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(Credits: Mrs. Cricket Couch helped in the drawing of the cartoon)
India to field weakened side for second game
After a second string side beat New Zealand in Guwahati, the selectors are determined to pick an even weaker team for the 2nd one-dayer. Virat Kohli continues to be a spoke in the wheels, staying the selection of India’s next great batsman, Rohit Sharma. A selector who claims to be from no zone in particular yet always in the zone, claims Sharma’s selection will have a long term impact on where India will be ten years on, whereas Kohli is scoring all these hundreds now, but lacks the staying power of a Sharma. He further added that Twenty20 will be the only format played in 2020, for which Sharma is a must-have.
Naturally the return of the two Ys, Yuvraj and Yusuf, is not entirely a cricketing one. The selector says, Yuvraj fills the stands faster than free passes to the girls while Yusuf’s monster hits into the stands make the spectators feel like they’re an integral part of the game. Can you imagine holding a freshly smoked ball, that too by Yusuf Pathan? The board is in talks with a chewing gum company to have the gum pasted on Yusuf’s 6s. Bubbles will be a bonus.
To make the next match far more competitive, Yuvraj will not bowl, will Yusuf will bowl his full quota of ten overs.
Strauss sings da blues
I came here down under
But not for this
To play out 200 overs
To save a bloody test
This I detest, this I detest
The rate we’re going
19 of 15 overs
We’ll need another test
To make them bat again and get some bloody rest
This I detest, this I detest
I’d much rather have stayed at home
In my quilt
Than to watch us wilt
Little by little, bit by bit
Where the fuck is that British grit?
Who needs Hussey and Katich
Both Hussey and Katich are playing in their 55th test. They’re both left-handed batsmen. They’re both very quiet too. I’ve seen a few Hussey interviews, volume on, but as Floyd says, “your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying”. Katich, I’m convinced, doesn’t give interviews. I have never heard his lips move. If they do, they move sideways.
It’s wonderful that Cricket Australia has stuck with such strong silent types, they add backbone to the side. Through the many crisis that Ponting has captained them, these two have been an inspiration. Post match, game lost, to either India or England, abuse and socks being hurled, and these two, arms folded, looking blankly into the mid-distance.
And that’s when Ponting stops pulling at his freshly planted hair and says, “Look at Huss…will you take a look at him”. Which is when, pokerfaced Katich, sitting alongside Hussey, slides his head ever so slightly, in Hussey’s direction and looks at him.
And Ponting continues, “and will you take a look at Kat..”. And Hussey nods, without looking at Kat.
And then Clarke jumps up, nodding, smiling, wagging his finger, standing alongside his captain. And Haddin, as always, jumps in front. And Watson barges in with his misplaced bonhomie. And Johnson sings on in the corner, “When i was little bitty baby my Mama would lock me in the closet…
And that’s why Australia need Huss and Kat. Though of course they would prefer to be referred to as Mr. Simon Mathew Katich and Mr. Michael Edward Killeen Hussey. Australian for bear.
(Oh look, Hussey + Katich chat each other up here)
Thanks to Wes of Play for country not for self for the video.
Player Profile: Ricky Ponting
 |
| comic punter |
Ponting struck a deal with the devil who made him the world’s best batsman, but in exchange sucked him of every ounce of happiness. Before he knew it, instead of captaining a team, he was running a kennel. This he liked at first, particularly the barking. It worked with umpires, as against most teams. But when the top dogs stopped playing ball, he was left with himself and some choices. He then ran into India. Somehow he was no longer the best batsman, so he called on the devil again, reminding him of their deal. The devil laughed at him. He then ran into England. He then ran into India again. He then ran into England again. On the eve of the 2010-11 Ashes, Ponting returned to the devil: he begged him for an ounce of happiness. Which is when the devil asked him to go watch his post match interviews. To which Ponting said, “what about on the cricket field?” To which the devil said, “play cricket on the cricket field, and the joy will return…” To which Ponting said, “who the devil are you, Anil Kumble?”
 |
| real ricky |
(Ponting is two-faced, so there are two Ponting Profile Pictures - one comic, the other more realistic. The irony being, Comic Ponting doesn't have a grip on reality, whereas Realistic Ponting can't get a handle on the comic. )
Lalit Modi gatecrashes the Ashes
Do you believe this guy? Does he believe himself?
Thanks to Bored Member Achettup for the video
Look at Siddle laugh at his mates
Thanks to Bored Member Crownish for the video.
Player Profile: Peter Siddle
 |
| crumpled paper, he likes |
Peter Mathew Siddle or PMS, as he was taunted as a teenager, got along just fine with the girls. Before cricket, he was a wood chopper, and an unusual one at that – he chopped wood with his teeth. He took his first hat-trick at 13, second at 26, on the first day of the Ashes in Brisbane on his birthday. He even cut the celebratory cake with his teeth. And laughed, showing off his math skills, “ah mah next hat-trick be when am 39…so I plan to play for a long time”. It was later learnt from his victims, that more than the bowling, it was the fearful prospect of looking Siddle in the eye that lost them their wickets. To which Siddle laughed, “my eye not in mah mouth haha”. Clearly Siddle’s fitness was debatable again.
Player Profile: Stuart Broad
There was a saying in the Broad household when a boy child was born, “Spare the Broad, and spoil the child”. And instead of the spank on the bottom, doctors were instructed to pat the little Broad’s butt. The Broad family tree reveals the name Petticoat used by one branch, whereas another twig that journeyed India in the late 1800s, went by the title of Memsahib. However, Broad was, and has been, the most acceptable name.
Spoiling reached a new low when Chris Broad turned match-referee to indulge his son, Stuart, who turned super brat to indulge himself. Momentarily, Stuart brat was sixed to his senses by Yuvi Brat.
The comedown was short lived, as Flintoff vanished, and Stuart Broad attained superbrat-superstar status in the English camp. His Ashes’ analysis had something to do with it. Clearly Stuart little was becoming much too big again.
Player Profile: Andrew Strauss
Andrew Strauss was one of the British airmen hiding in Rene Artois’ Inn, in ‘Allo ‘Allo! After his brief acting career, he started to play act as the English captain. He was responsible for Nasser Hussain’s retirement and is a much hated bloke in the Sky commentary box. The Sky boys accused in chorus, “it was bad enough seeing Nas’ back on the field, now we gotta see his front in the box”. To which Strauss smiled his half smile and uttered something under his breath.
Little is known of Strauss’ Machiavellian ways except that he is responsible for cleansing the team of Flintoffism, and its founding father, Andrew. Under Strauss’ reign the team was de-glamourised, and even wore uniforms on late night jaunts. Individualistic, Freddie like roars, and post-wicket romps on the field were frowned upon. It was best to smile, clap your hands, though a handshake and pats were acceptable.
Under Strauss, KP’s streaks suffered, as did his form. Whereas forgettable players, who put team before self, prospered. Trott, Collingwood, Cook, amongst his able lieutenants, were known to carry midnight purges on twitter and porn.
In spite of himself, Strauss is a perfectly likable gentleman, and the best man to lead England. It’s a shame he’s being underutilized in sport. 10 Downing Street beckons.
How do you want KP to bat in The Asses
There was a time, KP muttered, “at the end of the day” like MSD mutters his "of course". That was when he was captain. Now he’s blindfolded, and in this cool but pointless video. There’s a series of videos coming up – KP on one leg, KP on his head, KP in a tub, KP in drag, KPLD, KP in SAFA gear, KP breaking his ribs.
Deal with KP is, he can pull it off. May be not in SAFA gear, but pretty much everything else. So if you’re English, or South African with an English mommy, send in your mails to KP@theasses.com how do you want KP to bat? 158. Damn right you are.
(video from Bored Member Som's blog, Doosra)
Please Quarantine Sachin!
"Doctor, please quarantine Sachin! Nervous 90s are spreading fast -
3 batsmen have already shown deadly symptoms!"
3 batsmen have already shown deadly symptoms!"
I'm out of form
I’m out of luck, I’m out of form
Don’t know how I’ll weather the storm
The legs will move, the blood will flow
Take it easy, nice and slow
Do it little by little, blow by blow
I watch the ball, can’t watch my back
The knives are out, want me on the rack
Looking for luck, needle in a haystack
Forget the world, stare at a bird’s eye
You’re not a myth, you’re not an evil Sith
You’re still playing, you’re still brick-laying
I’m out of luck, I’m out of form
Don’t know how I’ll weather the storm
Open your mind, open your stance
Look at the field, give it one more glance
Forget about luck, forget about chance
I hear voices and I hear noises
I hear raves and I hear rants
I hear don’ts and I can’ts
Blank the crowd, blank the bowler
Let ‘em boo, let ‘em holler
Treat ‘em like another blank caller
I’m out of luck, I’m out of form
Don’t know how I’ll weather the storm
Written on December, 22, 2008 for Dravid. First posted on Naked Cricket.
Out of South Africa
When the media pounded Smith about this decision, Smith with his usual pugnacious attitude, responded, “Listen. I didn’t want Morne to better his personal record of 40. We would lose a genuine number 11 batsman and our selectors – you know how they are – they might get Gibbs back in to play at #11.” When pushed further, Smith revealed, “I didn’t want to upset the delicate clique balance we have in our team. And also, Morne might want a move up the order. As valid as that request may be, considering the kind of form Alviro and Ashwell have been in recently, I was keeping an eye on the upcoming series against India. You know Dhoni is going to spread the field as soon as Morne steps in to bat. This will give us an opportunity to score all the runs we want.”
On the eve of Sachin’s 50th test hundred
Seats are being added in Nagpur as politicians and students will enter free of cost. Whereas the pricier tickets will cost even more – the first session, where many believe Sachin will knock the 43 runs off, has two more premium tickets up for grabs – that of the two umpires. The lucky two will wear Simon Taufel and Nigel Llong masks (created by the makers of Face off), and undertake a crash course in umpiring by none other than Taufel and Llong. The Taufel ticket is pricier as is it involves far greater umpiring skills.
Doh! Happy Bored Day Shri Honorable Bored Member Homer!
Have you ever squirmed in anticipation of taking on the best debater in the first round of a competition? Knowing he will dissect your argument with ease, expose weak links in your suppositions, tear to shreds your examples by putting them in a different context, expose your ignorance in several areas of the topic under discussion, demonstrate his own expertise on the subject and craft the perfect speech based on his meticulous research, send you home packing in a wail of tears?
Well, Bored member Homer has felt like that several times prior to engaging me in a discussion!
Just kidding... Before he was an exclusive bored member, Homer ran the most thoroughly researched cricket blog on the internet. I don't know how he does it, but give him an example of unfair reporting and within a couple of minutes he will dig out a link that shows the offending writer/reporter contradicting himself ala Jon Stewart on the Daily Show. Erudite and with a photographic memory, you would much rather argue with him than against him, as I have often discovered when trying to convince him that the new BCCI are actually overlords of darkness trying to crucify Lalit Modi and Test cricket. Rather than hold any of that against him, the only thing I am really annoyed with him about is that he ended his blog "Do Paise Ka Tamasha" or 'Homer's Two Cents' after correctly predicting the result of the last Ashes (did I mention his deep and keen insight in the game of cricket?). Maybe he could give us all a birthday treat and deliberately predict the result of this Ashes wrong and then start blogging again?
As Mumbaikars go, Homer is right up there in the Raj Thackeray league. He would fight tooth and nail for Rohit Sharma's inclusion and is rumored to be behind the revolutionary movement "The Peoples Front For Ajit Agarkar" (well, not really, but a little exaggeration never hurt anyone) , and for some odd reason keeps reminding everyone how well Munaf Patel set up Kyle Mills in New Zealand. The silver lining though is that he has deep knowledge of the domestic scene and was among the first Bored members to spot Che. Then there is also his quite brilliant analysis of several core issues that have cropped up in recent times in cricket, from WADA to UDRS to the Howard nomination, Ijaz Butt's claims that the Pakistan were ignored from participating in the Champions League and so many more.
Bored fans, might I present to you the Hon. Shri Homerji, Bored Member, Bored Cricket Crazy Indians, so that you might salute him today as I do, on the occasion of his birthday.
Happy Bored Day Homer!
The curious case of Jaidev Unadkat
Saurashtra’s strike bowler Jaidev Unadkat is not playing for his state team, so he cannot play for the national side. In a devious ploy, Unadkat was picked as Zak’s replacement for the 3rd test in Nagpur. You know he’s not going to make the final eleven before Sreesanth, Ishant, Bhajji and Ojha. But he will make the bench alongside his Saurashtra mate Che Pujara. With both their strike bowler and batsman on the Indian bench, no wonder Saurashra’s been having a rough time off late. Well done, Cheeka, you couldn’t have picked a weaker team to play your side. For the record, Tamil Nadu 582/4 declared vs. Saurashtra 246/4. Btw Ravindra Jadeja also plays for Saurashtra, he bats at No. 4. Whatever.
Happy Bored Day Purna Hassan Cricket Minded
I look at the Bangladeshi team and think "GODDAMNIT why don't they ever take a shower"???? Well, one conversation with Purna and I think to myself "GODDAMNIT I need to cleanse myself of all the evil thoughts she's put in my head".
She loves her Saffas and ofcourse her fellow countrymen. She's also a major fan of Mohammad Ashraful, so much so that she coined a lovely nickname for him "Crashrafool". If you think that's not funny she coined one for AB de Villiers trying to play the Dilscoop (And horribly failing to execute it). She calls it the "Shitscoop".
Cricket runs in her blood as her father is a big fan of cricket. He also looks a lot like Zaheer Abbas. She claims Mushfiqur Rahim is her son but it's hard to believe her considering she's in her mid twenties (Or so she says). She also has plans to have the bebbies with Dale Steyn and has been devising an evil plan to get rid of his supermodel girlfriend.
Outside of cricket, like most Bengalis, she loves her football. Sadly she roots for the wrong team in Real Madrid although she makes up for it by being a fierce Spanish supporter. Her blog is a nice getaway from all the serious stuff we cricket fans gorge ourselves on but make sure there aren't any minors around you when you go to it. I swear she swears like a Pirate from the Caribbean.
Here's wishing you a very Happy Bored Day Purna Hassan Cricket Minded. May you continue to stink up the blogosphere with your nasty posts!!!
Catch Purna take the piss out of the world at www.cricketminded.blogspot.com
Con Call1: Maa
Preamble:
This was waiting to happen if you consider the enormity of the 2G scam. The arbitrary manner in which spectrum licences have been handed out to any Anil, Sunil, or Vellan was bound to reflect in the overall quality of mobile connectivity. Over the past few weeks, the issues faced by subscribers have gone beyond the reasonably acceptable problems such as call drops - to actually being able to listen in on entire conversations between two complete strangers!
One such conversation which was thrust upon us prompted us to start this all-new feature: “Con-Call”. We kick off with the very same conversation, but we have no inkling when the next ‘eavesdrop’ will be reported; so keep checking this space!
Con-Call 1: Maa
This is a conversation we overheard between a mother and her son (whose voice had an uncanny similarity to that of a cricketer of (past) repute). While the conversation was in part Hindi & Punjabi, for the benefit of our global audience we have translated most of it:
UV: Hello... Maa?
Maa: Who is this?
UV: Maa, you too? Forgot me, what?
Maa: Kaun, UV? Beta, sorry, didn’t recognise... your voice... it sounds different. I don’t see you on TV nowadays, no? That’s why...
UV: MAA! What are you blabbering? If you don’t see me on TV, how does that make you forget MY VOICE?
Maa: Er... uh... nahi beta... duh... leave all this! But you do sound different – is everything alright?
UV: How will it be, Maa? I am no longer in the team, my chances of getting back in are looking bleaker as each test goes by... and they have demoted my status too! MAA...(commences to sob)
Maa: Now, now, son... get a grip on yourself. Big boys like you shouldn’t be crying! By the way, you aren’t talking about Priety’s team, are you?
UV: MAA! No, Maa... the Indian Team!
Maa: Oh... ok, I get it now! They demoted your status, matlab??
UV: Matlab, they moved me from Grade A to Grade B... I will get less money than some of the kids like Raina!
Maa: Will this impact your ad contracts?
UV: I suppose it will...
Maa: Oh, then it’s a big problem! But you are still in Priety’s team, no?
UV: She does not have a team now! Their team was thrown out of the IPL.
Maa: Oh my God, beta, now what are you going to do?? No ads, no Priety... this is big shit you are in, beta! What are you going to do now?
UV: I have to somehow get back into the Indian team, Maa. I was very hopeful of getting back in till the New Zealand series started. And I had a plan too... But I don’t know now... with all the dead pitches, everyone’s making runs by the tons...
Maa: But that boy, Raina... he didn’t score anything much in this series. So you may still have your chance again soon. What plan did you have in mind?
UV: Nahi Maa, the selectors will probably take him to South Africa and wait to see if he fails there... even then, there is Pujara waiting for a chance. My plan was to focus on another slot and I thought I had it under control. You see Maa, Bhaji’s bowling has been pathetic over the last year or so... and I was hoping to replace him for the SA tour as the lead spinner who can bat too – an all-rounder, you know. Now, that door’s closed too, with Bhaji scoring more runs than I ever did in one series!
Maa: Chalo, whatever’s happened, has happened... Now what?
UV: Dunno... I guess I will have to keep playing these silly domestic matches.
Maa: Hang on; the mention of Bhaji has sparked a thought... He has been going through bad bowling form for a long time, no?
UV: Yes... more than a year now, but he never lost his place in the team.
Maa: EXACTLY! Do you know why? You know beta, in our Ladies’ club, we discussed this few months back and all of us agreed it was part of team strategy.
UV: Team strategy??
Maa: Haan, team strategy! You see, we were playing a lot of matches against the Aussies and we needed someone who appeared as aggressive as them, who gave it back to them. It didn’t matter how well he played – he had to focus on being aggressive!
UV: Maa, what are you saying??
Maa: Listen, I am pretty sure my theory is right. Even that episode with Dumbo was a staged one... Why do you think Sachin fumbled during the hearing? We all know he is a bad actor, haven’t you seen his ads? He just forgot his lines; that’s all!
UV: Dumbo?? You mean Symmo, Maa?
Maa: Symmo, Dumbo, what does it matter - all same, same only... The point is it was fixed! Even slapping Srikkanth was pre-planned, to add to the aggressive image of Bhaji!
UV: MAA! Srikkanth nahi, Sreesanth... though I do wish you were right!
Maa: Jo bhi! But do you understand the theory now? It was part of strategy.
UV: Maa, even if I assume your theory to be true, what are you suggesting?
Maa: Get aggressive, beta! You see, now with Bhaji having scored 2 tons, he is going to take himself and his batting seriously – probably will start comparing himself to Kapil Paaji also – and he will not have time to do all those aggressive things. The team management will then start looking for another person to be the aggressor... even if he can’t bat or bowl to potential. In walks UV – taa, daa!
UV: Maa, it’s not that simple... even then, I can’t be doing all the silly things Bhaji did...
Maa: Don’t under-estimate yourself beta! You have it in you to hog the limelight for all the wrong reasons... er... I mean, for the aggressive acts. All you have to do is to get started – maybe by slapping someone.
UV: But whom? I don’t think Santh, dumb though he is, will agree to get slapped once more. Slapping Raina or Pujara – won’t have the same effect!
Maa: Maybe... your dad??? Just once?
UV: MAA! TUM BHI NA...! Waise, slapping Papa will not help – I will have to slap someone who is in the team.
Maa: How about Dhoni?
UV: (After long pause) Hmmm... that’s a thought. Waise, he has been struggling for runs too. Maybe the sympathy generated will help him keep his place too. I am sure he will agree to the plan!
Maa: Great! Get started right away, beta! Wish you the best!
UV: Thanks Maa! You have been very supportive – as usual. I will update you later... bye Maa!
Maa: Bye, beta!
Click!
by AM
This was waiting to happen if you consider the enormity of the 2G scam. The arbitrary manner in which spectrum licences have been handed out to any Anil, Sunil, or Vellan was bound to reflect in the overall quality of mobile connectivity. Over the past few weeks, the issues faced by subscribers have gone beyond the reasonably acceptable problems such as call drops - to actually being able to listen in on entire conversations between two complete strangers!
One such conversation which was thrust upon us prompted us to start this all-new feature: “Con-Call”. We kick off with the very same conversation, but we have no inkling when the next ‘eavesdrop’ will be reported; so keep checking this space!
Con-Call 1: Maa
This is a conversation we overheard between a mother and her son (whose voice had an uncanny similarity to that of a cricketer of (past) repute). While the conversation was in part Hindi & Punjabi, for the benefit of our global audience we have translated most of it:
UV: Hello... Maa?
Maa: Who is this?
UV: Maa, you too? Forgot me, what?
Maa: Kaun, UV? Beta, sorry, didn’t recognise... your voice... it sounds different. I don’t see you on TV nowadays, no? That’s why...
UV: MAA! What are you blabbering? If you don’t see me on TV, how does that make you forget MY VOICE?
Maa: Er... uh... nahi beta... duh... leave all this! But you do sound different – is everything alright?
UV: How will it be, Maa? I am no longer in the team, my chances of getting back in are looking bleaker as each test goes by... and they have demoted my status too! MAA...(commences to sob)
Maa: Now, now, son... get a grip on yourself. Big boys like you shouldn’t be crying! By the way, you aren’t talking about Priety’s team, are you?
UV: MAA! No, Maa... the Indian Team!
Maa: Oh... ok, I get it now! They demoted your status, matlab??
UV: Matlab, they moved me from Grade A to Grade B... I will get less money than some of the kids like Raina!
Maa: Will this impact your ad contracts?
UV: I suppose it will...
Maa: Oh, then it’s a big problem! But you are still in Priety’s team, no?
UV: She does not have a team now! Their team was thrown out of the IPL.
Maa: Oh my God, beta, now what are you going to do?? No ads, no Priety... this is big shit you are in, beta! What are you going to do now?
UV: I have to somehow get back into the Indian team, Maa. I was very hopeful of getting back in till the New Zealand series started. And I had a plan too... But I don’t know now... with all the dead pitches, everyone’s making runs by the tons...
Maa: But that boy, Raina... he didn’t score anything much in this series. So you may still have your chance again soon. What plan did you have in mind?
UV: Nahi Maa, the selectors will probably take him to South Africa and wait to see if he fails there... even then, there is Pujara waiting for a chance. My plan was to focus on another slot and I thought I had it under control. You see Maa, Bhaji’s bowling has been pathetic over the last year or so... and I was hoping to replace him for the SA tour as the lead spinner who can bat too – an all-rounder, you know. Now, that door’s closed too, with Bhaji scoring more runs than I ever did in one series!
Maa: Chalo, whatever’s happened, has happened... Now what?
UV: Dunno... I guess I will have to keep playing these silly domestic matches.
Maa: Hang on; the mention of Bhaji has sparked a thought... He has been going through bad bowling form for a long time, no?
UV: Yes... more than a year now, but he never lost his place in the team.
Maa: EXACTLY! Do you know why? You know beta, in our Ladies’ club, we discussed this few months back and all of us agreed it was part of team strategy.
UV: Team strategy??
Maa: Haan, team strategy! You see, we were playing a lot of matches against the Aussies and we needed someone who appeared as aggressive as them, who gave it back to them. It didn’t matter how well he played – he had to focus on being aggressive!
UV: Maa, what are you saying??
Maa: Listen, I am pretty sure my theory is right. Even that episode with Dumbo was a staged one... Why do you think Sachin fumbled during the hearing? We all know he is a bad actor, haven’t you seen his ads? He just forgot his lines; that’s all!
UV: Dumbo?? You mean Symmo, Maa?
Maa: Symmo, Dumbo, what does it matter - all same, same only... The point is it was fixed! Even slapping Srikkanth was pre-planned, to add to the aggressive image of Bhaji!
UV: MAA! Srikkanth nahi, Sreesanth... though I do wish you were right!
Maa: Jo bhi! But do you understand the theory now? It was part of strategy.
UV: Maa, even if I assume your theory to be true, what are you suggesting?
Maa: Get aggressive, beta! You see, now with Bhaji having scored 2 tons, he is going to take himself and his batting seriously – probably will start comparing himself to Kapil Paaji also – and he will not have time to do all those aggressive things. The team management will then start looking for another person to be the aggressor... even if he can’t bat or bowl to potential. In walks UV – taa, daa!
UV: Maa, it’s not that simple... even then, I can’t be doing all the silly things Bhaji did...
Maa: Don’t under-estimate yourself beta! You have it in you to hog the limelight for all the wrong reasons... er... I mean, for the aggressive acts. All you have to do is to get started – maybe by slapping someone.
UV: But whom? I don’t think Santh, dumb though he is, will agree to get slapped once more. Slapping Raina or Pujara – won’t have the same effect!
Maa: Maybe... your dad??? Just once?
UV: MAA! TUM BHI NA...! Waise, slapping Papa will not help – I will have to slap someone who is in the team.
Maa: How about Dhoni?
UV: (After long pause) Hmmm... that’s a thought. Waise, he has been struggling for runs too. Maybe the sympathy generated will help him keep his place too. I am sure he will agree to the plan!
Maa: Great! Get started right away, beta! Wish you the best!
UV: Thanks Maa! You have been very supportive – as usual. I will update you later... bye Maa!
Maa: Bye, beta!
Click!
by AM
Kaif back in the reckoning
After a string of low scores, the latest being a no-score, the selectors are on the verge of picking Mohammad Kaif. One selector offered in way of explanation, “I believe the worst is over for Kaif…he has had a string of low scores no doubt…but after rain there must be sunshine…we expect Kaifu to come good very soon…you cannot hide class”. I however believe Kaif's selection is the perfect ploy to justify picking Yuvraj Singh. And just as I was coming to terms with this belief, the selector’s guilty conscience added, “Look at Yuvi, you cannot hide class…he will be back to his best…also we believe Kaifu to be the perfect partner for Yuvi while chasing 300+ targets in the sub-continent…”. Yeah sure, like 325 at Lord's.
RDX: Bhajji is like Sobers and Ishant is like me
Finally I made the headlines with my Bhajji quote. Nobody gets my wry sense of humour in the team. Once Jumbo tried explaining this to Bhajji, but he and Yuvi got on to this ‘Rai Bahadur’ trip. I just opened my book and blanked them out. Then they made fun of my book, so I played some music and shut them out.
Coming back to my Bhajji quote, I’m a little confused, according to DNA I said - “Honestly, Bhajji has been batting brilliantly this season and he seems to be developing into a very good all-rounder. Like Sir Sobers,”
While according to TOI I said - "He's batting beautifully, he is the new Gary Sobers.
Visibly Ishant was quite upset. He strongly feels the lower order revival has been all thanks to him. I patted him, telling him if Bhajji is like Sobers, you are like Dravid. For some reason, Ishant was quite inconsolable.
by RDX
This is the sixth in a series of posts by RDX, exclusively for Bored Cricket Crazy Indians.
Bhajji inspires McCullum, Gayle and other needy cricketers
At Ahemedabad, Bhajji clocked 69, time for McCullum to make a 65. Now at Hyderabad, Bhajji got himself some pearls and a 111, in return, Mc smiled at him when he mistimed a swat sweep. The cosmic connection between the two was obvious. Didn’t you see Bhaj pat Mc when he made that hundred? Clearly Mc was indebted to Bhaj for showing him the way - how to bat when your primary skill has been nothing but a secondary skill all along.
While Bhajji still bowls, but not really, McCullum has given up the gloves. One day, Bhajji will play as a middle order batsman and a change bowler. While McCullum looks forward to the day when he can bat sans gloves – they remind him too much of that keeping business. “Can’t I just bat in tattoos??”
Gayle too followed suit, dropping some skill they call captaincy. “If bhaji man can gt a hundred, I gt me a double hundred lol” he tweeted between 6s. And later added, "some wicb dude fave song iz god iz a DJ so v gt dj sammy as god of the team lol”
Sehwag's dismissal
Even though Sehwag was clean bowled, and apparently not of a no-ball, he still missed out on a hundred. That the controversial umpire that supposedly denied Sehwag of a hundred (in cahoots with Dilshan, Randiv and the laws of the game) was standing in, even though at square-leg, is being looked into by the BCCI. Sehwag made no mention of Kumar Dharamsena’s umpiring or for that matter, Suraj Randiv, but it is expected that he will bring it up at a later date.
Test cricket in reverse
Going by the epic finishes recent tests played in India have had, the BCCI is in all earnest looking at playing the fifth day first, followed by the fourth, third and so on. The argument is clear – "anyway, it is only the die-hard test cricket fans that turn their TVs on the first few days…if we give the masses a result on the first day itself (the 5th) then we will introduce more people to the joys of tests. As for the toss, that will take place on the fifth day (the 1st)." Cynics pointed out that such a format is undoable, to which a BCCI office bearer called for restraint, “bear with us please sir”. Still early days, but interesting times ahead. Btw the headline for this post should read as Reverse in Cricket Test.
On Kamran Akmal’s birthday, we predicted Adnan Akmal’s birth. (and other stories with Mick Jagger)
Way back on January 13 this year, our forecast called for a new reign – that of Adnan Akmal. You can read about it here.
But did you know –
As kids the Brothers Akmal were inseparable. More so when they were part of the Cricket Training Camp in POK. They were the best, and fondly called The Three Akmals (an obvious reference to the Three Amigos by Senor Sajith, the only Pakistani bullfighter)
To enlist in the school, parents used to often fudge their kids names as Akmal - Azhar Akmal, Imran Akmal and Wasim Akmal were favoured names for boys, while Anjum Akmal was a favourite for girls. But that was not enough. The lips were a clear giveaway, and only the fullest of lips, with the deranged delinquent look could make it through.
Desperate parents tried everything – even bee stings on their kids’ lips. But they could never quite recreate the Jaggeresque fullness of the Akmals’ lips.
Which brings us to the chance encounter of the Brothers’ Akmal with Mick Jagger – Mick looked at them, and snapped, “Who’s your Daddy?” Confused, Kamran Akmal took Mick to be the eldest of their brothers - and ran behind him, through vast areas of the Hindu Kush, yelping, “Mick Bhai, Mick Bhai…” To which Mick snapped again, “Get off of my cloud”.
Oh no, it’s Yusuf Pathan again
First the selectors refused to drop him. He refused to score runs. Didn’t matter. He refused to take wickets. Didn’t matter. Then they stopped playing the IPL highlights package, and everyone realized, Yusuf doesn’t score run in real-time anymore. He was dropped.
But today’s Ranji game could prove devastating. He scalped No.10 Hooda. Figures of 1 for 12. And then, take that you *#$% 65 of 47, 6 4s, and 4 6s (how lyrical). Tomorrow if he scores a hundred, it could even undermine Bhajji’s – is that a bad thing? Which begs the question, who of the two is a better batsman? And of course, an even more relevant question, who of the two is a better bowler?
While Bhajji fires with the bat when you least expect him too in tests, Yusuf’s test career hasn't fired off so far. A thought just came to me, why not undermine the Kiwis some more, play Yusuf against them.
Ridiculous? Hardly, he’s played 37 ODIs, and threatens to, with each domestic whirlwind, play a 38th. That I cannot take. With each Ranji knock, he demeans our Gross Domestic Product. I say, recreate an international environment each time Yusuf chews his way to the centre. Bouncier pitches, bouncier deliveries, 6 bouncier(s) per over. Why the hell doesn’t he go South Africa and play there? England? Australia, c’mon Shane, work something out for your favourite sunny boy.
The day Yusuf learns to counter the short ball, he will chew less, and blow more bubbles.
The Laxman Effect
"I refuse to clean your shit for you this time...
who do you think I am, VVS Laxman???"
who do you think I am, VVS Laxman???"
Learn to bat, bowl, sing n talk like Chris Martin.
Clearly, this is a video whose time has come again. As too, all things Chris Martin. What's on your play list - Cold Play's Chris Martin, who btw will be interviewed by Shane in his chat show, Warne's World.
New Zealand Cricket to investigate Vettori, Martin
India reeling at 82/6, what more could a Kiwi want? If you’re one of the suits at New Zealand Cricket (NZC) this was obviously not enough. Far from it, appears NZC will investigate why Chris Martin was underbowled – bowling 13 of the 40 overs sent down in India's 2nd innings on the fourth day. A fitness test was carried out on both Vettori and Martin soon after stumps, gauging the sanity of their bowling options. While tests were carried out on Martin’s bowling arm, Vettori’s brain was put under the scanner. Martin bowled 13 overs, taking 5 for 25. When questioned, Martin snapped, “Do what you will, I'm not gonna lose hair thinking about this”. Vettori’s specs fogged up, seen by many as a show of guilt. On further questioning, Vettori shrugged, and hung his tongue out. There was something amiss.
Makhaya and moi
By Rajneesh Rallan
PS: Who are the other South Africans with Ntini
The Pak-SAF Freak Show.
On the surface, Pakistan are playing South Africa. Hang in till the last ten overs, Pakistan start to play themselves. Then around the last 7-8 overs, South Africa start playing themselves. The series is Pak vs SAF vs SAF vs PAK vs PAK. Who needs a triangular, these teams are two faced.
1. The Run-out: Haider plays back to Parnell. Runs a few paces down, and as it should be Haider’s call (but isn’t), Wahab runs more than a few paces down. There is time for a mid pitch conference, instead Parnell runs Wahab out. Wahab looks so sad, if only he could see the run out, he’d laugh too. (And so we tweeted: Next, they should try and run before the ball has been delivered. Even better when the bowler is gng back to his mark.
2. The Run-out that wasn’t: The tailenders go for a second which wasn’t. Ball thrown at bowler’s end, Steyn collects, with his back to the runner, responds to AB’s call, and instead of knocking the bails at his end, about turns and throws to keeper. If only he could see the replay, appears he does. He resembles an annoyed Wahab.
3. Brain fade that wasn’t: It was just Afridi. Just over a 100 to get, 18+ overs to get them in. Boom Boom down the wicket to hit Botha outta the ground. Yes, he’s the captain.
4. Return of the other Y: So the other, other Y has gone away. The world is not big enough for both Ys. Today, Younis hung in long enough to face more balls than Afridi has faced in his entire ODI career. He even made it to the Man of the match. He didn’t smile much, spoke in Urdu. Refreshing.
5. Return of the other captain: Smith was setting the field. Appears he was captain. The other day he wasn’t, Botha was. It is obvious now, both teams complement each other – but not themselves.
6. Gibbs takes his lance out – he sticks it into Smith and his gang. As a result, Smith, Kallis, AB, continue to think about weird excerpts from Gibbs’ book (most expensive shag) when they really should keep their eyes on the ball. Catch dropped. Demands for a new tech called Speech Blurb Cloud find voice.
7. Steyn takes his place – goes for 79 of 10. And that run out.
8. Shoiab Akhtar takes his place – scores 0 runs again to see Pak through. In the 2nd ODI he faced 1 ball, in the 4th, no ball. He did not however receive a free hit.
And so we tweeted: Gng by the freak cricket they produce, SAF and Pak should be part of each others' domestic tournaments.
Thank You Sachin!
Sachin, oh Sachin,
You always think of us, whether we’re having a good time watching the cricket, or an even better time, not watching the cricket. Today, you did something very special – you made sure we don’t watch the cricket.
This would not have been possible if you were playing for that 50th test hundred. Instead, you played for a forty. What does this say about you – You let us get back to our Diwali lives. How could I have hugged my folks if I was still watching you play? How could I have replied to Happy Diwali SMSes if I was hanging on to your every run? How could I have eaten that barfi? How could I have? How could I have answered that phone call, call of nature doorbell? How? How could I have taken my eyes of you, your fiftieth, no, not even a 39th Diwali could come in my way.
I speak for all Bored Cricket Crazy Indians. Thank You Sachin! Thanks for putting Diwali before your fiftieth test hundred. Tussi great ho!
In the scorecard it should read Sachin caught Happy bowled Diwali. Sounds crazy, hey, it’s Diwali, yaar! Happy to you, you Bored Cricket Crazy Indians, Happy to you Sachin. Happy!
Jatman the great born in 1978
With so much cricket being played, I really can't get myself to watch too much of it nowadays. There is no recall value. You can't tell one match from another. I think the only cricket I can follow these days includes the T20 world cup, IPL, India playing Tests overseas or the final 2 days of a Test in India.
However, I find cricket entertaining in all its forms when our very own Jatman (Sehwag) is at the crease. After his dismissal it goes back to being a regular (yawn), boring day of cricket.
JATMAN KI JAI HO
Bored Cricket Crazy Indians and Sachin Fans are Invading the World
Not like I had to point it out to you guys. They're bloody everywhere and they show their craziness in the craziest of ways. I thought I saw some really BCC!s at the Motera today. There were the usual suspects - Dharamvir who travels to all of India's home matches and helps the players in their fielding and batting drills, that crazy dude who paints himself in Indian colours at every game. There were even a few Kiwis going "Ganpati Bappa Moriya", another sign of the conversion programme we have secretly launched.
But I met the craziest Bored Cricket Crazy Indian after the day's play. Seeing I look like a hobo I decided to get myself a haircut. So I went straight to the "hajaam ki dukaan". The barber there was especially chatty and suggested I even get a facial (Yeah! Like that's gonna happen. While you're at it, why don't you suggest I get a mani-pedi too?). I told him I had come straight from the stadium and we got talking about the day's play. I filled him in on the exploits of Jatman and RDX. While he was disappointed about Jatman getting out, he was also looking forward to Sachin getting a hundred tomorrow. To my surprise, he went on to say that if he got his hundred it would be his fiftieth and that he can cut out the number 50 on my head for tomorrow!
You have to be really nuts to know stats like these, but you have to be crazier to make the kind of suggestion he made. Do you think I should take him up on his offer if indeed Sachin gets his hundred tomorrow? All those in favour of it gimme a HELL YEAH/Thank You Sachin!!!!
Angelo's Alright
How could you take Angelo Mathews seriously?The scorecard says he took three wickets in an over in the semifinal of the T20 World Cup. But you and I know it was the inside edges and thigh pads that did the job then. I thought he'd get a few more games here and there before finding himself on his way out.
Sri Lanka thought they'd struck gold though and stuck with him. He turned up on Sri Lanka's tour of India. I snickered. When the commentator on AIR repeatedly called him Angela. When he ran himself out on 99 at Brabourne, as if he were Sri Lanka's answer to Shane Watson, all-rounder and nervous nineties nincompoop. I snickered when he had to return home midway through the following ODI series with an injury.
But then I went to see an IPL match this year. One SL player, Vaas, looked like he would finish the match early, lowering the vasool on my paisa. When another SL player, Mathews, however, stepped in and fought back. From guessing what over KKR would be all out by, we were now thinking KKR had it in them to go all the way this year. Mathews played and he flayed increasing my RoI and SRK's, even hitting a six in the row right in front of me.
Cold logic had me make him the trump player in my fantasy team that day but he became a favorite from then onwards.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm an Bored Cricket Crazy Indian and I approve of Angelo Mathews.
Want to see Deepak Chahar's 8 wickets?
An interview with top scorer, PA Reddy, who battled to 6, will soon follow. For now, suck on the scoreboard.
Thanks to Sujan, www.cricindian.com for the video and Deepak Chahar, Rajasthan for the wickets.
An interview with Deepak Chahar (and his high standards)
Deepak Chahar: To be honest, I’m quite depressed.
KB: Depressed, but why?
DC: Er…if you look at Hyderabad’s score, and my analysis, I conceded nearly half their runs
KB: Isn’t that being a little tough on yourself
DC: No, not really. I feel worse for Pankaj Singh, he not only conceded more than half the teams’ runs, he hardly took any wickets…
KB: Please…what did you expect..
DC: 10 Wickets and much fewer runs… Anil Kumble is my idol
KB: But 8 for 10 on debut is…
DC(interrupting): I would have preferred 10 for 8
KB: What else can we look forward to from Deepak Chahar…
DC: I’d like to score a century on debut, take a one handed somersault catch on the boundary and yeah, a direct throw run-out from the boundary would be nice too
KB: Are you missing something
DC: Yes, I would also like to be the umpire…so in the second innings I record a perfect ten
Deepak Chahar on debut, for Rajasthan vs. Hyderabad: 7.3 overs - 2 maidens - 10 runs - 8 wickets. Nobody's perfect.
Abdul Razzaq - The unemotional Boom Boom
What does Razzaq do when he’s happy? He possibly says, I’m happy, and that’s that. He doesn’t do the Boom Boom manoeuvre, at best, he shows that little gap in the teeth, as his face sloppily breaks into a smile. I like players like Razzaq and Klusener. But they tend to go away, and when they’re away, most of us won’t notice they’ve gone away.
Then they come back, and do what they will, and everyone loves them for a day. But I’m not sure that they like them. They love them, and that’s fleeting, like the headlines. Today Razzaq is the headline, that will make him flinch. He’s a player, far comfier being the subtext.
And that in itself is the undoing of Razzaq. He will bat and bowl, where the team wants him. So he opens the bowling, tomorrow, they could make him open the batting. It’ll be a wonder if they can make him open his mouth.
And when he does, it’s in Urdu, not in English. So, no, Razzaq will not be captain. If they run out of captains, they will make a dodo debut, and cap him as captain. But not Razzaq.
This is surprising to me: Going by some of Razzaq’s innings, there’s some solid equilibrium to his mental. He can stay, stay, stay and then go nuts, nuts, nuts. In the blink of an eye, he can shift from clenched fists to an assault riffle taking aim. And that when the man isn’t even empowered, when he’s on his own little island. Or is that Razzaq, aloof, by himself, the man who stands outside the huddle.
Today Razzaq came off. His timing was Swiss made, and his leaves, they were springlike. They were funny too, and that’s what is so damn endearing about Razzaq, he can be funny, unintentionally so – an innings of his, when it goes the distance, will be flawed, and in those flaws will be moments of demented cricketing beauty. My pick, when he got all awkward, opening his legs, and letting the ball through. It appeared he even farted.
And then he went nuts. With 9 down, and only Shoaib Akhtar to be run out (after Haider, Riaz, Ajmal ), Razzaq was Lake Placid. Come to think of it, if they were bowled out, Razzaq would have still found a way to win the match.
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