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1) 94 ways to say Thank You Sachin!
2) 200 chances Randiv missed to deny Jatman
3) 5 reasons to remember Tinu Yohannan
4) 194 reasons to declare
5) 6 reasons to never forget Chetan Sharma
6) 302 reasons to love Che Pujara
7) 148 ways to say, "yes, of course, I’ve arrived.."
8) 35 Jumbo reasons to not glare at your fielders
9) 16 wins to lose your way
10) 0 reasons to not like us on facebook
O' right, we've crossed a 1000 likes. Because there's still no love button on facebook. Now come on outta the closet, and give us some Like!
And what's with the cryptic numbers, do tell.
A Thousand Bored Ways To Like Cricket
Time for TERI MAA KI!!!
Promo for India-Australia series
Music: Pink Floyd’s Mother
The Indian cricketers in their homes, blessed by their mothers. Each player touches his mother’s feet and is handed a bat or ball by his mother. The mother then wipes a tear as she commands her son to battle.
Music Changes to: Maa ka ladla
The Indian cricketers in their homes, blessed by their mothers. Each player touches his mother’s feet and is handed a bat or ball by his mother. The mother then wipes a tear as she commands her son to battle.
Music Changes to: Maa ka ladla
Elsewhere the Aussie cricketers are in their homes, patted, hi-fived and handed a bottle of Victoria Bitter by their mothers.
Music mix of Mother and Maa ka ladla goes under
As MSD and Ponting stick their faces into each other and snarl: TERI MA KI!
Bhajji forces himself into the frame, doing his Bhangra, fluttering the tri-colour.
Team Bonding is passe! Franchisees are the way to go!
A year ago, the first edition of CLT20 in Cricket concluded. Very conveniently for a section (a large one) of western media, and former cricketers from Australia, England etc, an Aussie team won it and all IPL teams crashed before semis. They went on to mock IPL, and concluded that IPL teams can never match the teams from other countries, who have bonded through the year and fight for each other(!).
Of course, that was cynical but a large section of the western press, former cricketers, bloggers from Aus/Eng/NZ-etc, commenters thereof rejoiced in their theory and generally let out a cry of joy in India's direction. Where are you folks? Just show up now!
Some stats from CLT20
An IPL team was the champion
Half of the finalists were from IPL, the better half at that
50% of the Semi-finalists were from IPL
66% of the IPL teams made it to the semis
The next best was Aussie teams(50%), Saffers(50%).
So, what happened to all that team bonding, and money based franchisees can never beat the sheer love and passion that other league cricketers have for their team LOL
Ian Slipper(Former Cricketer, Australia) and co., please voice your opinion now
And all assorted bloggers who expressed that sentiment last year, speak up now. I have bookmarked a lot of you so I'll publish the links soon of all you wise old men where you cynically, with an agenda, tried to link up unlinked facts and based on your indigestion at IPL's success, tried to use NSW's victory as a prop.
What did you say? Oh yeah I am gloating on the basis of a single triumph by an IPL team. Of course, that is silly. That is the point. That is what you did last year. I laughed at you then. I am laughing now. Yeah, you know who you are. That is why you shouldn't gloat based on a single event. Hope you learnt your lesson.
*And I am not seriously gloating - I am just making a point - so you cannot throw this back at me if a non-IPL team wins next year.
** IPL may be evil. But the point is many of ye who are opposing IPL could possibly be equally evil, just with a different agenda. Simple, plain, obvious fact but needs restating in today's unthinking world.
New IPL model for the national squad
The Champions League finals were supposed to be the last match played by the current CSK squad as a team. Come fresh auctions and most players cannot be retained. Clearly this is not pleasing some influential people who are demanding a longer run for the reigning IPL and ACLT champions. There’s been talk of fielding a CSK XI as the India XI against Australia.
Instead of four foreigners, it’s been proposed that four players of Indian origin from other IPL teams will be accommodated. Not hard to tell who these four will be – Sachin, Bhajji, Sehwag, Dravid. The final XI could be: Sehwag, Vijay, Dravid, Sachin, Raina, Srikkanth, Dhoni, Ashwin, Bhajji, Balaji, Jakati. As usual, there’s been a strong push for more than four foreigners (read as non CSK players) – seeing as CSK’s bowling’s a little thin, Zaks could add much needed flab to the attack.
Ashwin’s interview with a selector
Selector: Congrats on the Golden Ball, but can you bat?
Ashwin: Yes I can bat, I have two first class hundreds…
Selector: That’s first class cricket, everyone has runs in first class cricket, how have you fared in internationals…
Ashwin: I’ve played one one-dayer, made 38…
Selector: Only one one dayer, that’s not much to go by…you know we’re looking for a bowling allrounder…like Bhajji…and Bhajji is already in the team
Ashiwn: OK
Selector: So please talk to me when you have played more internationals and we will consider you for selection then…
Ashwin: How will I do that?
Selector: On the sheer weight of your performances, you will come knocking on our door..
Ashwin: I’m first a bowler
Selector: That’s what, everyone is a bowler these days…you have to work on your batting…look at Piyush Chawla…he top scored today against Australia…an international side…you speak with him and yeah, Bhajji…you know Bhajji has worked on his batting at the cost of his bowling…he is that selfless a player…when you improve your batting, ok, understand…
(Phone rings)
Selector nods away as he speaks to his colleague
Selector (continues speaking to Ashwin): Areh, why didn’t you tell me, you have taken 13 wickets in internationals in T20 Champions League…you have very good international experience…and your IPL numbers are good too…very good…you will be in the team very soon..but don’t forget your batting, ok beta, thanks for coming beta..
Saving Ryan Sidebottom’s Privates.
After Kallis and Steyn were lost to injury in the Champions League, the paranoid Pauls from Cricket South Africa rushed in for a quickie with the BCCI. On their wish list was how to arrest future injuries to their injury prone cricketers.
The verdict: during IPL and CLT20 games, tough catches and run outs will not be attempted. The rest of the discussions centered around defining a ‘tough catch and run-out’. The South Africans argued that what could be an easy catch for their players could well be a tough one for the Indians. Finally it was decided that a player will have to decide for himself, and if and when he drops or does not attempt a ‘tough catch’, the captain will not glare or abuse him. Special note was made to communicate this to Kumble. Also, the commentators will be directed not to make any mention of the dropped catch; no replays of the drop will be telecast, and an immediate ad break will be taken. In this break, ads of players dropping or taking catches will not be telecast.
Spearhead DAK (or , SpeeDAX) - 2
Second post in a series inspired by ZAK who - rightfully as our spearhead - takes it upon himself to walk up from his fielding position for a chat before every delivery to enthuse , energise and encourage whoever happens to be bowling. Our superhero protagonist in this series is Spearhead DAK , or SpeeDax for short. For the first post in the series, go here
We come in when bowler YY is running in to bowl his next delivery. SpeeDAX is fielding at mid off.
Now , this is strange . For a change , SpeeDAX hasn't walked up to talk to the bowler before the delivery. It's quite evident that SpeeDAX has forgotten to. What happens now ?
This :
Just as YY is about to deliver , SpeeDAX runs like a crazy cheetah from his position and intercepts him bang at the bowling crease and prevents the delivery. You see , he has to say a few words first.
YY (shocked) : " Hey whaddaf....?""
SpeeDAX (nonchalant) :" OK , so keep it wicket-to-wicket , alright ?"
The umpire is not at all amused. He calls No Ball.
A dazed YY walks back to the top of his run up to start all over again.
SpeedDAX walks up to him from mid-off
SpeeDAX : ""No ball ? No probs , yaar. Come on , shabash , keep it up."
Team Building Exercises for Chennai Super Kings
CSK and India Cements owner, N Srinivasan hops into the hall in an India Cements sack, followed by Kris Srikkanth and the resident CSK astrologer, also in their cement sacks.
Srikkanth: Wadducallit ImGoingHoppingMadInSacks…
Astrologer: Shhh Sri sir will hear you, shhh...Sri Sir…you’re enjoying hopping
Srinivasan: I have not digested my lunch only
Astrologer: For team morale sir, we must lead the ways
The CSK team is gathered in the hall, they start to get into their CSK India Cements' sacks.
Srikkanth is excited, he's just spotted his son, and makes an effort to run-hop to him in his sack…
Srikkanth: Wadducallit MySon…Anirudha
In his excitement, Srikkanth trips himself, and falls over in the sack; Anirudha embarrassed titters weakly at his mates…
Astrologer: Aaah there you are Mathew Hayden..I was telling Sri Sir that like you played lucky mascot in IPL you will play lucky in semis
Hayden: But I don’t wanna play, mate….ummm Hussey should play…
Srinivasan: Should we start the sack race…boys
Hayden: Can I hit the sack, mate…don't wanna play nuthin no more
Badrinath in sack, tries to get off the bench but falls..MSD reprimands him
MSD (to Badri): Areh, you don’t need an early start…you will come later
Badri sullen face sits back on the bench
Srikkanth can be seen pushing his son forward, while the son tries to shrug him off. Vijay tries to hop ahead – not hopping straight, he attempts to hop across the line and falls.
After Vijays early fall, MSD shouts at Badri to come off the bench…while the astrologer is still pushing Hayden. Murali is frowning, someone has made the 8 in his 800 t-shirt a zero. Raina puts on skates and gets into the sack. His fate, not to different from Vijay’s. Hussey meanwhile is half way across the hall, Badrinath has just started, Kemp can’t fit into a sack..
MSD (to Hayden): Where’s Morkel, Matt
Hayden: Ummm he hit the sack, mate..
MSD: No he didn’t, I don’t see him in the sack, mate
Hayden walks away, thought blurb over his head – “these Indians”, thought blurb over MSD’s head, “these Aussies”.
A sexy CSK groupie starts to flirt with MSD and asks him
Groupie: Know you’re married and all, but you wanna hit the sack with me...
MSD (bewildered, twitches and then winks): Areh? How does my being married stop me from playing in the sack with you
Groupie jumps with joy and nearly jumps MSD there…
MSD (as if looking into camera): Ub hoga usli mukabla!
Also Read: Bangalore Royal Challenger's Team Building exercises
Song for Che
Let’s sing a song for Che
Why you ask, coz no one else will
He’s not yet branded or fully landed
In the mysterious world of fame us cricket grouse
He scores his runs, he takes his twos and he takes his ones
In between he makes triples
But why is it always the other kids who make the fucking ripples
Let’s sing a song for Che
Who’s that you ask? You fool, you don’t know who Che is?
He’s the hottest search on cricinfo, a billion people didn’t know him before
So do the math, how many are on the computer path
And you’ll figure, and it’ll kinda trigger, who are those guys
Who wanna find out about Che
Che, he’s no revolutionary, mercenary, or Cuba Gooding Jr’s bad boy
He’s a good lad, playing his cricket, scoring runs, playing for a state
Called Saurashtara, because it’s his birthright
To be playing for India.
NEW! Chennai Super Kings Whistle Podu Commercial
The Hotel Manager knocks hard at one of the CSK rooms, no reply. He then sticks his finger hard into the doorbell
Raina and Vijay swing open the door, whistling hard…the manager is shaken, stirred. There is manic whistling, an orgy of happiness, all being filmed – the new CSK commercial.
Manager: Er…I’m sorry to interrupt but…
Vijay: Yes so are we..go your way…go yaway…haha
The manager is pushed away, inside MSD is twitching, Badri is whistling on a bench, Jakati and Ashwin are whistling collectively, Hussey is whistling casually like a gent taking a dog for an evening walk, Kemp is whistling from the ceiling, Hayden tries to whistle but fails, Morkel tries too, when a sign appears - "Injured, cannot whistle", Murali is standing in front of a counter, whistling 800 times
From nowhere, Amitabh Bachchan appears in a long black coat
AB: Ub hogi asli party…Chennai Super Kings vs Whistle Podu
MSD who looks half dead, musters enough strength to stand up, feign a smile, and mutter…
MSD: Chennai Super Kings ka whistle podu..
Aishwarya Rai and Bachchan Jr appear, with Papa AB they start to whistle madly…MSD walks out. Badrinath goes up to him and asks...
Badri: Can I also come...
MSD: No, you come later...
England wants an apology from Butt.
england wants butt to apologise for his “deeply hurting” accusation that their players took a bribe to lose the oval odi...
english players were so badly hurt by the statement that they collapsed from 112 for no loss to 227 all out later at lord's...
when ecb chief executive david collier was confronted with the fact that trott not only called pakistani player wahab riaz a “match fixer” but hit him in the face with a pad... david said...
the incident was “fairly minor in nature”...
he also highlighted the numbers... butt accused the whole english team while trott called only one pakistani player a “match fixer”
david also said "there is protocol in place that says… although players can accuse… sledge… name call each other and occasionally hit them with pads…board chiefs are not supposed to indulge in such activities… besides trott has apologised so butt must apologise too…”
match referee crowe, when asked, why trott was not punished despite having hit riaz's face with a pad claimed match referees are supposed to stay awake ONLY when the match is being played.
Making the Champions League India Ready
The surprise entry of the Banglaore Royal Challengers into the CLT20 semi-finals has stalled some of the BCCI’s earlier plans. With a strong possibility of no IPL team making the semis again, the BCCI was seriously considering fielding six of the ten IPL teams next year – from the winners right down to the fifth and sixth placed teams. It’s learnt there was also talk of playing eight teams, but as one board member stated, “we must be subtle in our intentions, six teams is subtle, nobody will notice”. Now with the possibility of two IPL teams making the semis, there is talk of reducing the number of IPL teams for next years’ CLT20 down to two from three. This is flexible, depending on whether CSK makes the semis tomorrow. There is also talk of somehow accommodating the Mumbai Indians in next years’ semis. As one board member said, “this will help keep the core commentary team in high spirits”. Both Ravi and Sunny concurred.ECB to PCB:
by Kartik Chintamani
As Sunny once said... I was the king of park cricket... But that bloody Lalit Berry always got me with his beamers.
Spearhead DAK (or , SpeeDax) - 1
First post in a series inspired by ZAK who - rightfully as our spearhead - takes it upon himself to walk up from his fielding position for a chat before every delivery to enthuse , energise and encourage whoever happens to be bowling. Our superhero protagonist in this series is Spearhead DAK , or SpeeDax for short.
We come in during a match with bowler AA at the top of his run up preparing to bowl the first ball of his over.
SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.
SD : " Keep it wicket to wicket" - AA nods
X.1 FOUR - straight delivery , no movement , nothing to it - driven straight down the ground
SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.
SD : " Man, go for around off stump line , let's get him to edge " - AA nods
X.2 FOUR - straying outside off - square cut powerfully to the fence
SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.
SD : " Thats alright AA, you're doing fine , he's gonna nick it soon , keep at it " - AA nods
X.3 FOUR - outside off again , comfortable bounce - batsman slashes over slip cordon , another boundary
SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.
SD : " Positive , AA , stay positive ! Shabaash " - AA nods
X.4 DROPPED ! - oh dear , good ball , pitched short , then got big on the batsman who ended up lobbing the ball straight to mid off but SpeeDax there spilled a regulation dolly , oh dear !
SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.
SD : " Easy , easy does it ! Look here , try a slower one , that 'll get the bastard " - AA nods
X.5 SIX ! - slower ball , read from a mile away - batsman goes down the track and lofts it straight over for maximum !
SpeeDax walks up to AA from mid off.
AA (very irritated) : " Oye , now what ?! "
DS (very taken aback) : "Er , nothing , ...nothing. Er , carry on."- AA looks upset
X.6 FOUR - rubbish delivery , attempted yorker converted into a juicy full toss , whipped away past square leg.
End of a disastrous over.
Tour will continue despite Penthouze revelations.
The Night Of the IPL Generals.
After BRC’s defeat to the Redbacks, the 3 IPL captains hurriedly meet for dinner.They are just about to get chatting, when Sachin’s phone rings
Sachin: Hello
Sourav: DADAHERE
Sachin (repeats): He says DADAHERE
MSD: Is it a verified account?
Kumble: Does twitter allow you to make phone calls? I was not aware the technology existed
Sachin (to Sourav): Are you calling from your twitter account?
Sourav: No, DADAHERE…can I join you?
Before we know it, Sourav joins the 3 captains
Sourav: Aaah, nice, 4 Indian skippers here, 3 former, one present…may I join you?
MSD: Areh, after joining you are asking?
Sourav disregards MSD’s comments and pulls a chair for himself…Sachin and Sourav exchange pleasantries, Kumble is irritated, like he is when he bowls one down leg and is hit for a four…
Kumble: Can we start boys..
MSD: Oye, we are not your boys anymore!
(Genuine laughter, Kumble feigns a smile, then his phone rings, it’s Dravid)
Dravid: Are you coming for dinner, I’m at the coffee shop…
Kumble: Eh…
MSD: What is it now, can we start now, this was supposed to be an emergency meeting…
And just then MSD’s phone rings, it’s Raina
Raina: Should I order pineapple raita or mixed raita?
MSD: Eh…pineapple kar de…
Naturally the meeting is adjourned. Sourav and Sachin walk out together, while Kumble and MSD go out talking on their phones.
Ganguly's twitter handle is dadahere
Mr Pakistan for a day
Go Gul, go. You knocked 6, and you knocked England out too. You thank Allah, and at times like this, it just about seems the only thing to do. Here’s to better days for Pak cricket. One day at a time.
For hope and services rendered to Pakistan cricket, and its fans, Umar Gul is the first cricketer to receive the Bored Portrait Award. Here's to the mole that became a mountain.
Pollard to donate sperm to Mumbai Indians
After a barbaric 72 of 30 balls, the Mumbai Indians biggies moved in quickly to sign up future generations of Kieron Pollard. It is learn that Pollard will donate his sperm to spawn future generations of mad hatter hitters. But what if it’s a girl? Mumbai Indians will tackle that by starting a women’s franchise called the Mumbai Pollards. Which is when someone joked, what if it’s a chhakka? The Indians didn't laugh.
The English Dada's Retirement.
Yesterday, Ganguly (@Dadahere) was overactive on twitter. After a few inane tweets aimed at Dada, I checked out his twitter profile.
Dada’s profile said ‘Sourav Ganguly retired Indian Cricketer.’ Now I’ve known that Sourav’s been long retired, but seeing the word retired under his name, did make me feel a warped sense of nostalgic loss.
And now Flintoff’s gone and pulled off a Dada, and some more; he’s retired from all forms of cricket. It’s not as if we didn’t know that Freddie wasn’t going to play any more cricket, it was just left unsaid in print.
Deal with @Dadahere and Freddie there, they’re way beyond their average numbers. We can fight them with numbers, but it’s no good. If they didn’t make any runs, or take any wickets it didn’t matter – what mattered was the hope we put in these guys, we urged them, and secretly always knew they could do so much more.
Every bad run was just that. Comebacks were invented for them. Cricket was created to serve them. So when Freddie retires from all forms, you naturally feel bad.
There are those that will laugh at his injury ridden career. I’ve done that, but not today. Today I salute the great big English boy who made bowling through the pain-barrier a fucking art form. All that was missing was a bleeding big toe through the front shoe tear.
Keep Talking Bhajji, Not Like You're Doing Much Else
Don't you just love cricinfo's Quote Unquote section? Of late they've been filled with yet another outspoken surd's words of wisdom, who seems to be following in the footsteps of fellow loud mouths Bishen Singh Bedi and Navjot Singh Sidhu, with probably half their talent, at both cricket & yakking, at best.
Take this classy quote on September 5th:
I will slap any bookie who will come near me, big time.Please also take some wickets, BIG TIME!
Followed up a mere two days later with:
I will cut off those fingers(to any fingers that are pointed to his recent form). Sure, one would suspect you have scared most umpires with this quote, they don't seem to raise their index fingers anymore when you bowl... oh except when they have the courage to raise both hands... which is pretty often.
Followed up with:
I don't know, but the way he was batting right-handed, it did not look as if he was right-handed.Hahaha, you've got me in splits turdinator. By the way when you throw the ball, it doesn't look like you are bowling right-handed either. So lets see the big mouth's record in recent times:
Champions League: 6.3 overs, no wickets and 53 runs conceded.
Initially an attacking spinner, Plaha has degenerated into an alleged "restrictive" bowler. I suppose conceding 8.15 rpo is something to brag about, maybe you can say that is a whole effing run less than the rest of the team, except the captain has so little faith in you that he doesn't even bowl you out nowadays. And when he gives you the chance, the opposition wins before you can finish the over.
Ok T20s are one thing, what about the darter's performances in tests? Over the last year, India's so-called leading bowler has these outstanding figures:
| Mat | Inns | Overs | Mdns | Runs | Wkts | BBI | BBM | Ave | Econ | SR | 5 | 10 |
| 8 | 14 | 409.3 | 63 | 1249 | 27 | 5/59 | 8/123 | 46.25 | 3.05 | 91 | 1 | 0 |
Wah! Take out the figures against South Africa, whose batsmen "were not in India on holiday", on a tailor-made-just-for-him Kolkata pitch and watch that pathetic average balloon to just under 60 (59.26) and already miserable strike rate shoot up to 106 balls (17.4 overs) per dismissal. Lets all stand and clap for Test Cricket's current leading wicket taker and his record, "which speaks for itself."
You just keep yapping Bhajji, don't worry about all that talk about empty vessels. But remember it will take your actions to be truly deafening before they will speak louder than your words.
If I had purchased Pollard for the Delhi Daredevils.
Pad up Pollard, you are going to open the batting.
Pollard OUT! No problem. Batsman will feign injury, Pollard with his giant strides will be the runner.
Batsman feigning injury OUT! No problem, Pollard will be the change in gloves-man, the drinks’ boy, the messenger, the message, the conversationalist in the dugout.
During breaks, Pollard will go on an autograph signing spree, shake hands, shake his booty.
Change of innings
Pollard will speak animatedly to his mates in the huddle.
Right arm over, Pollard will open the bowling. He will bowl his full quota of overs unchanged.
He will converse with the captain, if he is captain, he will converse with himself.
These conversations will be telecast. Shastri will intervene, with “Make no mistake, that is Pollard & Pollard”
Pollard & Pollard, the all-round product will be released – it will belong to Delhi Daredevils. It will also be an accounting firm.
After the game, Pollard will be part of the big, fat Indian prize giving committee – he will stand in the centre. On occasions when he has to receive the prize, it will serve as yet another Pollard & Pollard plug. He will gift himself the gift cheque.
Any bikes, cars, tractors gifted, will be steered by Pollard. It will be announced that when Pollard drives he doesn’t reverse – because Pollard doesn’t belive in a backword step.
I will make Pollard do all this and more. Why? Probably because I don’t belong to the Mumbai Indians Underutilization of Utilities Department C/O some careless conservative thinkers. Oh, that’s a contradiction, but then so is MI.
Also read: Mumbai Indians in a fix
Batting School (2)
For Batting School (1), go here
The Heisenberg School for Uncertain Batting - When students of this school go out to bat, their captain, coach, mates - absolutely no one knows what they are going to do. In fact, most times, even they don't know what they are going to do. Often it appears they are batting in the context of some other game altogether. Harbhajan Singh is the greatest product of this school. Shahid Afridi was expelled from this school when the management realized that his batting was getting way too predictable to maintain the high standards of uncertainty achieved by students of this school. This school has campuses only in the subcontinent.
The WW2 Veterans School for Batting - These batsmen bat not on their captains’ orders but on Winston Churchill's orders. They perform best under severe pressure, as if in combat and when their mates are being decimated. These batsmen typically instill spine in their team's tail-enders, inspiring them to bat longer. Steve Waugh and V.V.S. Laxman graduated from this school.
The Sir Donald Bradman School for Advanced Batting Studies – Ever since this institution was setup by Sir Don, there has been only one graduate from this school. There is a strong view in India that Sachin belongs to this school, while zealous followers even claim Sachin started the school, while still others feel that Sir Don belongs to the Sachin school.
To be Continued....
Pranav thought he'd play for India. An honest self evaluation of his cricketing talents made him realize that he would do well if he made the playing 11 of his college team for 2 consecutive games.
Pranav also blogs at http://www.clearaswater.blogspot.com/
Pranav also blogs at http://www.clearaswater.blogspot.com/
Batting School!
No, not betting school but batting school. Ever wondered why different batsmen approach the game somewhat differently ? It's simply because there' a difference in the schooling of these batsmen. Bored brings you a list of the top Batting Schools around the world.
The M.K. Gandhi School of Batting - These batsmen do not bat. They offer Satyagraha - a form of nonviolent resistance. Batsmen graduating from this school believe their bat is a destructive weapon and therefore use it as little as possible. That is not to say they don’t spend many hours at the crease. On the contrary, a batting Satyagrahi spends, on an average, 3.24 more hours at the crease than any other batsman in the team. The career of these batsmen is not measured in terms of runs scored but in terms of number of balls left outside the off stump. When a fast bowler (to the satyagrahi, the oppressor) runs in hard every over only to see his deliveries left alone it causes him severe exhaustion and frustration. This tactic is the chief weapon of the satyagrahi. The fielders are rendered useless due to sheer brain inactivity. Famous alumni from this school include Sanjay Manjrekar, Sunil Gavaskar, Ravi Shastri & Marvan Atapattu.
The Adolf Hitler School of Batting Studies - Batsmen graduating from this school attack at the crease, attack on the field, attack at press conferences and attack at the bar. When captainng their sides, they could attack during the toss too. They come out to bat as if someone has questioned their manhood. When these batsmen are unleashed on a particularly batsman friendly pitch, folks at Amnesty International work overtime. Prominent alumni include Viv Richards, Adam Gilchrist, Tilekaratne Dilshan, Andrew Symonds and Shahid Afridi.
The KLPD School for Batsmen - "Flatter to Deceive" is the motto of this school. Batsmen from this school typically score a century or two quickly to "cement" their place in the side and then remain in the side for as long as 2-3 revolutions of the sun. Mohd. Ashraful is the brand ambassador of this school whereas Rohit Sharma, Virat Kohli are the Indian graduates. The terms "beautiful 30" and "failing to convert the 30s into 50s and the 70s into 100s" are commonly used for these batsmen.
To be Continued....
Pranav thought he'd play for India. An honest self evaluation of his cricketing talents made him realize that he would do well if he made the playing 11 of his college team for 2 consecutive games.
Pranav also blogs at http://www.clearaswater.blogspot.com/
Pranav also blogs at http://www.clearaswater.blogspot.com/
Dr. Mallya’s Team Building Exercise – At the BRC Camp
At the hottest nightclub in town, Mallya addresses his boys, as his sycophants look on mesmerized. His son Sid Mallya and friend Deepika Padukone stand by him either side.
Mallya: Tonight’s game will not be played in the bedroom..(waits for laughter, the coterie obliges as they roll over with laughter) it will be played on a cricket field..let’s drink to that!
The coterie raises their glasses, drinks bottoms up. Kumble and Dravid raise their mugs (concealing the hot choco and sip determinedly)
Mallya (continuing): Tonight we play Guyana…and we’re gonna beat them…(applause) and to make sure we beat the pants off them…I wanna make sure you boys are inspired…yeah, Uthappa…you hear me dude?
Uthappa obliges with his customary bow
Mallya: So here’s the deal…the Man of the Match…and like hell he’s gonna be from The Bangalore Royal Challengers will have a dinner date with the lovely Miss Deepika Padukone
The coterie gasps…Kumble and Dravid smile at each other..Uthappa dabs himself with cologne..Taylor practices his cross batted heaves…and Kallis runs his hand through his non-existent hair
Sid Mallya (pleading): Daddy…
Mallya: Don’t Daddy me…
Sid Mallya: Make it a dinner with the lovely Deepika and Sid Malaya…
Mallya (ignoring his son): OK boys, in front of each of you there’s a bottle…and in it…there’s a message..haha that’s why it’s called…
Coterie (chorus): Message in a bottle
Mallya: Yah, that’s right…your roles have been clearly defined…but to get to the message..you gotta empty the contents first…
In front of each player is a miniature RC bottle, and each player takes a shot. In front of Dravid and Kumble however, there’s a miniature Kingfisher soda bottle. Everyone has a shot, and proceeds to read the message.
Mallya: OK, any questions…
Deepika: Do I do my item number now?
Mallya: Yeah, Sid you and Uthappa will join her…
Sid Mallya: Daddy…
Item number starts as Mallya sits on his throne like a B grade Bollywood villain sipping his whiskey, as his chelas swoon around him.
Kumble: Dr Mallya, excuse me, but Rahul and I need to turn in for the night..
Mallya: OK Anil, but I gotta tell you, this Rahul is a very bad influence on you…
The coterie goes nuts laughing, the two players exit. And Deepika dances a badminton dance, while Sid and Uthappa act like the shuttlecocks being hit around by her.
A Happy Ending For Jammy & Jumbo!
Dravid enters a dark hotel room on one of the higher floors. Kumble sits on a lone chair overlooking the bright lights of the city. He is unusually twitchy as he plays with the table lamp switch: on, off, on, off...
Dravid: Am I disturbing?
Kumble: No, but I am disturbed
Dravid: Anything I can tell you…
Kumble: You can’t handle your own demons, what will you…sorry
Dravid: You sound bitter…
Kumble: I am…that dumbass CLT20 ad they made me do…the Hindi they made me speak..
Dravid: Oh…read a book, it always works for me..
Kumble: Next you’ll say read Premchand…drop the…
Dravid: OK, don’t worry da…you remember what they used to say about you first..
Kumble: Yeah, that I’m not a natural spinner…I can’t spin the ball…that sh**.. excuse my language, not myself today…
Dravid: F*** it da, sorry…didn’t mean to swear…what I meant was…
Kumble: I get it! Even if they say I’m not a natural Hindi spinner…I will go on to do 619 Hindi ads…Hahaha I like that
Dravid: Haha I like that too
Kumble: Thanks Da.. Jammy
Dravid: Don’t mention it Da…Jumbo…
Kishore Kumar’s Hip Hip Ho Ho Hurra plays, as a silhouetted Jammy and Jumbo dance, very much out of character, in the dark room. A moon beam follows them.
Not again...yes again!
Latest: CSK's big win has left the board officials exploring Plan B - a tri-series with Bangladesh, Sri Lanka and India in South Africa wherein the CSK players (esp MSD, Raina) play when available.
Mumbai Indians Camp - The Night Before
Bhajji gathers Sachin’s flock in his hotel room. It’s a small room, and MI is a big team, what with the support staff, Reliance flunkeys, the room is, as Ravi says walking past..."packed to the rafters"
Bhajji: OK guys, you know after Sachin Paaji, I’m the Boss here.
Whispers around, where one such whisper whispers –
Whisper: Haan, how else he would’ve hugged Ambani Mam…
Bhajji: Oye, kisko hugna hai…was that you, chal, yahaan baith..
(hugna means to take a crap, and Bhajji has identified the whisper boy and made him sit on the commode, it’s Rayudu)
Bhajji: Anyway, Rayudu you g**du your career is also down the toilet…haha
Silence in the room which is when Yuvi barges in laughing..
Yuvi: Oye! Hahaha good one Bhajji!
They do an impromptu Bhangra gig, nobody stirs in the room
Bhajji (to Yuvi): What you're doing here yaar?
Yuvi: Fashion show yaar
Bhajji continues with his speech…
Bhajji: OK guys, now we gotta settle it – before match..you all youngsters…if you speak to press…you gotta say one thing…Thank You Sachin! It’s great to be playing with such a great player..and how Sachin has guided you…in the middle..helped with your best innings
MI Player: Bhajji sir, I’ve not done…batted…with er…Sachin sir..in middle
Bhajji: Haan, good point, in that case, who you all…have not batted..you all say..Sachin guided you in the nets…and now you are ready for the middle..
Everyone claps, Bhajji is pleased. He excused Rayudu from the loo
Bhajji: Oye kaka, get up, I need to take the piss…
Laughter
Bhajji (continues all serious again): And after game, if we win then you say same thing, OK? And if we lose, and Sachin Paaji scores less..you say whoever you are..who takes runs or scores wickets…you say yeah, if Sachin had batted longer we would’ve won the match… And if Sachin scores then you say, we should have done car rally…no, rallied around Sachin more and we would have won…
Ambani Mam walks into the room, hushed silence – she is beaming as always, but it’s hard to tell if she’s happy or not.
Bhajji: Hello Nita Mam, I was telling what you were telling to me..about Sachin and Thank You Sachin..
Ambani Mam: Very good, very good…Best of luck
She hugs Bhajji, who is overcome, sheds a tear
Boys: Thank you MAM! Thank you MAM!
Bhajji: and yeah, if you have a facebook account, then you go join this cool group called Thank You Sachin!
After Lalit Modi, what have the post match parties come to
It’s a massive dormitory, bunkers strewn all over the place. The players enter in single file, wearing team coloured pajamas, holding on to a pillow each.
There are also some Indian industrialists in their kurta pajamas, dressing gowns, boxers, looking on as they sip on their hot beverages.
An obscure nursery rhyme in Afrikaans starts to play as the players start to wrestle it out with their pillows.
MSD: This is clean fun!
As he says this, he gets whacked by Parthiv Patel
Parthiv: Better watch out, skipper
MSD: Oh, I was on my Aircel
Cut to Sachin making an appearance in his MI blue coloured PJs
Sachin: Parties like this even I can attend
Bhajji: Paaji, if you attend then it will be a great party
Rhodes: Great, we can all have a field day
Kumble walks in with Dravid, both are wearing RC PJs
Kumble: Very smooth, no hangover
Dravid: Yeah, I can easily have another one
Pandey: And age no bar, party bar bar
Mallaya rolls in on a barrel of beer, but promptly stops
Mallya: Oh sorry, wrong party – even I know when to stop without Modi's bad influence
Mallya Jr: Sports and partying go together, if it’s a clean party!
Padukone: You mean it’s safe for me to be here
Suddenly a motley crew of cricketers appear, singing in chorus
Chorus: It’s safe for you! It is!
Announcer (Bhogle): This After Match CLT Party was brought to you by Nescafe and Surf. Because the competition is clean....and it's hotting up.
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Player Profile: Sourav Ganguly
Dada hated running between the wickets especially when his partner at the crease was Kaif or Yuvraj. That is why he liked batting alongside V.V.S. Laxman and secretly hoped that Inzamam was an Indian. This was good for India because Dada belted a lotta boundaries, especially on the off side.
Dada once went an entire English summer without shaving his chest and
when he thought the time was right he proudly displayed it on the Lord's
balcony. He introduced a number of new traditions to the job of the captain like continually arriving late for the toss.
He also led India to the World Cup finals for the first time in 20
years leading by example with the bat and successfully hiding himself
when on the field.
Dada has tremendous support in his home state of West Bengal which
used to light up like a torch any time any one suggested dropping him
from the team. On lazy afternoons in Kolkata, Dada fans are known to
walk with thumbed up noses in the general direction of Bangalore and
sometimes even Australia.
Pranav thought he'd play for India. An honest self evaluation of his cricketing talents made him realize that he would do well if he made the playing 11 of his college team for 2 consecutive games.
Pranav also blogs at www.clearaswater.blogspot.com
Pranav also blogs at www.clearaswater.blogspot.com
Mohd. Asif's Ex Confesses:
"The last straw was after he fixed the dog, he wanted to fix me."
Imran: inarticulate speech of the heart
Er .. in my career .., or should I say era .. I was never approached by fixers or sixers ... I was only approached by mixers .. women who liked to mix and mingle .. it doesn't matter that now I'm single .. I'm shocked that Salman Butt is not single .. but surrounded by Asif and Aamer and Majeed .. indeed Pakistan cricket is in trouble .. well when I played I was Pakistan cricket and Pakistan cricket was me .. that's changed .. just like Jemima .. Jemima put me in the spot as well .. pity I couldn't fix it
by Mohit Varma
For the entire Imran series, go here
Meet Mr. Popular in the Pak camp.
The Pak team can’t wait to get their hands on Yasir Hameed. He even stayed on a few days after the last test to talk about them. But because of all the air time, Yasir just can’t get to be with his mates.
Yasir has over the last 7 years played 25 tests. Can you imagine, how little he sees of his mates – they’re on tour, he's sitting knitting at home. The last time he played a one-dayer was 3 years ago.
But he’s good on TV. Fluent in English, Urdu and Ferrari. It’s either that, or those blasphemous blokes at NOTW (News of the world) edited the life out of him. They put a body double (now he knows what those Bollywood babes must feel). Small mercies, they left his clothes on – can you imagine a naked Yasir Hameed stripping his mates.
A thought, Yasir Hameed should start his own helpline. In the coming days, he’ll need to do a lotta talking to himself.
(This video has been aired on every news channel in India. As you don't follow the news, and follow BCC! instead, here it is for you)
Now ECB blames BCCI over twittergate
It boils down to BCCI conspiring to make KP available for the Champions League (CLT20). And the only way KP could've been available for the League was if he was free of international commitments.
A seething ECB after the exposé have not only blasted the BCCI, but have also lodged a formal complaint with the ICC for the suspension of the CLT20.
According to our sources, the ICC will seriously consider making an example out of this incident.
An internal inquiry into the matter suggests that there has been an upsurge in such 'accidental' f*ck tweets, in the hope the cricket boards drop the players from the national squads paving the way for more lucrative leagues like the CLT20 and IPL where they can earn more for far lesser efforts.
India, Sri Lanka look to bail out Pak cricket.
In a midweek development, BCCI and Sri Lankan Cricket bosses proposed yet another one-day series between the two teams to divert attention from Pakistan cricket’s latest misdemeanors.
In a move to involve Pakistani cricketers, the Sri Lankan team could field a few frontline Pak players. Already Mohammad Asif, Salman Butt and Mohammad Aamer have announced availability. It's not certain if they will play.
Asif claimed he could shift to the Emirates.
technically speaking...
according to this report on cricinfo... rick parry, the chairman of uk commission, set up for gambling-related corruption believes there is not enough evidence against mazhar majeed, this was further proved by majeed being granted swift bail...
rick parry observes...
"I don't think [the case] has any evidence at all," said Parry. "Unless the News of the World placed a bet - which would be highly unlikely because in so doing they would have carried out a criminal act - then there doesn't appear to be any betting activity at all associated with these particular allegations. It places the ball, to pardon the pun, squarely back into the hands of the cricket authorities."
NOTW cannot be charged as they did not place the bet... their lawyers would have taken care of that prior to the sting...
by the same token as the bet was not placed... this weakens the charges against majeed to the extent that it can't be proved in court...
so correct me if i am wrong...
as no bet was placed... what have asif, aamir and butt been suspended for...? for bowling no balls...?
since when has bowling a no-ball attracted suspension...?
Spot the difference
Supreme Court Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry took suo moto notice of the incident after TV news channels beamed shocking footage of the youths Hafiz Mughees, 21, and his brother Hafiz Muneeb, 16 being beaten to death by a group of men armed with sticks and rods.
Sialkot district police chief Waqar Chauhan, eight other policemen and hundreds of people watched the lynching.
The video aired by news channels showed that the youths were hit repeatedly by some men.
The mob later hung the bodies of the brothers upside down in a square.
According to a First Information Report filed by police, the brothers were going to meet their relatives in Buttar village when some people caught them and accused them of being robbers.
In a brazen display of mob justice, they tortured the brothers, killed them and then hung their bodies and tried to burn them.
The family of the youths has demanded justice and stern legal action against police officials who failed to rescue the brothers.
The family said the youths were killed in the wake of a dispute over a cricket match they played some time ago.
The Deputy Commissioner of Sialkot said a charged mob killed the two brothers for injuring four people in a dispute over a cricket match.
Chief Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry ordered Anti- Corruption Director General Justice (retired) Kazim Malik to investigate the matter.
"No one will dare to take the law into his own hands if police had the courage and command to eradicate such brutal and inhuman practices from society," Chaudhry said while heading a bench that heard the suo moto case yesterday.
The atmosphere in the apex court became tense when the gruesome video of the killing of the brothers was shown in the courtroom.
When district police chief Chauhan informed the court that Station House Officer Rana Mohammed Ilyas had been arrested but the killers were yet to be detained, the Chief Justice said Chauhan deserved to be suspended and sent to jail.
--
Substitute Aamer, Butt and Asif for the two boys, the media and the court of public opinion for the mob, the ACSU for the police and pretty much what happened to the boys is what is happening to the reputation and lives of the accused trio.
So the next time someone is a hapless victim of mob violence, dont grieve. And someone is lynched in public, don't express shock and horror.Because when civil society abdicates its responsibility and chooses anarchy over due process as the expedient solution, this is the only outcome possible.
PS: - This link, for your perusal
Why is Asif out of the series
The Return of Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai!
Shahid Bhai has barely disembarked from the plane when Kakmal pounces on to him, licking him from head to toe
Kakmal: Shahid Bhai, Shahid Bhai, whys did you leaves me this way, I can’t survive without your tender kiss
The rest of the hapless bunch jump up and shout in chorus
Chorus: So don’t leave me this way!!
Thought blurb appears over Shahid Bhai’s head
Shahid Bhai (thinking) Glad I retired from test cricket...
KAkmal is now carrying Shahid Bhai’s cricket kit on his head, like a coolie, his brother UAkmal holds on to the baggage
Ukmal: Shahid Bhai, you have a lotta baggage?!
Waqar and some of the Poms around crack up
Pom: Yeah, you can say that again…
Waqar (crying with laughter): Ukmal, hey, what’re you saying, you don’t say, baggage can mean so many things in so many different parts of the world
Shahid Bhai now in the team bus, Kakmal behind the wheel, and Ukmal has donned the conductor’s uniform
Shahid Bhai strikes his pose, stretches arms but then decides against it…he sits with Waqar
Shahid Bhai: We must ignore the shit and talk only about toilet paper
Everyone in the bus nods; Kakmal nods too, but as he still has Shahid Bhai’s kit on his head (even while driving) he drops the kit bang on to the windscreen, this obscures his vision completely, he loses control of the bus, the bus crashes into a wall
Kakmal is hysterical as he runs out to see the ruinous bus that has crashed into the outside wall of Lord’s
Kakmal: Bah! Bah! Waaah! Now who will fix it, who will fix it…
A 35 year old man of South Asian origin appears…
Man: Hi, I’m Mazhar, I can fix the bus for hundred and fifty thousand pounds…and to show you that, I will crash it again, at 3.03 pm, and then again at 10.06 pm…there will be two bowl...drivers that will crash the bus...the drivers on the morning shift...yeah, I can call them up...if you want...yeah, 3.03 pm...yeah, right, he Aam will drive at 3.03...yeah..
Shahid Bhai: Looks like shit, bring rolls of toilet paper...
And suddenly, everyone started to chant: Shite Bhai! Shite Bhai!
Shite Bhai strikes a brilliant pose, arms heavenwards, it was obvious he was back, ready to take the piss.
Guess what advise Azhar gave the fixers
My Two Cents
I don't give a jot about Pakistan Cricket. Never have, never will. And there are plenty of reasons not to warm up to the shenanigans of the PCB, especially under Ijaz Butt.
That said, I do care deeply about due process. And right now, 4 Pakistanis, and their national team,are being destroyed by innuendo, rumor and trial by media.
And that is absolutely not fair.
A charge has been made, the onus is now with the people making that charge to prove it. If proven, mete out the maximum punishments possible on the accused because failure to do so with give root to more innuendo, rumor and trial by media.
If the charges are not proven, I would implore the ICC to take the lead in whatever legal action necessary to right the wrongs.
And while we are at it, spare a thought for the accused. Irrespective of the outcome of the process, the four main accused are going to spend the rest of their lives living under the shadow of innuendo. The next time Aamer bowls a no ball, however marginal,what are the odds that it will be accepted as such?
And therein lies the real shame of this sorry state of affairs.
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