Africa, the team is supposed to meet in their captain’s bed room, instead there is plenty of confusion

Afridi (on the phone to Manager): Nobody’s in my room!

Manager: Where are you?

Afridi: I’m in my room

Manager: But you said nobody’s…

Afridi: I’m not a nobody! What I’m saying, is like this, that the nobody has come to turn up in my room

Cut to Misbah on the phone

Misbah (to Manager): Why is everybody in my room?

Manager: Aren’t you the captain?

Misbah: yes but…

Manager: then what’s the problem…

Misbah: I’m not the T20 captain…

Manager: Then who is? Salman…no…who is?

Misbah: I think Afridi but I’m not sure

Manager: Younis is on the phone from Pakistan…hold on…

By now the poor Manager is juggling with three phones

Younis Khan (to Manager): I want an explanation NOW…what are these players doing in my house

On another line

Afridi (to Manager): Oye? Where are you? I HATE WAITING! I will RESIGN from T20 cricket if you keep me waiting…

Just then Zulqarnain Haider walks into Afridi’s room

Afridi: What are you doing here? Weren’t you injured? Where is Kamran?

Elsewhere Shoiab Akhtar walks into Misbah’s room

Shoiab Akhtar: Congrats buddy on captaincy and all that mate…you had it coming…I’ll play under you man...mate... dude...buddy…

Misbah: But I’m not the captain

Shoiab Akhtar: Bastards…I never believe what they write in the tabloids anyways…so who’s the skipper buddy? Me? Hahahaha that be cool

Afridi bustles into the room, furious

Afridi: We have to forget what happened during the tour of  England!

Shoaib Akhtar: Hey mate, I wasn't there - what happened?

Which is when, Shahid Bhai sits Shoiab Akhtar down, and gives him a blow by blow account of what happened in England..

Misbah (aside, sardonic): Everybody knows, Shoiab Akhtar only reads the news when he's in it...everybody except Shahid Bhai

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"Shahid Bhai! Shahid Bhai! - I just called to say, I did it!"

Early morning, Aamer is gently knocking at a door. Inside Shahid Bhai has just woken up, he yawns, then realizes he should go the whole hog – so his yawn becomes one of his big celebratory stretches. Knocking continues, much harder now.

Shahid Bhai (mock sings a song): Who’s that girl?

Aamer (feigning a smile): It’s a boy…Shahid Bhai…I’ve been knock..(stammers) knock…knocking

Shahid Bhai (mock sings a song): Knock Knock Knocking on Heaven’s DOOR! Haha! Why here, you should Knock Knock Knocking on heaven’s door

Aamer (breaks down): Shahid Bhai…that’s why I come to your door…

Shahid Bhai: Areh, I’ve just checked in, who showed you the door?

Aamer: Yousuf Bhai, he walked with me here, and showed me the door

Shahid Bhai: OK, sit down, I need to do my stretches…

Shahid Bhai prances around the room, and stretches arms heavenwards in front of every available mirror.

Shahid Bhai (applying toothpaste): What good is the stretch without the smile…now my 4 minute teeth yoga

He starts to brush his teeth furiously, Aamer looks down at his fingers.

Aamer (whispers): It was..Butt...

Shahid Bhai (through the paste foam): But?

Aamer: Butt told me…to do…what I did…

Shahid Bhai (spurts out his rinse): What? Does anybody know?

Aamer: Everybody.

Shahid Bhai (mock sings again): I’ll always be the last to know

Aamer: Why are you singing so much Shahid Bhai?

Shahid Bhai: O’ nuthin yaar…yesterday I met Scott from Scotland Yard, and he said, be prepared the police is gonna make you sing like a canary….when that happens, I wanna be the best singer (prances around singing with an imaginary mic) like a bird on a wire....

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Time for TERI MAA KI!!!

Promo for India-Australia series

Music: Pink Floyd’s Mother

The Indian cricketers in their homes, blessed by their mothers. Each player touches his mother’s feet and is handed a bat or ball by his mother. The mother then wipes a tear as she commands her son to battle.

Music Changes to: Maa ka ladla

Elsewhere the Aussie cricketers are in their homes, patted, hi-fived and handed a bottle of Victoria Bitter by their mothers.

Music mix of Mother and Maa ka ladla goes under

As MSD and Ponting stick their faces into each other and snarl: TERI MA KI!

Bhajji forces himself into the frame, doing his Bhangra, fluttering the tri-colour.

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Spearhead DAK (or , SpeeDAX) - 2

Second post in a series inspired by  ZAK who - rightfully as our spearhead - takes it upon himself to walk up  from his fielding position for a chat before every delivery to enthuse , energise and encourage whoever happens to be bowling. Our superhero protagonist in this series is Spearhead DAK , or SpeeDax  for short. For the first post in the series, go here

We come in when bowler YY is running in to bowl his next delivery. SpeeDAX is fielding at mid off.

Now , this is strange . For a change , SpeeDAX hasn't walked up to talk to the bowler before the delivery. It's quite evident that SpeeDAX has forgotten to. What happens now ?

This :

Just as YY is about to deliver , SpeeDAX runs like a crazy cheetah from his position and intercepts him bang at the bowling crease and prevents the delivery. You see , he has to say a few words first.

YY (shocked) : " Hey whaddaf....?""

SpeeDAX (nonchalant) :" OK , so keep it wicket-to-wicket , alright ?"

The umpire is not at all amused. He calls No Ball.

A dazed YY walks back to the top of his run up to start all over again.

SpeedDAX walks up to him from mid-off

SpeeDAX : ""No ball ? No probs , yaar. Come on , shabash , keep it up."

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Team Building Exercises for Chennai Super Kings

CSK and India Cements owner, N Srinivasan hops into the hall in an India Cements sack, followed by Kris Srikkanth and the resident CSK astrologer, also in their cement sacks.

Srikkanth: Wadducallit ImGoingHoppingMadInSacks…

Astrologer: Shhh Sri sir will hear you, shhh...Sri Sir…you’re enjoying hopping

Srinivasan: I have not digested my lunch only

Astrologer: For team morale sir, we must lead the ways

The CSK team is gathered in the hall, they start to get into their CSK India Cements' sacks.

Srikkanth is excited, he's just spotted his son, and makes an effort to run-hop to him in his sack…

Srikkanth: Wadducallit MySon…Anirudha

In his excitement, Srikkanth trips himself, and falls over in the sack; Anirudha embarrassed titters weakly at his mates…

Astrologer: Aaah there you are Mathew Hayden..I was telling Sri Sir that like you played lucky mascot in IPL you will play lucky in semis

Hayden: But I don’t wanna play, mate….ummm Hussey should play…

Srinivasan: Should we start the sack race…boys

Hayden: Can I hit the sack, mate…don't wanna play nuthin no more

Badrinath in sack, tries to get off the bench but falls..MSD reprimands him

MSD (to Badri): Areh, you don’t need an early start…you will come later

Badri sullen face sits back on the bench

Srikkanth can be seen pushing his son forward, while the son tries to shrug  him off. Vijay tries to hop ahead – not hopping straight, he attempts to hop across the line and falls.

After Vijays early fall, MSD shouts at Badri to come off the bench…while the astrologer is still pushing Hayden. Murali is frowning, someone has made the 8 in his 800 t-shirt a zero. Raina puts on skates and gets into the sack. His fate, not to different from Vijay’s. Hussey meanwhile is half way across the hall, Badrinath has just started, Kemp can’t fit into a sack..

MSD (to Hayden): Where’s Morkel, Matt

Hayden: Ummm he hit the sack, mate..

MSD: No he didn’t, I don’t see him in the sack, mate

Hayden walks away, thought blurb over his head – “these Indians”, thought blurb over MSD’s head, “these Aussies”.

A sexy CSK groupie starts to flirt with MSD and asks him

Groupie: Know you’re married and all, but you wanna hit the sack with me...

MSD (bewildered, twitches and then winks): Areh? How does my being married stop me from playing in the sack with you

Groupie jumps with joy and nearly jumps MSD there…

MSD (as if looking into camera): Ub hoga usli mukabla!


Also Read: Bangalore Royal Challenger's Team Building exercises

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NEW! Chennai Super Kings Whistle Podu Commercial

The Hotel Manager knocks hard at one of the CSK rooms, no reply. He then sticks his finger hard into the doorbell

Raina and Vijay swing open the door, whistling hard…the manager is shaken, stirred. There is manic whistling, an orgy of happiness, all being filmed – the new CSK commercial.

Manager: Er…I’m sorry to interrupt but…

Vijay: Yes so are we..go your way…go yaway…haha

The manager is pushed away, inside MSD is twitching, Badri is whistling on a bench, Jakati and Ashwin are whistling collectively, Hussey is whistling casually like a gent taking a dog for an evening walk, Kemp is whistling from the ceiling, Hayden tries to whistle but fails, Morkel tries too, when a sign appears - "Injured, cannot whistle", Murali is standing in front of a counter, whistling 800 times

From nowhere, Amitabh Bachchan appears in a long black coat

AB: Ub hogi asli party…Chennai Super Kings vs Whistle Podu

MSD who looks half dead, musters enough strength to stand up, feign a smile, and mutter…

MSD: Chennai Super Kings ka whistle podu..

Aishwarya Rai and Bachchan Jr appear, with Papa AB they start to whistle madly…MSD walks out. Badrinath goes up to him and asks...

Badri: Can I also come...

MSD: No, you come later...

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Spearhead DAK (or , SpeeDax) - 1

First post in a series inspired by  ZAK who - rightfully as our spearhead - takes it upon himself to walk up  from his fielding position for a chat before every delivery to enthuse , energise and encourage whoever happens to be bowling. Our superhero protagonist in this series is Spearhead DAK , or SpeeDax  for short.

We come in during a match with bowler AA  at the top of his run up preparing to bowl the first ball of his over.

SpeeDax walks up to AA  from mid off.

SD : " Keep it wicket to wicket" - AA nods

X.1  FOUR  - straight delivery , no movement , nothing to it - driven straight down the ground

SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.

SD : " Man, go for around off stump line , let's get him to edge " - AA nods

X.2 FOUR - straying outside off - square cut powerfully to the fence

SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.

SD : " Thats alright AA, you're doing fine , he's gonna nick it soon , keep at it " - AA nods

X.3  FOUR - outside off again , comfortable bounce - batsman slashes over slip cordon , another boundary

SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.

SD : " Positive , AA , stay positive ! Shabaash " - AA nods

X.4  DROPPED ! - oh dear , good ball , pitched short , then got big on the batsman  who ended up lobbing the ball straight  to mid off but SpeeDax there spilled a regulation dolly , oh dear !  

SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.

SD : " Easy , easy does it ! Look here , try a slower one , that 'll get  the bastard " - AA nods

X.5  SIX !  - slower ball , read from a mile away - batsman goes down the track and lofts it straight over for maximum !

SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.

AA (very irritated) : " Oye ,  now what ?! "

DS (very taken aback) : "Er , nothing , ...nothing. Er , carry on."- AA looks upset

X.6  FOUR - rubbish delivery , attempted yorker converted into a juicy full toss , whipped away past square leg.

End of a disastrous over. 

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