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Showing posts with label CLT20. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CLT20. Show all posts
Team Bonding is passe! Franchisees are the way to go!
A year ago, the first edition of CLT20 in Cricket concluded. Very conveniently for a section (a large one) of western media, and former cricketers from Australia, England etc, an Aussie team won it and all IPL teams crashed before semis. They went on to mock IPL, and concluded that IPL teams can never match the teams from other countries, who have bonded through the year and fight for each other(!).
Of course, that was cynical but a large section of the western press, former cricketers, bloggers from Aus/Eng/NZ-etc, commenters thereof rejoiced in their theory and generally let out a cry of joy in India's direction. Where are you folks? Just show up now!
Some stats from CLT20
An IPL team was the champion
Half of the finalists were from IPL, the better half at that
50% of the Semi-finalists were from IPL
66% of the IPL teams made it to the semis
The next best was Aussie teams(50%), Saffers(50%).
So, what happened to all that team bonding, and money based franchisees can never beat the sheer love and passion that other league cricketers have for their team LOL
Ian Slipper(Former Cricketer, Australia) and co., please voice your opinion now
And all assorted bloggers who expressed that sentiment last year, speak up now. I have bookmarked a lot of you so I'll publish the links soon of all you wise old men where you cynically, with an agenda, tried to link up unlinked facts and based on your indigestion at IPL's success, tried to use NSW's victory as a prop.
What did you say? Oh yeah I am gloating on the basis of a single triumph by an IPL team. Of course, that is silly. That is the point. That is what you did last year. I laughed at you then. I am laughing now. Yeah, you know who you are. That is why you shouldn't gloat based on a single event. Hope you learnt your lesson.
*And I am not seriously gloating - I am just making a point - so you cannot throw this back at me if a non-IPL team wins next year.
** IPL may be evil. But the point is many of ye who are opposing IPL could possibly be equally evil, just with a different agenda. Simple, plain, obvious fact but needs restating in today's unthinking world.
Ashwin’s interview with a selector
Selector: Congrats on the Golden Ball, but can you bat?
Ashwin: Yes I can bat, I have two first class hundreds…
Selector: That’s first class cricket, everyone has runs in first class cricket, how have you fared in internationals…
Ashwin: I’ve played one one-dayer, made 38…
Selector: Only one one dayer, that’s not much to go by…you know we’re looking for a bowling allrounder…like Bhajji…and Bhajji is already in the team
Ashiwn: OK
Selector: So please talk to me when you have played more internationals and we will consider you for selection then…
Ashwin: How will I do that?
Selector: On the sheer weight of your performances, you will come knocking on our door..
Ashwin: I’m first a bowler
Selector: That’s what, everyone is a bowler these days…you have to work on your batting…look at Piyush Chawla…he top scored today against Australia…an international side…you speak with him and yeah, Bhajji…you know Bhajji has worked on his batting at the cost of his bowling…he is that selfless a player…when you improve your batting, ok, understand…
(Phone rings)
Selector nods away as he speaks to his colleague
Selector (continues speaking to Ashwin): Areh, why didn’t you tell me, you have taken 13 wickets in internationals in T20 Champions League…you have very good international experience…and your IPL numbers are good too…very good…you will be in the team very soon..but don’t forget your batting, ok beta, thanks for coming beta..
Saving Ryan Sidebottom’s Privates.
After Kallis and Steyn were lost to injury in the Champions League, the paranoid Pauls from Cricket South Africa rushed in for a quickie with the BCCI. On their wish list was how to arrest future injuries to their injury prone cricketers.
The verdict: during IPL and CLT20 games, tough catches and run outs will not be attempted. The rest of the discussions centered around defining a ‘tough catch and run-out’. The South Africans argued that what could be an easy catch for their players could well be a tough one for the Indians. Finally it was decided that a player will have to decide for himself, and if and when he drops or does not attempt a ‘tough catch’, the captain will not glare or abuse him. Special note was made to communicate this to Kumble. Also, the commentators will be directed not to make any mention of the dropped catch; no replays of the drop will be telecast, and an immediate ad break will be taken. In this break, ads of players dropping or taking catches will not be telecast.
Making the Champions League India Ready
The surprise entry of the Banglaore Royal Challengers into the CLT20 semi-finals has stalled some of the BCCI’s earlier plans. With a strong possibility of no IPL team making the semis again, the BCCI was seriously considering fielding six of the ten IPL teams next year – from the winners right down to the fifth and sixth placed teams. It’s learnt there was also talk of playing eight teams, but as one board member stated, “we must be subtle in our intentions, six teams is subtle, nobody will notice”. Now with the possibility of two IPL teams making the semis, there is talk of reducing the number of IPL teams for next years’ CLT20 down to two from three. This is flexible, depending on whether CSK makes the semis tomorrow. There is also talk of somehow accommodating the Mumbai Indians in next years’ semis. As one board member said, “this will help keep the core commentary team in high spirits”. Both Ravi and Sunny concurred.
The Night Of the IPL Generals.
After BRC’s defeat to the Redbacks, the 3 IPL captains hurriedly meet for dinner.They are just about to get chatting, when Sachin’s phone rings
Sachin: Hello
Sourav: DADAHERE
Sachin (repeats): He says DADAHERE
MSD: Is it a verified account?
Kumble: Does twitter allow you to make phone calls? I was not aware the technology existed
Sachin (to Sourav): Are you calling from your twitter account?
Sourav: No, DADAHERE…can I join you?
Before we know it, Sourav joins the 3 captains
Sourav: Aaah, nice, 4 Indian skippers here, 3 former, one present…may I join you?
MSD: Areh, after joining you are asking?
Sourav disregards MSD’s comments and pulls a chair for himself…Sachin and Sourav exchange pleasantries, Kumble is irritated, like he is when he bowls one down leg and is hit for a four…
Kumble: Can we start boys..
MSD: Oye, we are not your boys anymore!
(Genuine laughter, Kumble feigns a smile, then his phone rings, it’s Dravid)
Dravid: Are you coming for dinner, I’m at the coffee shop…
Kumble: Eh…
MSD: What is it now, can we start now, this was supposed to be an emergency meeting…
And just then MSD’s phone rings, it’s Raina
Raina: Should I order pineapple raita or mixed raita?
MSD: Eh…pineapple kar de…
Naturally the meeting is adjourned. Sourav and Sachin walk out together, while Kumble and MSD go out talking on their phones.
Ganguly's twitter handle is dadahere
Pollard to donate sperm to Mumbai Indians
After a barbaric 72 of 30 balls, the Mumbai Indians biggies moved in quickly to sign up future generations of Kieron Pollard. It is learn that Pollard will donate his sperm to spawn future generations of mad hatter hitters. But what if it’s a girl? Mumbai Indians will tackle that by starting a women’s franchise called the Mumbai Pollards. Which is when someone joked, what if it’s a chhakka? The Indians didn't laugh.
If I had purchased Pollard for the Delhi Daredevils.
Pad up Pollard, you are going to open the batting.
Pollard OUT! No problem. Batsman will feign injury, Pollard with his giant strides will be the runner.
Batsman feigning injury OUT! No problem, Pollard will be the change in gloves-man, the drinks’ boy, the messenger, the message, the conversationalist in the dugout.
During breaks, Pollard will go on an autograph signing spree, shake hands, shake his booty.
Change of innings
Pollard will speak animatedly to his mates in the huddle.
Right arm over, Pollard will open the bowling. He will bowl his full quota of overs unchanged.
He will converse with the captain, if he is captain, he will converse with himself.
These conversations will be telecast. Shastri will intervene, with “Make no mistake, that is Pollard & Pollard”
Pollard & Pollard, the all-round product will be released – it will belong to Delhi Daredevils. It will also be an accounting firm.
After the game, Pollard will be part of the big, fat Indian prize giving committee – he will stand in the centre. On occasions when he has to receive the prize, it will serve as yet another Pollard & Pollard plug. He will gift himself the gift cheque.
Any bikes, cars, tractors gifted, will be steered by Pollard. It will be announced that when Pollard drives he doesn’t reverse – because Pollard doesn’t belive in a backword step.
I will make Pollard do all this and more. Why? Probably because I don’t belong to the Mumbai Indians Underutilization of Utilities Department C/O some careless conservative thinkers. Oh, that’s a contradiction, but then so is MI.
Also read: Mumbai Indians in a fix
Dr. Mallya’s Team Building Exercise – At the BRC Camp
At the hottest nightclub in town, Mallya addresses his boys, as his sycophants look on mesmerized. His son Sid Mallya and friend Deepika Padukone stand by him either side.
Mallya: Tonight’s game will not be played in the bedroom..(waits for laughter, the coterie obliges as they roll over with laughter) it will be played on a cricket field..let’s drink to that!
The coterie raises their glasses, drinks bottoms up. Kumble and Dravid raise their mugs (concealing the hot choco and sip determinedly)
Mallya (continuing): Tonight we play Guyana…and we’re gonna beat them…(applause) and to make sure we beat the pants off them…I wanna make sure you boys are inspired…yeah, Uthappa…you hear me dude?
Uthappa obliges with his customary bow
Mallya: So here’s the deal…the Man of the Match…and like hell he’s gonna be from The Bangalore Royal Challengers will have a dinner date with the lovely Miss Deepika Padukone
The coterie gasps…Kumble and Dravid smile at each other..Uthappa dabs himself with cologne..Taylor practices his cross batted heaves…and Kallis runs his hand through his non-existent hair
Sid Mallya (pleading): Daddy…
Mallya: Don’t Daddy me…
Sid Mallya: Make it a dinner with the lovely Deepika and Sid Malaya…
Mallya (ignoring his son): OK boys, in front of each of you there’s a bottle…and in it…there’s a message..haha that’s why it’s called…
Coterie (chorus): Message in a bottle
Mallya: Yah, that’s right…your roles have been clearly defined…but to get to the message..you gotta empty the contents first…
In front of each player is a miniature RC bottle, and each player takes a shot. In front of Dravid and Kumble however, there’s a miniature Kingfisher soda bottle. Everyone has a shot, and proceeds to read the message.
Mallya: OK, any questions…
Deepika: Do I do my item number now?
Mallya: Yeah, Sid you and Uthappa will join her…
Sid Mallya: Daddy…
Item number starts as Mallya sits on his throne like a B grade Bollywood villain sipping his whiskey, as his chelas swoon around him.
Kumble: Dr Mallya, excuse me, but Rahul and I need to turn in for the night..
Mallya: OK Anil, but I gotta tell you, this Rahul is a very bad influence on you…
The coterie goes nuts laughing, the two players exit. And Deepika dances a badminton dance, while Sid and Uthappa act like the shuttlecocks being hit around by her.
A Happy Ending For Jammy & Jumbo!
Dravid enters a dark hotel room on one of the higher floors. Kumble sits on a lone chair overlooking the bright lights of the city. He is unusually twitchy as he plays with the table lamp switch: on, off, on, off...
Dravid: Am I disturbing?
Kumble: No, but I am disturbed
Dravid: Anything I can tell you…
Kumble: You can’t handle your own demons, what will you…sorry
Dravid: You sound bitter…
Kumble: I am…that dumbass CLT20 ad they made me do…the Hindi they made me speak..
Dravid: Oh…read a book, it always works for me..
Kumble: Next you’ll say read Premchand…drop the…
Dravid: OK, don’t worry da…you remember what they used to say about you first..
Kumble: Yeah, that I’m not a natural spinner…I can’t spin the ball…that sh**.. excuse my language, not myself today…
Dravid: F*** it da, sorry…didn’t mean to swear…what I meant was…
Kumble: I get it! Even if they say I’m not a natural Hindi spinner…I will go on to do 619 Hindi ads…Hahaha I like that
Dravid: Haha I like that too
Kumble: Thanks Da.. Jammy
Dravid: Don’t mention it Da…Jumbo…
Kishore Kumar’s Hip Hip Ho Ho Hurra plays, as a silhouetted Jammy and Jumbo dance, very much out of character, in the dark room. A moon beam follows them.
Not again...yes again!
Latest: CSK's big win has left the board officials exploring Plan B - a tri-series with Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and India in South Africa wherein the CSK players (esp MSD, Raina) play when available.
Mumbai Indians Camp - The Night Before
Bhajji gathers Sachin’s flock in his hotel room. It’s a small room, and MI is a big team, what with the support staff, Reliance flunkeys, the room is, as Ravi says walking past..."packed to the rafters"
Bhajji: OK guys, you know after Sachin Paaji, I’m the Boss here.
Whispers around, where one such whisper whispers –
Whisper: Haan, how else he would’ve hugged Ambani Mam…
Bhajji: Oye, kisko hugna hai…was that you, chal, yahaan baith..
(hugna means to take a crap, and Bhajji has identified the whisper boy and made him sit on the commode, it’s Rayudu)
Bhajji: Anyway, Rayudu you g**du your career is also down the toilet…haha
Silence in the room which is when Yuvi barges in laughing..
Yuvi: Oye! Hahaha good one Bhajji!
They do an impromptu Bhangra gig, nobody stirs in the room
Bhajji (to Yuvi): What you're doing here yaar?
Yuvi: Fashion show yaar
Bhajji continues with his speech…
Bhajji: OK guys, now we gotta settle it – before match..you all youngsters…if you speak to press…you gotta say one thing…Thank You Sachin! It’s great to be playing with such a great player..and how Sachin has guided you…in the middle..helped with your best innings
MI Player: Bhajji sir, I’ve not done…batted…with er…Sachin sir..in middle
Bhajji: Haan, good point, in that case, who you all…have not batted..you all say..Sachin guided you in the nets…and now you are ready for the middle..
Everyone claps, Bhajji is pleased. He excused Rayudu from the loo
Bhajji: Oye kaka, get up, I need to take the piss…
Laughter
Bhajji (continues all serious again): And after game, if we win then you say same thing, OK? And if we lose, and Sachin Paaji scores less..you say whoever you are..who takes runs or scores wickets…you say yeah, if Sachin had batted longer we would’ve won the match… And if Sachin scores then you say, we should have done car rally…no, rallied around Sachin more and we would have won…
Ambani Mam walks into the room, hushed silence – she is beaming as always, but it’s hard to tell if she’s happy or not.
Bhajji: Hello Nita Mam, I was telling what you were telling to me..about Sachin and Thank You Sachin..
Ambani Mam: Very good, very good…Best of luck
She hugs Bhajji, who is overcome, sheds a tear
Boys: Thank you MAM! Thank you MAM!
Bhajji: and yeah, if you have a facebook account, then you go join this cool group called Thank You Sachin!
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