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in the Ponting - Zaheer Saga, what you think is not what they think. Here is the what and how:
two days before the Mohali test, at a 5 star hotel somewhere in Mohali
The Aussies are all in a room, drawing strategies to bring the downfall of India and to take home the Border-Gavaskar Meme. Everyone seems to be serious. Suddenly, Ponting takes off his earphones mumbling something to the tune of "who put Radiohead in my iPod?"
Then, convinced that everyone had stopped thinking and talking about the Indians, he proclaimed: "this is your skipper speaking. North, look here! Your concentration levels are so low I would not be surprised if even if someone as bad as Zaheer Khan bowled you while you were shouldering arms. Ok, where was I. Yes, we play Ind... Dougy!!! stop that singing. No wait, as a punishment you have to sing it loud so that everyone can listen and make fun of you. On my count. 3....2...1...go..."
Bollinger, not at all ashamed, stuffs a $100 bill which he had been playing with into his pocket and starts singing:
I like IPL 'cos it is good
I love IPL because I should
if there was a song to sing
I sing it and IPL you bring
I think IPL when I am sad
''cause the IPL it makes me glad
now there's nothing left to say
so lets go get auctioned...
to this tune.
Ponting gets more upset and starts spitting on his palm. "See, this is what becomes of people who just care about money. Look at Pup, look at me. We have the power of restraint, a willingness to just represent our beloved nation." Pup smiles in servitude. Ponting continues, "Don't all of you think that we should not sell ourselves like Bollinger has?"
Everyone else, apart from Pup, responds in chorus:
IPL is good
IPL is good
IPL is good
... and Stuff
IPL is good
IPL is good
IPL is good
let's go think some IPL
to be continued...
find ankit here
The Ponting - Zaheer saga, Part 1
balls
the icc have started another round of talks.
talks in which all they do is decide what’s on the menu.
well, almost till they eat, of course.
when they were fed up of the London fish-n-chips, they moved their shop to Dubai, to get more of the international variety of food.
there is a saying in India - “Sab khaate hain”. This should be put up on the notice boards on all floors of the ICC HQs.
now when the ICC doesn’t see much beyond food, even this post is having similar thoughts.
but we are posts of the higher moral fibre, we are much above thoughts of the gourmet.
so we move on…
after the officials are done eating, one of them suddenly looks at the clock - which has the watermark of Lalit Modi, with dollar signs for eyes – and shouts - “OMG, its almost time. What do we tell the press?”
F****!
The above word was in chorus and correct.
“Quick” claims the top dude. “Being the top dude, I instruct all quick thinkers here to think quickly and come up with some suggestions to improve the game we al dearly *burps* love.”
People think. Someone from Pakistan raises his hand, and is duly ignored by the top dude.
The Australian doesn’t even raise a hand, just murmurs out loud - “eh, what about the reinstatement of the super series, with Oztralia as the fixed team playing the best players from around the world, Whatd’ya say maite?” The Modi on the clock chuckles in glee.
“first of all, I am not your mate or maite or whatever the f*** you want me to be your”, barks the top dude…
to be continued…
Indians in a FIX to MATCH up with the Aussies
I have been reading a lot today. As I was reading, I just realised how timeless Indian cricket had been, apart from knowing how a certain Marquee can offend a person. I also read a great congratulatory for Pakistan on the T20 win, and add to that a sincere bashing of MSD’s tactics.
I capped off my knowledge acquisition by finding out what a Characters XI would look like.
To cut a long story short
HAPPY BORED DAY BHASKAR KHAUND
************************************************************************************
Now to something far less important.
It seems that I was shouting out the words “fix” and “match”. In fact, I was. In the past 2 days, ever since a man who could Singh took to the Aussies and showed what anger and a little bit of Praveen Kumar can do.
Everyone has been talking of the match being fixed and the Aussies were paid off to bowl Watson (crap outside off) and Siddle (shit round the wicket). Brett ‘Shukriya India’ Lee could also have bowled, but then he would have had to bowl full tosses at head height. Just 3 of them.
So what is cricket all about? Is it about fucktards believing in theories, or about questioning the moral fibre of the players and authorities. I am not talking about the moral fibre of the bookies here. Or, is cricket about how it makes us feel.
When Harbhajan was teri-maa-keeoing the Aussies to all parts of Vadodara, what if Ponting was grinning from the inside? Was Shane Watson assured of a place in the next game that he was bowling his ‘natural’ deliveries? Was Peter Siddle hyptonised into believing that hitting the back of Harbhajan’s knee would stop the world from being destroyed on Dec 21st 2012.
I don’t care.
What I care about is the game was a treat to watch. Fans loved the excitement, Sehwag showed the bowlers how to get him out if the ball is swinging away, Sachin reiterated his commitment to temporary mediocrity, Students of the game got to know about a lot of skills to be learnt and not to be learnt, and Gambhir proved why he is the new Dravid.
The only people who seem to have a problem is those of a thick moral fibre and a thicker vacuum of attention. So let them be, and let us enjoy the game. If there is something wrong, trust me the ICC knows more than you guys. And if the ICC can’t do anything about it, no petition will.
If you really care about cricket, talk about how beautiful it is, not what is supposedly wrong with it. All that will get you is more pageviews. Oh, I forgot, you are happy with just that.
Ankit also blogs at the Brand New Paddlesweep
An ode to Jatman, and my best moments
We all know you are capable of something which we all are not. And we all are not capable of what you can do. We are talking about things with the bat in hand, of course.
Two moments which reposed faith in Viru Jatman Sehwag
Cut to 3 November 2001 v South Africa
India were something for 5, you were making your debut. What we also know now that you had your learning hat on as well. Sachin was on the other end, on the way for another century, yawns. Uncontested, unrivalled, and simply the best. You envied yourself for having that seat in the house.
WAKE UP, cried a voice in your head. This is not a field in Najafgarh and Sachin is not your God anymore. Not JUST your god. He is your teammate and teammates means you have an opportunity to show him what you have in you.
But how? These saffers are digging it in more than Booker T would ever allow us to! There was pain, there was misery, then there was a solution. If you can’t be different from the master, then don’t be. Who cares! The lift-shot was born that day, invented by God, and learnt on the very day by the disciple. Talk about devotion. Talk about Jatman.
Cut to 9 August 2005 v Sri Lanka, ODI, Indian Oil Cup, Premadasa
True Story. The score was 20/0 after three overs. At the beginning of the fourth, I was sitting in the hostel, with a radio in tow, thinking about turning it off as Viru wasn’t being Viru and sort of shouted inside my head that “dude, kick some arse”. What happened next, as they say, is history:
5.1 Dilhara to Sehwag, FOUR
5.2 Dilhara to Sehwag, FOUR
5.3 Dilhara to Sehwag, SIX
5.4 Dilhara to Sehwag, FOUR
5.5 Dilhara to Sehwag, FOUR
5.6 Dilhara to Sehwag, FOUR
Talk about answering a fan’s plea. Talk about Jatman.
Tears in my eyes
this is from my personal archives…nothing duplicated, feel like sharing it now, after a chat I had with NC:
Some dreams are truly beautiful!
When I was six years old, I used to play tennis ball cricket with folks from surrounding areas. Most of them were about 10 years older than I was, which meant I was the last one to bat, no one taught me how to bat, and wicket-keeping came naturally. I remember a couple of occasions when I took a breathtaking catch or made the crucial last 5 or 10 runs needed to win the match and fill my teammates(who had lost hope, of course) with tremendous joy.
As I grew up, the breathtaking catches became a norm and the batting as well as the number at which I batted, improved. I enjoyed the tests the most. The tests were 2-innings a side games which lasted for five days, each day consisting of 2 hours maximum or till lights permitted. I proudly bragged about two ground records I held for around 4 years. ( I think I still hold one of them). They were:
- Highest Individual Score: 142 off 83 balls (set in June 2000, got broken in June 2003)
- Fastest Fifty: in 14 balls. I ended up scoring 73 off 23 and we ended up chasing 106 in near dark conditions on day 5. (set in June 2000, still unbroken)
Such are memories which stick. And are sweet even now. They used to call me the "velcro cheetah”, for obvious reasons…
Meanwhile, I was always improving. I could field at all positions save slip (keepers suck at slip, its the 180 degrees habit), I could take ultimate reflex catches, and would have tears in my eyes whenever, when I was batting and would hit an excellent cover drive or one over long off(my favourite), dad would cross the street and tell mom or whoever was with him- “look, he is my son!”
Around 2003, I was in 9th grade and the only thing I wanted to do in life was to play for India one day. Suddenly, one fine day, I was told not to go and play – by my dad. He did not give any reason. No he did give me one: “koi bhee aira gaira parthiv patel nahin ban jaata hai. padhai pe dhyaan do! (every tom, dick and harry cannot become Parthiv Patel, Concentrate on your studies.” I had tears then too, and hated him for about 2 years. No, I hated both of them (dad and Parthiv).
I did not play a single day for 2 years. In 11th, when I was in DPS NOIDA(high school), I started again as I was in boarding, and could never be the velcro cheetah again! 
I worked hard, but people always seemed to be much better than me. I mean, I got into the Hostel Team (was their second best batsman), but I knew this was never going to be good enough. I thought this would be the time to decide between my dream and my career. Alas, the 2 years of no cricket had already made the decision. The day I realised this fact, I had tears in my eye…
Ravindra Jadeja made his debut this february, and scored a fifty. He might not succeed in the long run, he might not be a great, but his story touched the chords of my heart like nothing till now ever has. Here it is:
In the morning, ahead of Jadeja’s first one-day international, Sachin Tendulkar gave him the India cap on the ground. It’s been a 12-year dream for Jadeja. It’s the story of a young boy and his mother standing firm on the path to walk in life.
When he was just eight and beginning to fall in love with the game, his father, a security guard, decided he had to join the army and was just a day away from enrolling him. Jadeja cajoled his mother to persuade his father from doing it.
Jadeja’s mother passed away in 2005 and he has been nursing her dream. "She wanted to see me in Indian colours. Losing her was the saddest moment of my life." The young boy has fulfilled his promise.
Mr. Ravindra Jadeja, you are the “lapku bhagoda” I could never be! Live my dream…Right now, I have tears in my eyes.
PS: It all right, Parthiv. And yeah, dad stopped me from playing as he had seen one of my teammates carry a gun on him. Nothing against you now, love you dad.
Ankit Mishra also blogs at Paddlesweep
Andrew Strauss loses cool, turns semi-geek, semi-bad guy
Andrew Strauss leading and freeing the team of unpredictable uncertainties
Andrew Strauss has been having a really troubled life. Just when he thought that immortality was his after winning the ashes, the Aussies crushed his ego which by then had reached the peak of Rosemary Bank.
Then, having decided that he was full of shit and capable of no good (equilibrium frame of mind), Australia New Zealand surprise him by losing. “Why me?”, he asks god.
Now he is thinking about such important life and death issues, about the quest to solve his identity issues, about saving the world from inconsistencies, and suddenly he looks up to see his team scoring more than 320 odd runs against South Africa.
His eyes light up: “Are we going to be the team this time? Will we be given the opportunity to knock these buggers out of an ICC Event this time? Are you sure, Lord!”
Another twist awaits him. Cut to two and a half hours later. A certain G Smith is batting on about 120, Strauss is still in his Utopian Wannbreams of course. He is snapped out of that by the Umpire who is just doing the formality of asking the opposition skipper as Smith had called for a runner.
“I am in the middle of a conversation with the almighty and you need a RUNNER? That’s too bad, as I won’t let you have one. The rulebook says that I have full right to deny you if I feel like so. F*ck the rulebook, I won’t anyway allow you. You have no idea how f*cked up my mind is right now, so don’t push it. Aiite?”
Smith replies in a language which could not be understood by any England player as KP wasn’t there.
It is another story that England won this game too and are lost in the pit of disbelief at the moment. Smith can have the last laugh.
Did Bhajji just shove away his captaincy chances
This is too funny to even laugh. Harbhajan Singh, on camera, has aggressively pushed away a mediaperson. The guy’s crime – well, his camera just brushed the spinner’s head. Awesome.
I don’t want to talk about that incident though. It was plain stupid, and we all laughed. To more important issues, Viru wants to quit the vice captaincy so that a younger player can be groomed. Fair enough. But guess who publically applied for the vacancy – none other than the man of the moment – Harbhajan Singh. Awesomer. What part of ‘younger’ didn’t he get?
What do you guys think?
Baz McCullum and the Buddhiman Baba
No, this is not a Harry Potter spin-off. This is about the Kolkata Knight Riders and how they made a bigger asshole a**h**e of themselves by playing well today.
Brendon Baz McCullum had underperformed till now. He is a kiwi cricketer, he knows all about losing. He knows how it feels when the sport you play loses out to rugby. He knows how it feels when you end up as the 9th best side in the world, no matter what the rankings say.
He was the perfect choice for skipper because Buchanan knew that if you are destined to lose, better do it with a captain who can take it in his stride. I bet another book is on the cards for the pacman-loving coach. (of course, what else do you think is on his laptop)
Sachin Tendulkar has gone on record saying that he would not play under John Buchanan even if he is offered 100 billion dollars.
The above is not true. I used my journalistic liberties, but you get the point of course.
When it mattered, everyone failed. When it doesn’t matter, look at them. They are playing for PRIDE. If there was any pride in them, they would have taken their practice sessions seriously.
All this team does is hides behind controversies, fake blogs, bad coaching, and even racism. It seems Akash Chopra was called an Indian by Andy Bichel and he cried all the way back to India and told his friend Ajay comedy-judge Jadeja. SRK of course is not impressed.
Still, a hilarious word of praise for Wriddhiman Saha. Here is why. During the last over, when Kallis bowled a no ball and McCullum pushed it to extra cover, the latter refused a run, and preferred to take strike for the free hit. This did not go down well with the racially challenged bangali hello spirit hello of the Buddhiman Baba. So, when Baba himself finally got the strike for the last ball, he did what the skip could not even dream that he could do.
Concentrating all his angst on the ball, he sent it soaring above the long on boundary. Way to go, INDIAN!!! What was gestured to the skipper after the ball by the INDIAN is still not known, but I am sure the fake IPL Player would be working on it.
Dope on the technical committee…
here are the suspects who decide whether a suspect action is suspect or is wrongly suspected by the suspective (is that a word) umpires:
Amit Singh reported for suspect action
Amit Singh, the RR pacer partially responsible for the thrashing of Bangalore the other day, has been reported for a suspect bowling action by the two umpires to the match referee S Venkatraghwan, bringing the tally of bowlers reported this year to two. Co-incidentally, the other bowler reported is also a Rajasthan player. I am talking about Kamran Khan of course.
Singh, who plays for Gujarat in the Indian Domestic Season, took 3 crucial wickets in the said game yesterday and was hailed by one and all as a talent to watch out for, mainly for his ability to hit the deck and bowl fairly accurately.
It is still unclear what action would be taken against him. You be the judge. Meanwhile, I would dig up the IPL Technical Committee and find out what it is and who they are.
by Ankit Mishra
blasphemy at its peak
Right from the day the tactical timeout has been introduced, it has been riddled with controversy. Rightly so, as pure money making opportunisms have led to teams getting an extra 7 and a half minutes to think about the game after 10 overs.
Whenever commerce has tried to meddle with the arts, it is the art which bears the brunt. The tactical timeout has changed the dynamic of the twenty20 game, with teams either bowling or batting themselves out of the game during overs 11 to 14. This is a cause of concern, as the continuity of cricket as well as a batsman’s right to benefit from his concentration are adversely compromised. Even a player of the calibre of Sachin Tendulkar has spoken up against this playing condition.
It seems that the only people who love it are the cricinfo text commentators. Good for you, guys. The timeout has been bagged by every cricketing expert, be it an expert worth his pinch of salt or an expert worth his weight in gold.
Lalit Modi is a very shrewd person, blah blah. Sir, you have gone wrong here. The people have accepted this as an aberration in a perfect television package, not a welcome break to attend to nature’s call or a little quickie.
Little Quickie…the double use of similar words reminds me of the way Mr. Modi has shrewdly manipulated the rule and today, he comes up with a proposed modification. He believes that if people do not like the 450 second timeout, why not give them two timeouts of 150 seconds each, totalling 300 seconds, and in turn squeezing in 75 extra advertisement seconds in each of the mini-timeouts. Smart? Stupid! Whatever. People will still take it as what it is, just this time the monster would grow an extra head.
by Ankit Mishra
Ankit's Moment of IPL Match 5
Scene: last over of the Chennai Innings. Dale Steyn is bowling. Freddy Flintoff is at the crease.
Steyn runs in quick and mean, Flintoff shuffles and moves towards the off side. Steyn follows him, misses the bat by about 3 inches, and as it is technically so, Brian Jerling stretches his arms.
Steyn gives it to him in the local language...
That is not it..
3 balls later, Steyn yorks Albie Morkel and mutters to the umpire: "now that wasn't too wide, was it?"
Fast Bowler going full senti...
Love it...
Ankit's Moment: Match 4
Ajit Agarkar, one of the Lords century fame, and everytime bowling shame, came in to bowl as the fifth bowler - after dada, mind it!
IPL to be postponed?
everyone pray that this is not true
let us all join our hands in prayer to the cricket gods
these torrid times need the IPL
I am no one to take guarantee of security in India, but for god sake, the IPL should not suffer
there is too much hope involved, there are no pakistani players involved
the IPL should not be affected, please!
so here is the prayer:
dear almighty, god of cricket
what is this sticky wicket?
do not curse the eye-pee-el
i promise sree-bhajji would kiss and tell
We asked you for money
you gave us plenty
we asked for lots of wins
you gave us god* and the prince*
we demanded a blend of everything awesome
season one was more than welcome
and now all we ask for is an encore
do we deserve this furore?
sachin would be thanked duly well
gilly would continue his farewell
haydos, dada would join in the fun
why do we fear, why be on a run?
we want eye-pee-el
we want eye-pee-el
we want eye-pee-el
we want eye-pee-el
amen
Lest we forget
I am angry. I am frustrated. I wanted to write this for a long time, but could not. I could not get the courage to write about this incident. I hated Set Max for this. I did not come to know about the incident till the mid-innings break when Srinath and Charu were talking about it.
Terrorists attacked the Sri Lanka team bus at Lahore, but you all know about it. I was literally trembling when I heard about the happenings. Without a moments delay, I switched to CNN. Eight policemen were killed, trying to save the Sri Lankan cricketers. I cried for them.
Yes, Sangakkara does not regret touring Pakistan because he is a professional. Yes, Jayasuriya is putting up a brave front and proclaiming that no one is seriously hurt. No NATIONAL HERO is seriously hurt. I felt bad. Not because no one was hurt, I am not a sadist. I was sad because 5 national heroes had already lost their lives. Their families totally regret Sri Lanka touring Pakistan.
These security men deserve to belt riot mobs, not defend against proliferated Kalashnikovs and AKs and hand grenades. Frigging Hand Grenades!
This post is for the men who lost their lives. Yes you cricket fans, I mean it. They may be more important on the cricket field, but every human is equal. Pardon my brashness, but I would like everyone to spare a thought for the real heroes. Thats all.
by Ankit Mishra
Saffas vs Ozzies...why BCC! should be interested
by Ankit Mishra
I was wondering what to post about, and then the single biggest thing in southern hemisphere cricket came up. South Africa takes on Australia in a test series starting today and I dug up the reasons why a Bored Cricket Crazy Indian should be interested. It took careful research and a lot of free time to come up with this: 5 reasons why a BCC! should be interested...
1. The scenery in SA is very picturesque...Don’t watch the cricket watch the stands, if you know what I mean. The only other place that compares is the West Indies, but then there is a slight difference of pigmentation which we of course are not concerned about
2. You can have fun watching the teams tug it out on “who wants to be a #2”
3. You can use your creativity to suggest 101 ways to use the ICC Mace thingie. I could suggest one here, but then the site’s ratings would change.
4. You can watch the IPL players in action before the IPL. For example, you can see if Kallis plays faster in tests.
5. Play “Kaala Bandar” from “Delhi 6” and wear the tee saying “I am not missing Symmo”. No offence meant. Hope none taken.
please come up with your own ideas...lets make this more interesting than it is for us...
Pakistan stripped of title, Indians wonder what to care about.
by Ankit Mishra
There are times when you hate such a headline, there are times when you love it. This is indifferent. This is indeed different.
The erstwhile mighty West Indians have saved the ad-hoc test match by nothing more than the length of Fidel Edwards' hair.
*********
BREAKING NEWS
We are sorry to interrupt the blog post but this is important, though we are trying our level best to determine why! Anyway, here goes:
FIDEL EDWARDS WAS BORN IN A VILLAGE CALLED GAYS
Such genuine news can only be a result of being so bored...be bored....be informed!!!
*********
Stupid Breaking News...Coming back to whatever we were at, because the West Indies have saved the test match in a great effort (involving sliding past active guillotines and the likes of 10 and 11 having to stare at the face of defeat for 36 minutes), they have stripped Pakistan off its title of being the most unpredictable team. All hail West Indies.
One day they would be the team to lose to, on another they are not even worth beating...
Poor Pakistan. Now the only title it holds is that of playing the least matches in a calender year. No, Zimbabwe still holds that. India, who until recently held the same record, are not sure whether to be happy or be sad. They have bigger problems, like the colour of their shirt or the late arrival of Dinesh Karthik into their team bus. Yuvraj has to decide who to pick as his girlfriend – Kotak or Lamba!
