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Showing posts with label Shakib Al Hasan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shakib Al Hasan. Show all posts

KKR – #IPL7PervView

by Gaurav Sethi

This team has more baggage than Louis Vuitton. Most of the Final  XI are no longer part of their national squad.

Skipper, Gambhir, has a team of amazing has-beens. The very reason for this team is the nostalgia they serve at the post match party.

The memory chest overruns with Gambhir and Kallis on top.  Manish Pandey was the first Indian to score an IPL 100. Uthappa hasn’t done much since he doffed his imaginary hat vs. Pakistan in 2007. Yusuf Pathan.  Where do you start with Yusuf? You could ask his dad? Or Irfan? Or speak to his chewing gum. They all will have a tale to tell.

“..and what a time it was, it was...”

And if this wasn’t enough, there’s the Blast-from-the- Piyush Chawla.

If only these guys could play in sepia.

But all play they will, for Gambhir has to prove them wrong. The Avengers come to mind. Only KKR does not have an A in it.

But there is thought to this team, and it challenges Gambhir, Yusuf, Uthappa, Chawla – to start thinking, from has-beens to wannabes to will-bees, to who knows, maybe even a Beatle. Chawla would be Ringo. Gambhir, Lennon. Uthappa, Paul. And Yusuf, George.

Vinay Kumar would be the 5th Beatle.

But what will Umesh Yadav be? From being India’s go-to bowler, he’s either injured or benched, even Varun Aaron’s beamers play before him.  Yadav has played only 1 T20 international.  Ishant Sharma has played 14, going at 8.63 runs per over, 8 wickets, average 50. Their IPL numbers though are woefully similar. As are most Indian medium fast types.

Other firangs have their own baggage: Shakib, KKR barely play him, not foreign enough for them.  Should be their first overseas’ player.  Kallis started with Wasim Jaffer and Chanderpaul in RCB’s famous Test Playing IPL team. Since then, he’s retired from Test cricket. Kallis can bat, bowl and grow hair. But in spite of all his greatness, there’s way too much method in his batting to be your go-to-T20 batsman top of the order. Can’t you see that dot played straight to cover with that beautifully angled bat?

Andre Russell inhabited the DD bench more than Tiwary, India’s. And when Russell did play, he bowled that one over, that invariably was his last.  Morne Morkel was dropped by DD for a qualifier/semi-final/Eliminator ; yeah, one of those things, when he was their top bowler. And he’s seen some bad days in the IPL, bowls length, almost as readily as Ishant. Gets hammered, like Ishant. But can run through the batting, unlike Ishant. But if you watched him slide and sort-of-field, your heart with bleed for the turf and his limbs in equal measure.

And then there’s Sunil Narine, who doesn’t quite fit into this team but won them the tournament, outsourcing it’s called.

Likely Playing XI (batting order)
1 Gambhir
2 Kallis
3 Manish Pandey
4 Uthappa
5 Shakib
6 Yusuf Pathan
7 Ryan Ten Doeschate / Chris Lynn / Cummins / Morne Morkel
8 Piyush Chawla
9 Narine
10 Vinay Kumar
11 Umesh Yadav / Bisla

KKR could make the playoffs, either for the top four or the bottom two: depends how far can one man’s belief in his jaded army can take them?   

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Shakib vs Srini

by Gaurav Sethi

click on cartoon





Shakib crotch-grab video

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England down

by Anonymous

I was on a road trip when the match happened and nearly crashed into another car when I heard the result. We had finally beaten the Poms. Nothing gives me more joy than to see the English be beaten at their own game.


But more than that, this win meant the three match ODI had been tied 1-1 and for the second time, Bangladesh had a chance to win a ODI series (if we exclude West Indies and Zimbabwe).

Huge stuff.

We didn't win of course, and although I secretly wished that we would I knew that it was not happening. Not because the second ODI win was a fluke, but because we lack the temperament to play big matches. Also, those Poms, they are slightly okay at this ODI thingy these days.

But now that we are done with our one night stands with the top level teams, we can think of roping them into relationships. Serious ones, where we dominate. I believe we are steadily making our way there...Mortaza is the new captain (I support it, Shakib was terrible and it was affecting his performance), Junaid Siddique is becoming a serious contender for the number three spot, we just won a match where Tamim was out early and even Crashrafool is being dropped occasionally. Not to mention Jamie Siddons has nearly perfected his suppressed angry face and these days you can only see the veins throbbing furiously. They are also picking up war injuries...well so far only my adopted son Mushfiq is. How can you not be rewarded after that?

Yes, we are done with one night stands. We are far too old for them.

Well...maybe one more with Ireland.

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To beat England

by Anonymous

Scrap Shakib's chicken pox and dip them in silver to make them look like diamonds. Then offer it to Alastair Cook as a bribe, he is from Essex after all.

Let Andrew Strauss know that his captaincy is in question. It's not, but they are English. They tend to believe in the worst.

Go the ICC way and pretend that Eoin Morgan is still too Irish for you to notice him.

Fix Tamim Iqbal quickly, that always helps. Remind him that Cook is playing and is therefore available to drop him at some point.

Frustrate them till they step on balls or clean them with nails. If we are lucky, they may take a bite as well.

Don't depend on Crashrafool. Or better yet, switch him with Mahmudullah.

Keep Mushfiq happy. He is my son you see. If you keep him happy, I am happy. If I am happy, I am not making the short five hour flight to England to unleash hell on you. If I am not making the short five hour flight to England to unleash hell on you, you are left with a team to at least compete. It all works out splendidly.

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Bungle-a-desh and other good puns.

by Gaurav Sethi

Ashraful and I go back a long way. I wrote about him even before he picked a cricket bat. Then I wrote about him when he picked a cricket bat and whacked the Aussies. Then he was A player in the B team. Now he’s the F player in the B team. Purna calls him Crashrafool.

But there’s a problem there. He refuses to play to reputation. Now that nobody believes he has a reputation see what he’s gone and done – he nearly did Pakistan. 65 of 49. It’s another thing, Bangladesh went Crashrafool.

It did help that Tamim didn’t steal the show – poor Ashraful he can’t play second fiddle, not to Tamim, not even to himself. Yesterday he wasn’t himself. For a while he was Shakib. But then so was Shakib. 47 of 31. 2 Shakibs in a team, tell Tamim and Mahmudullah they’re playing India, and the Deshis can be a pain in the....to any side.

PS: If everyone plays like Shakib, then the B'desh team should be called Shakib All Hasan

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Indians...and Pakistanis (a cricket film)

by Gaurav Sethi

INT. Q’s STUDY – NIGHT

Q furiously types at his laptop ignoring the banging at his main door. The Bored Cricket Crazy Indians…and Pakistanis Cover it Live is on his screen

KNOCKER1
We’ll huff and puff and blow your house down…

Q
Areh yaar, relax

KNOCKER2
We’ll huff and puff and blow your house down…

Q
Get a life, watch the game yaar

KNOCKER3
We’ll huff and puff and blow your house down…

The knockers storm Q’s house breaking the door. Q is unmoved as a bunch of his cricket friends surround him –

KNOCKER1
You coming to the sport’s bar or do we drag you…

But Knocker2 looks at Q’s screen that has Bored Cricket Indians and Pakistanis going on Live

KNOCKER2
Areh yaar, check this out…

One by one, the whole lotta them get reeled in…laptops lower themselves from the ceiling and suddenly we have a whole bunch of Q’s Pakistani's pals on Live with the Indians.

Phone rings, it’s NC on the phone / split screen, NC on one side, Q on the other

NC
You’ve done it, thanks for staying back

Q
We’ve done it, buddy.

Screen splits into over 20 parts, showing all the Bored Members raising their thumbs in the sickly advt way, only to bite it as a wicket falls.

Bored Anthem Remix starts to play -
‘Cause you’re bored like I’m bored
Got nothing happening but for the cricket
‘Cause we’re bored, so fucking bored
Bored Cricket Crazy Indians...and Pakistanis

--------------------------------------------------------

Bored Cricket Crazy Indians...and Pakistanis: If you visit Q’s Well Pitched that’s how the blogroll lists Bored. And that’s how it was in those heady days of India-Pak cricket unity. If you read this piece, then you begin to fathom what we were on to.

When we decided to do a Cover it Live for the Indo-Pak warm-up match, Q had a big night with his cricket yaars. He put that behind to be on Live for Bored. Q was my go-to guy – before that lousy MBA snatched him from us. He was the guy who started the Shakibbing. He was the guy who had more faith in Sachin than all of us put together. Happy Bored Day Q.

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Last of the recognised batsmen

by Gaurav Sethi

If you watch Bangladesh bat you will often hear – “this is the last of the recognised batsmen” - I just did again. Earlier when they were 5 down I heard, “this is the last of the recognised pairs”. How are these recognised pairs calculated, who are these recognised batsmen, more importantly, does Bangladesh have any recognised batsmen?

I’ve been thinking about this for a few days – how many Bangladeshi batsmen do we recognise, by name, by face? There’s Shakib, and we’ve followed his batting like the Hutch dog here. There’s Ashraful, whose batting went astray; and Mortaza’s IPL non-exploits – he’s not even playing now. And of course, Tamim, who’s quite an Indophile.

But apart from these recognisable batsmen, who are the others – hold your horses, there’s Mahmudullah, who walks in at the fall of the 7th wicket – and as Bangladesh is invariably 7 down, Mahmudullah is usually the last of the recognised batsmen. Funny how I still can’t recognise him. But then neither can the Indian bowlers.

It’s like this, they have grand plans for Mahmudullah – but then they ask themselves, who's this guy? You gotta recognise a batsman then plan his dismissal. Mahmudullah is the Andy Flower of Bangladesh. He is an even bigger Indophile than Tamim. And doesn’t he keep wickets well, at least his!

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Should Sehwag stop?

by Gaurav Sethi

At 78/0, it appeared Bangladesh was going down again, and the late start only delayed the mauling. All was well with Indian cricket, Sehwag and Gambhir were going about their business like one of those Laxmi Mittal takeovers in Borat’s backyard.

Then the kick on the backside, then another, and another. Two down in three balls, 85/3, 104/4, 160/5, 182/7, 209/8; guess what, India’s ordinary too. So, should Sehwag stop speaking his mind? If he spoke his mind today, I reckon he would’ve said India is ordinary too. Just that, no more.

Now as it turns out, he’s given the whole world a chance to take a shot at his “ordinary” comment. Maybe a gag order is on its way.

While most cricketers call a spade a club, Sehwag is honest enough to call it as he sees it, and you gotta respect him for that. His ordinary comment got me thinking about cricket and its ordinariness – SAF are ordinary, but England are ordinary squared, Oz are ordinary but Pak are ordinary cubed.

The fact that you and me continue to watch so much ordinary cricket, says a lot for our patience. It’s been a rough decade, Ponting became player of the…

What will Sehwag get out of this – if India loses, mud on his face; if India wins, then like Ponting got away with a bad toss call in Sydney, everybody will have a good laugh.

But what about Sehwag – will he be twisted into talking crooked?

“Bangladesh are a vastly improving team. They have just beaten a competitive West Indies team – and under Shakib they have a promising young captain who is one of the world’s best allrounders”

Left to Sehwag of course, this is what he’ll say:

“Bangladesh are just not improving. They have only beaten a third rate West Indian team and under Shakib they have an anonymous captain who nobody in the world knows about”

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The try series.

by Gaurav Sethi

It may not be a series, but it does have aspirations. Bangladesh playing against itself would have thrilled the crowds more. Instead, they dragged two teams along. But it’s a given, if you ask India over, Lanka follows – it’s one of those wicked 1+1 deals.

If test cricket is too humdrum, all three should play; first and second innings Ind v Bangla, 3rd and 4th, Lanka v Bangla. It’s a home series, Bangla must play throughout.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: The Deshis have been very hospitable. After India lost its opening game and lost the subsequent toss to B’desh, Shakib handed India the better conditions.

Are the Deshis looking at this as a conditioning camp? Prepare in swamps for the 2011 World Cup. In fact, the pool games played in B’desh will be pool games, literally. And B’desh will already know how to lose their pool games; they won’t feel defeated when they’re beaten. This entire try series, it’s all about looking ahead. And the Deshis now know, the future sucks and so do they. If only the West Indies Cricket Board was running Indian and Lankan cricket; just imagine what they could have achieved.

Instead you’re left with a dead game, where Ravi Shastri talks of India going for a Bonus Point to challenge themselves. And the highpoint, as always a 100; SMG talks us through the countdown – 8 for a win, 6 for a 100. If only BossDK and BosST were in the box.

Kohli makes his 100, India makes it without using the batting powerplay – why can’t they be carried forward to the finals? More importantly, why is there a final – what is it that you don’t know about these two teams? Here’s to rain. It won’t be the first time India and Lanka have shared a trophy; something tells me it won’t be the last.

Passing thought, why don’t they play as one team. And in keeping with the IPL, this new Republic should field a minimum 4 Indians. That should take care of the tri series. As for the hosts, for once, they can float into the finals. And drown in it.

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The Difference.

by Bored Guest

Sri Lanka are chasing Bangladesh's puny sub 250 score with ease. Jayawardene is playing as if the last month never happened. Tharanga likes to score on pitches in places where Bengali is spoken.

Bangladesh struggled and stuttered and sputtered to reach 249 on this pitch. A day ago, Mighty Mahmudullah swung his bat and spanked the highly ranked Indian consortium of bowlers and dart throwers and pie chuckers.

With India's bowling being the way it is and Shakib having learnt the lesson that he must not bat first here, our hopes lie perhaps too much on the toss.

Here is what I hope turns out to be the sequence of events:

We lose the toss and are made to bowl second in both our remaining matches. Dilshan will bat like an Anti Buddhist and earn his desired locker in the DD dressing room ahead of Ashish Nehra, Thushara will make Dhoni blush. Maybe we manage to win the next one, it would be a close match then because remember, we've lost the toss and are bowling second. Or we could lose both but go through to the finals, eliminating Bangladesh on the basis of NRR. The heroics of Mushfiqur will not be in vain though, Dileep Premachandran will write a glowing feel good article about Bangladesh's performance which will leave people questioning their understanding of cricket and its intricacies, their knowledge of its history, the socio-politico-cultural-psychological factors and their vocabulary.

But on the day of the final, the unplanned for happens and India win the toss. Sri Lanka will politely be asked to bat first. But as a proud and young unit building a core team for the 2011 in this very sub continent, Sri Lanka will refuse to lose the toss and lose to the toss.

Dilshan will shine and the Tharanga will fly high as Sri Lanka will post a mammoth freaking target of 415. That's nearly 10 times the average Raina score!

But we are not the third best team in ODIs for nothing. Each batsman will make a fist of it and proceed to show Sri Lanka exactly how to chase a score of say..415.

Sangakkara will issue a heartfelt apology in Sinhalese, even the confused Dhaka crowd will clap for a speech well made, Dhoni will let out a solitary, secret, internal sigh of relief and the bowlers will let out a collective sigh of relief.

In the end, the difference between the two teams will be Sri Lanka's lucky streak with the toss. The difference will be their inexperience bowling second on this goddamn pitch.

by Crownish
blogs at FCKING BLOG (Fantasy Cricket Kings Blog)

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