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RDX: 200 catches can wait, we’re still in 50 hundreds’ heaven
Sorry, the headline was a slip. Playing with the young lot, I’ve learnt to lighten up a bit. I even read Ishant’s comics sometimes, but only on the condition that he reads the prologue of my book. Once when I made him do that, Sachin laughed, “forget prologue, he only knows Hum Log”. That was ironical, because I don’t think Ishant has ever watched Hum Log (we people) That was a different time.
But that’s what slip catching is all about – Hum Log! There is the ball, the bowler, the batsman who edges it, the umpire who has to raise his finger, and lastly, yours truly, the slip fielder.
Bhajji asked me, how does it feel to take 200 catches – “Better than Catch 22” I replied. He nodded, and in all seriousness asked me, “what was Catch 22 like, did you drop it?” We all laughed, that’s the thing about Bhajji, he will always take the joke to the next level, even if he doesn’t get it.
There was a joke in the dressing room that Australia will now want Mark Waugh who has 181 catches to return so he can challenge my 200 catches.
MSD insisted that I should keep wickets now, so he can concentrate on the captaincy.
As a slip catcher you must have big hands and little feet. Knowing ballet is an added advantage.
Today’s catch was special, not because it was the 200th, but I finally felt I had done something in this test match. Later when I saw the replays, I was zapped how I hugged Bhajji. Bhajji said to me, “you are now a Punjabi, showing your emotions”.
To which I replied, “Teri…” There was a stunned silence, and then a drunken roar of laughter.
Somehow I can’t sleep tonight. Think I’ll catch sheep.
by RDX
This is the seventh in a series of posts by RDX, exclusively for Bored Cricket Crazy Indians.
Ponting: This is not my swan song
This is not my swan song
This is not my gone song
This is not my last hurrah
You’re either in or you’re out
You’re either playing or you are not
How hard can it be – to give it all you got
When all you got is…
I took somebody’s place
Somebody with more runs than me
Somebody will take my place
Somebody with less runs than me
It’s always the same
Nobody’s getting younger
It’s always the same
Somebody’s gotta cop the blame
Why don’t I speak to Steven Waugh?
And ask him what a scrap is?
Why don’t I speak to Shivnarine Chanderpaul?
And ask him what to bat like crap is?
We were the brightest stars
Playing like children play, with their dinky cars
Now we are nowhere half as cute
So we’re told, you can either fly away
Or take a chute
Take a chute, take a chute
But
This is not my swan song
This is not my gone song
This is not my last hurrah.
And I
Think I know what a scrap is
Think I know what to bat like crap is.
Think I know.
I think I know.
Bill Lawry: GAAAWN!
Who is Murali Vijay’s replacement?
It’s been that kind of year for Gambhir. If he was a chef, he would’ve cooked the kitchen. If he was a bowler, you would've called him Zaheer.
It’s the hand this time, swollen. Good for Gambhir, he travels with a ready replacement.
On hectic night outs, when Gambhir walks out on his dancing partner, for a quiet chat with Jatman, Vijay has to step up for a twirl.
Even though they look somewhat unlike each other, Vijay is the closest to a body double. He fills in, then vacates, fills in, vacates. It seems like much longer, but so far Vijay has filled in for 8 tests, usually on doctor-on-call short notice.
Just over 2 years since his debut, 8 tests, 12 innings, 1 hundred, 2 fifties, average of 42, but nowhere enough bark or bite to threaten anyone’s spot. Also he hasn’t played a test outside the sub continent (of his 8 tests, he’s played 2 in Colombo, 1 in Dhaka and 5 in India).
There’s not much to go by Vijay’s one-day career, made his debut earlier this year, and if anything it’s been the reverse of Raina’s rambling test start.
There, see, I’ve not only mixed one-dayers and tests, but Raina and Vijay. If anything, Vijay’s one-day numbers could prove to be his test undoing – isn’t that how it works here? A highest of 33, average of 22, strike rate of 65, 8 games yes, but looks like, he’s already lost his World Cup spot.
Last test, a little over a month ago, scored a 139 against Australia. Followed that with some inhibited 30s in the one-dayers, lost his spot, and now, Durban. Can he earn his stripes?
If not, who is Vijay’s replacement? I’m thinking Virat Kohli, what were you thinking? Another damn Delhiwallah?
At Salman Butt’s Ice Cream Parlour
In the finest tradition of the no-balls there is an ice cream that isn’t an ice cream – want a scoop, just ask for “no scoop”. Want a double scoop, simple, say no, no scoop. You will get two cones or cups, but no scoops.
Asif’s flavours – Fix your own sundae, Opium of the masses (Vanilla), Coke Shoke, Droopy eyed decadence. All available in no scoop and customs.
Aamer’s flavours– Innocent Eye Candy, Glider Godiva, I don’t know what I did last summer (all-in-one), and on popular demand, Swinging Strawberry, and the acquired taste of Swings more ways than one (Shakes). All available in no scoop.
Mazhar Majeed's flavours– Things that make you go MM, I have 3 players (triple sundae), I have more players (ice cream buffet). All available in no scoop. For MM’s offerings, you are filmed on a sofa.
News of the world's flavours – In bad taste (vomit flavor), Hidden pleasures (surprise flavours), NOTW Darling (sleazy adult offering). All available in no scoop.
Salman Butt's flavours – English speaking (talking ice cream), Salman Pink Fishy Strawberry, ‘X’ Captain’s unknown flavours. All available in no scoop
Ijaz Butt's flavours – Mischief Mango, Senile Strawberry, Leech Lychee. All available in no scoop
Kamran Akmal's flavours – Whatever falls on the floor.
Shahid Bhai's Flavours - Uncertain availabilty
MoYo's flavours: Discontinued after traces of facial hair were found.
Sachin Tendulkar on his 49th and 50th test hundreds
“It’s just another number for me”. That’s what you’ve heard Sachin say. What you haven’t is this –“my 49th hundred was very special, it was not just another number…I still remember, it was 9th October in Bangalore, we were playing Australia and we beat them but here we could lose to South Africa and in two months time I’d like to forget all about this hundred and the bad memories attached to it…it’s just another number for me” Sachin added again. "But the 49th was the reason I interacted with a lotta weirdos who kept asking me about the 50th (which I kept telling them, was just another number) – anyway, most of these weirdos knew nothing about cricket, they were being paid to ask me about my 50th – so I would ask them what do you think of my 49th hundred…and one guy actually said, oh that one, wasn’t that the first double hundred in a one-day game? Of course talking about the 49th hundred, which incidentally, was a double hundred, made me write to the ICC to reconsider double hundreds as two hundreds – that way I could have been at 50 hundreds already (which is just another number for me)..."
How Does Sachin Tendulkar Do It?
Gary Kirsten is quietly planning strategy on his laptop when there is frantic knocking on his door and the occasional yowl. Gary rushes to the door and opens it, Bhajji almost falls inside.
Bhajji: Garyji, Garyji come quick, hurry. Sachin is acting very strangely.
Gary: Why, what has happened? What is he doing?
B: He is just sitting very quietly, Garyji. Ignoring everybody and just staring at the floor. He seems very angry Garyji, when I asked him if he saw my doosra in the bar he just shouted "F*** OFF" to me, like I was Glenn McGrath. And you know how he never speaks to me like that Garyji, we are close, no...
G: (worried) Come, lets see what we can do about this. Not good, not good, in the middle of a test...
Gary and Bhajji rush to Sachin's room, where the rest of the team have crowded outside, though making sure Sachin can't see them. Gary frowns at them, then decides to ignore them and goes inside. Sachin is sitting on the side of the bed, staring into the distance with the utmost focus. He does not even acknowledge Gary's presence, forget greet him. Gary sits down beside him.
G: Hey Sachin, whats up? Everything ok?
(no answer)
G: You can talk to me Sachin. I know its been a hard day, and its the first time in a long time since you've bowled so many overs, but the game is still alive, we've got a shot and the series has only just begun. Its just day two... You've been through worse, surely...
(still no answer... Sachin hasn't even shifted his gaze from the same spot on the floor five feet away)
G: Its our first match Sach... We didn't play any warm-ups, ZaK is injured... but we'll fight back Sachin, like we always do... cmon, the guys look up to you...
(Sachin doesn't give even the slightest indication that he's heard a word Gary's spoken)
G: Its not good Sachin, not now, in the middle of the test... do it for the team, just put on a brave face and act tough like you always do, even if you don't want to talk about it me or anyone else... Please Sachin... I'll leave you for now, but please just promise me you'll sleep it over and come refreshed to the bus tomorrow, okay?
(Still no reaction... Gary shakes his head, and begins to get up when...)
Sachin Tendulkar: (softly, still staring at the same spot) Do you know Gary, there is only one team I have not scored runs against...
G: (shocked, but recovers quickly, knows he has to say something) No Sachin, you know thats not true, just at the start of the year you scored a double century in ODIs against this very attac...
S: (thoughtfully but still staring at the same spot) No not South Africa Gary.... India.. Its India, I've never scored any runs against India...
G: Haha, Sachin, you got me. Wait... You're not serious are you... Cmon...
S: (still softly) You know Gary, I have played for 21 years. I have scored 32,000 runs. I have scored 95 centuries. During all this time I have watched completely SH*T batsmen like Alastair Cook and Younis Khan and Ijaz Ahmed and Roshan Mahanama and so many others score a bulk of their runs against our SH*T bowlers. (a little louder) And me, if I had batted against these SH*T bowlers I could have scored maybe 100,000 runs, 300 centuries, but no... I have to bat really well every time to cover up for their inadequacies, for our stupid selectors...
Gary is about to interrupt but better sense prevails and he decides to just keep quiet. Outside the room there are a few murmurs with Bhajji insisting everyone shut up and allow Sachin to get it all out of his system. In preparation for that moment he has been looking forward to for the last few years, Sreesanth clenches and unclenches his fist, pumping blood into his hand.
S: And it is not just now or today. Since my debut this bullsh*t has been happening. (now almost yelling) WTF is this sh*t Gary? Salil Ankola, Debashish Mohanty, Harvinder Singh, Dodda Ganesh, Abey Kuruvilla, Tinu Yohannan, Rajesh Chauhan, Nikhil Chopra, Sunil Joshi, Aashish Kapoor... (almost hysterical) and they were just the bakras, they lasted one or two matches and gave us so much pain. What about medium slow Venkatesh Prasad against Sri Lanka, Robbing fucking Singh and that Bhajji BASTARD... for four years he has been throwing sh*t and talking even more... You know what it feels like Gary... to sit with all of these amateurs... watch the whole world laugh at them match after match, series after series... and realize that your record could have been so much better if you could have batted against them... you know, Gary?
Gary is stunned. He keeps quiet and looks at the same spot on the floor, worried Sachin might make eye contact at any moment. Outside, a fuming Bhajji turns on Sachin and speaks out loud "What is he talking? We all know who has world record for getting out to new bowlers, like Nagamootoo. He would have given our Indian bowlers good bowling record. Jai Hind!" at which Dhoni shushes him and elbows him hard in the ribs, knocking the wind out of him. Sreesanth, who has waited for just such a moment, leans forward screaming, like a Samurai lunging from a tree, and lands a full blooded slap across the winded and defenseless Bhajji's cheek, shouting "Don't speak about Sachin that way you... you... mfp fah"
Back inside, Sachin continues...
S: And I always have to put on this brave face, speak proudly of them, for their sake and the nations sake. Right now I bet they are all outside listening, but I don't care Gary. It is ridiculous. I would have scored my 75th century by now, even have a triple against India in ODIs and 200 in a T20 vs India. It is madness. How much longer must I endure this... Balaji... Gony... Joginder... Kulkarni... Chawla... Mishra... Agarkar... F*** Agarkar... David Johnson...
Gary gets up quietly and sneaks out of the room... he takes one final peek and sees Sachin's eyes transfixed on the same spot, reciting all the names of bowlers he has played alongside and watched torn apart in the field by batsmen... He goes out to the team and says "Just leave him alone guys. Whatever you do, don't thank him now, just give him his space... there is only so much a person can take... Harbhajan, whats happened to your face... and Sree, why are you crying? Don't take what Sachin said seriously... he's just a little upset and everybody has to let it all out at some point, nothing personal..."
Hearing The Sound Of Music in SAF
- by Keith Ribeiro & Bhaskar Khaund
Suresh Raina has been given a special award by ICC for inventing a new mode of dismissal.
It's called FOUND OUT.
On Awards night , he sings a song from The Sound Of Music (as he heard a lot of it on the pitch)
Morne & Steyn , Morne & Steyn
Every delivery you greet me
Bounce and pace
Have smashed my face
You look happy to greet me
Blossom of red
You have wrecked my head
Oh how i need
A flat track bed
(At this point , Kirsten joins in :)
Morne & Steyn , Morne & Steyn
Bless my homeland forever
The Night Before the first InSaf test,
Outside Zaks room, some of his mates sing a parody of the Complan tune
Chrous: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin boy…”
Zaks not amused, snaps at them
Zaks: Tumne pee rakhi hai kya?
Bhajji: Haaan!
Sreesanth: Complan!
They all sing again
Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl”
Zaks too is amused
Zaks: Haha groin ki toh #@%$* lug gayee. Chalo, let’s disturb Dravid
Bhajji: Areh, whoh toh pahele se hi disturbed hai…
Elsewhere, in Kirsten’s room, Dravid arrives with his books
Kirsten: Hi Rahul, that’s a lotta books
Dravid: Yeah, I got the history of Centurion here…and some stuff on cricket heritage of South Africa…the Cronje secret diaries…some stuff by Woolmer, take your pick
Furious knocking outside Kirsten’s door
Chorus: “I’m a groin boy, I’m a groin girl…”
Dravid: Oh, I’ve heard that…that’s from the 80s ad…for Complan
Kirsten: Serious, they said Groin boy??
Dravid (half smiles) Oh, that’s just some of the youngsters laughing at Zaheer…not the ideal preparation the night before a test but…as they say…to each his own…
The boisterous bunch is in Kirsten’s room, someone asks –
Voice: Garry sir, should we take him or his books??
Kirsten (smiles): Ok boys, let's call it a night. Big day tomorrow.
The players exit Kirsten's room. Dravid makes his way back to his room, at the end of the corridor, humming to himself...
Dravid: I'm a groin boy, I'm a groin girl...
Player Profile: Jacques Kallis
Kallis is responsible for the catchphrase ‘big unit’ in cricket. Once he was called for running on to the danger area of the pitch. That part was then called the endangered area. When he ran on again, it was the pitch and not Kallis who had to go off.
He was once dropped from the T20 World Cup squad. In his anger he booked himself into Carnivore for rehab. In a meat haze, Kallis is supposed to have said, “the only game for me is what I eat here”. If his neck sticks out a bit, it’s because of his fondness for giraffe, as for the thinning tuft of hair, that’s attributed to a soft spot for the Bald Eagle.
His career took off almost like an Englishman, where his test average hovered in the 30s. He then realized that playing for self over country is an easy way to notch up a 50 plus batting average. To maintain his batting average, he only bowls in the alley.
On his day, Kallis can be nigh impossible to dislodge from the crease. He hopes to out-bat Tendulkar in numbers, years, records. This he only shares with the clique. Gibbs follow up book to the controversial ‘To the Point’ is the aptly titled ‘Pointless’, with three chapters on Kallis. Gibbs is supposed to have written this stone cold sober. Kallis hopes to outdo Gibbs, writing an entire book on himself 'Jacques of all trades' it will be called.
The India-South Africa test series: InSaf
In keeping with the anti-tradition series on BoredCC!, The Asses and Teri Maa Ki, it gives us perverse pleasure to call this one InSaf – the battle for No. 2.
InSaf (or Insaaf, justice), as India return to South Africa again, to sort the Saffas, once and for all, and hold them responsible, for throwing M.K. Gandhi off the train.
What better way than a test series to settle some bad old blood between two nations.
Ideally the test matches should have been played on a train, but a ground will do just fine.
There are some who no doubt will look for hidden meanings in InSaf – such as India South Africa, or even India in South Africa.
The way we look at it, you can look at it, any which way.
It will be shorter and spicier than The Asses. There will be no The InSaf on twitter, no calls for Anil Kumble to return, and of course, Kumble will not take off with Liz Hurley.
There will be on the field distractions. And if there aren’t, there’s Bored Cricket Crazy Indians.
And those faux intense ads asking you to bring it on. Speaking to Indians in Afrikaans, that was a good touch. Like Nel sledging Sreesanth in Transvaal tongue.
The Legend Of Cricket Beard
Several hundred years ago there was a dashing young man who was loved by all the village folk. When he pranced through the village square, fair maiden swooned. When he twirled around in the woods, wild beasts purred. Flowers blossomed as he neared, rain clouds stayed away and little birds flew around him all the time. Even bitter senile village elders couldn't repress a smile when he happened to chance upon them.
This man loved cricket. He was hopeless at the game but since he was so charming it was hard for anyone to refuse him a place in their XI. He couldn't bowl, and he was a bit clumsy on the field, but that didn't matter, this was cricket in an era where people much preferred taking casual strolls for a single rather than tearing madly down the pitch for two. Boundaries were rare and celebrated with gusto. But our man loved batting. And his batting was even worse than his other cricketing skills.
For the first few weeks in his first season for his local village in the great Village Premier League (VPL™) he didn't care about his wild swishes that kept missing the ball. He wasn't too bothered when he tried to defend the ball on the back foot and ended up being bowled by a yorker from the worst spinner in the land. He didn't care that he hadn't scored a single run. And he wasn't alone. People smiled and laughed with him, the maiden teased him about scoring more with them and the beast offered to be bludgeoned by his cricket bat if he really missed the sound of willow on leather.
But gradually, it got a bit annoying. Everything else worked perfectly for him. But here, the one thing he really wanted so badly to work out, simply didn't. He started becoming obsessed with figuring out why. He stopped prancing around the village and twirling around in the woods. Instead he spent all his time thinking about how to improve his batting. Eventually he stopped attending to his daily hygiene. He could no longer flash his teeth when he smiled. And then something happened. For the first time in his life he received a mildly critical remark.
"Ye be gettin' er stubble lad, yer wanna watch ouwt on that 'un, might lose yer charm!" He was stunned. He was so shocked, that he collected his things, put them in a rucksack and set out into the woods. For days he sat watching the streams gurgling over rocks, the dew glistening on the fresh grass and just about anything else that would keep him from remembering the unkind words that had scarred him so. All the while, he forwent his personal hygiene beginning to resemble an unkempt tramp. And then one evening as he was gathering wood, he heard a low growl. Frightened he picked up a stick. He had never hit anything before in his entire life, so he knew not how to strike a beast should he be attacked. Trembling, he ran back to his shelter and and faced the opening with his stick in hand.
There he stood and looked out fearfully, hoping against hope that the beast would leave him be. It was then he noticed that he was standing sideways and upright, as if in preparation to play a pull stroke. An idea began to form in his mind. He picked up a bit of twine, wrapped it around a stone and hung it at the entrance. The noise might keep the beast at bay. Then he stood back, took up the same pose and swished. Alas, he missed! But there was too much at stake here, he had to try again. He swished again, but missed again. It was hopeless.
He felt a cool bead on his chin. But he was too scared to remove with for fear of taking one hand off the stick. The bead was a drop of sweat that clung to his now substantial stubble. He decided to keep swishing in the hope that the violent movement might dislodge the cold irritating drop of sweat. He swished with all his might as he had never swished before. And then a wonderful thing happened. For the first time in his life, he made contact with the "ball." It was an exhilarating feeling. He felt an enormous burden lift from his shoulders. The bead had also fallen but he hadn't noticed. He swished again. But this time, he missed. Annoyed he tried again. And again, just hoping to relive the thrill of putting bat on ball again.
By now, he worked himself into a sweat and in the cool forest night, another cold bead of sweat clung to his beard. Even more annoyed he worked himself into a mighty swish and behold, he hit the ball again! Things started making sense. He continued the rest of the night, first working himself into a sweat and then hitting the ball to shake away the cold drops that formed on his beard. And he forgot all about the beast. And so it continued for the next few weeks. Every day woke up at dawn and ran in the forest, building a sweat and then coming back and thrashing the ball hung from the ceiling by twine, shaking off gallons of cold sweat. And as his beard grew, so more sweat accumulated and more often did he hit the ball.
After three years in the woods, he had regained his confidence. He went back to the village and went straight to his team captain and asked if he could play. Time seemed to stop. Everybody around him went aghast as they slowly recognized him from beneath the mass of tangled facial hair. The pets growled. The birds flew off to the Antarctic. Finally the captain looked up into his eyes. "I'd offer ye a place, but you can't nowt hit er cricket ball" he stuttered. "Oh, but I can" said our man. And he proceeded to run the length of the cricket field, built up enough sweat and asked for the best bowler in the village to bowl to him. The senile village elders wondered why he had run before batting, and figured that he was trying to get his blood pumping. Warming up, they called it.
And the best bowler in the village ran up, jumped and thundered the ball down. He expected to bowl our man and didn't want to hurt him. Yet with eloquent ease, the batsman drove him over cover. Everyone was stunned. The cricket captain had never seen a batsman time the ball so well. Without a second thought he included him in the team. This made everybody around uncomfortable, but a good player might help their team do well in the Village Premier League(VPL™), so they decided to keep their thoughts to themselves.
And do well they did. For 6 years they won the (VPL™) as our man scored runs with an insatiable hunger. He loved it, every moment of it. By now he had trimmed his beard to just about half-way down his chest, which he found was the optimal length to shake off accumulated sweat for a session. And then one day, the king's guard was the guest of honor at a cricket final. He arrived late, as an important chief guest should, and was awestruck when he saw the young man bat.
"Who is that ugly man?" he blurted out. "That be Cricket Beard, he might nowt look too good, but his only care is for his game" came the reply. "And what a fine game it be!" gasped the king's guard. "I shall take him to represent the royal team." And so Cricket Beard represented the royal cricket team. He did this on condition that he would never have to shave his beard, which the king reluctantly agreed to. And for 40 years, Cricket Beard played for the royal team and won them many accolades. People traveled from far beyond yonder to watch him bat.
And so they say, even today, the ghost of cricket beard finds a batsman who cannot make contact with the ball but loves batting. And his spirit enters them, and they find the dedication to practice for hour after hour and finally they become the finest hitters in the game. And even though cricket beard might leave them thence, they retain the beard, it being but a symbol of the hard work they put into perfecting their art.
Thank You Sachin!
"If Sachin Tendulkar can refuse a million dollar liquor
endorsement deal, the least we can do is refuse free booze!!"
Player Profile: Yusuf Pathan
From Irfan’s half brother, he’s now Irfan’s better half brother. Starred in the cricketing equivalent of Godfather where he was Don Warne’s favourite son. Loves the home turf, and if he had his way, all games would be played in his neighbourhood – is used to bashing bad bowling, be it Irfan’s, or whatever else the local goons throw at him. Once upon a time he chewed gum and played with the Rajasthan Royals, then realized it takes much more to be King Richards.
Glamorized the Ranji, Duleep, Deodhar, Irani and other desi tournaments by winning matches solo. Legend has it, when India was 108/4 chasing New Zealand’s 314, Yusuf next in to bat, skipper Gambhir whispered in his ear, “that is not New Zealand, that is North Zone”.
Throughout his savage innings of 123 (96 balls, 7 4s, 7 6s), Yusuf repeated the secret mantra, ““that is not New Zealand, that is North Zone”.
It was only after he came off the field that Gambhir removed the spell, whispering in his ear, ““that is not North Zone, that is New Zealand”. To which Yusuf grinned, “I knew it…they are fair in the North, but not too fair like in New Zealand”.
Yusuf went on to play in the World Cup, where he continued to make bad bowling look worse.
Player Profile: Gautam Gambhir
You don’t talk or write or listen to Gambhir. Though once when he called an ordinary team just that, everyone took notice. Then he took off for his sister’s wedding, when he himself was married to the form of his life. Gambhir is like that, he comes and goes, unnoticed. But while he’s there, you watch. You watch for a cricketing exhibition at a scientific art gallery – laser beam square cuts, fish dance on water foot-movements down the track, he always got the spinners by the balls, not a cuddle, a tight squeeze.
Then he shows his human side, and glides one to the slips. Then he returns, bats days, saves games, takes on the counter, partners Viru, and recently even led the team. He prefers to keep his mid off wide. He brings continuity to form, strings scores like a pearl necklace.
He is no better at the catwalk than Kumble, but like Anil, Gautam too, is more a cricketer than anything. He is the real fucking deal.
The Chennai Pitch is Unacceptable : ICC
The ICC's Global Committee for Excellence and High Standards in Pitches was unimpressed by the Chennai pitch on which the last ODI of the India- New Zealand series was played on Friday.
The clean shaven executives of the G.C.E.H.S.P noted that nine wickets fell to spinners for just 96 runs at a venue which will be hosting the ODI World Cup matches in two months time. They stressed that the both teams and pitches need to last 100 overs to match the expectations of the entertaining contests that previous editions of the World Cup have set.
Brushing aside the overcast conditions on the day, poor shot selection and umpiring mishaps, the executives said that a pitch which provides an unfair advantage to any one skill set such as spin bowling is detrimental to the health of the game. "It significantly reduces the span of a game and cheats the paying public of their money's worth of entertainment, regardless of whether the players involved manage to make a game of it or not" said one unnamed clean shaven executive.
The extent of action the committee might take on the substandard pitch is unclear, also unclear is when the next step might be taken given the paucity of time before the mega even kicks off in February.
Nevertheless, nervous officials await further communication from Dubai.
Crownish also blogs at the FCKingblog
Wikileaks: India’s team for the World Cup
On the back of some unexpected success from their part timers albeit against New Zealand, a document that reveals India’s starting XI for the World Cup has come to light. The thinking is obvious - pack the team with batsmen, though closer examination shows these are all batsmen who can bowl.
Apart from Gautam Gambhir, everyone who makes the final XI, including Dhoni will bowl. Gambhir himself made the team only after he bowled a few in the nets. With Rohit, Raina, Yusuf and Yuvi, India’s strategy is to stun the opposition into complacency. While more often than not, Yusuf takes a wicket in his first over, Raina is the partnership breaker, Rohit a relative unknown, and Yuvraj, the senior part timer. Together they will control the middle overs on the sub continent's slow and low wickets.
Plan B: In case the part timers are taken apart, there's Kohli or Sehwag, and when all else fails, there is Tendulkar.
India’s XI for the World Cup: Sachin Tendulkar, Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir, Virat Kohli, Yuvraj Singh, Suresh Raina, MS Dhoni, Rohit Sharma, Yusuf Pathan, Harbhajan Singh, Zaheer Khan.
While Zaks and Bhajji will open the bowling with their medium pacers, Dhoni will be first change with his seamers. The back-up keeper will be Kohli.
The curious case of Beer
Date - 9th Dec 2010
Setting - Aussies selector meeting
Minutes:
Selector 1 - Mate, we are gathered here to mourn the untimely demise of Aus...
Selector 2 (interrupting) - Not yet. We still have 3 more to go. However, considering our form, you may need to wait just 1 more test (winks)..
Selector 1 - The player form or ours (winks back)
Guru G - Stop counting chickens before they hatch. We need to discover the diamond in our boys.
Selector 1 - I told you before, oh fingered one, lay off the big words. No cameras here.
Note - The selectors have no idea they are being Radiaed. (For international viewers - Assanged)
Selector 1 - Right, whom do we throw out?
Selector 2 - Bollie. I am worried he will tear out his hair after seeing the crap performance of his mates. We shall get back Mitch. He has already suffered permanent brain damage what with his radar, mum, chick and excess tattoos. Will not make a difference to him.
Selector 1 - Xavier too needs to go. He has had his chance and played his role perfectly.
Selector 2 - He did get KP. Though it would have been good if he had got him some 180 runs before.
Selector 1 - Whom do we now give a chance?
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - White does not fancy bowling spin much anymore. And he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - Kreztja? I cannot even pronounce his name. And he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Selector 1 - Grimmett - He is dead. Even then, he ain't left arm slow.
Selector 2 - Hauritz?
Guru G - We need to think beyond left armers. I say let us bring on Trevor...
Selector 1 - Underarm is banned mate.
Guru G - Ohh sorry
Selector 2 - Hauritz? HAURITZ - Nathan "motherf***ing Hauritz??
Selector - It is decided then. There ain't any spinner of note remaining in Australia. We need to bring back Warne.
Guru G - Warney shall play only when he is allowed to wear pansy blue shit, bowl only 4 overs a day, get a chance to flirt with cheerleaders and CA chiefs and apply Moove to his creaking joints and muscles.
Selector 1 - We have a problem.
Selector 2 - H.....never mind.
Guru G - This is too much. I need a beer.
Selector 1 - Great thinking Guru G. Get me Beer.
Selector 2 - (shoots himself).
Dan sings the Rain Blues
Spotted outside the MA Chidambaram stadium, venue of the 5th ODI between India and New Zealand, a handful of crazy fans are praying for rain. This went largely unnoticed, till a group of Black Caps led by Daniel Vettori joined them.
Even though Vettori and his boys were in disguise, dressed appropriately as peacocks, the theme for this congregation, it was the captains’ hangdog look that gave him away.
Cover blown, Vettori mumbled something about how it was unfortunate that rain had postponed the one-day series in Sri Lanka. Carrying on in the same vein, he added that the Aussis did not deserve to be saved by rain at Adelaide.
“I will gladly play a rain-effected match today, as we have had some success in the past against India in T20s.” he said, as he turned to sing the Rain Song in Tamil.
James Franklin was still at the hotel, watching the highlights of his 98 not out in Bangalore.
Warne's pre-Ashes workout and beyond
Shane Warne has decided to play for Pakistan first, and then consider his options with Australia. Comebacks, even post retirement, have always been much easier in Pakistan, Mohammed Yousuf will vouch that that. Also playing for Pakistan will ease Warne into international cricket, he can get away with 2 over spells, then go off for a drink, smoke, put his legs up, Akhtar will vouch for that.
Appears he will return for the tour opener - Auckland vs. Pakistanis, a warm-up match on 23rd December. If he wants, he will be allowed to captain the side. In all likelihood, if he has a good game, he will seriously consider playing in the Boxing Day test in Melbourne.
Warne claims if fitness is an issue, he will stand at first slip throughout the test. He wants to be there to captain the side, and reduce Ricky’s load so he can focus on his batting. Warne also said he was looking to replicate his Rajasthan Royals’ model in the Australian team, and having Shane Watson play for him was just great. Though he did quickly add, that not having Yusuf Pathan was a huge blow.
Why Kohli and not Kumble was retained by the Bangalore Royal Challengers
Kumble is shown into Sid Mallaya’s office by a buxom secretary. Seeing her, he coughs the obligatory cough.
Kumble: Hi Siddharth
Sid Mallaya (laughs): You can call me Sid…we’re friends, we know each other….right babes (asking secretary)
Secretary: Eh…
Kumble (briskly): You know I'm the Karnataka State Cricket Association President, and with that comes an added responsibility…just yesterday I was at the stadium in a suit…
SM: It was pretty ill-fitting….
Kumble (ignoring): Eh…Rahul thought it was smart…anyway, now I have to be a certain way, dress a certain way in public
SM: Whatever…
Kumble: So when I play for the Royal Challengers, I will have to wear a suit
SM: No way man…what’re you saying…you’re kidding right
Kumble: I’m very serious. These are not silly games anymore – this is politics. You can’t afford to have the KSCA President running around in some red and gold jump suit
SM (To secretary): Get me Dad… (and to Kumble)…man, next you’ll say, you wanna bowl in a friggin’ head bandage…
Kumble: Yes, people have very fond memories of the bandage…I even got Lara out in that
Virat Kohli breezes into Sid Mallaya’s office
VK: Hey Sid, wasup?
SM: Hey Vir, what will you wear for the IPL…
VK: What? The Bangalore Royal Challenger’s jersey of course.
Y Pathan? Yusuf answers.
1. Beard transplant via his namesake to maintain a steady head for fluent stroke play. Notice forward defense shots, that’s all beard-head dynamics.
2. Invasive hug to partner as if he was Mrs. Saurabh Tiwari.
3. Render two World Cup hopefuls hopeless. And some Kiwis too.
4. Squatted as if to prepare for morning ablutions, instead sweep-slogged a 6 over long on.
5. Revealed his scary venus fly trap tongue
6. Prepared for IPL auction even before the World Cup
7. No chewing gum
8. Teeth
9. Has his cricinfo profile updated on match day - best bowling analysis + score in one game, and it shows up.
10. Here's to sibling rivalry (Irfan, get off yr ass)
Australia beat weather, lose Adelaide.
Even before the weather could intervene, Australia made quick work of the 2nd test, losing their last 6 wickets in the first session itself. “We didn’t want to be dependent on the weather – it’s terrible when you’re constantly reminded that the weather saved you..also now the Poms don’t have the gloating rights, they won a test but we can live with that” said Ponting.
In another instance, Cricket Australia has come down heavily on their players. By losing well within the first 90 minutes, that is way before 7 AM Indian Standard Time, there was a massive loss of Indian viewership. It is still not certain, but the players could lose up to 70-90% of their match fees. North and Doherty could even face a one-to-two match suspension. Expect the official reason to be CA’s rotational policy, injury or something as lame as loss of form.
Sachin's other son
Killer video with Jatman, SRK, SRT, Shoaib Akhtar. Extras: SMG, Shoaib Mirza + Shri Sahara.
Thanks to The Cricket Couch for this video
India to rest everyone for 4th and 5th ODIs
After another pointless game, this time in Baroda, India will play only debutants for the fourth and fifth one-dayers. However, as it’s also the Ranji season, most of the first class players will be unavailable for selection. Che Pujara, will however make himself available to lead a team of retired players that will include Arun Lal, Ravi Shastri, LS and Sunny Gavaskar amongst others.
Naturally this will leave a void in the commentary box, one the BCCI is hoping, cricket bloggers and enthusiasts will fill up. This will be an honorary job, and the compensation will be limited to board and lodging. If interested, please mail us at bcciwrites@gmail.com
Tendulkar's remodeled workout for the World Cup
By now you must know that Sachin Tendulkar along with a few others will leave early for South Africa, thereby missing out on the one-dayers against New Zealand, and with that, any pre-World Cup ODIs on Indian soil. That’s how it looks now. The BCCI, however, has moved swiftly on this – they have ensured that Sachin along with a few others will leave early for India, immediately after the test matches, thereby missing out on the one-dayers against South Africa. The wheels are in motion to set up a minimum 6 match one-day series against Sri Lanka. Dhoni will return as captain, along with what is being talked about as the starting XI for the World Cup. In Dhoni’s absence, Che Pujara will lead an Emerging India XI against South Africa in the one-dayers.
Appears India will play Sri Lanka at Mirpur, Kolkata, Bangalore, Delhi, Nagpur and Chennai. Except for Mirpur, which is in Bangladesh, there’s nothing odd about the venues – except that India will play all their World Cup Group matches at these venues.
If Sri Lanka pushes hard for a few one-dayers at Colombo and Hambanthota, the venues for their World Cup games, it’s possible, Che Pujara will lead an Emerging India XI in the Emerald Isle.
Jaipur one-dayer tied in knots.
New Zealand scored 258, India, with a wide, and two byes, made it 259. Even then it was unclear whether the match was over. At the post-match conference, Shastri reminded Gambhir that New Zealand’s 259 was a good score. Gambhir echoed Shastri’s sentiment, agreeing that 259 indeed was a good score.In light of what was spoken on television, it is learnt that the Jaipur match stands tied. To correct this, the Kiwis will play one more delivery, score another run, and arrive at 259. After which the Indian team will return to score the winning run.
It was also debated whether Ravi Shastri along with the Hon’ble committee in their white jacket-black pants and kurta pajama-muffler combos can return for another post match conference, and carry out a quick edit wherein Shastri and Gambhir correct themselves stating “258 was a good score” instead of 259.
This possibility was ruled out when the cameraman walked out, flatly refusing to film the clowns again.
Y Pathan? is back. Not funny.
(1st ODI, Guwahati)
Dread days like this, when Y Pathan? returns, and does something remotely useful. I ask, why Pathan? He scored runs, not many, but enough to answer at seven for the way he made them. Dropped off a full toss, and then caught off a full toss. Before that, a six, which is what they want at seven – someone who hits sixes. And now Y Pathan? is the new first slipper – 3 catches to his name. Small mercies he bowled his first over for 15, and an improvement was 9 of the second.
But this is little trivia. Y Pathan? plundered in the Ranji’s as he often does. He returns as he will exit, almost as if he is periodically rested. Both fulfill some street parrot prophecy. You and I can call it too. Oh look, there walks in Y Pathan? And today he played New Zealand, ask Gambhir, he will tell you what sort of team they are.
He didn’t even bat at 7, came in at 6. More than Y Pathan?, it’s the selectors that want him to play this World Cup.
(2nd ODI, Jaipur)
Today, a wicket of his first ball. Looking at him celebrate, you’d think he just got Ross Taylor out. Which he did. Bowled only 4 overs, for a run less than Motera. Some improvement. Y Pathan? did not bat today.
Note: We will refer to Yusuf Pathan as Y Pathan? as there is still a question mark to his name. Say it, Y Pathan? Bewildered?
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